-Lt. Commander Data
I am fascinated by my human ship mates, especially in their physical attraction for one another. As I am an android, and the only artificial life form on this vessel, I have observed this behavior for some time. I have viewed the historical files on human interaction and procreation and thus consider myself an authority on the subject. Noteworthy of these files are "Deep Throat," "The Devil In Miss Jones," and what I consider the most important of these, "Debbie Does Dallas." I found the moral messages in those passages far more profound than that of the works of Æsop.
I have made a note to myself that in the event the Enterprise once again travels back in time, I will pay a visit to Bambi. Her brilliant work as Debbie should be required viewing for all Star Fleet candidates. After I had viewed those historical files, I wrote an extensive set of codes and reprogrammed myself to more than adequately duplicate the male's function in coitus. I pride myself in being able to perform 481 different positions. Correction: 482, I nearly omitted that time with Tasha Yar.
The Enterprise is currently stranded in the Sargasso Nebula, a strange cloud of interstellar dust that goes through cycles where all energy is negated. We are currently drifting on the inertia our ship had when we entered the nebula. Geordi LaForge has set the engines on automatic power-up for the moment we hit an area of the cloud free of the effect.
Previously undetected, I have discovered that the nebula has had another effect on the Enterprise. More precisely, the effect has been limited to the human members of the crew. Apparently a non-lethal radiation with aphrodisiac-like qualities was not blocked by our shields. The effect was almost immediate.
My first encounter with the phenomena was when I reported to Captain Picard's quarters with a report on the particle accelerators. When I heard the Captain's usual permission, "Come" to enter, I walked right in. I thought it curious to find him naked in his chair and an equally naked Dr. Crusher straddling his lap. I was more perplexed when she confirmed that I enter, "Yes. Yes. Come!"
Back on the bridge, I noticed Commander Riker and Counselor Troi making curious glances at each other. I conjectured correctly that she was using her ability to detect his emotions. I didn't need her ability to know what he was thinking. As we were not in Alert Status, that bulge in his pants was not a phaser. When they left the bridge together, I'm sure she had some serious counseling in store for our First Officer.
Walking through the ship's corridors I observed several acts of open sex. I saw one couple locked in a position, I would have thought exceeded the limitations of the human body. I stopped and asked the couple, "Ensigns, does that not exceed the limitations of your bodies?" Their only reply was a series of moans, and since they did not appear to require assistance, I left them where they lay.
Even Guinan and Geordi were caught up in the effects of the nebula's sexual radiation. I have made a note to myself to ask her later just what enjoyment she was getting from Geordi licking Jell-o from her rear end. Seeing that Guinan was preoccupied, I wondered who was in charge of the forward crew's lounge and our noted guests.
Our current assignment had us charged with transporting a number of robots and androids to a convention on the subject of Artificial Intelligence. Our contingent consisted of Robby the Robot, Johnny Five, Robot Man, Gorp, C3P0, R2D2, Rosie the Robot Maid, and of course myself. The purpose of the convention was to discuss the interaction of AI beings and humans.
Robots and androids possess the ability to interact without bias or forethought. They were all gathered at the bar and one of them seemed to be the center of attention. Curious, I thought, all the males were gathered around Rosie, the only female of the group. C3P0 was animated as he was quoting Centaurian poetry. Robot was saying to Rosie, "Warning, Rosie! Danger if you go with C3P0. Warning!" Johnny Five was impersonating the voice of Jimmy Stewart and singing "Stairway To Heaven" to her.
I realized they were trying to pick her up! It dawned on me that the nebular radiation was in fact affecting the artificial beings also. I, however, had not reacted to the exposure. It was then that I remembered my emotion chip which was deactivated. I was able to correct that mere formality by simply twisting my middle finger. There was a sudden rush of emotions washing over me. Once the emotion program was fully down-loaded into my system, my eyes met those of Rosie.
Sizing up my competition, I determined that C3P0 was my most formidible competitor for Rosie's affections. R2D2 was whistling and beeping trying to get Rosie's attention by flashing his rather large probe. I chuckled when C3P0 admonished him by saying, "Artoo, it isn't the size of the probe, but how you use it!" While the two long-time companions argued I made my move.
I will spare you the sordid details. Even though this entry will be made to the Captain's Log of the Enterprise, I will treat my entry as if it might someday appear on the Internet. Having a logical brain like that of Vulcans, I do not wish to offend anyone who might chance upon this log entry.
Blog entry: Stardate 1357.8¾ ; Brig
After the Enterprise escaped the dampening field of the Sargasso Nebula, the effects of the sex radiation wore off immediately. Needless to say, nearly all of the crew found themselves in some compromising situations. Because I was in charge of the bridge, I was tried for dereliction of duty for leaving the bridge during a crisis situation. I was busted all the way down to Ensign and am currently serving time in the brig.
I have a cell mate, one Ensign Worf. It seems our Klingon crew mate was the only male in a ballet class on the Holodeck when the sex radiation was permeating the ship. They say Klingons are like wild animals when they engage in the sex act. Judging from the shredded tutus and broken limbs of the twenty women who were present, I surmise it is true.
Blog entry: Stardate 1357.9¼ ; Bridge Starship Enterprise
-Lt. Commander Data
There is a crisis situation on board the Enterprise. I have been re-instated to my former rank, but my emotion chip has been removed until a later date. Geordi LaForge has taken over control of the ship from Engineering. He has set our course for the coordinates of the Sargasso Nebula. Geordi had never had much luck with women. Not only had he lost his virginity when we were trapped in the nebula, but he discovered he liked it - he liked it a lot! Meanwhile, word from the forward crew's lounge is that Guinan is making up the largest batch of Jell-o ever seen.
He is boldly going where no one wants to go!