Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Isto Pensitaris, Martha?

~ Her first day out of the slammer attracted the media like flies to a cowpile. Videos of her walking her dog and patting her horses dominated the news while capturing the lead-in spot over the war in Iraq. The attention she garnered even superseded the Jacko hearings. For no good reason, Martha Stewart was the star of the headlines.
~ Today Martha attended her first board meeting of her company since before her lockup. Like any corporation in America she allowed the cameras inside. (Actually only corporations in trouble practice this policy.) In fact, the media, lemmings the lot, were there at her request. She is aching to be the center of attention whether we want it or not. A victim, she feels she needs the pity, the admiration, anything that will plaster her face into mainstream America. (To her chagrin, there was no ticker tape parade and no keys to the city, hailing the conquering Queen back from her crusade.)
~ She addressed the board saying that what she learned while in prison will be applied to her company. Her experience behind bars was a life changing chapter in her life. She learned a great deal about our country by meeting a cross section of Americans in the prison community. (Sadly humility wasn't taught there.)
~ She said that her company might have been out of touch with ordinary Americans. (There you go. Us ordinary Americans are like the flies on the cowpile.) She said that starting that day, the company must communicate not only the how-to, but also the why. (Hmm, It's one thing to teach us how to make quiche. She can actually convince us why we should make it?)
~ She then told the board members just what exactly those things she learned in prison were. She outlined them the things she brought back that will be implemented into company policy effective immediately. She referred to them as "The Ten Points To A Better Corporation."
  1. all employees forthwith will refer to her as Madam Warden
  2. all employees will wear electronic monitoring devices on their ankles
  3. all men will wear new corporate uniforms with lateral stripes
  4. all women will wear new corporate uniforms with vertical stripes (as these will make them look taller and thinner)
  5. there will be automatic opening and closing cages around each cubicle and work station
  6. she will by the power vested her as CEO take credit for favorable work accomplishments
  7. she will by power vested her as CEO distribute credit for negative work accomplishments on a random basis
  8. all pens, pencils, and sharp objects will be issued at start of day and must be turned in at the end of the day (this includes dining utensils)
  9. Kissing her feet/ass will not necessarily gain favor, it will be recognized as a sign of respect
  10. she, vested by her power as CEO, will not nor be expected to comply with points 1 through 9

~ I ask again, Isto Pensitaris? (You get paid for this crap?)

No. 70

No comments: