Thursday, October 19, 2006

Animal Husbandry: Redneck Marriage

Howdy folks. This here is Barney Snodgrass comin' to you live on WYUK, 600 on your AM dial with 700 watts of power blastin' atcha! As y'all know, we usually talk about matin' ol' Bessie with a stud bull, or gettin' the most use outa cow manure, and such stuff that matters to y'all thats a-raisin' critters out there.
....Well, our sponsors done decided that we's been a-spreadin' too much manure lately. Harley's Seed Company would like us to talk 'bout people for a change. I don't rightly know if we can change any of you people out there what's a-listenin' to my show, but since Harley's is a-paying to bring you this broadcast, I reckon we should do 'er.
....So today, I up and gave an invite to my cousin Cletis to come on the show and sit with us for a spell.

Barney: Howdy, cousin Cletis. Welcome to the show.
Cletis: A howdy-do to you too, cousin Barney.
Barney: How's your lovely missus, Cletis?
Cletis: I see you still never went to that eye doc to get your eyes checked.
Barney: Aw Cletis, I happens to know that woman of yours is one of the purtiest girls in all of Appalachia.
Cletis: When's the last time you ever took a gander at the women folk around these parts? Ain't none of them so purty.
Barney: Well, they sure do purty themselves up for Sadie Hawkins Day, don't they?
Cletis: Ain't that the truth, cuz. That's how I come be married to my wife.
Barney: You mean to tell me she caught you? How did that happen, Clete? I been a-knowing you since we was knee-high to a hooch jug, and they wasn't nary a sole who could run faster than you, much less a girl.
Cletis: Well that depends on whether a body wants to get caught or not caught.
Barney: You means to tell us that you wanted to get caught?
Cletis: Well, it's like this you see, I had me a good plan. I done let her catch me, but I picked a real good place to get caught so's nobody would see what I was a-plannin' to do.
Barney: I'm sure the audience is a-holdin' their collective breathin' just to hear 'bout this plan of yours.
Cletis: Well I made a deal with her as she was a huffin' and puffin' tryin' to catch up to me. I made durn sure that she was real tarred before I slowed down 'nough for her to get her paws on me. I said to her, I said, "I'll slow down some more so's you can catch up."
Barney: It looks like that plan of yours done worked, coz you two done got hitched.
Cletis: Now, I wouldn't say that. Things didn't go quite as I planned it. You see, I told her that I would let her catch me on one condition. On account she was a-gettin' tarred, she figured she would hear what it was I a-schemin'.
Barney: I hope you menfolk out there are a-takin' notes on this.
Cletis: Well suh, I said to her, I said, " If I let you catch me, I'll marry you tomorrow, but only on the condition we have our honeymoon right then and there in the woods where nobody was around to watch when she done caught me.
Barney: Darned if that ain't a brilliant plan there, Cletis!
Cletis: I sure thought so at the time. Anyways, she agrees to do it. and you know what?
Barney: Uh ... you did it.?
Cletis: Yup. Say, how'd you know? Was you there a-watchin'? Aw, don't matter nohow anyway. Well, when we was finished a-rollin' in the hay for a spell, I was a-schemin' the rest of my plan that I done planned to do before I let her catch me. 'Cept she didn't know 'bout the other part.
Barney: Sounds like you had the situation well in hand.
Cletis: Whoa, cuz. Wasn't you a-listenin' to anything I been sayin'? We just finished doin' what you supposed to do when you gets nekkid, 'cept maybe when it's time for your monthly bath. Now I was just with a woman, why in tarnation would I need to be holdin' it in my hand?
Barney: Sorry, Cletis. I didn't mean to speak out of turn.
Cletis: S'ok. I knows you was just joshin' while trying to entertain those folks what's out there a listenin' on the radio. Anyways, I was a gettin' dressed in my bib overalls and all the while I was a-plannin' to take off runnin' again. And I wasn't gonna stop until I got to the next county.
Barney: Aha! So your plan was to get what you wanted and run like hell!
Cletis: Damned if you don't think like me, Barney! Yup, that was my master plan for sure. I reckoned she was both too tarred and too nekkid to chase me anymore that day. By the time the sun done set, Sadie Hawkins Day would be done past and all bets would be off!
Barney: That sure was one clever plan there, Cletis. But hold on a minute there, son. You both done got hitched anyway. So what went wrong?
Cletis:Well, the next day her Paw showed up at my door a-totin' that double-barrel 16 guage of his. I'll be damned if she didn't go and get pregnant!
Barney: Uh-oh! Bad luck there, son. So's you two done got hitched under one of those shotgun wedding situations.
Cletis: Sure 'nough that's the way it happened. It wasn't until nine months later when she didn't have a baby that I wised up to the fact that she went and tricked me as payback. You have to get up awful early in the mornin' to pull the wool over ol' Cletis' eyes, let me tell you.
Barney: So she never was pregnant?
Cletis: No sir. She done went and faked being pregnant. I always wondered though who the real father was that she didn't fake with.
Barney: Huh? But, Cletis ... uh, never mind.
Cletis: So there you knows it all. We's been living a fake marriage as I sees it. That reminds me ... just wait til you hear this. I just found out that all along she's been a-faking her orgasms too.
Barney: Wow! That's one ruthless woman you got there, Cletis!
Cletis: Ain't no never mind, Barney. I've been a-fixin' her wagon. I done took up to fakin' them too.
Barney: Tell me, why do women fake orgasms anyhow?
Cletis: Hell, all women do that, don't they? Look at this way, if she goes and makes a fella thinks she's satisfied, then he won't be tryin' to do it again. And my wife, she ain't a-goin be doin' it twice in the same month.
Barney: Maybe you should try foreplay. You ever try that?
Cletis: Tarnation, cuz! "Course I play with it - before we start.
Barney: I meant, does she ever play with your .. ah, organ?
Cletis: We ain't got no organ. Ain't got no room for one. But I did catch sight of her trying to play with my banjo the other day.
Barney: Cletis, you ain't got the sense God give a billy goat! I was talkin' about your pecker. Don't your wife ever reach down there and grab a hold of it when you're a fixin' to make love?
Cletis: Now that you mention it, damned if she didn't one time.
Barney: Jest one time?
Cletis: Yep. And once was enough for this ol' boy. She damned near yanked it clean off!
Barney: Now why would she go and be so rough? Don't she know that that's a delicate 'pendage what's a hanging down there?
Cletis: Well sir, she done caught me in the barn over yonder with cousin Barbara Jean.
Barney: Aha! She done caught you a-cheatin'!
Cletis: Cheatin'? 'Tweren't no cheatin'. I was a-doin' it the right way. And if you don't believe me, then you can go ask cousin Barbara Jean whether I was a-doin' it right or not.
Barney: So your wife up and grabbed your pecker whilst you was a-doin' it with Barbara Jean?
Cletis: Damn tootin'! She grabbed a hold of it and then took to draggin' me a-kickin' and a-hollerin' all the way back to the house. I mean it was so sore and raw after that, that I had to resort to lettin' my ol' houndog lick me for a spell so's it would stop a-throbbin'. I tell you, I sure learned a real good lesson that night.
Barney: So you stopped a-messin' 'round with Barbara Jean?
Cletis: Barney, you ain't been a-payin' 'tention to what I been trying to tell you. A good piece of tail like cousin Barbara Jean don't go a-growin' on trees, you know.
Barney: Aren't you afraid of gettin' caught again?
Cletis: I can see that you are no conniesewer of love like ol' Cletis. I said I learned my lesson. I learned it so good, that me and Barbara Jean took to rollin' in the hay in her Daddy's barn.

Barney: Well folks, that's about all the time that Harley's Seed Company is a-goin' to be payin' for. I guess we didn't wander too far our usual programmin' after all, did we? Whilst a-talkin' with Cousin Cletis we done ended up a-talkin' 'bout animal husbandry after all.
Cletis: That's right, cuz. Now all your listeners knows jest what an animal this husband is like.



Jack K. said...

Well, I'll be.

Don't that beat all?

Later, cuz


Peter said...

That hillbilly transplant may not have taken Mike... I'm just sayin'

Miss Cellania said...

How did you know I'm preparing a Sadie Hawkins Day post? You're in it now!

Hale McKay said...

MIss C. - Cletis done told me.