Saturday, September 22, 2007

Rednecks in Space

Your Captain might be a Redneck if...

Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.

He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.

You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob."

He refers to any intelligent alien race as "critters."

He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns."

He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil.

He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.

He says "Get your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies."

He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.

He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.

He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.

He says "Yea Haw! Let's get this puppy movin!!!" instead of "Engage."

He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.

He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba."

He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster."

He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.

He paints the starship John Deere green with racing stripes.

He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special."

He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp."

His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.

He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen".

His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.

He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.

His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO, Bubba, after a meal of beans and weenies.

He sets phaser to "Cajun."

He has ordered the Chief Engineer to dig out the jumper cables.

The warp reactor is coated in duct tape, Bondo, and Super-Glu.

He orders the Sickbay to carry castor oil and turpentine.

He lights his cigarettes with his phaser.

He keeps livestock in the cargo bay.

He refers to the Kobiyashi Maru test as "the best target practice I ever had."

He orders the ship into time warp so he can have another go at the "Tuesday Night All-You-Can-Eat Ribs" buffet.

The ship, all the shuttlecraft, and the ship's mascot are all named after his favorite movie actresses.



Christina said...

You got "redneck" down pat!

Ed said...

Excellent, but I'm concerned about the whole redneck and vulcan thing though. Can vulcans actually be rednecks? That's illogical!

Liquid said...

Really good one! Lovin' this blog of yours too! :)