Friday, November 21, 2008

I'll Be Me Damned!

Thinking they were the chosen ones destined to fulfill an old prophesy, Marty and Josephine ran away together to prepare for the fate that awaits them. The day will come that they must prepare for a long and arduous journey. How they arrived at this point in their lives is chronicled in the previous installment: Angel With Good Tidings.

"Archie" stood still his head hanging down. He was getting his ass reamed out big time! As it was he only had another century left on his present period of probation.

The Old Man paced in front of his bejeweled throne which was encrusted in opulent gems. His long white hair and white beard stood out in stark contrast to the long flowing gold trimmed robe.

"I'll be Me damned!* Good help is almost impossible to find. So help Me Me, Gabriel, I should suspend you without pay for a Me damned eon! What in the name of Me were you thinking?"

He chanced to look up at his Boss, "But I was only following the instructions on the work order You issued to me. Perhaps it was a typo?"

"Me damn it! I don't make mistakes, especially one as Me damned screwed up as this. You sure made a Me damned mess of a Me damned simple assignment. How hard is it to deliver a Me damned singing telegram with a Host for accompaniment and for you to plant one Me damned Holy seed?"

Gabriel shook the wings on his back and stammered, "Maybe on that day Your orders were typed out by Your office clerk. If I remember correctly, You were off creating some You damned new universe."

The Old Man scratched his beard and said, "Moses? Was that the day I left Moses in charge? No wonder I didn't allow him to enter the Me damned Promised Land! The old coot never was any good at following a few Me damned instructions."

His thunderous voice boomed so loud that thunder was heard down on Earth. "MOSES! Get your Me damned wrinkled ass in here this Me damned moment!"

The famous man who had led the Israelites out of Egyptian bondage shuffled into the throne room. He bowed and said, "What You damned thing did I do wrong now?"

Gabriel handed the folded work order to Moses. He scanned it for a moment and said, "Yeah? What about it? I don't see a Him damned thing wrong with it!"

The Old Man pointed to the names printed upon the parchment. "These are not the names I told you to put in the blanks marked "the party of the first part" and "the party of the second part!"

Moses' countenance grew stern, "My You, You explicitly told me to write in the names of Mary and Joseph." He pointed to the names on the parchment document and said, "And it clearly says ... What the Hell? Marty and Josephine? Oh my You!" He turned to Gabriel and with an accusing finger tapping against the Angel's chest exclaimed, "You Him damned moron, why didn't you catch this?"

"Hey! I'm not a Him damned proofreader. It's not in my Him damned job description. Don't shoot the Him damned messenger, Mosey!"

"Enough of the Me damned passing the buck!" The Heavenly Honcho was pacing back and forth in front of His throne. He stopped in his tracks. "I have an idea," he said snapping his fingers. There was a sudden arc of electricity that shot forth and struck Moses where his mother never kissed him.

He was rolling and writhing on the floor curled into the fetal position clutching the smoking area. "You damn it that smarts!"

His booming voice echoed about the throne room, "Oops! My bad."

Archie, trying not to laugh said to Moses, "Why don't you turn your "staff" into a serpent like you did in front of Ramses."


A large fanged snake suddenly appeared. It coiled itself and sprang forward, its fangs latching onto Archie in the same place Moses had been electrified.

The Boss shook His head as he watched the two Him damned idiots fighting like children. "Time out!" He bellowed. Moses raised his hands and the serpent vanished. Archie stood still except for rubbing the area that had been bitten. Moses parted the water in a nearby glass, half of it he poured down the front of his pants and the other half he drank.

"Listen up," He said. "I have one Me damned great idea that will fix the Me damned mess down there. Gabriel, I'm going to give you another chance. If you screw this one up, you lose your wings!" He watched as His Chief Angel bowed his head and nodded.

The two men, one fricasseed and the other snake bitten, listened intently to His instructions. Gabriel would return to Earth to seek out a woman named Mary and a man named Joseph who together ran a donkey ride attraction in a traveling carnival show. The Angel would then approach the woman in her sleep.

The Boss noticed a grin forming on Gabriel's lips. "Gabriel, the woman must be pure. You are not to touch her. You will keep it in your My damned pants this time. You will tell her that she is blessed with child, a child who will be My Son. He will be born on the 25th of December on a midnight clear."

Gabriel (Archie) said, "But if I'm not to touch her, how will she become knocked up?"

He smiled at the winged one and answered, "It is already done. The seed has already been planted." He held up what looked like a TV remote and added, "I clicked the button labeled impregnate virgin and it was so."

Moses had been standing quiet but he had a worried look on his face. He finally spoke, "Hey, Boss. The 25th of December is only 34 days away Earth time. The human gestation period is nine months. I hate to rain on Your parade, but there just isn't enough time."

The Boss appeared peeved at the old geezer's nerve of once again questioning His judgment. "This is a Me damned Holy remote. I preset the delivery date for 34 days from this date down there. Not to worry. I have everything under control." He walked over to Gabriel and slapped him hard on the ass and said to him, "Now be off. You have a job to do ... And don't screw it up!"

As the Angel took flight Moses said to The Boss, "What is it You require of me?"

He patted the old man on the shoulder and replied, "You are in charge of the invitations."

"Invitations? How many and to whom?" Moses said quizzically.

"Don't you mean to who?" the bossed asked.

"Oh no. When used as the object of a sentence, the correct usage is whom."

"Whatever! Here's a list. And be sure not to forget those magicians from the East ... What do they call themselves ... Ah. The Magi." He looked thoughtful for a moment and started to snap his finger but stopped at the last moment, much to the relief of Moses. "A most important detail, Moses. Make sure you make reservations for a room at the inn. We wouldn't want our weary travelers sleep in a stable, now would we?"

"No, Sir! I'll get right on it." Moses started to walk away but stopped and turned to face The Boss. "Uh ... What should I use for the invitations? Blue parchment for a boy?"

"No parchment for this special announcement. I want them inscribed on miniature stone tablets," He answered. "...And Moses, don't break the Me damned things this time!"

(To be continued Monday 11/24, in part 4: "What In the Hell is Myrrh?".)

*Editors Note: To avoid being called blasphemous or being accused of using the name of the Lord in vain, a pronoun has been substituted every time the name of The Boss occurs in the above text.

№ 1532


Sandee said...

So this is how it really happened. I thought there was something fishy about the original story. Bwahahahahaha. Have a great weekend. :)

Skunkfeathers said...

Yeah, just what the heckydarnpoo IS myrrh? A cat purring with a purr impussiment?

Hale McKay said...


Yes. That's the way it really happened. It's too bad historians tend to rewrite history for their own ends.

Hale McKay said...


Then as now, its the burning question. What in the Hell is Myrrh?