Friday, June 28, 2013

Is It Coming To This?


No. 2151

Monday, June 24, 2013

Run By Idiots

A Country Founded by Geniuses but Run by Idiots


Attributed to Jeff Foxworthy:

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to provide incentives for not working, by granting 99 weeks of unemployment checks, without any requirement to prove that gainful employment was diligently sought, but couldn’t be found — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
What a country!

How about we give God a reason to continue blessing America!



No. 2150

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Cows, the Constitution and the Ten Commandments





THIS CABLE GUY HUMOR IS FUNNY... 

BUT UNFORTUNATELY IT'S TRUE!

(THE MAN'S A GENIUS!!!)

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ... Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?


Think about these:


1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS:

 
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.


THE CONSTITUTION:

 
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.


THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:

 
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.


Also, think about this..... if you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- 


YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

GET 'ER DONE!

 No. 2149

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

It's For the Birds!



 Howdy, folks!   Cletis Clyde here.  How y'all doin'?

Sure has been quite a spell since I last talked to y'all on this here blog.  I can't rightly recall when that might a been neither.  But anyhow, I thought I'd stop by and remedy that situation.

Y'all probably been a wonderin' where I been and what I been doin', right?  Well, I been purty busy a doin' what I like to do most of the time.  And jest what is that you might be askin'?  Tarnation!  Y'all should know me by now.  I reckon they's nothing that I like to do more than mostly nothing.  And I'm proud to say that I'm danged good at it too!

Well, anyways ... you might be wonderin' what's with the pitcher of the eagle up yonder next to my handsome face?  Well, they's a reason fer that and a reason fer the reference to birds up there in the title of this here posting.

It is wiffin a heavy heart that I'm a fixin' to tell y'all about the recent loss of three of my kinfolk and it has everything to do with birds.  To be fair to our national symbol, 'tain't got nothing to with eagles neither.  I was just too lazy to look fer some udder bird pitchers.

Yeah, it was a real family tragedy.  We had closed casket funerals fer my three cuzzins. Then we watched in silence as they put Elmer, Billy Jim and Abner in the ground.  We decided we wuz a gonna wait until the next day before we started fightin' over the stuff they had.

Fer The Birds

I reckon I should tell y'all what happened and why it wuz we's had to bury them good old boys.  I figger I'm the best one to tell the story anyhow.  You see, I wuz up there on Table Rock when all three of them fell off that 1000 foot cliff to the rocks way down at the bottom.

It all started in town over at Clem's pet Shop.  I was with Elmer when he asked me to go with him to buy some birds.  I didn't ask him what fer he wanted the birds, besides 'tweren't none of my bizness.

When we wuz inside, Clem came over and asked, "Howdy, fellas. How can I help y'all?" 

Elmer pointed to a cage and said, "Them's the ones.  Clem, we'll take four of them little budgies in that there cage. Two fer me and two fer cuzzin Cletis here."

Clem put four the birds into a box and said they wuz a dollar each.  When Elmer said he wuz broke until his welfare check came in, Clem said it wuz okay to cuff the sale until then. 

Well, from the pet shop we walked up the mountain until we got to Table Rock.  It wuz a poplar place to go coz it was high up and they wuz a good view of the udder hills and hollers.  They wuz also some stories of people a jumpin' off there when they's had problems they cudn't figger out.

Elmer went to the edge and looked down at the rocks way down below.  Me?  I stood back as far from the edge as I cud.  I don't never want nothin' to do with high places, iffin you knows what I mean.

Elmer called out, "This looks like a good place fer sure!"

He then took two of the four birds outa the box and puts them on his shoulders.  He winked at me and all of a sudden he up and jumps over the edge!  I crawled to the edge and saw the two birds fly away.  But ol' Elmer he kept on a fallin' until he landed on the rocks below and it surely killed him.

I wuz jest gettin' back on my feet when a nudder cuzzin showed up.  It wuz Billy Jim, Elmer's little brother. It turns out he jest came from Clem's pet shop too!  Seein' that he wuz a carryin' in one hand a cardboard box, and a shotgun in the udder hand.  I figgered he musta bot some birds of his own, but I had nary a clue what the shotgun might be fer.

"Hello, cuzzin Cletis," he said a grinnin' big-like.  "Watch this!"

Well folks, I guess it's no secret that when a hillbilly or a redneck says 'Watch this,' somethin' bad is gonna be happenin'.  Sure enuff ...!

 Without waitin' fer me to say anything, he opened up the box and pulled out a large parrot!  He then throws the parrot into the air over the edge of the cliff.  Lawd a mighty iffin he didn't jump off the edge backwards!  While he wuz a fallin' he took aim with the gun and shot the parrot in midair. I had to turn my head before he hit the rocks down there.

Bye and bye I wuz a still standin' there grievin' fer two cuzzins who jest jumped off Table Rock when their older brother Abner came walkin' up to where I wuz.

"Howdy there, Cletis," he said with his toothless grin. "You seen my two brothers?  They wuz sposed to me meet me up here."

Before I could answer he opened up a box he brung along.  It seemed that he done bot somethin' from Clem's Pet Shop like his two brothers had before.

There wuz a chicken in Abner's box.  He grabbed the chicken by its legs and said, "Too bad you ain't got no video camera, cuz.  This is gonna be a good one."

Before I could open my mouth to tell him about his brothers' fates, danged if he wuzn't airborne.  He was a plummetin' down feet first with his arms stretched over his head and his hands a holdin' onto that chicken's legs.  Don't guess I need to tell you that at least the chicken wuz spared!

Yup, I'm sure you would agree that it wuz a sad day fer me and the rest of my kin.  

I learned a valuable lesson that day.   Make that three valuable lessons.


Some sports are fer the birds!

And I will never, ever try these sports:

Budgie Jumpin'

Parrot Shooting

and

Hen Gliding


Well folks, I guess I'll close fer now.  I still got a lot of grievin' to do.

Oh, by the way,  I got three widows who might need some comfortin', iffin y'all knows what I mean.


(Thanks to a  friend, Karen Gillanders, who posted this joke on FacebookOf course I took some  liberty on this post to adapt it for Cletis.)


No.  2148

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Author-ized At Last

When I was posting on a regular basis to my blog, one of the staples offered here was original fiction.  A few of my regular readers were followers of my stories.  These stories included short stories as well as some novel-length features.

Almost all of my stories were posted on this blog in a serialized format.  Some of the tales took as many 50 or more postings before they were completed. Many of the readers' comments on those posts had the same theme:  You should publish your stories!

Well, readers, I have done just that! Unlike those who read the story in serial entries, you can now read it one complete book.

My first published novel is under the title  The Quill and the Quire.  The book is for sale for the low price of $6.00 and can be purchased from the publisher via the following link:


It is also available at Amazon.com.  Just type in the name of the title in the search box.

No. 2147

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Flower Power

Flower Power!!! 

Remember the words from the song... 

 For all of you who remember being there... 

















 "Where have all the flowers gone? ...long time passing.... " 




 


Have you ever wondered what 

happened








to all those really cute and crazy, good looking, 

barefoot, young hippie chicks



who didn't wear bras did drugs, smoked weed, 

got tattooed








and shagged every guy they met during that great Age 

of Aquarius’ back in the 60's? 












 Well, wonder no more! 












Kind’a gets you tingly all over, doesn't it?












     
No. 2146

Saturday, June 02, 2012

Keyboard Kraziness

For all of you who keep thinking

 you are computer experts... 

So, you think you're so smart?

Let's see how computer literate you are ...


*WHAT* WOULD CAUSE THIS 

TO APPEAR ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN?


 23490=\qweriop[  asdhjkl 


GIVE UP? 


 SEE THE ANSWER BELOW! 




YEP, THAT'D-DO IT!







No. 2145