Sunday, April 17, 2005

The Lavender Leopard

Pierre Clouseau had been a loser for most of his life. Everything he touched it seemed, turn to mold. It seemed that he was fated to stay in the shadow of his bumbling brother, Inspector Jacques Clouseau. His brother could step in crap and come out smelling like a rose. Pierre, on the other hand, would pick the rose that a cow had just crapped on.
~ After their schooling days, they went their separate ways. Jacques had pursued a career in law enforcement and had become quite famous. Pierre, meanwhile had drifted from one failed endeavor to another venture and another.
~ At one time he was a Pachydermologist, but that business soon folded. Apparently there were not many of the elephants looking for plastic surgery or liposuction. He bought a partnership in a camel racing track after the first debacle. He learned rather quickly that there wasn't much interest in thoroughbred camels. Few ever came out to watch the camel races.
~ He once had the idea that he would have success building docks for all those wealthy yacht owners. Pulling up stakes, he left home headed for the Boondocks. Once he had arrived there, he was dismayed to learn that there was no need for docks there. The people there didn't even own boats and therefore had no marinas where a dock could be put to use. His next venture was into the culinary field. His specialty however, was not well received. It seemed that no one wanted his piping hot vichyssoise, preferring it cold.
~ Another time he tried to garner fame by attempting to take credit for the invention of the Internet. He gave up on that idea when he learned that Al Gore had beaten him to it. His one big chance at success was at hand once, but he let it slip through his fingers. Trying to find a cure for hangnail one day in his make-shift laboratory, he found a chemical process whereby iron could be changed into gold. Assuming that if he had figured it out, someone else would have done so already, he threw away his formulae and notes. He soon completely forgot how he had done it in the first place.
~ He later realized that the ability to create gold so easily would have upset the world's economy. Even though no one knew of his discovery, he took solace in the fact that he had saved the very financial fiber of the globe.
~ It wasn't until he heard on the news of a terrorist takeover of a downtown skyscraper, that he realized his true calling. In a press release they had demanded, the leader of the Patriots Haj Of Oppressed Eastern Yahoos, also known as P.H.O.O.E.Y., announced that they had thirty hostages and would execute them one by one if their demands were not met. Their first demand was that Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Governor of California take voice lessons until he could properly pronounce the state he governed. The second demand was that President Bush's two daughters be sent over to have a few drinks and listen to CDs of 50 Cent and Lenny Kravitz. To prove their point they shoved one of the hostages in front of the camera and placed a rifle to his temple. It was his brother, Jacques, the world famous detective, Inspector Jacques Clouseau!
~ While the world watched in horror to see the great Pink Panther humbled, Pierre was en route to the scene. It was incredible, but he managed to slip by the four sentries posted to the lobby, and climbed the stairs to where the hostages were being held. Hiding behind a large gray cylinder, he surveyed the scene and was horrified to see that the sixteen terrorists were entertaining the hostages by singing Karaoke. The thirty hostages, his brother among them were actually tapping their feet as one did an admirable "Stairway To Heaven."
~ He realized that he was in over his head and would need help with the rescue. A female terrorist took over the microphone and started to sing a wonderful version of "Don't Sleep In the Subway." Trying to retreat, Pierre tripped on his own shoelace and fell against the cylinder. Crashing on the floor, the valve was snapped off releasing the gas.
Within minutes everyone in the room, the sixteen terrorists and the thirty hostages were rendered unconscious. He looked down at the lettering on the cylinder and saw that it was made in Mexico. It read: "Mucho Strong Sleeping Gas."
~ He went around the room gathering the terrorists' weapons. Certain that everything was secure, he picked up the phone and dialed the police headquarters to report that he had incapacitated the Phooeys. He couldn't resist when he looked over at the microphone on the floor. Making his selection, he went into a hearty version of Freddie Mercury and Queen's "We Are The Champions." Meanwhile, the four sentries immediately surrendered when the police SWAT team began approaching the building. Because he had a similar voice as his brother, the officer at headquarters had informed the force that Inspector Clouseau had subdued the terrorists.
~ Amid the cameras and the sea of microphones, a subdued Jacques Clouseau was rambling on about the fruitless attempts of evil terrorists to defeat the decent people of the world. Fearing that his brother once again was smelling like the proverbial rose, Pierre turned to help with the freed hostages. Then he heard his brother say, "And over there is the real hero here today. The man who saved us, the man in the purple suit, my brother Pierre Clouseau!"
~ It must have been something innate in the two of them, for as the two brothers were fending questions from the press, they suddenly launched themselves into song with a great rendition of "Love By The Dashboard Lights." Side by side, reveling in the applause, were the duo of the Pink Panther and the Lavender Leopard.
No. 111


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