Saturday, February 28, 2009

Put A Charge Into the One You Love

I received this in an e-mail and added the two cartoons. Enjoy.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun,
a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!


Friday, February 27, 2009

The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray (27)

Part 27 of an original tale that delves into the unexplored realms of the human mind. Hired by her lover to find a raven haired beauty, Benjamin Bering must avoid the local police as well as the agents of a nonexistent government agency who are after him and the woman. There are just two problems. The woman is in a coma and her body has been stolen. (Part 1 can be found HERE.)

The Scum Also Rises

I've always liked a good mystery, especially a page-turner that keeps me from putting the book down until the last chapter. For my own amusement, I've often placed myself into the shoes of the protagonist to try to solve the case.

Those mystery novels I've read however, have nothing on this strange story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray. If it didn't already have enough twists and turns, Susan was about to lay another on me.

"What do you mean she's not in Michael's body?" I asked. "Where is she then?"

"I mean ... that's not Michael's body she's in," she replied.

"What?" The look in her eyes was convincing enough. If she'd told me that it wasn't Michelle in Michael's body, then I could have dealt more easily with that development. This was another twist altogether.

"That man back there, or rather the male body we know as Michelle is not the same one who was on those discs!" She watched my face for my reaction to her words. There was anger in her voice when she next spoke, "Okay Ben, let me put it this way, our Michelle was not on that disc. That body she's in was not the one fucking me!"

I was dumbfounded, not knowing how to react or what to say. I didn't want to believe the possibility of what she was implying. She was convinced, but I had to ask that stupid question anyway. "How can you be so sure?"

To my surprise she broke into laughter before she was able to answer, "I thought investigative reporters paid attention to details." Once her laughter had subsided she smiled and said, "Then again, I suppose this was a detail you wouldn't necessarily notice."

I shrugged and asked, "What detail is that, Susan?"

She reached down and cupped my privates and espoused, "If I were asked to describe what yours looks like, do you suppose I could?"

Removing her hand I nodded in the affirmative, "Well, yes. You have seen it."

She mumbled slightly, "That's about all too, at least what I can remember." She winked and added, "But we're going to correct that discrepancy soon, aren't we?"

"When the time and place ..." I paused in mid sentence when I saw the frown forming on her facial features. "... are right for your choosing."

She gave a thumbs up gesture and then grew serious again, "Ben, the man connected to me in that lab was circumcised. Michelle is not!"

I shook my head in disgust. "I was afraid that was where you were going. It's another twist we just didn't need. Mind reading ... minds switching bodies ... and now a body that looks like the body of someone else! Where and when is all this going to end?"

We were about to round the corner to the front entrance of my apartment building when I saw a police officer standing there. I pulled Susan back and leaned against the building. I was being careless. The Feds may have been letting me roam free, but not so the Boston Police Department.

"What's wrong?" Susan pleaded.

"Remember that cop I took out with the back door the last time we were here?" I asked without looking at her. "From the bandaging on his face, I'd say I definitely broke his nose." I took her hand and dragged her toward the rear of the building and stated over my shoulder, "He's the last cop I want to be arresting us!"

We were fortunate that the rear entrance was unguarded and we were able to slip up the back stairs undetected. Without hesitation I used the keys I had taken from from Jimmy's body to gain access to his apartment.

A quick glance about the apartment assured me that we had arrived before Brock O'Day. Knowing that my former neighbor craved privacy and would have had the shades drawn, I flipped on the lights. Despite having lost both of his legs in the war, his apartment was neat and uncluttered.

I was about to sit down at the desk in front of his computer which had not been shut down since its last use, when I heard Susan call out my name. I turned to see her standing by the single bed across the room. She had unbuttoned her blouse and was patting the bedpost.

"Here? Now?" I stammered.

She let her blouse slip from her shoulders to reveal the absence of a bra. "You did say I could choose the time and place, did you not?"

"Well, yes. But O'Day ... He could walk in here any minute now. I don't think it wise ..."

Her fingers inside the waistband of her pants, she began to push them tantalizingly over her hips. I couldn't tear my eyes away from her. The inevitable stirring within my loins was sending a signal to my brain and my ability to assess our situation was becoming clouded. With a seductive wiggle of her hips the pants slid down into a heap about her ankles. Her hands slid down to her abdomen and framed the briefest pink thong.

I rose to my feet and hurried to the door. I was still staring at the alluring vision she projected before me as I fumbled with the security bolt with one hand and the buttons of my shirt with the other.

There was a sudden crash and the door burst open knocking me to the floor. Susan cried out and tried to cover herself.

I was groggy as I tried to get up from the floor. I didn't see the foot coming that slammed into the side of my head.

"What have we here?" the man's voiced boomed. "Benjamin Bering and the little bitch we've been after!" He pulled his service revolver from a holster and pointed it at Susan who was trying to get into her pants, "Drop the pants, girlie. Put your hands over your head and stay put."

I rolled over onto my back to get a look at my attacker. I groaned when the officer's face turned my way. The large bandage over the bridge of his nose confirmed my earlier fear when I had spotted him outside.

Again he lashed out with his foot and again I was struck in the side of the head. I collapsed and could sense that I was losing my grip on consciousness. I saw his feet moving in the direction where Susan stood.

"I said put your hands up," he roared at her. "I didn't give you permission to cover your boobs." He raised the pistol and ran the cold barrel across her nipples. He moved his face close to hers and sneered, "It ain't nice to hide them nice boobies from the nice policeman, don't you know."

Angry and frightened she spat into his face. He staggered back a couple of steps and glared at her. He raised his hand and slapped her across the face which sent her falling onto her back onto the bed. Susan tried to kick at her assailant but he grabbed her leg and rolled her roughly onto her stomach.

I tried to get up to help her, but I could barely crawl. I was too weak and I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. Though my head was pounding I watched him pull out his handcuffs and place them on one of her wrists. He then ran the chain through the bars of the headboard before fastening the cuff on her other wrist.

He forced her to her feet and snarled, "They're going to throw the book at you, doll! Resisting arrest ... assaulting an officer of the law!" He glanced over his shoulder at me and growled, "Mr. Bering, I've got a score to settle with you. You got no idea how much crap I took back at the precinct for this," he said pointing to his face.

Turning his attention again to Susan he grinned. He placed his hands on her breasts and squeezed hard until she cried out in pain. Backing away he looked up and down at her all but naked body. Susan squirmed and fought back the tears of shame that were forming in her eyes.

"What have we here?" he said as he knelt before her. "What good are these tiny thongs you broads are wearing nowadays anyway?" He stuck a finger behind the elastic and moved it against her skin and across the soft tuft of hair. In one abrupt jerk of his hand he ripped the thong from her body.

He stood up and held the torn thong in front of his face. He made a suggestive slurping sound as he dragged the material across his tongue. He then grabbed his crotch and made a lewd gesture and snorted, "Baby, you and me are gonna have some fun ... after I work over your boy friend some more. He broke my nose, so I'm gonna break some of his bones."

"Benjamin Bering, reporter extraordinaire! I would give you something to write about, but it's gonna be hard to write with all ten of your fingers broken." He stood over me looking down and boasted, "Why don't we make this quick and as painful as we can. Your girl friend and I have a date." He motioned his head in her direction and added, "Nice piece of ass. Thanks for bringing her."

I shouted with what little strength I could muster, "Go to hell, asshole!"

He laughed hard from deep within his throat, "Defiant to the end, eh? I love this job. Look at the perks. I get to rough up some bad guys ... and then sometimes there's a dish for dessert."

He grabbed me by the hair and pulled my face from the floor. His clenched fist was raised and its target was my face.

(To be continued in part 28 on Monday, March 2, with Just Who Is the Enemy?)


Thursday, February 26, 2009

A Royal Pain

The Royals: Alternative Fuel Summit

England's royal family poses for a photo session.

Picture 1:

What a handsome stately bunch!
Is the Queen wearing a lampshade?
Why is Phillip smirking?

Picture 2:

Did the Queen just move to her right a step?
Why has the young Prince brought his hand to his face?
Anne and Charles wonder what's up.
Why did Phillip twist his body to his left?
What's with his expression?

Picture 3:

Did the Queen just take another step to her right?
Is the young Prince having trouble breathing or is he laughing?
Is Anne trying not to laugh?
I think Charles just said, "Jolly good show, old boy."
Why is Phillip still smirking?
And why is Phillip leaning farther to his left?

Five will get you ten: Phillip forgot to take his Beano!

Charles Goes Jogging

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"

Charles & Camilla: Wedding Night


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A Hunting We Will Go

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up the gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well, sir," the doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay. There was little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well, that's not too bad," the man replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony. He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

The Great Hunter

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide.

Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood- curdling shrieks coming from the pasture.

As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. "What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"

Blonde Huntress

A Cowboy was going deer hunting. His blonde wife said she was going with him because they never did anything together.

So, they went. He put her in a stand by herself. Later in the morning he heard her shoot.

He went over to her stand and she was pointing her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on. The guy was telling her, "Ma'm, you can have the deer you shot. I just want to take my saddle off of him!"

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

The Game Warden

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

Name Your Poison

One morning a husband awoke and decided he wanted to go duck hunting. He woke his wife and told her, "You have three choices, either go duck hunting with me, let me f**k you up the ass, or give me oral sex. I have to run out get the dog, and load up the truck. You had better decide by the time I get back."

He returned after a while, and said to his wife, "Well, what have you decided to do?"

To which she replied, "Well, I sure don't want to go duck hunting, and I'm sure the hell not going to let you f**k me up the ass, so I guess I'll give you oral sex."

She begins to give him oral sex, and all the sudden stops and begins spitting and choking.

He said to her, "What's the problem?"

She replies, "SHIT! My god, your willie tastes like shit!"

He replied, "Oh yeah, the dog didn't want to go duck hunting either."

Smart Dog

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.

The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in it's mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more f**king ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Animalistic Sex

No Sex on the Ark!

When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper... "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"

The Road Runner

The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.

He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz... down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved!"

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said, "I'm a Lark and I've been sparked"

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.

The Duck is lying there really pissed off, and says "I'm a Drake and there's been a mistake!"

Rubbit the Rabbit

A guy goes down south to be a farmer because it's his life long dream. So he buys a piece of land and goes down there. Now all he needs are the animals. So he goes into a store and asks the clerk for a rooster to wake him up every morning.

The clerk says, "We don't call 'em roosters, we call 'em cocks."
"Okay" the man says. "I'll take a cock and a rabbit for the farm."

"We pronounce it rubbit says the clerk."
"Okay, I'll take those two things and a mule to carry them home."

"We don't call 'em mules, we call 'em asses and every time the ass stops walkin', just scratch behind his ear."

So the man walks out of the store with the three animals. He's walking home when all of a sudden the mule stops.

The man sees a lady passing by and asks, "Can you hold my cock and rubbit while I scratch my ass?"


Monday, February 23, 2009

The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray (26)

Part 26 of an original tale that delves into the unexplored realms of the human mind. Hired by her lover to find a raven haired beauty, Benjamin Bering must avoid the local police as well as the agents of a nonexistent government agency who are after him and the woman. There are just two problems. The woman is in a coma and her body has been stolen. (Part 1 can be found HERE.)

O'Day of Reckoning

Poor Susan, I thought, she was about to have her mettle tested. It had been unnerving enough to watch herself and me having sex while hooked up to those headpieces and not having any memory of it. I reasoned that the blow had been softened because I was her partner and not some stranger.

However, Michelle had warned her that she had been recorded on the disc twice. She was sitting on the edge of the sofa as the disc was being read by the DVD player. Her lips pursed and her mouth twisted to one side of her face, she was showing no other emotions. I sensed that she was more concerned with whom she was connected as opposed to the fact that the coupling took place without her knowledge or complicity.

Her image appeared on the left of the screen fully clothed. From the sofa Susan noted, "At least this is more up to date. My hair is light brown and of the length I now have." She turned to Michelle and asked, "When was this recorded?"

"It was this past summer, July I believe," she answered.

She watched herself begin to methodically disrobe. She spoke again to no certain ear, "You know, it's one thing to be filmed naked, but it's quite another to be filmed undressing. Maybe it's me, but I prefer to dress and undress in privacy."

"Is that so?" I jibed.

She cast a furtive glance at me and turned her attention back to the screen. On screen Susan had stepped out of her panties and was approaching the table where a man was lying already naked on his back. It was Michael Black and he was in a state of readiness.

Susan blurted out to Michelle, "You? I did it with you?"

Michelle shook her head, "No. Not me. This body, yes. It's Michael - in his own body."

Susan nodded and muttered, "Sorry. Of course. It's so damned confusing!"

"You should try it first hand," Michelle returned. "You have no idea."

I have to admit that I'd felt a twinge of jealousy as I watched Susan and Michael engaged in the act of intimate sex before my eyes. In my minds eye I tried to superimpose myself onto the screen in Michael's stead. Having failed at that, I concentrated on Susan's breasts as they bounced to the thrusts of their bodies.

Ten minutes after the television set had been shut down the three of us sat in silence. I was fighting tumultuous emotions within my head. I felt violated, not only because I'd been filmed having sex with Michelle and Susan, but that I'd been placed in that situation without my knowledge or approval. Yet, my actions on the film belied the possibility that it had occurred against my will.

Susan was leaning back in the sofa with her arms folded across her chest and her legs were crossed. It was as if she were shielding her private parts from any unwanted assault. From the position of her lower lip, I gathered that she too was dealing with a mixed bag of emotions.

Michelle I couldn't read. How could I judge her ... him ... them? It would have been easy enough to label Michelle and Michael as a couple of sex-crazed perverts, but I knew that not to be the case. Their intentions were noble enough, indeed they were on the thresh hold of a medical breakthrough.

It was evident that they had had the misfortune to have a made a discovery that had already been discovered. Of course, they couldn't have known. The original discovery and subsequent research had been in play before they were even born! I myself would have been no more than an infant.

Somewhere along the line the military and some covert government entity had gotten into bed together to refine the project to fit their needs. I shuddered to think how many clandestine operations might have been successfully carried out because of their power to read and perhaps manipulate the human mind.

I visualized the reaction within that secret agency and the red flags that must have been raised when news of Michael's and Michelle's work reached them. They must have been waiting in the shadows, watching them to see how far their research would take them. Perhaps they wanted to see if the two post grads would make any discoveries or advancements that they had not.

In any event they decided to swoop in and to take over the research, or at least end it by virtue of having it in their control. The shit must have hit the fan when they learned that Michael and Michelle decided to go public by contacting me with an exclusive story.

Were they sending a messages to us? Were they responsible when Susan's friend Billy was killed? How about Stu my editor getting beaten half to death? Then there was Jimmy's death. Was it a coincidence that two of the newspaper's board of directors died in a plane crash?

Of course, there was still the matter of Michelle's missing body in which the mind of Michael Black was trapped. If we were able to retrieve the body, and I believed that to be a long shot, would they be able to switch their minds back into their proper bodies?

I'd made up my mind what the next course of action had to be. The decision was made because I was greatly troubled by the scenes on one of those discs. What part in all of this did the general, Jimmy and Brock O'Day play? What happened to those Vietnamese women? And what in the hell was the story with those damned butterfly tattoos? It was inevitable. Brock O'Day and I were going to have a head-to-head.

While it was puzzling, I felt we might as well keep taking advantage of the fact that the feds were letting us move about. They could have captured us at any time they so chose. They could have even taken us out if they so desired. The ones at the warehouse had been armed with tranquilizer guns. I was thankful Susan had recovered, but I was certain that that dart had been intended for me. Another warning? Were we close to something in that warehouse? Maybe that attack had been for show only and those plans had been planted for us to find.

I was convinced that they wanted something else. Perhaps something was lost and they wanted us to lead them to it? Quite possibly they wanted those discs we had been viewing.

I stood up and faced Michelle and said to her, "They know about the mind reading and sending and receiving thoughts from one person to another, but I want your opinion on a thought I've been banging around in this gelatinous mass that used to be my brain."

"What's that, Ben?"

"Do you think they know that you and Michael actually switched bodies?"

A stunned look came over her countenance. "Why, I never thought about that," she replied with hesitation. Then she smiled and said, "No. I'm sure they don't know!"

I nodded in approval and said, "I was thinking the same thing. This just might give us a slight advantage when the time comes."

Susan moved next to me and declared, "It's about time we got a break."

I pulled the cell phone out my pocket and punched in Rosie's number at the diner. When she answered I spoke, "Rosie, Ben. I don't have time to talk. Contact Brock and tell him to meet me at Jimmy's apartment as soon as possible. We can talk later." I returned the phone to my pocket.

"That was short and to the point," Susan said.

I placed my arm around her shoulder and said, "After what happened at the warehouse, I'll understand if you want to stay here."

"What, and let you have all the fun? No way!" she declared.

Since Jimmy's apartment was in the same building as mine and it was within walking distance, we decided to take advantage of the fresh evening air. She took a firm grip on my hand as we strolled up the street. If Susan had been harboring any anger over the contents of the discs, especially the scenes featuring her, it was not apparent in her demeanor. After we had walked about a block and a half she stopped and pulled me back.

"Ben, there's something I have to tell you," she said in a worried manner. "It's about Michelle. There's something not right about her."

I looked at her and raised my eyebrows, "Of course there is. She's not in her own body."

"It's more than that, Ben," she said her words faltering. "She's not in Michael's body!"

(To be continued in part 27, on Friday 2/27, with The Scum Also Rises.)


Saturday, February 21, 2009

Some Sticky Stuff

What the Vermont Maple Syrup industry doesn't want us to know.

Woman Cured of Nail Biting Habit

Lee Redmond shows off her fingernails, which are about 30 inches long in Salt Lake City , Aug. 8, 2006. Redmonds fingernails were broken off in a traffic accident Tuesday, Feb. 10, 2009. Her injuries were serious but not life threatening, according to Salt Lake County Sheriff's Office. (AP Photo/The Deseret News, Tom Smart)

SALT LAKE CITY—A Utah woman listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for her long fingernails has lost them in a car crash. Lee Redmond of Salt Lake City sustained serious but non-life-threatening injuries in the accident Tuesday.

Redmond's nails, which hadn't been cut since 1979, were broken in the crash. According to the Guinness Web site, her nails measured a total of more than 28 feet long in 2008, with the longest nail on her right thumb at 2 feet, 11 inches.

Salt Lake County Sheriff's Lt. Don Hutson says Redmond was ejected from an SUV in the crash and taken to the hospital in serious condition.

Redmond has been featured on TV in episodes of "Guinness Book of World Records" and "Ripley's Believe It or Not."

And Just What Were YOU Thinking?

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it
between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It
became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and
began gushing out of the tip.

*Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.*

I knew it could be done. I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do
it. I called my friend. He said he knew how to do it and would teach me. He
put his arms around me and started. I watched nervously in the mirror. He
finally finished and pulled back slowly. I felt relieved that it was over.

*I hate neckties.*

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just what I
wanted to do with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look
into it better. I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.

*But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.*

I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled
straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased
myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up
and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it.

*Now I ride on escalators all the time.

I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and
white. I licked it once, twice... I found I couldn't stop. I licked it
faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it. There
it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done.

*And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies.

☺ ☺ ☺

On hot dates, especially during the spawning season, what do male fish use for deodorant?

Extra Virgin Olive Oyl - Proof Popeye never got lucky!

Holistic Medicine

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"


Friday, February 20, 2009

The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray (25)

Part 25 of an original tale that delves into the unexplored realms of the human mind. Hired by her lover to find a raven haired beauty, Benjamin Bering must avoid the local police as well as the agents of a nonexistent government agency who are after him and the woman. There are just two problems. The woman is in a coma and her body has been stolen. (Part 1 can be found HERE.)

I Don't Know What I Know

When neither Michelle nor I answered her, Susan must have sensed something wasn't right. A quick study of our faces confirmed it.

Michelle spoke first, "Ben, she will have to see it sooner or later. She really should know. It's only right."

I nodded in agreement to Michelle's words. Susan faced me and placed her hands on my chest and said, "Something tells me I might regret this, but I choose sooner."

I related to her what had been on the first scene of the disc, and added that Michelle and I had no recollection of it. Michelle had then chimed in hoping to soften the blow, "Susan my dear, you are going to see yourself as a test subject also. More than once, I'm afraid."

"Wait a minute!" she snapped. "I've never had one of those things on my head. I would never have consented, let alone perform one of your experiments with some man."

"Susan," Michelle said, "This disc and what's on it were not our tests! I don't know ... I have no recollection of being a part of them. I only know of the tests Michael and I conducted - and we were the only subjects."

She grew pensive as she eased herself onto the sofa. She managed a nervous smile and asked in jest, "So, where's the popcorn?"

Much to my chagrin Michelle played the disc from the beginning. I felt Susan's eyes trained on me for part of the scene but I did not return the gesture. As mine and Michelle's onscreen images reached a climax Susan shifted in her seat and whispered, "Why Ben Bering, you certainly get around, don't you?"

"Susan," I said clearing my throat, "I was not aware that this took place. I don't remember ..."

She seemed to ignore me and spoke instead to Michelle, "I must say that you have fantastic body, especially when naked."

Michelle displayed some discomfort when she replied, "Why, thank you. Let me return the compliment by saying that goes for you too." She tilted her head in the direction of the screen.

Susan gasped as her image appeared on the screen. As naked as Michelle had been in the previous scene, so too was she in that one. Although embarrassed she was quick to notice a couple of details. "My hair was colored dark ... and those earrings ... I got them for my seventeenth birthday! My God, that was eight years ago."

The young man who joined her on screen was sporting a Van Dyke beard. I groaned and lowered my head, trying to bury my face in my hands. It was my turn to show embarrassment as my younger self was already in a heightened state of arousal. In an attempt to divert attention from that part of my youthful self that was dancing with anticipation I asserted, "Seventeen? Good God! I had sex with a minor? I could've been locked up for statutory rape!"

Susan jabbed her elbow into my rib cage and teasingly berated me, "You weren't concerned about that on a certain night eight years ago." I grimaced at her cutting remark. As true as it was, it hadn't occurred to me that she might have been underage.

We remained quiet for several moments while our younger selves coupled and were soon making vigorous love in the name of science. Susan's hand came to rest on my thigh and she shifted closer to me. Once again I found myself admiring her spunk. She should have been showing anger, or in the very least have been upset at seeing herself performing the intimate act of intercourse in a less than intimate setting.

I leaned forward and tuned my ears to something faint, almost inaudible in the background of the lab. I grabbed the remote and hit the pause button. This left a frozen image of Susan and I in a most provocative and revealing position.

Susan pointed at the screen and said, "Ben, there in the middle of the screen, why don't you zoom in for a closeup?" I glared at her and shook my head. She responded to the redness on my face by starting to giggle. I could also hear Michelle giggling in spite of herself.

I tried to ignore them by drawing their attention to another part of the screen. "Susan, look to the right on the desk in the foreground. See that calendar? Look at the date."

"Sunday, July 2, 2000," she said reading the date on the calendar. "So?"

"That's two days before we met at the Check Mate Club that night. We met on Tuesday the fourth, the Fourth of July!"

She smiled, "You remember the date? Aw, that's sweet." She ran a finger across her lips and added, "The Fourth of July, huh? We sure made our own fireworks that night, didn't we?" She purred and moved her hand even higher up my thigh. She leaned back and looked up at the ceiling and mused, "Yes, our Fourth of July was certainly a memorable one. How is that we cannot remember what happened two days before?"

"That's the sixty-four thousand dollar question, isn't it?" I replied. "The calendar wasn't the reason I stopped the DVD. Bear with me while I play it backwards a few frames." At the desired moment on the disc I hit play and increased the volume. I placed a finger in front of my lips and said, "Listen. Hear the music in the background?"
He ain't heavy ... he's my brother ...
"Well, I'll be," Susan muttered. She turned to me and said, "All this time I've been associating that song with that night at the club..."

Michelle took the remote from my hand and shut off the television. "I didn't realize the two of you had met before ... I mean that you would remember ... and only two days after what took place at that lab? If I might ask, and I don't mean to pry, but exactly how did you two meet? Were you introduced?"

Susan squeezed my leg and offered, "No. I remember seeing him sitting at a table. I knew he was older than me, but I thought he was a good looking guy. I guess I kind of threw myself at him."

I glanced down at her hand on my leg as she methodically moved it closer to my lap. "I was watching her out on the dancing floor," I began. "I was struck by her seemingly boundless energy ... and I couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was."

Michelle nodded and smiled. "The two of you were attracted to each other, drawn to the other. Hmmm, perhaps there was some residual, if not subconscious recognition that triggered the attraction," she suggested. "Of course, that's not to say that you would not have been attracted to each other under normal circumstances."

I had by that time moved my own hands to the center of my lap to impede any further advance by Susan's encroaching hand. "If what you are suggesting is true, then I find it incredible that our attraction to each other would remain innate for eight years, only to be resurrected by that particular song."

"Ben, remember that dream you had down in Franklin?" Susan asked. "You even creamed yourself it was so intense."

"Susan!" I protested. "Did you have to bring that up?"

Trying to stifle a giggle Michelle said, "Ben, after all we've been seeing and hearing on those discs, shouldn't you be somewhat past being embarrassed over a natural body function?"

I nodded begrudgingly and responded, "Yeah, you're right. It just seems that privacy and dignity are at a premium as of late."

"Michelle, how is it that we have no recollection of all this? How could we not remember? You know what else is eating at me? We don't appear to be under duress or having sex against our will." She sat up and looked at both Michelle and I as if expecting a logical answer. "Before I saw that DVD, I'd have sworn it never happened. I would've said that I know it didn't happen! Now I find myself saying I don't know what I know!"

(To be continued on Monday 2/23 with part 26 in O'Day of Reckoning.)


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Cletis and His Nekkid Valentine

Howdy, y'all. Yup, it be me, Cletis Clyde. I ain't stopped by this here blog what's writ by that feller Hale McKay in a coon's age, so I thought iffin I might, I mebbe shud visit y'all fer a spell.

Say, last week was Sane Valentine Day. Did any y'all get lucky? All those guys wiff smirks on they's faces sure enuff did. I gotta scratch my head 'bout that coz I dunno why they's a-smirkin' fer.

Ain't they smart enuff to knows that's prosecution? Hell, you mighta bought that gal some candy or flowers so's she wud get all sweet on ya. But they way I sees it, you done paid fer it, the only diff'rence is you gave the money to the person what wuz a-sellin' the candy or the flowers. That wud make them yer pimps!

My kid sister done got herself arrested fer prosecution the udder day. They wuz only one problem she wuz a-tryin' to sell somethin' what nobody else wanted nuffin' to do wiff. She went an' got herself one of dem slick banisters, that's a fancy $2-word what means the same as lawyer.

Anyways, he done went and got her off in exchange fer his fee. The police locked her up anyway after they went and took her fingerprints. She kept screamin' fer them cops to give 'em back coz they belonged to her. As things turned out, the Judge let her off on account she didn't make any money coz she wuz so butt ugly no one wud pay fer it anyway.

I had a purty strange Valentine Day myself. It started out when I went downtown to one of dem lonely hearts clubs. You know, dem clubs what has signs that say things like Live Dancin' and All Nude Revue.

The girls what dance in those places are right friendly too, providin' you got a fistful of dollar bills. Lemme give y'all a piece of advice iffin you plan on goin' to a place like that. Never go in there wiff $5 dollar bills, coz them girls, they's not likely to make change fer ya.

That night they had this one dancer what wuz no stranger to a box of Twinkies. She wuz a dancin' 'round a pole what looked like them ones down at the firehouse, ceptin' they wuz no hole in the ceiling. When she put her weight on that pole it was a bendin' and Lawd A'mighty, I thought the whole roof wuz a gonna fall in. You might say she almost brought the house down.

Purty soon I noticed that all the udder fellers what wuz gathered 'round the stage wuzn't payin' no never mind to her. I reckon they wuzn't much excited when it comes to full-figgered women folk, either that or they didn't have any flour on 'em. (Iffin you don't knows, don't ask.)

Well, there I wuz wiff my elbows on the stage and a wad of dollar bills in my hand. It didn't take her none too long to see that in addition to no scruples, I had none too good of a taste either. Sure enuff, she wuz a spendin' most of her routine right in front of me. Rolls of her flesh wuz a-creepin' in and out of her skimpy costume. I looked up at her and thought, "Acres and acres of love and it's all mine."

Looking somethin' like the Michelin Tire Man in a G-string and pasties I started wond'rin' what she might look like with clothes on. I kept on a tuckin' them dollar bills in her garter belts and waistband and a few places what weren't covered fer some time. I kept at it until I done run plum out of foldin' money. I did have some quarters in my pocket, but I thought it weren't a very good idea.

Well, she wuz 'bout to walk away to drum up some other bizness, but then I remembered I had another roll of money. Only thing wuz, that money wuz money I had done tucked in my drawers. (Iffin you don't knows, don't ask.)

Coz I was still bein' so generous, I think that girl wuz a-developin' a crush on me. Next thing I knows she's a askin' me iffin I wud like a private lap dance! I took one look at the places that wud turn into a lap iffin she wuz a-sittin' and I asked her if she wanted me to do a jig or the achy-breaky.

She said no and that I didn't understand her intentions. She said she wuz gonna dance on my lap! Well, I looked at her and I looked at my lap and I looked back at her and I looked at my lap again. I pitchered her a sittin' on my lap and I got real worried like. I got to thinkin' iffin she sat on me I jest might be squished like a festered pimple.

Well, before we were able to work out some other conjungle arrangements, all of a sudden all hell broke loose! The next thing I knows, a couple of big ol' boys what was bein' paid as bouncers wuz a wrasslin' me from my seat. They wuz a cussin' and raisin' cane and tellin' me my money wuz no good.

I tried to make 'em lissen to what I wuz, that I wuz rich and that I wuz into real estate big time. I told them I owned property and some houses and that I even owned a hotel.

Well, they jest laughed and the next thing I knows they's a-carryin' me right out the front door. Then they throwed me ass over teakettle right out yonder onto the gravel in the parkin' lot. My dress-up bib britches and my Sunday go-to-church flannel shirt got all ripped.

Next thing I knows they's a throwin' all my dollar bills I'd been a-spendin' in there out on the sidewalk. Then they's commenced to cussin' and tellin' not to ever come back there again or else they would call the cops. Then anudder man what wuz the owner of the place said somethin' really stupid to me.

He said, "Son do you think we wuz gonna let you get away wiff passin' out play money in this fine establishment?" Then said somethin' else, somethin' that made me feel sad. He said, "You insulted poor Bambi. She's in there bawlin' her eyes out coz you wuz givin' her Monopoly money. She thought she made enuff money offin you to pay for a bikini waxin' tomorrow."

Well folks, I gathered up my money what I could find and told him that he'd never see my face in there again. Nope, coz next Friday is pay day and I'm gonna buy a fake beard and some hair colorin' stuff so's I'll have a different face. They's gonna have to get up awful early in the mornin' to outsmart Cletis Clyde. Yes sir.

I walked away and I was troubled by a couple of things. Bambi? Bikini waxin'?

Iffin y'all see that Hale McKay character tell him I dropped in and left a few words of wisdom 'bout women, love and sex.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Honeymoon Hijinx


Up in the sky.

Is it a bird?

Is it a plane?


And it's not
Superman either!

A National Springboard diving champion?


A recent newly wed groom showing off to his new wife on their honeymoon?

Could be.

Who is this?



The Man From Atlantis?


The diver above searching for his trunks that came off when he hit the water?

No. The trunks would come off later.

Yes. That's me in those two pictures while we were staying at The Cataways on Collins Ave. in Miami on our honeymoon in May of 1972. The second pic was shot by my wife in the underground barroom through an underwater porthole that looks out into the pool. I swam down to the porthole as if I were looking inside. I could not see inside, but I was clearly visible from within the bar.

If you haven't guessed by now, the pictures are serving as an introduction to some jokes. While on the subject, why not some Honeymoon jokes?

Olympic Honeymoon

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

Stir the Pasta

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Catholic Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was quite understandably nervous.

However, her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. I cook pasta. You go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest!"

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs in panic to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry, Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up our poor Maria went again. When she got up there, the patient (?!?) groom Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Step aside," said the mother, "YOU stay here, and stir the pasta. I'm going upstairs. This job is for Mama!"

Bird's Eye View

When Casey stated he was getting married, his pet parrot was very upset & insisted on going on the honeymoon with the couple. "Okay, okay", his owner agreed to the bird, "You can come along, but I don't want you looking. You gotta promise that you'll look the other way when we're making love...and if you break your promise, you'll get nothing to eat!"

Not wanting to be left at home, the parrot readily agreed.

Before leaving on their honeymoon, Casey & his new bride were packing their suitcases, the man, out of breath, says to his wife, "I can't get it all in honey, you'll have to sit on it."

She says, "No, that won't work, I'll get on top and press down."

"No that's not gonna work, why don't we both get on top?"

It's then that the parrot thinks to himself, "Food or no food...this I GOTTA see!"

The Kneasels

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed His socks, His new wife asked, "Ewww - what`s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off His pants, his bride once again wrinkled up Her nose. "What`s wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They`re all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, Her husband at last removed His underwear.

"Don`t tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox?"

Deaf Newlyweds

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and various misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times."


Treasures or Trash?

It is not often that I come in contact with material objects that predate my own existence. That is especially true of a comic book!

Consider the image at the left. (click the image for enlarged view) It was published by Dell Comics in August of 1947. I was born six and a half months after its publication. All arguments aside regarding whether or not I was in existence in my then embryonic state, the item does predate my departure from the womb.

I acquired this comic book while performing the simple task of carrying out trash from a woman's closet. It and the following scanned images of other comic books were in a box of what she deemed to be trash.

I googled the title and found an issue from the same year on eBay offered at $31. This one, however, is comparatively poor condition and would fetch considerably less than that figure.

Until I saved it, I never knew there ever was Raggedy Ann & Andy comics published.

Alice in Wonderland -1951. This issue had a wrap-around cover. (note: 52 pages and 10 cents) I had forgotten but it is interesting to learn that advertisements in comic books those days were found only on the inside covers and back covers. This one is stained and has a few small tears.

Charley McCarthy - 1952. I am old enough to remember Edgar Bergen and his dummies from television. Pictured on the cover of this issue is Charlie and Mortimer Snerd. Like the "Raggedys," I was unaware that this comic was ever published.

Little Lulu - 1952. I do remember her comic books because my two sisters used to read them, but of course that was some time after 1952. The cover at the far left is belatedly appropriate for the recent passing of the St. Valentine's Day celebration.

Mopsy - 1953. This is another one I never heard of. After a little browsing I learned that Mopsy began as a single panel comic strip Gladys Parker in 1939 and by the end of WWII was syndicated in 300 newspapers.

The comic book was first published in 1947 and ran through September of 1953. Gladys Parker retired in 1965, and the character Mopsy disappeared from all publications. Parker died the following year at the age of 56.

(To the left is a sample page from inside this issue.) - You can see the damage to the book at its bottom. No doubt some hungry mouse sampled the pulp paper and ate all the way through.

Peter Pig - 1953. (far right) This is still another comic book and character I don't recall.

Captain Gallant of the Foreign Legion - 1955. I don't remember ever seeing the comic book, but I remember well the television series. There was only one issue of the comic book ever published and it was sponsored by the H.J. Heinz Company, which also sponsored the black and white TV program.

Captain Michael Gallant was portrayed by Buster Crabbe. Crabbe is the only actor to have played all three of the characters: Tarzan, Flash Gordon and Buck Rogers on the big screen or television. His real-life son Cullen, played Cuffy Sanders for whom Capt. Gallant provided a father figure.The program also starred Fuzzy Knight as himself to provide comic relief.

Treasures or trash? None of them seem to have much value to collectors in mint condition, and as they are in less than a pristine state, they virtually worthless.

I guess it's true what they say, one man's trash is another man's treasure. I sealed them in non-acidic bags and put them away for another day.


Monday, February 16, 2009

The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray (24)

Part 24 of an original tale that delves into the unexplored realms of the human mind. Hired by her lover to find a raven haired beauty, Benjamin Bering must avoid the local police as well as the agents of a nonexistent government agency who are after him and the woman. There are just two problems. The woman is in a coma and her body has been stolen. (Part 1 can be found HERE.)

Was It Good For You Too?

I stared at the blank television screen for some time trying to gather my wits, to fathom what I'd just seen. It made no sense at all. I didn't know if I should be angry or if I should be accepting it as just another strange twist to an already unbelievable chain of events.

I didn't realize at the time that I was shouting with a generous amount of expletives as I beat forcibly upon the door to Michelle's bedroom. My face was flushed with rage and the veins in my forehead were protruding when she opened the door. Her mouth was open to speak when my fist landed on her jaw. The male body in which she dwelt staggered backward.

Rubbing her chin she said, "I take it that means you've viewed the third disc?" With an almost apologetic bow of her head she declared, "I guess I should have prepared you for what was on that disc."

"No shit!" I snapped. "You wanted me and Susan to see that? What are you ... sadistic?"

"Would you have felt any better about it had I told you?" she asked. "Look Ben," she asserted, "You were going to have to see it eventually. Would you have preferred sooner or later?"

I didn't respond right away but turned to the bar and went about pouring myself a much needed strong drink. I downed the contents of the glass in two hurried gulps. I closed my eyes as the river of fire coursed its way down my throat. I raised my voice again, "I don't have that option now, do I?"

"Ben," she said still not looking at my face, "Michael and I had nothing to do with that disc. I mean, we had nothing directly to do with the experiments on it. We were victims too."

"Victims? Victims? That work was your project - your research!" I grew silent for a moment and studied her face. I sighed and offered, "The Feds and Mr. X..."

She nodded, "Those discs are a compendium of experiments that were conducted over four decades."

"That explains those scenes from Vietnam. I thought nothing would shock me after seeing the general, Brock O'Day and Jimmy. That is until ..." It was like a shot in the dark that I realized that one burning question had not been asked. "How is it that you just happen to have those three discs in your possession?"

She took a deep breath and exhaled as she spoke, "Before I answer that, Ben, I need for you to be careful what you say and when you say it in my presence."

"The personality shifts? You are definitely aware of them then?"

She nodded and replied, "Yes. I thought it was a possibility before, but when you showed me that diagram it confirmed my worst fears." She looked me in the eyes and continued, "When, if, the next time I light up a cigarette ... please, change the subject." She walked over to the bar and poured a drink before speaking, "As for your question about those discs, I received them about an hour after our first meeting the night you responded to my e-mail."

"You received them from ...?"

"I have a contact, a mole if you will," she replied after hesitating a couple of seconds. "I want to keep that person's identity out of my mind completely, so please don't ask me for it. I fear that contact might be the next to die."

"Fair enough," I responded in agreement to her request. "There's another matter that has my curiosity peaked, Michelle." She finished the drink and set the glass down and gave me her full attention. "Both Susan and I have observed you jotting notes on that pad of paper in that cabinet above the bar. They're not really chess moves, are they?"

She smiled faintly, "Well, yes and no. A few times when I felt other thoughts or someone else in my head, I think I was picking up some spillover, sort of like a feedback from that person's thoughts. When the "intruder" is my head, I think I am aware of who it is, but when they leave I don't remember."

I rubbed my chin and nodded, "I see. When you were writing the notes you were trying put it into a code of sorts, something the intruder wouldn't or couldn't solve. Clever."

She grinned, "Thanks, but it hasn't helped me one bit. I don't know what the code means once my head is clear. I do play chess, and I know that those opening moves all have names. They're usually named after some chess master who used those moves in tournament play. I've tried, but I haven't been able to connect those names to a possible identity..."

I began to play that stupid game with my thumbs while question after question formulated within my aching skull. It seemed that the more I learned, the more I needed to know. "Back to the discs, namely the third one," I said to her, "how many more surprises are there for me?"

"For you?" she replied. "Once more."

I shook my head in despair, "Great. Just great. First I see myself butt ass naked wearing one of those things on my head. ... And whose brain am I wired to, but you in your real naked body! To make matters worse, I have no memory of that ever happening." I began to pace; I couldn't sit or stand still.

She remained silent and watched my movements. "You know, when I have sex with a woman, especially a beautiful woman, I'd like to remember it," I said continuing my tirade. "Do you remember it? Tell me, was it good for you too?"

Michelle shook her head without looking at me, "No, I don't remember it. I learned about it from the disc. I was shocked as well." She forced a smile, "I'm sure it was good ... for both of us."

I ignored her remark and raised my voice, "If all that wasn't bad enough, you're telling me I'm on there screwing away in the name of science again? Who am I playing hide the wienie with next? Susan?"

She turned away and reached for a bottle from the bar. She didn't bother to pour the liquid into her glass but instead drank straight from the bottle. Her silence was the answer I didn't want to hear.

I took a deep breath to calm myself and said, "I was afraid of that. Look, for now, despite your advice, I don't want Susan to see that disc. I don't want Susan to know what's on that disc." I pointed my finger at her, "You got that?"

I almost jumped out of my skin when her soft voice spoke from behind me, "What am I not supposed to see or know about?"

(To be continued with part 25 on Friday 2/20, in I Don't Know What I Know.)


Sunday, February 15, 2009

A Taste of Love

Invariably, there will always be someone who forgets their significant other on Valentine's Day. They are faced with the silent treatment - or worse - when they don't even show up with at least a card!

This blogger has a solution. Below are some sentimental and (wink wink) suggestive cartoons and redeemable coupons that can save the day for those forgetful souls out there.

If you are one of these people, help yourself to the toons and coupons. Simply copy and past them onto an e-mail to your significant other. HEY, they are better than nothing! Yes, it is the day after Valentine's Day, but better late than never. At least they show you remembered and put some effort into it.

Then you can put your partner into a good mood when you tell them the joke at the end of this post.

A New Intern

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in. The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating nonstop.

The intern asks the doctor he is with why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.

The doctor answers, "Oh, he has a medical condition where the sperm builds up so quickly in his body he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode."

"Oh, I see," says the intern.

They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher receiving oral sex from a nurse.

Again, he asks the doctor, What is up with THAT?

The doctor says, "Same condition, better medical plan."