Howdy, folks! Cletis Clyde here. How y'all doin'?
Sure has been quite a spell since I last talked to y'all on this here blog. I can't rightly recall when that might a been neither. But anyhow, I thought I'd stop by and remedy that situation.
Y'all probably been a wonderin' where I been and what I been doin', right? Well, I been purty busy a doin' what I like to do most of the time. And jest what is that you might be askin'? Tarnation! Y'all should know me by now. I reckon they's nothing that I like to do more than mostly nothing. And I'm proud to say that I'm danged good at it too!
Well, anyways ... you might be wonderin' what's with the pitcher of the eagle up yonder next to my handsome face? Well, they's a reason fer that and a reason fer the reference to birds up there in the title of this here posting.
It is wiffin a heavy heart that I'm a fixin' to tell y'all about the recent loss of three of my kinfolk and it has everything to do with birds. To be fair to our national symbol, 'tain't got nothing to with eagles neither. I was just too lazy to look fer some udder bird pitchers.
Yeah, it was a real family tragedy. We had closed casket funerals fer my three cuzzins. Then we watched in silence as they put Elmer, Billy Jim and Abner in the ground. We decided we wuz a gonna wait until the next day before we started fightin' over the stuff they had.
Fer The Birds
I reckon I should tell y'all what happened and why it wuz we's had to bury them good old boys. I figger I'm the best one to tell the story anyhow. You see, I wuz up there on Table Rock when all three of them fell off that 1000 foot cliff to the rocks way down at the bottom.
It all started in town over at Clem's pet Shop. I was with Elmer when he asked me to go with him to buy some birds. I didn't ask him what fer he wanted the birds, besides 'tweren't none of my bizness.
When we wuz inside, Clem came over and asked, "Howdy, fellas. How can I help y'all?"
Elmer pointed to a cage and said, "Them's the ones. Clem, we'll take four of them little budgies in that there cage. Two fer me and two fer cuzzin Cletis here."
Clem put four the birds into a box and said they wuz a dollar each. When Elmer said he wuz broke until his welfare check came in, Clem said it wuz okay to cuff the sale until then.
Well, from the pet shop we walked up the mountain until we got to Table Rock. It wuz a poplar place to go coz it was high up and they wuz a good view of the udder hills and hollers. They wuz also some stories of people a jumpin' off there when they's had problems they cudn't figger out.
Elmer went to the edge and looked down at the rocks way down below. Me? I stood back as far from the edge as I cud. I don't never want nothin' to do with high places, iffin you knows what I mean.
Elmer called out, "This looks like a good place fer sure!"
He then took two of the four birds outa the box and puts them on his shoulders. He winked at me and all of a sudden he up and jumps over the edge! I crawled to the edge and saw the two birds fly away. But ol' Elmer he kept on a fallin' until he landed on the rocks below and it surely killed him.
I wuz jest gettin' back on my feet when a nudder cuzzin showed up. It wuz Billy Jim, Elmer's little brother. It turns out he jest came from Clem's pet shop too! Seein' that he wuz a carryin' in one hand a cardboard box, and a shotgun in the udder hand. I figgered he musta bot some birds of his own, but I had nary a clue what the shotgun might be fer.
"Hello, cuzzin Cletis," he said a grinnin' big-like. "Watch this!"
Well folks, I guess it's no secret that when a hillbilly or a redneck says 'Watch this,' somethin' bad is gonna be happenin'. Sure enuff ...!
Without waitin' fer me to say anything, he opened up the box and pulled out a large parrot! He then throws the parrot into the air over the edge of the cliff. Lawd a mighty iffin he didn't jump off the edge backwards! While he wuz a fallin' he took aim with the gun and shot the parrot in midair. I had to turn my head before he hit the rocks down there.
Bye and bye I wuz a still standin' there grievin' fer two cuzzins who jest jumped off Table Rock when their older brother Abner came walkin' up to where I wuz.
"Howdy there, Cletis," he said with his toothless grin. "You seen my two brothers? They wuz sposed to me meet me up here."
Before I could answer he opened up a box he brung along. It seemed that he done bot somethin' from Clem's Pet Shop like his two brothers had before.
There wuz a chicken in Abner's box. He grabbed the chicken by its legs and said, "Too bad you ain't got no video camera, cuz. This is gonna be a good one."
Before I could open my mouth to tell him about his brothers' fates, danged if he wuzn't airborne. He was a plummetin' down feet first with his arms stretched over his head and his hands a holdin' onto that chicken's legs. Don't guess I need to tell you that at least the chicken wuz spared!
Yup, I'm sure you would agree that it wuz a sad day fer me and the rest of my kin.
I learned a valuable lesson that day. Make that three valuable lessons.
Some sports are fer the birds!
And I will never, ever try these sports:
Well folks, I guess I'll close fer now. I still got a lot of grievin' to do.
Oh, by the way, I got three widows who might need some comfortin', iffin y'all knows what I mean.
(Thanks to a friend, Karen Gillanders, who posted this joke on Facebook. Of course I took some liberty on this post to adapt it for Cletis.)