Friday, January 29, 2010

Butterfly Dreams

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.


In a desperate attempt to save their lives, the minds of clinically dead Ben Bering and Susan Parsons had been transferred respectively into the bodies of Michael Black and Michelle Gray. That sacrifice would not come without a price.

The transformation should have heralded a long and happy life together for Ben and Susan. As they would soon discover however, life can sometimes get in the way.

Adapting to life in their new bodies had been an intense study in perseverance for the couple. In their minds, behind their eyes they were still very much Ben Bering and Susan Parsons. On the other hand, standing before a mirror those same eyes were greeted by reflections not of themselves but of those of Michael Black and Michelle Gray.

Accepting their composite existences had been one thing, but actually becoming the other persons had proven to be the most challenging part of their new leases on life. Fearful of losing their own true identities, they'd had to learn to emulate the personalities, mannerisms and idiosyncrasies of the former occupants of their bodies. Ben and Susan had to become Michael and Michelle, the inheritors of the vast empire of the deceased Bishop King.

Dealing with that duality had been necessary in order for them to maintain a public presence, but in private moments it had begun to drive a wedge between them. Although deeply in love, they had not been able to willingly allow themselves to be held in the arms of one whose physical appearance was that of a stranger. Hoping that time might dissolve their mutual rejections, in the end they had made a pact to stay under the same roof but to sleep in separate bedrooms.

Both Ben and Susan had come to the realization that if they were ever to become intimate with one another, they had to first become more comfortable and familiar with their own respective bodies. The fires of love and desire still burned within their souls and they were determined not to allow their emotions to become dying embers.
Susan stood naked before the full length mirror and studied her reflection. She had to admit that Michelle had bequeathed to her one fantastic body. She stepped closer to the mirror and twisted at the waist to better admire her breasts which were a full cup larger than those of her former body. The long raven black hair cascading onto her shoulders was in sharp contrast to the short sandy hair she'd always known. She retired to the bed and allowed her hands to seek out those newer areas most sensitive to touch.

In his own private moments Ben had also been posing before a mirror. Michael had been six inches taller to support a more youthful and muscular frame. Of course, Ben was fifteen years the other man's senior. Where Ben had once fretted over a receding hairline, Michael sported the full crop of thick hair through which Ben's fingers now frequently coursed. The transformation had also provided a significant boost to his libido, thanks to the obvious increase of endowment.
There had been numerous failed interludes during the initial twelve months following their "funeral services," but none of that sexual friction had resulted in consummation. Ostensibly their mutual rejections of each other had led to frustration and short tempered arguments. At one point their breakup had become imminent.

It had taken but one moment in which they had found themselves frozen in the mid-act of physical violence that cooler heads had finally prevailed. Susan, a meat cleaver poised above her head, and Ben, his fist clinched ready to strike; they stood staring at the last persons in the world they would ever want to harm.

Acquiescing that their stubborn refusals to sit down and talk had to cease, Ben and Susan embraced one another for several tearful moments. If they were truly in love and if they wanted to share their lives together, they knew that they had to share their fears as well as their love.
It was Susan who spoke first. "You have to believe me, I love you with all my heart. I never knew love could be so wonderful. When I look at you ... I don't see Ben. It's Michael standing before me. Yes, I know that it's Ben in there, but it's almost like I would be ... cheating on the man I love," she said as tears cascaded down her cheeks. "There are other times when I look at you ... I want that man standing there. It's like I'm fantasizing and desiring another man! I feel so guilty and ashamed."

Ben touched her arm with one hand while handing a tissue to her with the other. He cleared his throat and said, "I've never doubted that you love me. I assure you that I truly love you too. I cannot imagine the thought of not spending the rest of my life with you." He leaned closer and kissed her cheek. Touching his head against hers he continued, "I have to admit that I was going through the same thing you were. The male animal in me wanted you and Michelle, but it was tearing me apart that I was losing sight of which was which, and who I desired the most."
It finally happened one night that their hearts, minds and bodies came together as one. Physically, the union had been an intense soiree that had fulfilled their pent up carnal needs in ways they had never imagined. In matters of the heart, their love had been cemented in an unbreakable bond. No less important, their minds had come to grips with the enigmatic duality that had threatened to tear them apart.

The unlikely events of a year ago had resurrected four lives and had coalesced them into two composite entities. Ben and Michael had become one. Susan and Michelle had become one. It was only inevitable that Ben would propose and that Susan would accept, even though it would be Michael and Michelle who would walk down the aisle.

Wings in the Wind

I was awakened by her restless tossing and turning next to me, her cries of anguish ringing in my ears. I gently shook her shoulder and called her name. Her eyes wide and her body trembling she bolted upright.

"That same dream again, sweetheart?" I whispered.

She moved into my arms and laid her head upon my chest. She nodded and replied, "Yes. I'm standing naked in the street. Behind me is the same motel somewhere on Route 66. I'm cold and I'm confused. I don't know how I got there. There are those same blue fluorescent butterflies swarming all around me! Next there's the wind, and it scatters them off into the night. I'm standing there alone ... so alone!"

"I know you don't want to talk about it," I whispered in her ear, "but we can't ignore the fact that there are others out there with access to the technology."

She nodded, "I know. It's just that my head is messed up enough, what with Michelle's trace memories and my own that I've lost. I don't need to be worrying whether or not someone is trying to get into my head."

I touched my finger upon her lips and said, "I understand, but surely you can see the significance of the butterflies."

She sat upright and with her arms folded about them pulled her knees up against her bare breasts. "Of course I do! How could I not?" She twisted her head until she was looking over her shoulder at me and added, "This butterfly tattoo ... down there where the sun never shines ... I might not be able to see it, but I know it's there!"

"Yeah. I envy it, always so close to the nectar," I muttered with a lighthearted repartee.

"Oh, please!" she exclaimed looking up to the ceiling.

I placed my hand on her back and with a finger traced a path to the base of her spine. "I'm sorry, honey ..."

She bolted from the bed and glared at me. "How would you feel if they'd tattooed a butterfly on your ... your balls?" She grinned in mock satisfaction when without hesitation my hands covered that same exposed area of my anatomy.

"Your point is well taken," I replied in sheepish resignation.

It was at the moment that telephone on the nightstand interrupted our exchange with its rousing rendition of the William Tell Overture.

"You and your Lone Ranger ring tone!" she said as she picked up the receiver. She hit the speaker button and voiced, "Hello?"

" Michelle!" cried the woman on the other end. "It's Rosie! She's gone!"

"What? What do you mean ... she's gone!"

I scrambled out of the bed and launched myself into a frantic search for my clothes which had been thrown hither and yon in lieu of the heated interlude we'd enjoyed the previous night.

She hung up the phone, "That was Betty, the nurse on duty. She went in to check on my mother and the bed was empty. Her wheel chair was still there next to the bed."

( To be continued in Part 2 on Friday 2/5/10 with ...

"We Were There, But We Weren't" )

№ 1901

Thursday, January 28, 2010

And the Survey Says ...

Here's a collection of actual faux pas answers given by contestants on the game show The Family Feud.

Something you remove before having sex
Banana Peeling
Name something that has edible skin
A part of the body beginning with the letter N
An occupation starting with "J"
A question you don't like to be asked
"Are those real?"
A measurement of liquid
An animal used as a form of transportation
Something you'd feel bad if you broke it
An occupation where you need a flashlight
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine
Something that you buy and then have to take good care of it
An infant
An invention that has replaced stairs
Something you often misplace in your car
Steering wheel
Something made of leather that a cowboy uses
One of Santa's reindeer
Something you should do in moderation or you'll be sorry later
Something that falls from the trees
Bird shit
Something you have that you wish worked better

I don't know about you, but I'm still trying to figure out the first one. Banana peeling?


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Late Night With Statler & Waldorf

What if Statler & Waldorf were late night talk show hosts?

Statler: Did you hear about all that money they gave Conan O'Brien to walk away?
Waldorf: Hey, they had to shut him up somehow.
Statler: You mean to stop talking about his contract?
Waldorf: No, his monologues.

Statler: Well, they finally filled Ted Kennedy's Senate seat.
Waldorf: Yeah, with a lot room left over in that chair.
Statler: What's worse than a Senatorial session without Ted Kennedy actually being in it?
Waldorf: How about a session WITH him in it?
Statler: They called him the Liberal Lion.
Waldorf: Yep, his lyin' was liberal!

Waldorf: Did you see our guest acts rehearsing?
Statler: They aren’t half bad. *
Waldorf: Nope, they’re ALL bad!
Statler: What’s all the commotion backstage about?
Waldorf: That dancing dog ran away.
Statler: Well, you know what that makes him?*
BOTH: Smarter than us!

Statler: What's with the tomatoes?
Waldorf: They're for our first guest.
Statler: That bad, huh?
Waldorf: Yep. It's someone they didn't want on the Tonight Show?
Statler: Oh? Who is it?
Waldorf: Jay Leno!
Statler: Ho! Ho! We're gonna need some more tomatoes!

Waldorf: I hear Leno's gonna be off the air until after the Winter Olympics in Vancouver.
Statler: Is he going there to watch them?
Waldorf: No. They're gonna use his chin as a ski run.
Statler: Ho! Ho! Does that means he's a mogul?

Statler: How do think we'll do going up against that other late night host?
Waldorf: What host is that?
Statler: You know, the one who sounds like he works for the post office?
Waldorf: You mean Letterman?
Statler: Yeah, the one with the gap-toothed smile.
Waldorf: At least he has teeth!

Statler: The network gave us our own show - so why did they leave us up here in this balcony?
Waldorf: So they could hide the puppeteers.
Statler: What puppeteers?
Waldorf: The ones with their arms up our asses!
Statler: Oh! ...And all this time I thought I was gonna need a stronger physic!

Statler: Whoa! That was a moving experience!
Waldorf: You liked that act that much?
Statler: No, the puppeteer just opened and closed his fist!

Statler: You know, I think my puppeteer forgot to remove his watch.
Waldorf: Why do say that?
Statler: Coz I just had my best movement in a long time.
Waldorf: Well, he is out of practice.
Statler: Pardon the pun, but what's he been up to?
Waldorf: He was unemployed.
Statler: Another victim of the economy, eh? What did he do?
Waldorf: He was a proctologist.

Waldorf: Statler, wake up. It's time for the next act.
Statler: (YAWN!) What act is it?
Waldorf: It's the HOOTERS finalists for their national bikini contest.
Statler: Oh boy! Let's synchronize our pace makers! *
Waldorf: Hooters are owls. I find it disturbing they call a woman's breasts that.
Statler: Yeah. WHO's gonna look at 'em anyway?
BOTH: WE are!

Waldorf: Help! Help! Statler just fell out of the balcony!
Statler: (From below) I'm okay! One of the Hooters girls caught me!

Waldorf: I thought you were okay. You've got two black eyes!
Statler: (Back in the balcony) It only hurts when I blink.
Waldorf: What happened?
Statler: I thought I'd give that puppeteering thing a try.
Waldorf: You didn't! You tried to put your hand up her ...?
Statler: She didn't believe me when I said I wanted to be a proctologist.
Waldorf: (Staring at co-host in silence)
Statler: Ouch! (Rubs eyes) I blinked.

Statler: I really liked that last act. Didn't you?
Waldorf: What? What did you say?
Statler: Turn your hearing aid on!
Waldorf: Uh-oh. I think the battery is dead.
Statler: I said I liked that last act. The one with the street gang playing the steel drums.
Waldorf: What?
Waldorf: I believe it. They'll take anything that's not bolted down.

Statler: I feel like singing a song for the audience.
Waldorf: Can you sing tenor?
Statler: Sure. Why do you ask?
Waldorf: Wait until I'm ten or eleven miles away before you start singing. *

Statler: Waldorf, look at this note the producer just handed me.
Waldorf: Who's it from?
Statler: It's from that Hooters girl!
Waldorf: Really? What's it say?
Statler: It's her phone number. She wants me to call her.
Waldorf: (Snatches note) You old fool! It's not addressed to you.
Statler: It's not?
Waldorf: No. It's for your puppeteer.
Statler: Ouch!
Waldorf: Did you blink again?
Statler: No. It's worse than that.
Waldorf: Your lumbago acting up?
Statler: It's worse than that too. Ouch!
Waldorf: Are you having chest pains? Should I call a doctor?
Statler: Heavens, no. It's much worse than that!
Waldorf: What is it? What's wrong with you?
Statler: I've got a very big pain in my ass!

* (Lines indicated with the red asterisk were actual gags aired on the Muppet Show.)


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Thinking: A Terrible Waste of a Mind

Sometimes I find myself wasting my time ... thinking. I don't mean thinking in general, I mean wasting my mind thinking about something ... general!

Now if that made sense, I would click on that publish button and call this a post. Of course, if I did that, I'd be accused of not thinking ... period.

I'm referring to banality, wasting my mind and time thinking about things trivial. As I see it, there is trivia and then there is the trivial. I love trivia and all things nostalgic, especially when it comes to music, movies and TV shows of the 50's and the 60's.
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect! - Source Obscure
I take pride in remembering that the Skipper's name on "Gilligan's Island" was Jonas Grunby and that the full name of Wrangler Jane on "F Troop" was Jane Angelica Thrift. I know that Buck was the name of horse ridden by both Ben Cartwright on "Bonanza" and Matt Dillon on "Gunsmoke." I could go on and on with such trivia, but to me it's entertainment and not trivial.

To me, the trivial matters that waste my mind and my time are nonsensical and cannot be answered with logic or fact. To wit:

Christopher Columbus

How was an Italian able to convince Queen Isabella of Spain to finance what was then a half-baked idea to sail west for a short cut to China in the east?

What did she get in return to seal the deal? Since the consensus back then was that the world was flat and that ships would fall over the edge, surely she would want at least a show of (ahem) faith. Perhaps she thought it was true what they say about Latin lovers?

See what I mean about trivial matters? It was a complete waste of mind thinking about it! ... And yet, the accompanying picture above got me to thinking if that might not have been the way that moment in history went down. After all, aren't many present day deals made in the same manner? Oh, the sacrifice old Chris might have made!
The world was made round so that we would never be able to see too far down the road. - Anonymous
Turning the Tables

I once wasted my mind and time wondering why nude artists never paint fully clothed models.

Would the artist become distracted trying to imagine what was beneath the model's clothing? Would it then be the model who would get distracted by wondering how the artist would look wearing clothes?

Would I find it more comfortable fully clothed in front of a naked artist, or bare-ass in front of a dressed artist?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Here's something that I've wasted mind and time thinking about:

I've seen a lot of those commercials on TV by auto dealerships that set my mind to wasteful thinking. It may be a matter of semantics but it's trivial nonetheless.

How come I cannot buy a used car anymore? It seems that dealerships are only selling previously owned vehicles nowadays. Now if that isn't perplexing enough, they are advertising that their automobiles and trucks are certified!

I need certification that someone else once owned the car? That one has a sign that says 'low mileage.' Let's see, the odometer reads '89,000 miles.' Unless they've been driving the thing around on the lot, I'd take a wild guess that it's not a brand new set of wheels.

Wait! I see what they are up to! They are rolling the odometer forward in order to pass it off as used previously owned. Hey, they'll have to get up awfully late in the day to fool me!
Using their logic, would a woman married for the second time be considered used or previously married? Would a man under the same circumstances be deemed used or previously henpecked? Under those scenarios, would they be certified?
Closing Wasted Thoughts

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?


Monday, January 25, 2010

Senior Moments

Love Seat

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

Honest Abe

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

Money's Worth

There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement
home. The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex
with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex
with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room,
light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll
never forget."

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her
purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, "So, you want the
romantic night in my room, eh?"

The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker."


Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night.

Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so's me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her."

The bartender says, "Why did it take three sons to get you off?"

Jake says, "I fought 'em."

Hats Off To Her

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

The Burglar

An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store. While she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermelons in her garden, cruelly shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find any money.

Well, a couple of hours later the old lady returned home. When she discovered what had happened to her house she immediately called the police. The officer on the other end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was.

She simply replied, "Officer someone broke into my house, took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my pussy."

'Til Death Do Us Part

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

Vitamin C

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?"

Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

False Advertisement

A patrolman was making his evening rounds in this small town. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

“Heavens no, we bought it,” one of them replied.

“Then why don’t you drive it away?” the officer asked.

“We can’t drive.”

Perplexed he asked, “Then why did you buy it?”

“We were told that if we bought a used car here we’d get screwed……we’re just waiting.”

That's the Guy!

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

Then the third old lady chipped in with: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."


Friday, January 22, 2010

Hale's E-Mail Call

My e-mail box was getting full. I thought it was time to cull through it, pick out the good stuff and post them here to share with others. - Hale McKay

Poetry in Motion

There was a woman who wanted bigger breasts so she went to her doctor, Dr. Jacks, and questioned him about implants.

He explained, "Before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up, rub your boobs and say "Scoobie-doobie-doobie, give me bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine.

So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she recited, "Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies."

A man standing next to her said, "You must go to Dr. Jacks."

"Yes, but," she said, "how did you know?"

He replied, "Hickory dickory dock, give me..!"
-Thanks Bill

Being Anal Retentive

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days] Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'


No virus or unsanitized rectal thermometers were found in this incoming message.
-Thanks Moosefeaddahs

Talk About Anal Retention...

I was shopping at the supermarket I came upon a unique piece of Nickelodeon merchandising - a Spongebob Squarepants Musical Rectal Thermometer! Yes, it’s musical. And yes, it’s clearly marked for rectal use. It actually plays the Spongebob theme in your ass when your temperature is taken!
-Thanks Jackie

Feeling unappreciated at work lately?

Ignorance might be bliss, but something's gotta start to smell...

-Thanks again, Moosefeaddahs

The Year: 1947

Some of you old enough will recall and others have heard the stories that on July 8, 1947, 63 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) carrying five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may not know is that in the month of of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles S. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses? I hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It certainly did for me.

No wonder they support bills to help illegal aliens!
-Thanks Beatrice

World Record

Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP from a KNEELING position ?

The record (0.757 metres) - remember this is from a KNEELING position - was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France .

This photograph was taken a split second before the jump - but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved.....

-Thanks Jack K.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Privvy Privy

Best Named Toilet Companies

20. Happy Can Portable Toilets, Atlanta, GA

19. Drop Zone Portable Service Inc., Frankfort, Ill.

18. Blackmas Best Seat In The House Inc., Bradley, Ill.

17. Plop Jon Inc., Port Saint Lucie, Fla.

16. A.S.A.P. Port-A-Pots Inc., Hampstead, Md.

15. Ameri-Can Engineering, Argos, Ind.

14. Bobby’s Pottys, Joppa, Md.

13. Johnny On The Spot Inc., Old Bridge, N.J.

12. LepreCAN Portable Restrooms, Chicago

11. Loader-Up, Inc., Sarasota, Fla.

10. Mister Bob’s Portable Toilets, Vero Beach, Fla.

9. Royal Throne, Washington, D.C.

8. Tanks Alot, Tomball, Tex.

7. Pee Pee Inc, Roseville, Mich.

6. Wizards of Ooze Ltd., Anacortes, Wash.

5. Oui Oui Enterprises Ltd., Chicago

4. Gotta Go Potties, Tobyhanna, Pa.

3., Chicago

2. Willy Make It? Oregon City, Oregon

1. Doodie Calls, New Orleans

Hap-Hazardous Duty

Pennsylvania firefighters in biohazard suits had to use soap and a saw to remove a naked man stuck in a porta-potty. Shannon Hunter, 31, was “wedged in tight,” said Deputy Fire Commissioner Chris Miller, “so we systematically had to cut pieces of the toilet away.” Asked to explain his predicament, Hunter would say only that he’d “needed to use the bathroom” after having seven beers at a nearby bar. “When I asked him why he was naked,” said Miller, “he just shrugged his shoulders.”


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

41 - The Winds of Change

One quarter of a score ago, on January 20, 2005, I dipped my toe in the waters of blogging for the first time. Five years (1826 days) and 1894 posts later ... I'm still at it.
(Although I'll admit to being sometimes burnt out.) -->

Essentially my blog would be classified as a humor site, even though there is a smattering of some original fiction, sexual content and editorial-like commentaries here and there.

About 80% of my posts are original products of the sometimes twisted thought processes at work behind my eyes. Some of the posts have been lifted, stolen, plagiarized, although I prefer to refer to them as "borrowed," and some have been contributed via e-mailers.

My favorite posts have been those that took the form of satire and parody. In that genre I have often taken liberty to poke fun at celebrities, especially politicians. (I miss George W. Bush! Like professional comedians, joke writers, and other humor Bloggers our previous President provided us with a bountiful source of material.)

Those who read my blog know that I have generally steered clear of politics with any seriousness in my postings. Today, on my 5th Blogiversary, with this posting I've decided to teeter on the serious side.

Hey, Obama! No you can't!

As it has gained national attention, I'm sure that most of the readers are only too aware of the special election that took place yesterday in the state of Massachusetts. That election was held to fill the vacant Senatorial seat of the late Edward M. Kennedy.

The heavily favored Democratic candidate and current Massachusetts Attorney General, Martha Coakley, virtually invisible with few public appearances, decided to wage a defensive attack campaign against her Republican opponent Scott Brown. After all, she must have been thinking, what chance did a Republican candidate have in a state that has been historically and predominately the playground of the Democratic Party? How dare a Republican make a bid for Teddy's sacred throne?

She had the backing of the ruling Democratic Party. She was endorsed by the Clintons and of course, the Kennedy family. Labor unions and powerful lobbyists were backing her. Two weeks ago the polls showed her with a 30-point lead. How could she lose?

I don't know that it had anything to do with the outcome, but did I mention that she's blonde? The way she ran her campaign and her arrogant demeanor was reminiscent of a former First Lady who felt entitled to a certain desk in the Oval Office.

The critical importance of that Senate seat to the Democratic Party was only too evident when Air Force One, bearing President Obama, landed at Logan International Airport in Boston. By golly, she must have thought, with the President of the United States in her corner and speaking in her behalf, how could she lose? She needed to look no further than the states of Virginia and New Jersey where Obama flew to the aid of the Democratic candidates there. Oops! Both of those candidates lost!

Heaven forbid that a Republican would win that seat! Why, that would give the Republican Party 41 seats in the Senate! 41 seats would give them filibuster power! 41 Republican seats would be a threat to Obama's precious health care plan!

41 - The Winds of Change. The winds are blowing! Martha Coakley's defeat and Scott Brown's victory are just a precursor of things to come as long as our government maintains a status quo.

One thing is certain. Those 2000 pages of gobbledygook that Obama calls a health plan is earmarked for the circular file. It is unacceptable in it present language and must be rewritten. Thanks to Martha Coakley and her poorly run candidacy that will happen.

The winds of change are blowing and in 2012 they will hold open the door while the next President enters and ex-President Obama exits 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

As a rule I never state verbally or in this blog espouse my political views. This is the first time that I have publicly stated that I voted for a particular candidate. I voted for Scott Brown - not because he's a republican - (I am an unyielding independent voter and refuse to commit to a Party) - but because I felt he was the best candidate for the job - and that he represents that very important and needed 41st seat.


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Nom De Plums

Author Please!

Here's a treat (?) for all avid readers. The following books may not make the New York Times' Best Seller List, but they are guaranteed to bring either a smile to your face or a groan in your throat.

It was a rather childish and thoroughly enjoyable form of punning. They don't rank up there with such classics as "Under the Bleachers" by Seymour Butts or "Yellow River" by I.P. Freely, but I tried.

You may have to read some of the authors' names aloud to get them. You might consider letting the first and last names "run-in" to each other. Also, a little phonetic liberty has been taken on several of them. (If you are stumped on any of the titles and authors, list them in the comments section and I'll "translate" them for you. I hope!)


Religion - by Abel Lever

Big White Bird - by Albert Ross

Sorry! - by Anna Poloji

The Solitary Beast - by Annie Malone

The Singer - by Barry Tone

The Blessing - by Benny Dixon

The Tightrope Walker - by Betty Falls

Urban Areas - by Bill Tupp

My Life as a Cowboy - by Brandon Steers

English Breakfast - by Chris P. Bacon and Ann Negg

That's Life - by Cilla Vee

The Lion-Tamer - by Claud Face

The Poker Player - by Delia Cards

Prehistoric Reptiles - by Dinah Soar and Terry Dactyl

The Building - by Eddy Fiss

Ships in Harbor - by Dr. Longside

The Open Window - by Eileen Doubt

The Visitor - by Enoch Zatador

The Broken Window - by Eva Brick

The End Of The Week - by Gladys Friday

Under Arrest - by Hank Uft

Make Your Home Secure - by Havelock Smith

Lady Godiva - by Honor Whitesteed

Frankenstein Meets Dracula - by Horace Tory

King Kong - by Hugh Jape

I'll Follow - by Hugo First

Reminiscence - by Ira Member

Drafts - by Dora Jarr

Make 'em Laugh - by Joe King

At The Eleventh Hour - by Justin Time

Fried Chicken - by Ken Tucky

Slimming - by Lena Boddy

Paint Ingredient - by Linsey Doyle

Keeping The Peace - by Lorne Order

Painting Walls - by Matt Coats

How To Have Fun - by Meryl Lee

Spoil The Child - by Molly Coddle

The Gardener - by Moses Lawn

The Void - by M. T. Ness

Journey Across The Desert - by Mustapha Kamel

On Bended Knee - by Neil Down

D-Day - by Norman D. Landing

The Unexpected - by Oliver Sudden

Clementine - by Omar Darling

Primitive Transports - by Orson Cart

The Debtor - by Owen Munny

The Funeral - by Paul Bearer

Don't Give Up - by Percy Vere

A Visit To The Dentist - by Phil McAvity

The Cavalryman - by Rhoda Norse

The Bouncing Bullet - by Rick O'Shay

Crime Does Pay - by Robin Banks

Continental Breakfast - by Roland Coffy

Cereal Story - by Ryan Dotes

The Excursion - by Sally Forth

That Can't Be Right - by Shirley Nott

Where's My Hat? - by Sonia Head

How To Be Noticed - by Stan Dout

Bliss - by Trudy Light

You're a Big Boy Now - by Tyrone Laces

Rocks Ahead - by Vera Way

Triumphant Procession - by Victor E. March


Sunday, January 17, 2010

Blonde in One Eye

During a recent password audit,
it was found that a blonde
was using the following password:
When asked why such a long password, she said she
was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and
include at least one capital

<-- Tiffany realized her date was beginning to unravel.

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn and she rolled the dice, and landed on "Science & Nature."

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

After hearing that milk baths would make her beautiful, a blonde left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake - she probably meant 1.5 gallons. So he knocked on her door to clarify her note.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you really mean 15 gallons or did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No. Just up to my breasts."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "concentrate."

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She studied for a blood test.

She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

She sold the car for gas money!

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.


Saturday, January 16, 2010

Baby Boomer or Gen X-er?

You're Lost Between Baby Boomer & Generation X If:

You remember Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool.

Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up.

You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart.

You've ever rung someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"

You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco.

You remember the premier of MTV -- or worse yet, you remember its predecessor, "Friday Night Videos."

A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was alternative, and when "alternative comedy" was really funny.

You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.

You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you.

You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: "You know, back when...," "When I was your age...," or "When I was younger..."

You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets (or the sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete.

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar, math and history. (A big hint here is if the only way you can recite the Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.)

You ever dressed to look like someone in a Madonna, Cyndi Lauper or Duran Duran video.

You remember your first kiss with someone having happened while either "Leather and Lace" or "Crazy for You" was playing.

The age-old question "Where's the beef?" still makes you laugh.

You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly have more advanced special effects than "TRON."

Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka.

You had a crush on Ted the photographer on "Love Boat," Gage from "Emergency," or Ponch from "CHIPS."

Your hair at some point in time in the '80s could only be described by saying "I was experimenting."

You've ever shopped at Benetton.

When you heard Boy George singing "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?" - you let loose with a resounding "YES!"

You're starting to believe that having the kids in school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

You're currently employed doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with your college major.

U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.

You were too young to see "Blue Lagoon," so you just had to settle for the second-hand reports.

You remember trying to guess which episode of "The Brady Bunch" it was by the first scene.

You had a front-row seat (i.e., blew off one or more classes) for Luke and Laura's wedding on "GH."

Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.

You know who shot J.R.

You recall when Love's Baby Soft was in every girl's Christmas stocking.

You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on. (Related item: you were sure that "New Coke" would NEVER catch on.)

You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease" soundtrack.

This rings a bell: "My name is Charlie, and they work for me."

You've ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.

You sat with your friends on any given Friday night circa 1982 and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny was actually there.

"All skate, change directions" means something to you.

You've ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to wear.

You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli. (Related item: if you've ever smacked yourself in the head with a shoe and exclaimed, "I'm so wasted!")

You owned a Preppy Handbook.

You remember when movies were only PG and R.

Your answer to the "Maryanne or Ginger?" debate has never changed.

You learned to swim at about the same time "Jaws" came out....and still carry the emotional scars to prove it.

You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch... and your "cable remote" was connected to the TV by a CORD!

You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or-worst of all-what Sheriff Roscoe's full name was.

Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.

You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.

You remember having a rotary phone.

You actually believed that Mikey, famed kid on the Life cereal commercials, died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.

"Members Only" jackets...say no more.

And lastly, a song that will stick in your head for the rest of the day: actually remember the words to the theme song of "The Greatest American Hero."



Friday, January 15, 2010

Much Ado About Nothing Doing

Over the last couple of years most of the posts appearing here on Mondays and Fridays have been installments of original fiction spawned from my twisted imagination. Since the conclusion of the last yarn, The Quill and the Quire, I've been struggling to get back into the flow. The creative juices seemed to be undergoing a drought.

They say that the human mind is like an open book. Imagine my chagrin to find mine has blank pages! That would suggest that if I were to speak my mind, I would have nothing to say.

What then can one talk about, when one has nothing to say?

Consider the proverbial tree in the forest; if it falls and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? If I were to post an article about something and no one was to read it, wouldn't it follow that nothing was read? Conversely, and herein lies a conundrum, if I were to post about nothing and someone was to read it, how is it that something was read? Or was it?

When asked to speak one's mind, how is this possible when one's mind is blank? Can one talk about nothing? It is said that politicians can speak at length without saying anything. Is it really possible to say something, and yet say nothing? Surely, in this case, nothing is something. Isn't it?

There must be something to nothing. After all, we hear nothing all the time. When an athletic team is shut out, they scored nothing. Isn't that something? "Hey buddy, got a fiver I can borrow?" "Sorry mate, my pockets are empty." But wait, don't pockets have insides? Now that's something!

Even Shakespeare wrote "Much Ado About Nothing." Curiously, there was something about that piece of work. There must be nothing in something; if not then nothing is nothing.

I'm glad this makes sense to no one because I know nothing of the something I am talking about, because I have absolutely nothing to talk about. Something about nothing has just got to better than nothing about something. Don't you agree?

However, if this makes sense to someone, then they know something of the nothing that I don't know of which I am talking about. That means they would know exactly as much as I know. Nothing!

Now, isn't that something?

You know, the healthiest part of a doughnut is its hole. Ironically, you must eat the something that surrounds that hole in order to eat nothing. It doesn't make sense. Why not start with the hole? At least we'd have something left!

It would appear that I've produced something on the screen. Is it something about something? Is it nothing about something? Something about nothing? Or is it nothing about nothing?

See what I mean? I can think of nothing to say ... and that's saying something!

Since, I have nothing to say about something, or anything for that matter, I will say nothing until I think of something to say, even if it is about nothing.

The Beatles sang "Something", but I think the Blues Magoos said it best: "We Ain't Got Nothing Yet..."


Thursday, January 14, 2010

Stercus Accidit

I thought I'd try a little literary escapism today - Latin style.

What follows are some mostly non-conventional Latin phrases and their parenthesized translations. For the record, let's just say that Julius Caesar never uttered any of these.

You might want to copy some of these down to impress your friends and family members with your knowledge of the language once spoken on the iters ( streets ) and forums of ancient Rome.

☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺

Nunc Est Bibendum - ( Now it is time to drink )

Nullus Est Instar Domus - ( There's no place like home )

Nullum Gratuitum Prandium - ( There is no free lunch )

Mater Artium Necessitas - ( Necessity is the mother of invention )

Errare Humanum Est - ( To err is human )

Noli Me Voca, Ego Te Vocabo - ( Don't call me, I'll call you )

Let's Get A Little More Cutting Edge

Braccae Tuae Aperiuntum - ( Your fly is open )

Ascendo Tuum - ( Up yours! )

Stercus Accidit - ( Shit happens )

Sit Vis Nobiscum - ( May the force be with you )

Credidi Me Felem Vidisse! - ( I tought I taw a puddy tat! )

Farrago Fatigans! - ( Thufferin' thuccotash! )

Isto Pensitaris? - ( You get paid for this crap? )

Obesa Cantavit - ( The fat lady has sung )

Osculare Pultem Meam! - ( Kiss my grits! )

Quid Agis, Medice? - ( What's up, doc? )

Pone Ubi Sol Non Lucet - ( Put it where the sun doesn't shine )

Radix Lecti - ( Couch potato )

Este Volumen In Toga, An Solum Tibi Libet Me Videre? - (Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me? )

Clamo, Clamatis, Omnes Clamamus Pro Glace Lactis - (I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream )

Ad Eundum Quo Nemo Ante Iit - ( To boldly go where no man has gone before )

Mihi Ignosce. Cum Homine De Cane Debeo Congredi - ( Excuse me. I've gotta see a man about a dog )

Non Gradus Anus Rodentum - ( Not worth a rat's ass )

Nil Illigitimi Carborundum - ( Don't let the bastards get you down )


( I'm Outta Here! )


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Getting a Mad-On

Mad-On: n. an agitated state brought on by the inconsiderate acts of others or circumstances beyond one's control; the visible display in reaction to those acts and circumstances

There's no denying it, we've all had a Mad-On at one time or another. It may be thinly veiled in the guise of a grimace, a deep sigh, or a rolling of the eyes skyward, but it's there. Sometimes a Mad-On can manifest itself as a barely controllable urge to cause bodily harm to the perpetrator responsible for one's agitation.

How many times have you clinched your fists because of the actions of some moron? How many times have you had to bite your tongue to stifle a stream of obscenities? How many times have you been locked and loaded a la Rambo?

Let me guess, too late you've discovered you've picked the wrong checkout line at the supermarket for one of the following reasons:
1. The aforementioned moron has placed items on the conveyor belt which total more money than he or she has on their person, which in turn forces a floor manager to be called to the register to subtract items.

2. Another person attempts to pay for an order with an expired or canceled credit card.

3. The clerk points to the person in front of you and announces that after them the register will be closed!
You go to the bank with business that cannot be done at the ATM thus requiring assistance from a teller. There are a dozen or so people in line ahead of you and there is only ONE teller manning a window! Oh yeah, the bank's computers are down and you cannot get a printout of your transaction!

You stop at a newspaper vending machine. You insert your coins but the door didn't unlock AND your coins are not returned! You go a convenience store to pick up the newspaper but the Punjab clerk is more interested in those customers who are buying lottery tickets and playing Keno than selling you a newspaper. (Also waiting to be served is an old lady wishing to buy a loaf of bread and a half gallon of milk.)

You come out of the convenience store only to find that some asshole has double-parked next to your vehicle. Not only are you hemmed in, but the idiot parked so close you can't even open the driver's side door of your vehicle. It comes as no surprise when the owner of the car (an elderly lady) emerges from the convenience store with a fistful of lottery scratch tickets!

You are beginning to wonder why you even got of bed that morning. You need a cup of coffee! You go through the drive up lane at Dunkin' Donuts, order a small coffee with milk and sugar, pay for it and drive away. Moments later you are espousing four letters words like a truck driver - the idiot at the drive up window handed you a black coffee!

Next you realize that school is out! You are caught in backed up traffic comprised of moms driving minivans and SUVs to pick up their kids! A sea of teens has flooded the streets, crossing where they choose in spite of the crossing guard at the crosswalk not 10 yards away. One pimply-faced kid, who apparently thinks he's going to be a rock star someday, decides to demonstrate his drumming skills on the hood of your vehicle.

You're waiting at the pump for the attendant at the gas station only to see him reset the price by an increase of 3 cents per gallon before waiting on you!

By now you've really got a Mad-On! You are beginning to relate to Michael Douglas' character in the film Falling Down!

Admit it. You've had things like this happen to you. You've had a Mad-On over these kinds of things and things not mentioned here.

Yes, I had a serious Mad-On yesterday. Why? Because every single one of those things above happened to me today. Now that I'm home, I can only hope I can achieve a Cool-Off!


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

T-Shirt Jive

God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends

My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going

If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

(on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off

What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About

(on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge

I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just Can't Remember It All

(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

(Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount

Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")

Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money

Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be

Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law

If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt

If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take

First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping

An Erection Does Not Count As Personal Growth



Monday, January 11, 2010

Fossil Fuel

Blogging To Save The World

News coverages around the world center on the discussions and heated debates about the diminishing supplies of fossil fuels and the research and development of alternative sources of energy.

It seems that the so-called experts in the fields of alternative energy are missing an obvious an untapped source of alternative energy. It is quite literally under their noses. With today's technological know-how, it should be a simple matter to construct an effective collection and distribution system and thus harness this limitless source of energy.

What is this untapped and limitless source of energy you ask?

It's a gas generated by practically every living thing on the planet Earth. That's right - flatulence! Allow me to put it more succinctly - farts!

As such, we sow what we reek! Proof that it can generate energy is demonstrated in the following graphic:

Of course that establishes in the following narratives the theme of this blog.
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like Tiffany's, and greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident," she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price!"

Obama Meets the Queen

At Heathrow Airport in England. A 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Obama strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.

This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Obama and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

Barack Obama, ever the intellectual and gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
There certainly is enough literature out there for these energy experts to cull through to learn more about these flatulent gases:

Selected Farting Statistics and Factoids (from all three Alec Bromcie books)

• Average number of farts per day: Man 15 to 17, Woman 8 or 9.
• Record farting frequency: 145 farts in 24 hours, 83 farts in 4 hours.
• The average man releases enough flatus in a day to blow up a small balloon.
• Farts can travel as far as 15 meters and the smell can linger for 5 minutes. Because some farts contain greater amounts of heavy gas, they will hang around longer than others.
• If you fart into a bottle and put the cork back in (or into an airtight tin), you can preserve your ripest farts for some time. ( Note: It is very unsocial to do this in someone else's flask or lunchbox. )

The Silent Ones
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh ... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

Explosive Development

Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way.

On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.

After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said, "I looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit me in the eye."

So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says, "I was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head!"

Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach laughing his head off! The three ask him what's so funny?

The man replies, "I farted and that building exploded!"

Heap Big Problem

There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn’t come out.

So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, “Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tomorrow to tell him what happened.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, “Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, “Big chief, no fart.” The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, “Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gives him 10,000 cans of beans and says, “If this doesn’t work then nothing will.”

The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.

The doctor anxiously asked, “Well, did it work?”

The messenger boy says, “Big fart, no chief!”