Saturday, May 31, 2008

Dating + Mating = Deflating

The picture at the left is one of Bill Clinton picking up chicks during his college days. Of course, in this particular case he struck out - shot down in flames, so to speak.

It isn't an original concept to take old jokes and to insert the names of celebrities into them. Sometimes, this makes a funny joke even funnier. I needed not to look any farther than the Clintons. Why not? After all, they're fair game. Aren't they?


On their first date Bill took Hillary to see an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat.

Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on his lap.

Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"

"Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.


Bill took Hillary out to dinner for their second date. Later they went to a show.

The evening was a huge success and as he dropped her at her door he said "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"

She agreed and a date was made.

The next night he knocked on her door and when she opened it she slapped him hard across the face.

He was stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"


After the incident with the roses Hillary was still mad at Bill. He kept calling her on the phone.

Hillary, with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her "What happened to your ears?"

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-bitch called back."


Most of Bill Clinton's friends had already gotten married, and he was dating girl after girl, never staying with one for more than a month.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, aren't you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Bill replied. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole mother?"

Many months go by and he and his friend get together at his wedding reception. "So Bill, you finally found the perfect girl! Is she just like your Mother?"

Bill shrugged his shoulders, "Yes, Hillary is just like mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."

"Then why are so glum?"

"My father can't stand her!"


Bill Clinton and his new bride, Hillary ask the hotel desk clerk for a room.

"Congratulations on your wedding!" the clerk says. "Would you like the bridal, then?"

"Naw, thanks," says Bill. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."


When she was pregnant with her Chelsea, Hillary paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Hillary confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."


Hillary went to lunch with an old friend.

She said to her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.

Hillary replied, "A billionaire."


One afternoon George Bush, Al Gore and Bill Clinton were talking in the pub. Bush and Gore are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while Clinton remains surprisingly quiet.

After a while Gore turns to Clinton and says, "Well, what about you, Bill? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

Bubba answered, "I'll tell you. Just the other night Hillary came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."


Because of her campaign schedule Hillary Clinton was having trouble keeping up with her apartment. She decided to hire a maid. She hired a pretty young woman with beautiful blonde hair.

The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, against her better judgment Hillary told Bill about the maid's lack of hair.

He said, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I'll hide in the closet with the two-way mirror so I can have a look."

The next day, Hillary asked the girl and she agreed. The two of them went into the bedroom, and the girl stripped and showed her.

Still naked, then the girl said, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

Hillary is not comfortable with it but agreed. She removed all of her clothes and with both of them standing in front of the mirror she allow the girl a close look.

That night, Hillary said to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Bill replied, "You think you were embarrassed...I had George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Tony Blair in the closet with me."


Friday, May 30, 2008

The Clintonian Institution

Bill's Bad Night

When he was President Bill Clinton worked hard at the White House and spent most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife Hillary thought he was pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she took him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greeted them and says, "Hey, Bill! How ya doin?"

Hillary was puzzled and asked if he'd been to that club before.

"Oh no," said Bill. "He's on my bowling team."

When they were seated, a waitress asked Bill if he'd like his usual and brought over a Budweiser. Hillary was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and said, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then came over to their table, threw her arms around Bill, started to rub herself all over him and said "Hi Billy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Hillary, now furious, grabbed her purse and stormed out of the club. Bill followed and spotted her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tried desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but she was having none of it. She was screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Geez, Bill, looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight."

Hillary's Sex Therapy

Hillary Clinton was very distraught over the fact that she hadn't had any sex for over 5 years. Even her sex-obsessed husband Bill hadn't been taking any interest in her. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."

She did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery srow to odderside of room."

Again, Hillary did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery srow back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex."

Hillary asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what exactly is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

Monstrous Comparisons

---Alien: Scary.
Hillary: Ditto.

---Alien: Single purpose to use humans as hosts for its hatchlings.
Hillary: Single purpose to use humans as hosts for her ambitions.

---Alien: Persistent, will not quit.
Hillary: Persistent, will not quit.

---Alien: Acid runs through its veins.
Hillary: Venomous blood in her veins.


Thursday, May 29, 2008

(Sh)It Came From Outer Space

Roswell, NM -- The residents of Roswell, New Mexico are no longer worried about the sagging economy and the nation's recession. As Ufologist, scientists, the U.S. military and a host of former abductees converge on this southwestern city, its business owners are gearing up for a wave of money-spending visitors.

As was the case on July 7, 1947, Roswell is readying itself to once again become the center of Unidentified Flying Objects and extraterrestrials. Sixty-one years ago this desert town became the center of controversy and intrigue when a mysterious flying object crashed on a ranch. According to witnesses the object was a spacecraft from another planet. The U.S. military moved in and quickly disavowed the reports claiming the craft was a fallen weather balloon.

Conspiracy theories soon followed on top of rumors that the government had carted the wreckage and its alien crew to Edwards Air Force Base and stored them in a mysterious hanger dubbed Area 51.

The latest excitement at Roswell stems from a series of events that occurred several days earlier in the skies over Dubuque, Iowa. The pilot of a commercial airliner bound for Chicago's Ohare International Airport, reported seeing several fireballs that crossed the path of the plane. The copilot corroborated the pilot's account of the incident and added that the objects were moving a great rate of speed on a course parallel to that of the 747 jet.

Purportedly, there was also a report that Air Force F-22 Raptor fighter/interceptors were scrambled when NORAD radar picked up an unidentified aircraft entering U.S. air space over Salt Lake City, Utah. Although unsubstantiated, the pilot of the jet said that the object then split into several smaller objects, presumably breaking up in the earth's atmosphere.

At an undisclosed location several residents of Ohio have been reporting strange objects falling from the sky. They claim that they heard sonic booms followed seconds later by fiery objects striking the ground. Said a corn farmer, "When I heard the 'booms,' at first I thought it was National Guard planes on maneuvers in the area. But when I saw the fireballs, I figured it was a meteor."

Although government officials are denying the witnesses' reports, several farmers insisted they saw and heard the objects. One old man stated, "I thought there was gonna be a big explosion when it struck the ground, like that one that wiped out the dinosaurs. Can you believe it, all I heard was a big 'splat' and there was one God-awful smell!" A Kentucky man claimed he was struck in the head by one of the objects. "Tarnation! It split my head open and I thought my brains was a-spillin' out," he said, "...And the stink! I never knowed that one's brains stunk lack that."

A West Virginia woman claims that one of the objects struck the windshield of her Yugo. "Lawd," she said, "I thought fer sure it was gwonna shatter the glass. Danged if it didn't just splatter 'gainst the glass." Throughout rural Appalachia there been similar reports of what are being referred to as "soft meteors" falling from the sky. The precise location of these strikes are being closely guarded and witnesses have been sequestered in the best interest of national security.

Teams of scientists, bacteriologists, ecologists, etc., have been scouring the mountains to collect the soft meteorites.

In covert operations, all of the located material was loaded into trucks and hauled away under heavy military security. It was immediately assumed and therefore rumored that the meteorite remnants were being shipped to Area 51. It wasn't long after before the rumors hit the streets of Roswell.

Business owners and opportunists alike immediately began setting up kiosks full of UFO and alien-related souvenirs. One elderly town official and entrepreneur was seen lugging large cases from his attic and cellar. It turns out that nearly 50 years ago he purchased several hundred cases of a Quaker Foods cereal by the name of Quisp. "I knew that someday those alien fellers would return," he told reporters. "So I thought why not collect a bunch of that cereal for the big day? See, it even has a picture of a cute friendly alien on it!"

While there is excitement of possible windfall sales in Roswell, hysteria reigned supreme in other parts of the country.

After extensive testing scientists have discovered that the meteorites are composed of living tissues and cells which contain enzymes and amino acids among other organic substances. They are even more baffled however by the presence of both proteins and vegetable matter. All the while, these experts have had to wear masks and breathing apparatus because of the stench being emitted from the objects.

This Blogger is greatly disappointed by the ineptitude of these so-called specialists in their respective fields. I'm certain that my conjecture is correct and it has taken me far less time to arrive at my conclusion than all those scientists with their haughty titles and impressive doctorate degrees.

I had to look no further than the daily newspaper and TV news broadcasts. I didn't need spectrometers, microscopes, DNA testing, etc. All I needed was my mouse and an Internet connection.

Did they not pay attention to the recent trouble up there in the International Space Station? Hello? For your information you rocket scientists, the only toilet up there isn't working. It's broken. What do you suppose is happening with all that - ahem - waste that has been deposited in the head?

Well, it seems that some of those astronauts up there have decided to do more than walk in space! Someone else up there went ahead and pulled the chain anyway! Just like Clarence Birdseye's process of "quick-freezing," the stuff was frozen solid. In a day or so all that frozen material finally got caught in earth's gravity. Can you say: "What goes up, must come down?"

Because the material was so frozen only a thin layer of it burnt away upon entry into the atmosphere. It was pretty much thawed out by the time it hit the earth's surface and/or anything that happened to be in line with its downward trajectory.

So get a grip people. We are not being invaded by some superior race of conquerors. They only invade those worlds that are populated by intelligent life forms.

To the government officials, military leaders and scientists, I say if you're not going to pay attention to the news or read the papers - then turn on your computers, get on the Internet and type "It Occurred To Me" into your browser. Once there, look for this posting dated Thursday 5/29/08.

Don't get offended when you I shush. (Sh...)It Came From Outer Space!


Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Headlines That Grab Ya

Tubby Teddy Skips Commencement For Sailing
It is reassuring that his brain cancer has not clouded his priorities. Because of his recent illness, "Lumpy" was unable to meet his prior commitment to speak at a graduation ceremony. Apparently being at the helm of a sailboat for four hours is less taxing than standing at a podium for 15 minutes to address the graduation class of Wesleyan University.

Obama Fills in For Ted
Fortunately there were no bitter gun-toting hicks in the graduating class. While many of the graduates were impressed with his oratory skills, they were disappointed that many of his sentences began with the phrase, "As President I will..." They were not pleased that his commencement address turned into political stumping.

Foreign Policy

Much has been said about Barack Obama's lack of experience in dealing with foreign policy. It is indeed something a President needs to have. He should be studying up on the subject. Some Americans are more concerned about his lack of knowledge on domestic policy. (Then again, the lame duck Bush fails to impress in this area.)

Hot Political Badge

Introducing the hottest must-have political badge for 2008.

Make a statement. Let the parties know that you don't want any of the stiffs running for President of your United States!

Get yours today.

American Idle

If the candidates were contestants on a game show, such as "American Idol," the viewers would have already voted them off.

Alas, the Presidential race is not a talent contest. Is it then a matter of popularity? No, nobody really likes any of them. I guess that makes the up-coming election a multiple choice exam. Some will use the "eeny-miney-moe" method. Some will flip a coin. Some of us will wear our badges and check off (D) - None of the above.

Phoenix: the Mars Lander

She Doesn't Know When to Quit

Related Editorial Cartoons

If we were voting on our favorite and funniest Editorial Cartoons, the two following would get my votes:


Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Echoes of Eddie -22

Can a dead man reach out from the grave to exact revenge against those responsible for his death? Welcome to the twenty-second installment of a story that explores that possibility. If you've not done so, read the story from the beginning HERE.

She shivered as she saw the first flakes of snow falling. Agnes Nolan drew the collar of her sweater tight against her neck. It was much colder than she had anticipated. She should not have ventured out into the night.

It was Sam's telephone call that had prompted her to go to that cursed place. It wasn't that he'd told her that Brad Sampson had become another name on the growing list of tragic deaths that had troubled her. She had felt no sorrow that those kids were dying, because all of them had been there the night her son Eddie had died. Both time and guilt had hardened her heart.

When Sam said that the Jameson man was going up there to open Eddie's grave she was horrified. She could not, would not stand by and let her son's grave be defiled.

She stood unseen in the shadows and watched as her estranged husband stood by the mounds of earth that once filled the grave. He was looking around in all directions. Did he sense that he was being watched?

Catherine had felt compelled to walk in the direction of the cemetery while Marjorie and David headed to the large clearing which abutted the old quarry. She gasped when she saw that the grave had been disturbed. There had been movement within the earthen cavity.

She stared in wonder at the two figures. Dobbs, who she knew was actually Samuel Nolan, was standing over the grave site with the shovel in his hand. About twenty yards away, in the shadows of the trees Agnes Nolan was also watching the man.

That the three of them would be there at the same time at that foreboding place must have been some cruel twist of fate. The three of them, who were were so intrinsically linked by he sins of one past, were seemingly being drawn together again by the sins of another past. Were those sins of the two pasts about to be atoned by sins of the present?

Tiffany's revelation was not what Jack so desperately wanted to hear. He was certain that she was finally going to tell him that he and not Hunter was little Billy's biological father. Although he'd never pressured her about it, he had long suspected it to be so.

The words he'd anticipated however, were not forthcoming. Yet, the words she did utter evoked emotions and memories the two of them would rather have remained suppressed.

"Jack, Hunter is on his way to the cemetery. He's going to dig up Eddie's body!" she'd exclaimed to him. "We have to stop him!"

Jack was dismayed when they pulled onto the unpaved lot situated below the path leading to the crest of the hill. Not only was Hunter's car sitting there, but on either side of it were two others. One belonged to Marjorie Nolan. The other was the one that the tow truck driver Dobbs usually drove.

More disconcerting, however, was the third vehicle, an old unregistered Pontiac. It had been parked next a row of uncleared brush, its driver-side door standing open. The worried looked their faces were sharing expressed the same question, "Why was Agnes Nolan there?"

It was with urgent resolve they found themselves struggling to climb the path. It wasn't lost in their troubled thoughts that others, others who were not supposed to be there were already on the scene. Jack was as equally troubled by the fact that the one car that should have been there, that of his brother Steve, was noticeably missing.

Steve watched Catherine as she left the hospital and climbed into the backseat of the car. As he'd expected Marjorie and David were in the front seat. At that distance he couldn't make out the young man's face. It was troubling to think that he would become a part of whatever might occur up on that hill. They would be on their way to quarry and he would arrive a few minutes behind them. He closed his eyes and rubbed his throbbing temples.
He was standing before an unattended grave. He was alone in a cemetery which sat upon a knoll overlooking the wooden post that marked the city limits of his hometown. He knelt before the grave and gazed upon the lettering etched into the marble headstone: Edward Nolan - Jan.12,1980-Dec.29, 1997.

"Eddie, please forgive me. I'm so sorry I didn't try to help you!" he exclaimed as he fought back the tears welling in the corner of each eye. Above him a howling wind that seemingly had been summoned by unseen forces, tore across the foreboding graveyard. Dead branches in dead trees creaked in a mournful dirge.

He reached out and placed a trembling hand upon the cold marble of Eddie's stone. He tried to speak again, to beg forgiveness again, but the words were caught in his throat. His eyes widened at first in wonder as bits of earth upon the grave seemed to move. The wonder became fear as larger clumps of earth fell to the sides of a rising mound in the center of the grave.

Fear gave way to terror when a skeletal hand, bits of rotting flesh clinging tenuously to it, suddenly burst free from the earth. Bony fingers latched onto his arm and began to pull him. A silent scream froze within his chest.

He realized he had nothing to dread. Some inner voice gave him cause to relax and to do what must be done. It was with frantic purpose he began to claw at the earthen mound.
His eyes opened with a start. Momentarily confused he looked about just in time to catch sight of the disappearing tail lights of Marjorie's car. The recurrence of the dream, for the first time had not left him terrified but had given him a sense of inner peace. Soon the major players, with the minor cast having been eliminated, would be united on the stage where it had all begun so many years before.

It had been a near traumatic experience to meet David face to face again. She'd hoped he wouldn't sense the resentment she'd felt for him. She had prayed that the resentment would no longer be present. She had to remind herself that it wasn't his fault. He didn't asked to be born when he was. He hadn't chosen to become the baby of the family. Yet, his arrival had stripped her of that favored standing.

Catherine raised a finger to her cheek to intercept a tear drop that had crept from her eye. She knew in her heart that it wasn't really David she hated. No, her resentment should have been forged into anger and it should have been directed at her father. She shook her head and clinched her fists that fate had intervened and spared the son of a bitch. The coward had taken the easy way out and had hanged himself.

After that night never again did he raise his fists in anger at anyone in the house. Never again did his angry voice shatter the peace of their home. She shuddered trying to hold back the threatening tears. Although the pain and the shame were still pent up within her thirteen years later, she was able to take solace in knowing that he would never sneak into her bedroom again. He would never again touch her.

"Perhaps it was a bad idea," Dobbs whispered to himself. "Maybe I shouldn't have arranged for everyone to be together in one place."

He glanced into the depths of the grave at the unmoving body. It was with a contrived measure of remorse he paid respect to the man. "You've been nothing but an asshole, Hunter, but you weren't supposed to die. None of you were supposed to have died."

The deaths were troubling. He himself had planted the seed of the presence a ghost with his tale of the floating blue object. His story, combined with the ad that had appeared in the paper, had been enough to spook everyone who had been at the quarry that night. That was their intention. Then there were the accidents! They had all occurred in such a relative short period of time ... two days. It didn't seem possible that they could have all been coincidental, and yet, there was no evidence to suggest otherwise.

His partner and fellow mastermind seemed to be dealing with the unexpected deaths with a show of passive indifference. When they had met five years before he had been reluctant to dredge up the memories of that night. Given the chance to get even with them was tempting, but to also let the truth of that night be known was something he couldn't take lightly.

It wasn't only that truth that worried him. There were the other truths ...

( to be continued... Echoes of Eddie -23).


Monday, May 26, 2008

Burnt Offerings

Due to family commitments for the Memorial Day holiday weekend, the next installment of "Echoes of Eddie" which would normally appear on Mondays could not be completed in time.

It will appear here at this site tomorrow, (Tuesday) May, 27.

The following has appeared at so many sites across the web, that it is practically impossible to credit the original source. I have added a few cartoons in attempt to make my act of piracy seem a little less obvious.

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:


(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:


More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:


More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

How come one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?


Sunday, May 25, 2008

A Bad American

Today I am passing on a couple of items I received in a recent e-mail.

I am a BAD American.

I Am Your Worst Nightmare.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary, be it Democratic or Republican!

I believe that owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer, I believe it makes you a smart American.

I believe that being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time watching or arguing about it.

I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, and I WILL NOT pay reparations for something that I didn’t do.

I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.

This is AMERICA, I believe if you don’t like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!

I want to know which church it is exactly, where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them, because if you’re not guilty, WHY are you running?

I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you’re breaking the law, regardless of what color you are, that’s the job we’re paying them to do.

And, no, I don’t mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it’s good, it lets you know it’s really me.

I’m proud that the word ’God’ is written on my money.

I believe that if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making ‘donations’ to their cause.

I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I believe ‘illegal’ is illegal no matter what the law makers think.

I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed to fly over American soil! If you want to fly the flag of YOUR nation at the top of a flag pole, by all means, do so, IN YOUR OWN NATION! And if the American flag is NOT your flag, then this is NOT your nation!

If this makes me a BAD American or causes you to classify me as a racist, then yes, I’m a BAD American and a racist.

If you’re a BAD American, if you share the same feelings and beliefs that I do, please, copy and post this on your web site for everyone to see.

We want our country back! GOD BLESS AMERICA!


Two Rednecks Enlist in the Air Force

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a sanitary waste truck walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"


Saturday, May 24, 2008

What is Memorial Day?

While I enjoy a three day weekend as much as the next person, I wonder whether or not it is a good thing. We observe our holidays on a Monday instead of their calendar dates so that we can enjoy those long weekends. However, I'm afraid that it's an unfounded theory.

Allow me to qualify that by stating that only some of us actually get to enjoy three days away from work. There are many who have to work, not only on the holidays, but Sundays as well.

Those holidays that have been transplanted to Mondays are for the most part becoming, if they aren't already, generic and transparent. Their transparency lying in that their significance have become lost. Some people, the youth of today in particular, have become clueless as to what the holidays represent.
1st man: "Got any plans for Memorial Day weekend?"
2nd man: "Sure. Gonna fire up the barbecue and cook up some steak tips, burgers, hot dogs and kielbasa. Got a couple cases of brewskies on ice now."
1st man:"Same here."
2nd man: "Memorial Day is a great Holiday, isn't it?"
1st man:"You bet."
3rd man:"Aren't you going to visit the cemetery?"
2nd man: "???"
1st man: "???"
Of course, the first and second men knew the meaning of Memorial Day, but couldn't remembering celebrating it in its true spirit. Well, if they don't recognize the significance of the day and practice it, how then will their children learn the meaning of the day?

When I handed a copy of the editorial cartoon that opens this post to a friend, she said it was tasteless! She wanted to know why anyone would want to show such disrespect for dead American soldiers by arranging coffins to spell out "Memorial Day"?

I couldn't convince her that the cartoon was not meant to be disrespectful, but rather it was reminder, albeit a grim reminder, that we should honor those men and women who have given their lives to defend our country.

She couldn't see, or didn't want to see the editorial message in the image. I saw it, after all I was a Vietnam-Era veteran. I found it ironic that she too was a veteran, having served as a nurse in the Korean conflict.

Yes, I know that the cartoonist's message was that we need to remember and honor those who have died and those who now fight for our freedom.

Any nation that does not honor
its heroes will not long endure.

- Abraham Lincoln


Friday, May 23, 2008

Will Rogers Never Met Ted Kennedy

"What a nightmare I had last night. I dreamt that I was a Washington party and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home." - Jay Leno

Edward "Shamu" Kennedy was rushed to the Mass General Hospital this past weekend after suffering from a seizure. After tests were conducted it was determined that he had a malignant glioma of the brain. It is the deadliest of brain cancers from which few have survived for more than three years.

I don't wish any suffering upon the portly Senator from Massachusetts, but I cannot understand the almost godlike esteem given the man. I can see why there was concern about the news of the cancer. I felt the same way. I don't how the news of him being rushed to the hospital was received across the country, but it was down right pathetic here in Massachusetts. It was this and not the public's reaction to the news of his cancer that bothered me.

Nearly all of the local stations' programs were interrupted for the non-stop all day coverage of his admittance into the hospital. I had only seen that kind of reaction to a news story during the Sept. 11 attacks on the WTC and Pentagon.

If I hadn't known better, I would have thought a great man or a member of a royal family had died! ... But it was ONLY a Senator. ...It was ONLY Ted Kennedy. To make matters worse he'd collapsed while preparing food for himself.

The reporters were praising his accomplishments as a U.S. Senator. They were quick to cite all the bills that bore his finger prints - and they were notable bills. I noticed however, they made no mention of the bills bearing his foot prints - those he'd voted against because they served the interests of the common folk and not him. In number those he gave the thumbs down to were more numerous than those he supported.

Most recent of these are the measures to erect wind mills out in the ocean to help generate electricity and to ease the burden on oil. Why would he vote against such measures? Why, it would mess up his view of the ocean from his back porch at his palatial estate. He would be able to see them, never mind that they would be just specks on the horizon. Imagine the poor old bastard sitting there trying to enjoy his fresh lobster washed down with his 10 am cocktails and having to look at those eyesores!

How about that $8 million book deal?

The editor-in-chief of "Twelve," which will publish Teddie's memoirs, said of the Senator, "Mr. Kennedy is 'walking, talking history'.."
(Gives new meaning to "Money talks and bullshit walks," doesn't it?)

The Working Title:

Other possible titles include: "A Bridge Too Far" - "Driving Miss Kopechne" - "Splash" - "Wrong Turn" - "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" - "Driveby Drowning" - "Guide to the Bars of New England and Washington, D.C." - "Tryst and Shout" -

You can bet that Teddy’s “autobiography” will either ignore or gloss over his extramarital affairs, Mary Jo’s murder, his drunkenness, his cheating in college, and how Mary Jo’s death led to his father’s death. To do so would require a level of honesty and character forever out of his reach.

Random Closing Thoughts

From the movie Animal House, I can imagine that Dean Vernon Wormer was not speaking to Flounder, but to (Shamu) Ted, when he said, "...Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life." (Except if you happened to be a Kennedy.)

If you or I had been behind the wheel of that car in Chappaquiddick and had acted in the same manner, we'd still be in jail to this very day!

All he got was a slap on the wrist and forfeiture of his drivers license for a year!

Did old man Joseph P. see his chance for a Presidential son dashed again and thus lost his will to live?

How kinder to history it might have been had Rose Kennedy been sterile!

Is it any wonder that Joan was an alcoholic?

His deeds and antics are history. Why do we need his autobiography anyway?

Could someone please find Robert Byrd's walker and point in him the direction of the nursing home?


Thursday, May 22, 2008

Ass-imilate These

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where...

:) - means a smile

:( - is a frown

Sometimes these are represented by

- :-)

- :-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(_Y_) a plumber's ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_0_) an ass that's really been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_<>_) patient's ass at Proctologist appointment

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) money coming out of ass

(_?_) dumb ass

(_Q_) ass with a Klingon

Then there are BOOBICONS.

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo A cups

{ O }{ O } D cups

()() cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

<><> electric shock breasts

|o||o| android breasts

(/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch)

(%)(o) extra nipple breasts (like Chandler)

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(^o)(o) zit on your breast

( o Y o ) poses for SCORE magazine breasts

( ~ )( o ) pinched nipple breast

/o\/o\ Madonna's breasts

Gals if you want Peni-cons they are for sale



Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The Bare Necessities

Tonight was a late night at work. Still a little tired from the baseball game last night, the noggin seems to be a little short of ideas. So here's a few jokes and toons on the subject of nudity - the barest of necessities.

A Bird In Hand

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on a beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up toward him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied. "A bird."

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he awoke, he was in tremendous pain and ended up in hospital. The police asked him what happend.

The guy says, "I dont know. I was lying on the beach, and this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know I'm here"

The police went to the beach found the little girl and asked her "What did you do to that man?"

After a pause the little girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

Parents and Son on a Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." Once again the son goes back to play.

A short time later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

A Call to Fire Department:

Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

Got Milk?

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.

Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"

Shooting From the Hip

A guy starts talking to two blondes in a bar. They turn out to be Siamese twins, connected at the hip, and they wind up back at his apartment.

He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He thinks the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone!"

So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past his apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other girl says, "Gee ... do you think he'll remember us?"

But Was It Good?

As a newlywed couple was checking into the hotel for their
honeymoon, another couple at the desk offered to show them around the
town that night. Thanking them for the kind offer, the bridegroom
explained that it was their wedding night and that they'd prefer to
take a rain check.

When the second couple came down to breakfast the next morning
they were astonished to catch sight of the groom in the hotel bar
apparently drowning his sorrows. "Why you should be the happiest
man in the world today," they said coming over to him.

"Yesterday I was," said the man mournfully. "But this morning, without
realizing it, I put three ten dollar bills on the pillow and got up
to get dressed."

"Hey, cheer up, she probably didn't even notice."

"That's the problem," the groom went on. "Without even thinking,
she gave me five dollars change!"


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I Hit You Not!

When I was invited to last night's Red Sox game, at first I was hesitant. The weather reports had called for a high temperature of 47 with off-shore winds of 30-50 mph. My internal thermostat told me that was cold to be watching a night baseball game.

Even though I haven't attended a baseball game in quite a while, the fact that the Red Sox were hosting Kansas City wasn't exactly tantalizing. My friend was persistent and I agreed to go with him.

Besides, I remembered the last time I had turned down free tickets to a Red Sox game. On that night, which was foggy, cold and damp, Roger Clemens set a major league record by striking out 20 Seattle Mariners.

Jon Lester, 24, the Red Sox' highly-regarded young left-handed pitcher was the scheduled starter against the visiting KC Royals. The only two base runners through the first two innings reached base on a walk issued by Lester, and that runner was erased on a fielder's choice off the bat of the next hitter.

With the help of a KC error, the Red Sox put up five runs in the bottom of the third. In the top of the fourth with two outs, the Sox' rookie sensation, Jacoby Ellsbury, made a web-gem diving catch of a fast sinking ball in short center field. We could not have known at the time how significant that spectacular catch would turn out to be. The ball caught by Ellsbury would be the closest the KC team would come to having another base runner until the ninth inning. That runner reached by way of a walk.

With two out in the ninth inning, his ninth strike out of the game clinched it. Jon Lester had pitched a no-hitter!

I know a certain lady on my Blogroll, Rebecca, who is a big fan of the Sox' starting catcher will be happy to hear of this game. For the record, Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek became the first catcher in major league baseball history to have caught four no-hitters! In addition to Lester's gem, he was behind the plate for no-no's hurled by Derek Lowe, Hideki Nomo, and the one last year thrown by Clay Buckholz.



Kansas City 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 1

Boston 0 0 5 0 0 2 0 0 X 7 5 1

WP: J. Lester (3-2)
LP: L. Hochevar (3-3)

His no-hitter is just another chapter in the feel-good story of this young pitcher.
On August 27, 2006, Lester was scratched from his scheduled start against the Oakland Athletics due to a sore back. The following day he was placed on the 15 day disabled list (retroactive to August 24, 2006), and was sent back to Boston for testing. At the time, Lester's back problems were thought to be the result of a car crash he was involved in on August 18, 2006.

On August 31 it was reported that Lester had been diagnosed with enlarged lymph nodes and was being tested for a variety of ailments, including forms of cancer. On September 1, doctors at Massachusetts General Hospital confirmed that Lester had a treatable form of anaplastic large cell lymphoma.

On December 5, 2006, reported that Lester's latest CT Scan showed no signs of the disease, which appeared to be in remission. Lester attended spring training in 2007, and on March 5, 2007, he made his first appearance in a game. He retired all 3 batters he faced, with a total of 8 pitches.

He started the 2007 season for the class A Greenville Drive. Lester then started for AAA Pawtucket Red Sox in late April 2007. As of June 11, Lester was removed from the disabled list, and sent to Pawtucket for further rehab outings. Lester made his first 2007 start for the Boston Red Sox on July 23 against the Cleveland Indians at Jacobs Field in Cleveland, pitching 6 innings, allowing 2 runs on 5 hits and struck out 6, picking up the win.

Lester was the winning pitcher in the final game of the 2007 World Series which saw the Boston Red Sox sweep the Colorado Rockies in four games.

To honor Lester's comeback from lymphoma, Boston Baseball Writers' Association of America honored him with the 2007 Tony Conigliaro Award.

Though it was cold, I had witnessed my first live no hitter. The sell-out crowd and the energy of those fans and the electricity of a possible historic evening of baseball made me all but forget that it was cold out there last night.

...And to think that I almost turned down the ticket!

The Hits Keep On Coming

There may not have been any hits for the Kansas City baseball team last night, but this site, "It Occurred To Me", keeps on piling them up with ...
as of 11:30 pm last night.

It's certainly not as impressive as Jon Lester's accomplishment, but it's gratifying to me just the same. A tip of the hat and a hearty "thank you" to everyone who honors my Blog with their visits.