Tuesday, May 31, 2005

What Were They Thinking?

The following are snippets from a regular column that appears daily in the Boston Herald. These are taken directly from the Boston Police Department's Blotters.
I'll Have 25 Cents Worth, Please
~ Sales Contreras found out Saturday night that a quarter doesn't go far these days. Our hero allegedly solicited the services of a woman he thought was a prostitute. It turned out however, she was an undercover police Officer.
~ He honked his horn at the woman and pulled up to where she stood on Norfolk Street in Dorchester. The last of the big spenders, he offered to pay her 25 cents for "everything."
~ When she asked what he meant by everything, he specified several sexual acts. Contreras was summarily arrested.
~ (One can only wonder if the officer might have been at least a little miffed what the man felt she was worth.)
A McNugget Short Of a Happy Meal
Darrell Allen, 33, of Dorchester and Balbene Samuels, also 33, of Roxbury, apparently aren't eligible any ways soon for Mensa membership. This was exhibited Saturday morning on Blue Hill Avenue. They were drinking beer in plain view of passing traffic, a misdemeanor.
~ Unfortunately for them, a police cruiser was part of that traffic. A subsequent search of the two men produced a 9mm and a semi-automatic handgun, both loaded, bags of crack and marijuana, two knives, and more than $1300 in cash.
~ (Do you think their confiscated knives were sharper than they were?)
From time to time when I find some these gems in the column, I'll post them here.

Monday, May 30, 2005

In Memoriam, In Nomine Domini

A lot of years have gone since the two of you left us. I've been remiss to visit you, although many miles separate us. As a matter of decorum, first on paper and lastly onto my website, I commit to words the feelings I have been harboring for over three decades.
~ Dad, it's been almost ten years and the passage of that time has brought me to terms with the rift that alienated us for so long. I never had the chance, no I never seized the moment, to talk face to face with you as a man. I left home as a boy, naive to the realities of the real world. The late 60's were a difficult time in a troubled country, in just a corner of a hostile world.
~ Only when you were asleep, did I confront the demons that I had buried deep within my subconscience. I was angry that you denied me that tete'-a-tete'. How dare you leave and not let me confront you! My brother had exorcised those demons long ago. He too never faced you, he felt he had no need. I, on the other hand, had suppressed them so deeply that only your death could release them. That release was an emotional cascade that left me weakened and ashamed.
~ I realize now that you raised us the best you could. Only then did I discover that you too had locked away your childhood memories of your father. That explains why you never spoke to Grand Pa. That's why you never allowed any of us to get close. You just drew upon the images of Fatherhood that you had witnessed, and in turn used it as the model that used to shape us. You never confronted your father either, did you?
~ Now that I too have exorcised those suppressed feelings, I am no longer in need of a confrontation. If only you had had the same fortune, perhaps there would have never been a rift between two fathers and two sons.
~ In any event, that is the past, but the son you raised is finally the father you wanted to be and wanted to have. That which I suppressed shall remain within me, free to be expressed. At long last, I can honor you In memoriam and In nomine Domini. (To the honor of and in the name of the Lord.)
Mom, it's only been four years and five months since your departure. For you there was no alienation. As the course of life, college, the military and a family of my own, have kept us apart, but only in the physical sense. I know that letters, cards and telephone calls are not a decent replacement for a hug or a kiss, but under the circumstances it was the best I could offer. It was you and my brother and sisters, who suffered through my absence. While I had no tangible reason I was aware of, I didn't want to come home. Strange, I didn't even know that I didn't want to come home.
~ I know now, that all that I had locked away somehow influenced me to the point that it prevented me from returning home. Somehow I had shielded myself, insulated myself so that I would never have to face him. Though I had no control, I am so sorry that you had to pay the consequences. You know that from our conversation after Dad's funeral.
~ When I flew home that August in 1995, you told my brother something he wouldn't tell me until your funeral. You said to him that you felt it was the last time you would ever see me. God, how could you have known? How could I have known? You were right, Mom. Less than five years later in November of 2000, you left us to lie beside your mother.
~ That cross I bear now. But there was contact, I made it a point to call at least once a month. There were plans in place, we were coming down to W.Va. the following summer of 2001. Everyone was excited down there, as were we up here in Boston. Alas it was not to be ... In memoriam, and In nomine Domini!
~ Yes, I faced myself and those demons. Although I learned a lot when my father died, I realized also that we are fragile beings trying to live a life that is often unfair. Displaying my soul and inner self for the world to chance upon, I place myself above myself. I cannot change what has passed, but I can take those events and shape what I am yet to become.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

(Apparently to avoid the long arm of the law.)
In an appeal of a traffic ticket, Lena and Linc Moore were in court in Ridgecrest, Calif., last week. It appears that their chicken was ticketed for Jaywalking and impeding traffic. For crossing the road the chicken was issued a $54 ticket on March 26, after it wandered onto a road in nearby Johannesburg.
~ California state law restricts livestock on highways, but law does not apply to domesticated animals. The Moore's attorney argued that the fowl was a domestic pet and could not be charged as livestock.
~ The Moore's claimed the ticket was a form of harassment. They were the most vocal of several people who complained that local deputies have done little to curb noisy off-road vehicle riders.
~ "For the last two-and-a-half years no one has been able to stop kids from riding their trail bikes in the middle of the road or the neighbors' dogs running loose around the neighborhood," Linc Moore said. "But when our chicken escaped and crossed the road once, it became a huge issue."
~ While the ticket was dismissed, the Moore's were told to make sure their chicken stayed out of the street. "They singled us out because our names' were on their blotters," noted Lena. "But those noisy bikes are still racing in the middle of the street."
~ One thing is certain, although the ticket was over turned, due to the publicity of the case, the Moore's will be watched for a while. They could find themselves facing animal cruelty charges should there be evidence of a fried chicken dinner!

Desperate House Flies

The recent rains, six consecutive weekends with at least one day of downpours, has had a few positive effects for New Englanders. Obviously the water levels of our reservoirs will be at or near capacity. Lawns will be lush. The last remnants of slat on the side panels of our vehicles and in the streets will be washed away.
~ Not so fortunate is the Musca domestica Linnaeus, or the common house fly. Conspicuously absent because of the rains and cold weather, one can only imagine their frenzied appearance once the temperatures and conditions approach that of spring.
~ Which gives me pause to ponder, where do flies go in the winter months? Do they own time-share property in Florida? It has occurred to me that I have never noticed their exodus during the transition from Autumn to winter. Not once have I seen U-Haul trucks. If they travel en masse in a vee formation like geese, Nova has never aired a program on this phenomenon.
~ Despite some rain last night and possible showers tonight, this Memorial Day weekend promises to be pleasant. The enigma of the flies' vacation habitues was quickly shelved for matters of the moment, particularly yard work.
~ The back yard was alive with lush greenery, bright tulips, and of course dandelions and a smattering of clover. Not to be missed was the sounds of life. The familiar buzz of bees and the chirping birds wafted from all directions. Not to be ignored, there were of course the flies.
~ As was the case when they left for the winter, they had returned unnoticed. Their spring domiciles open, they too were busy with chores. Unlike bees and butterflies, these creatures enjoy the comforts of indoors as well as out. For all our efforts to screen them out, they are no less laborious to invite themselves into our homes.
~ I decided to be the proverbial man on the wall and trespass into their homes and their lives. I started by following a certain fly, just to study his habits. He was a cocky one and apparently well known in Flydom. Every time he came near another male, they would deftly greet with an impressive four-handed set of high fives. He was quite the jokester also. At one point he pointed down at another and said, "Your man is open!" Laughing he flew off, leaving the other shaking his head.
~ Like any young virile male, this one too was on the prowl looking for some females. His multi-faceted eyes taking in everything as he zipped around the yard. It didn't take long for him to spot a pretty one. Well, pretty to a fly anyway. She was sitting on a recent deposit one of my dogs had left behind. He hesitated but a moment before moving into a circling pattern above her. To my amazement, not unlike men, this fly used a clever pick-up line. "Excuse me, miss. Is this stool taken?" She must have been thinking that men are all alike with only one thing on their minds. To her it was the same old shit!
~ Back in my world, I cannot help but reflect upon the life of that fly. Their life expectancy is brief. They can only find shitty work. Everyone gives them shit. And what do they get for supper? Shit! While dealing with all that crap they must find a woman! Like any other male in any species you choose, they have that innate instinct to procreate. Unfortunately they have to dish out and take a lot of shit to accomplish and justify their existence.
~ How do I show my appreciation for that fly's plight? I give him shit of course, with a fly swatter or a newspaper or even fly strips. Such is life for desperate house flies.
No.161 >Counter<

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Instant Replay

Do You Remember? (SNL)
Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! Babwa Wawa Schwing ! Bass-O-Matic Ooooh Noooo!
Jane, you ignorant slut! Land Shark No Coke, Pepsi. Samurai Delicatessen
The Not Ready For Prime Time Players We want your pollen. Don Pardo
I am Gumby, dammit! We are from France. Placenta Helper
We are two wild and crazy guys! It's always something. I'm Chevy Chase, and You're not. Puppy Uppers and Doggie Downers
~Gimme Mick It's a floor wax, it's a dessert topping. Jake and Elwood Blues
Do You Remember? (Kid's Fare)
Grape Ape Speed Racer Fractured Fairy Tales The Banana Splits Schoolhouse Rock Fat Albert Slamo
Secret Squirrel Shazam and Isis New Zoo Review
Space Ghost Penelope Pitstop Tennessee Tuxedo The Archies
Top Cat Johnny Quest Magilla Gorilla Yogi Bear
Do You Remember? (Toys)
Viewmaster Etch-a-Sketch Ant Farm Barrel of Monkeys Twister
Rockem Sockem Robots Tinker Toys MouseTrap Ouija Boards
Chutes and Ladders Cootie Lincoln Logs Sea Monkeys Uno
Do You Remember? (TV)
Charlies' Angels Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman The Gong Show
The Man From Atlantis Mork and Mindy Love, American Style
Dark Shadows Marcus Welby, MD. Truth or Consequences
Soap 77 Sunset Strip Land of the Lost Grammarock Maude
Do You Remember? (Commercials)
I can't believe I ate the whole thing! L.S.M.F.T.
Where's the beef? Hey Mikey, he likes it!
Plop, plop, fizz,fizz, oh what a relief it is!
When it says Libbys, Libbys, Libbys on the
Label, Label, Label, You will Like it, Like it,
Like it On your Table, Table, Table! Sorry, Charley!
Ruffles have R-r-r-idges! Oh oh, Spaghettios
They're Gr-r-reat!! I'd like to buy the world a coke...
Ask any mermaid you happen to see Ho, Ho, Ho,
Green Giant! My dog's better than your dog
I guess I waxed a little nostalgic with this collection of memories. Are you like me and remember all of them? Were you touched by that Indian with the tear in his eye as the litter was tossed at his feet? Can you recite the PLedge of Allegiance? Did you ever get up to change the TV channel? Do you remember Quisp cereal? Could you name that tune in four notes? Have you ever had a Fudgesicle ? Did you ever watch Concentration? When you were a kid did you ever play spin the bottle or post office or try to pin the tail on the donkey? Remember that knight with the magic jousting pole...Stronger than dirt ? Those were the good old days, weren't they?

Saturday, May 28, 2005

What's Up With That?

English is Easy? So a 2 letter word has a hundred completely different meanings. So what is this stuff about English being easy? There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we ! wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call U! P our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At ot! her time s the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appeti! te, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, the word up, takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is ! used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so............. I'll shut UP >
( Note: I received this in an e-mail. I thought it was at least good enough to copy and paste for your edification.)

That's The Way It Was

Growing up in the fifties, it was a much simpler life that we endured. It wasn't exactly like Happy Days for sure, but we did have drive-in diners. Some of them had colorful and unique names, such as "Toot and Tellem" and "Chat and Chew." It was a special treat when Mom and Dad loaded the four of us kids into the back of that '49 Packard Clipper. The whole family going for a ride always meant there would be a stop at some wonderful place. Especially rewarding was those times we pulled into one of those happy havens of hamburgers and hot dogs. Now, we didn't worry or care about calories and cholesterol back then.
~ The four of us, my brother and two sisters, would be wide-eyed and out mouths would be watering as the girl on roller skates stopped at Dad's window. They large tray attached to the door held a veritable feast. Those golden onion rings and french fries gleamed like Blackbeard's treasure. That smorgasbord of gastronomical delights was unlike anything we had ever seen in our entire lives. That Schwynn bicycle and Red Ryder BB gun that Santa never left, were insignificant when compared to that mother lode on the tray before us.
~ What banquet would be complete without something to wash it down? There was an array of drinks running the gamut from NeHi grape and Royal Crown Cola to chocolate and vanilla milk shakes. Waiting in the wings, was the manna of all that was upon that massive tray. Of course, I'm referring to the desserts! As much as we relished the main course, in the end our goal was to be the first one to grab a piece of that apple pie or the strawberries and cream.
~ There was no rabbit food! We didn't eat salads in those days. Why would anyone want to take up valuable stomach space with lettuce? That prime real estate war reserved for seconds, which sometimes was a dilemma. Should you have another hot dog or hamburger, or go for another helping of the sweets? I often solved that perplexing problem by having both, one of each! After all, it was the survival of the fittest.
~ Satiated like a pride of lions at the carcass of a wildebeest, we would soon be in a purgatorial state of rest, not fully awake and not quite asleep. Mom had learned from past experience of this, that we had been dressed in our pajamas before we left the house. Back home, Mom happy that there was no mess in the kitchen to clean up, and Dad taking up residence in the only bathroom in the house, the four of us would settle in front of the television set.
~ We didn't have cable in those days, and as such there was not a lot of variety on the airwaves. In fact, in those days of its infancy, television had limited programming and was only on during the evening hours that we know as prime time today. The rest of the day, the only thing to be seen was a black and white target with an Indian head in front of it.
~ At the time, we were one of only a few families who actually owned a TV set. Many evenings we would host neighbors who wanted to see that modern miracle. A TV set was literally a piece of furniture in those days, ours about the size of a small chest-of-drawers. By today's standards, the viewing screen would be comparable to one of those 9-inch portable sets.
~ Waxing nostalgic, I can still remember Uncle Miltie entertaining us. Although I'm not sure we knew why at the time, but we laughed right along with our parents at his antics and those of his guests. That final image of the Texaco star signaled that it was time for bed.
~ And... That's the way it was!
No. 158

Friday, May 27, 2005

Stir Wars: Revenge of the Sift

time ago
...in a diner far, far away...In recent weeks here had been a great disturbance in the Forks. The old hermit from the hills who called himself Uncle Ben, said that it felt like acute heartburn. In a struggle for survival against the evil Empire of Franchises, the Republic of Family Diners faced an uncertain fate.
The Republic had turned its faith to a short order cook named Juke Cakewalker. Although it had been rumored he had been kidnapped by an Empire faction, the rebels knew he was safe. Somehow the Empire knew he was strong with the Forks. A lot had happened since Juke had mysteriously vanished. He had learned that Uncle Ben was actually one the legendary Jello Knights, in hiding since the Empire had gained control of the galaxy. It turned out that Ben was actually Order-Me-One-Cannoli, a Jello Master! Order-Me-One told Juke that they had to go to the Also-Ran System to rescue the Princess Lena Oregano. He added that he would train Juke in the ways of the Forks. Soon after they were in space hurtling toward Also-Ran. In a bar at the space port, they had hired a ship crewed by a renegade pilot Lawn Polo and his companion Chewtaco, a Cookie. While in hyper-space, Juke received some training in the Forks. Order-Me-One told Juke of his father, also once a Jello Knight. But Bananaskin Cakewalker had given in to market side of the Forks. Order-Me-One-Cannoli and Bananaskin had once been the best of friends. That was before Cakewalker embraced the evil side of the Forks. Finally Juke learned that his father was dead, consumed by the Forks. Against all odds, the foursome was successful in avoiding capture by the Storm Cookers, the soldiers of the Empire. They had located and rescued the Princess who had in her possession the schematic for a powerful Empire weapon. They had fought valiantly but were cornered in a hangar just short of Lawn Polo's ship, the Momentum Sparrow. Both Juke and Order-Me-One sensed something dark and cold. Order-Me-One told the others to get ready to board the ship while he created a diversion. No matter what happened, he told them, the Princess must be taken to safety. Out of the shadows stepped a dark imposing figure and between them stood Order-Me. Juke had heard of this evil Sift, the one known as Lord Charred Wafer. Suddenly two bright shafts of light emerged from the hilts of their electric knives. The very air crackled as the sabers of light clashed violently. As suddenly as the battle had begun, Wafer's weapon struck Cannoli, and it was over. All that remained was his cloak as Wafer poked at it on the deck. Somehow, Polo had piloted the Momentum Sparrow free and into hyper-space before the Empire's fighters could fire upon them. Later at the Rebel base on a small planet near the center of the galaxy, the Princess produced the plans for the Empire's new weapon. This weapon, the Bread Star was a planet killer and it was heavily armored. Scout ships had sent reports that the Bread Star was on a direct path to their location. Chewtaco discovered a tracking device on the hull of their ship. While escaping from the Empire, they had actually led them to the Rebel base. A battle ensued at a great loss of lives and ships, the Republic ships fought gallantly. Juke, in one of the fast z-wing fighters flew dizzily through a gauntlet of of the pretzel-wing Imperial fighters. Juke would later tell that he thought he heard Cannoli's voice in his head. Later he find out that he had been tapping into the Forks. He claimed that the voice guided him to aim his weapon accurately. He launched his Deli-Steak Bomb and saw it enter the vent port of the nuclear reactor that powered the Bread Star. He veered away at top speed away from the massive death ship. Following a series of smaller internal explosions, the Bread Star vanished, obliterated to atoms. As the rebels were leaving the base to rendezvous at another remote planet to re-establish a base of operations, Juke set course for another part of the galaxy. Guided by the Forks, he followed what seemed to be the astral coordinates of a small planet near the outer rim. With his trusty droid, R2RNot handling the flight, Juke placed himself into a trance-like state of sleep. Not sure why he had traveled to such a remote planet, Juke found himself face to face with great Jello Master named Yogurt. He learned that he was to be trained extensively in the ways of the Forks. Yogurt said that if he had the right stuff, Juke would become a Jello Knight. The training would not be easy Yogurt warned the young Cakewalker. The fate and hope of the Republic might someday be in his hands. Reading the vibrations within the Forks, Yogurt foresaw that one day, Juke Cakewalker would have to face Charred Wafer. Wafer, once a protege of Cannoli and Yogurt, had given in to the Market side of the Forks. He joined forces with evil Sift and was in part responsible for the Empire's stranglehold on the known galaxy. Most of the Jello Knights had been killed off. Yogurt and the remaining Jellos had disbursed throughout the galaxy and went into hiding. The small companies and businesses were failing before the might of the Fast Food chains. Yogurt knew that the Order of the Jello had to rebuild and gain in strength and numbers before they would be strong enough to rise up in rebellion. Something about that young Cakewalker was strong, the Forks seemed to embrace him. Yogurt sensed that Juke just might be the one Jello Knight who could save the Republic.
To be continued...Episode 2: "Stir Wars: Return of the Jello"

Thursday, May 26, 2005

WBLOG 77.7

This Radio WBLOG, 77.7 on your AM dial, coming to you with all the news that's fit to use. The Pointmeister here, live from the deck of the Ark. We are now in the fortieth straight day of rain which has become known as The Great Flood of '05. We at WBLOG have tried to keep you informed and entertained with up to date news coverage and of course, your favorite music. (" I'll do my cryin' in the rain... ")
~ We are currently moored to an iron cross rising from the murky waters upon which we have been drifting. We have been told that it is the cross that adorned the steeple of a church. Below us in the water I can see quite literally hundreds of rats thrashing about trying to get high and dry. A few hours earlier, we even saw some rodents swimming around.
~ Reports from across the country have stories of similar conditions in California, as well as the entire West Coast from Baja to Alaska. (" It never rains in Southern California.. ") One Los Angeles Wal Mart was said to be running a store-wide sale. Apparently any customers who show up wearing scuba gear are welcome to the "cash and float" sale. (" ..it pours, man it pours. ")
~ The Eastern seaboard is no less affected by the rising waters of The Great Flood. From Maine to the Florida Keys, flotillas of people are waiting out the rain. The most trendy of sailing vessels has been the roof tops of former houses. (" Rainy night in Georgia.. ") Several porches, laden with families, can be seen plowing through the flood waters by means of outboard motors.
~ Several cottage industries have sprung up to take advantage of the plight of the displaced populace. Among these are: We 'R' Raincoats, Kelly's Kayaks, and Mary's Floating Candles. One entrepreneur failed however, when he tried to sell bottled water from Belgium. (" Somewhere, beyond the sea.. ") Surprisinly, the sales of Ivory soap has reached an all-time low. According to a company spokesperson, their inventory...just floated away! (" Come on down to my boat, baby.. ")
~ In the entertainment world, although attendance has been down to a trickle, some theaters have fared well. To the amazement of many critics, Ishtar is the current top money maker with a sizeable lead over Lawrence of Arabia and The Desert Fox. Not faring so well, as would be expected, are the re-releases of Waterworld, Splash and Jaws. (" .. Could that someone be ... Mack the Knife? ")
~ Our award winning Weather Central at WBLOG, 77.7 on your AM dial, is confirming reports that the rains are stopping around the country. Our Doppler radar shows the clouds dissipating and this will continue around the nation. (" Here comes the sun ... ")
~ That concludes our coverage of The Great Flood of '05 somewhere above New England. We will now hand over the air waves to our sister station adrift somewhere over the Appalachian Mountains. Taking over will be that noted Mountaineer, Blue Dilly Dilly, coming to live on WHIZ. Check him out at http://bluedillydilly.blogspot.com and see if he answers the question "willy really whiz?"
~ You've been listening to "To the Point with Point" on WBLOG 77.7 AM. Good night folks!

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Singing in the Rain

The small ship rolled in the swelling waves as she turned into the wind. Her decks were inundated as the water crashed over the bow. ( " Ooh wee, ooh wee baby. Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise." ) She plowed through the surging sea off Cape Hatteras, desperate to reach port. If she took on too much more water she was in danger of sinking. ( " I'd like to be under the sea...in an octopuses garden.." )
~ Somewhere inland, the storm was no less daunting. Umbrellas turned inside out littered the streets like carcasses of giant spiders. ( " ...And I wonder, yes I wonder...Who'll stop the rain ?") Only those brave souls who had to be out braved the gale-force driven rain. Those on foot appeared to ne walking up hill, leaning into the wind trying to reach their destinations. ( " ..by the things she'll like to do ...like walking in the rain ")
~ If I have given the impression that we have been getting more than our fair share of rain in the Boston area, then my posting has been successful in conveying its message. ( " I saw her sitting in the rain...raindrops falling on her.. ")
I'm sure we will survive more rain, but just in case I have my scuba gear handy. But I do tend to get a little nervous when I see animals walking two by two. ( " You and me and the rain on the roof...") I just finished an article that said there had been a recent run on gopher wood at the local lumber yards. That flock of Canadian geese have taken a liking to that pond where my back yard used to be. (" Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain...telling me what a fool I've been..")
~ We've had five consecutive weekends with rain. I'm not bothering to count the week days because I don't want to take my shoes off! In fact, there has only been one weekend day that it didn't rain in the month of May. (" Raindrops keep fallin' on my head...")
~ With the death toll approaching fifty thousand, the earthworms had had little or no chance. My sump pump has been working overtime, the water table so high, that it has been regurgitating the same water pumped out only moments before. (" It must be raindrops, so many raindrops..falling from my eye..")
~ It is Tuesday evening and the forecast has continuing rain through Thursday. I've been carrying a bar of soap with me when I leave the house for work. I simply lather up on the way down the stairs, and I am rinsed off by the time I open my truck's door. (" Thunder only happens when it's raining.. ")
~ Between the hundred inches of snow this winter and all this rain since April, we can take solace in the fact that there should not be any water shortages this summer. (" Ah ..ah..Don't let the rain come down...cos my roof's got a hole in it ..and I might drown. ")
~ The last thing i want to do is to lead the people out there into thinking us New Englanders are crying over a little rain. No way! It would take a deluge to worry us. Uh oh, there go some more animals two by two, and they are swimming! What in the world...? Is that really an ark? If you'll excuse me, I'll see you in ..uh..forty-one days. Gotta run! Gotta boat to catch! (" You'll see some long necked geese, some humpty back camels and some chimpanzees; you'll see some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born..you ain't gonna see no Unicorn! " )
No. 155

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

A Double Life

I have found that leading a double life carries a lot of responsibilities. While the transition from one to the other and back isn't easy, it can be managed. In any event, the two lives represent separate existences. The two personae are like two ships passing in the night. There may be a brief passing exchange by the two, but there is no mergence of thoughts or exchange of ideas. For each is well aware of the other, possessing common memories.
~ There is the diurnal self, the stronger of the two, the most dominant. It is he who goes to work. It is he who pays the bills. His memories and experiences are assimilated, drawn upon by the alter ego. He is the one who deals with life head on.
~ The nocturnal self, on the other hand, is the brains of the outfit. He contemplates and summarizes the events and travails of the day. It is he who must absorb all that has happened in the past twelve hours. The lessons learned in the day are processed by him, imprinted for future reference. This part of me could well be called the Dark Knight, were it not that Batman had already been assigned that sobriquet.
~ I have learned that these personae can co-exist in this shell that is me. Mr. Diurnal lives the events, experiencing the trials and tribulations. My work, my leisure and my time with my family are quite simply elements of the plot. Mr. Nocturnal is the diarist who records and saves the drama for my personal prosperity.
~ Many of the blogs I post are a product of that partnership. Of course, there are certain liberties and exaggerations taken. I know this isn't Hollywood, but it is posted into a public domain. Without sugar candy is bland, and as such a blog must be sugar-coated from time to time. After all, this is the Blogoverse! The Blogoverse is bigger than us all.
~ It is within the nocturnal mode that I now reside. Earlier it was with pen and paper that this piece was spawned. Now with fingers playing upon a keyboard, I have committed it to screen. All that is left is to run the spell check, before I lastly engage publish. There is no bravado to embellish this action. One instant it stares back at me from the Compose screen, the next it is gone from view.
~ Call it hyper space or a worm hole, or think of it as a simple transferal of data, nonetheless the blog reappears as the latest entry on my site. In truth, it is our site! It is a public domain. Twenty four hours in the life of a blogger, this blogger is just another day when you lead a double life.

Rafting the Styx

Most of us, given prior warning, would avoid any situation hat would place us in harm's way. The same holds true for those instances that would pose complications to our daily routines. Of course there are those, such as soldiers, the police and firefighters who do not have that option. However, there are times that we find ourselves in those difficult positions without warning.
~ I found myself in such a spot just last week. Working in the field of elderly services, one of the jobs I do is to go shopping for those who are unable to do so for themselves. It was while on one of those shopping errands that I was in one of those so-called super super markets. It just so happened that day was senior citizens day. Glancing at the store's sales flyer, I was dismayed to see several of the items on my list were at greatly reduced prices. Not that the client didn't deserve a break on her grocery bill, but because of the ordeal I would have to face.
~ Send me to a filthy apartment armed with only a rag and a bottle of Mr. Clean! Ask me to clean out a refrigerator full of what used to be food! Strap me in a chair and force me to listen to Michael Bolton! I would rather go rafting on the river Styx!
~ It is no fun, I tell you from experience, to try to secure a package of split chicken breasts at 39 cents a pound amid a sea of gray-haired warriors. Dodging a gauntlet of elbows and canes, I did manage score my prize. With the aid of my superior height, I was able to reach over the heads of the startled elderly ladies and snag one of the treasures.
~ I dreaded my next stop. Hopefully most of the senior ladies were distracted at the chicken display, and would assure me of little or no resistance in the soup aisle. Alas, it was not meant to be, for even there a skirmish was in progress. Although the signs clearly said there was a limit of twelve cans, several of the carts were loaded far in excess of that number. Woe to the checkout clerk who would try to enforce that limit! Kicking and gouging, they groveled with each other to get at the shelves. Their carts unattended, it took me only a minute to retrieve the five cans of chicken noodle soup I needed.
~ It might have been a little underhanded of me, but I am certain those five cans were not missed. In any event, I was clear of the battle field checking my list for the next item. Oh no! Bran Flakes were on sale, 3 for a dollar! As I was turning the corner into the cereal aisle, I took a deep breath to re-enforce my resolve. Incredibly there was no crowd! Wouldn't you know it, the sale was for the 17 ounce boxes. There were none left. The pirannah had picked them clean. Woe to me if I didn't make it a point to get a rain check for those Bran Flakes!
~ Since I am writing this blog, it is obvious that I survived that ordeal. Bruised and scarred, I escaped with my scalp and I will live to shop another day. I once suggested to a manager that they should consider not putting those sales items in the flyers on senior citizens day. Those who did shop that day would be surprised and would take advantage. I told him he should at least think about it, if for no other reason but that there would be less bloodshed.
~ Yes, I have fought in the wars. I have survived deadly sieges. I have managed to shop on senior citizens days and lived to talk about it. Yes, I have even walked away from rafting the Styx!

Monday, May 23, 2005

Extra Innings

Yesterday was another washout, another day of activities that have to rescheduled. While the rain was intermittent, the field conditions dictated that the game could not be played. The tarp was laid out protecting the equipment. The lawn mower was idle in the bullpen. From the stands, my wife serving as General Manager, had me penciled in for some mop up-chores.
~ Under contract, I was compelled to fulfill obligations to the team. It was all well and good as I didn't relish sitting on the bench watching from the sidelines. Weather permitting, would be a double header tomorrow. It was too wet for any activities on the field, so I volunteered for the road trip.
~ She has accused me of being too sports-minded at times. She feels I spend too much time in front of televised games. Where does she get these ideas anyway? There it was, she had down on an 0-2 count with runners on second and third. So far, I had been hitless on the day, three times hitting weak grounders to the infielders. She'd made her pitch and I swung for the fences. "Nonsense," I said, "I only watch the Red Sox' games!" She'd hung a curve ball right in my wheel-house. As I circled the bases, I was hopeful that she wouldn't realize that the Sox play 162 games!
~ "Life can be like a ballgame," I told her. "It is easy to find sports cliches that can be applied to even the most mundane moments of a day. In fact, you could say that our discussion was an official's conference over a close play."
~ I had stolen the ball and was breaking all alone for a slam dunk! But somehow she caught me from behind and blocked the shot! This only goes to show you that you can't win them all. Indeed, it ain't over till it's over. I took solace in the fact that it isn't whether you win or lose, but how you play the game that counts. Competition fuels the spirit.
~ Although I didn't need to be reminded, she made note of the fact that it is a long season. One game does not a season make. I was struck in awe by the profound meaning of that fact. I didn't have to hit a home run. She didn't have to strike me out or block my shot. I might run an interception back for a touchdown, but I could always miss the extra point.
~ Life is like a competitive game in many ways. We don't need to dwell on set backs. We can take the ball and run, or we can settle back into a stifling defense. We can step back up to the plate after being brushed back by a high and inside fastball.
~ For the most part, my wife and I have always played on a level field. There is no home venue advantage. When all is said and done, we do play for the same team! There are no winners and there are no losers.
~ Hmm...I still have a chance to get back in this game. After all, it is Extra Innings!
No. 152

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Deja Vu All Over Again

Have you ever been in a place and you know you have never been there before? Well, that is Vuja De!
"Every day, people are straying from the church and going back to God." - (Lenny Bruce)
"The way you do the things you do, makes me want to do things in ways I shouldn't !" -(Pointmeister)
A poem I like: Fire and Ice
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if I had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say destruction in ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
- ( Robert Frost)
Words to use in a blog sometime:
  1. Evancalous - pleasant to embrace, huggable
  2. Gongoozler - an idle spectator
  3. Juste Milieu - a happy medium, judicious moderation
  4. Callipygian - having a beautiful behind
  5. Quotidian - occurring every day
  6. Quotinoctian - occurring every night

College Secret Language

A few current words used by college students at a small Junior College:

  1. Bombing Run - taking a crap
  2. Canned Heat - a warm beer
  3. Meal Ticket - steady date who does your homework
  4. Parking Lot - a promiscuous girl
  5. Technician - a student who knows how to cheat the vending machines
  6. Vanilla - a test to which you have the answers
  7. Harvest - a beer run
  8. Bumper Crop - a dorm room that has pizza and beer
  9. Drafting - having no clean underwear - thus wearing none
  10. Alienation - any place off campus

~ " The more wine you drink, the less likely you are to get it in your mouth." - ( Anonymous)

~Now, this Blog Deja Vu, a feeling that I've written this stuff before, but I know I haven't. Or is it Blog Vuja De? Maybe I think I haven't written it before, but I have! I suppose I could just delete it. Now why am I suddenly thinking I might have already deleted it before? But I know I didn't. I couldn't delete something I didn't write. There you have it, I am in a quagmire of uncertainty. Deja Vu all over again!



Saturday, May 21, 2005

The Stones Are Rolling

While the Boston Red Sox are on the road, their home will not be empty. Even as the World Champs are invading another park, Fenway Park will be hosting an invasion of its own. There will no peanuts or Cracker Jacks. There will be no batting practice. There will be no close plays in the infield. All of the action will take place in right-center field.
~ There will be some music and singing, but it won't be "take me out to the ballgame" that will be heard for two nights. Fenway Park will be rockin' and the fans will be rollin'. For the second time in two hundred thirty years, there will be British invasion of Boston.
~ The Rolling Stones will kick off a tour with two concerts held in the shadow of the Green Monster. This will be the third consecutive year that the Red Sox have opened their house for a concert. In 2003, Bruce Springsteen gave a memorable and well received show. The following year, saw the costumed partying Parrot-heads gather to see Jimmy Buffet.
~ The tickets for the Stones' concert went on sale and were sold out in only a few hours. At $45 for the cheapest and up to $453 a piece for the premium seats, this show was out of reach for a lot of fans. Rest assured, not many of them will bid for tickets on the internet being offered as high as $3500 a piece!
~ A man purchasing a pair of tickets for himself and a date will have to fork over $906! That is excluding drinks, dinner and parking. (I'm letting out a long and loud whistle.)
~ In an article in the May 16 Boston Globe, Joseph P. Kahn did some research to see what someone could spend $906 to purchase. He came up with an interesting list:
  1. 2 nights for two (air fare included) at the Wynn Las Vegas Hotel
  2. 4 shares of Google stock
  3. 50 months of Weight Watchers
  4. 1 box of Cohiba Espendio Cigars and a 1966 bottle of Dom Perignon Champagne
  5. 400 doses of Viagara
  6. 1 20 gigabyte iPod, plus every Rolling Stones' album downloaded onto it
  7. 6 front row Green Monster seats to a Red Sox-Yankees game ballpark franks for each
  8. 4 tickets to "The Lion King" on Broadway
  9. 2 Trek 2005 4500 Mountain bikes
  10. 4 Michelin high performance radial tires

~I also found a few things one could purchase for $906

  • 90 large supreme pizzas
  • 906 quick-pick lottery tickets - the day tickets went on sale, pot was $150 million
  • 1 1988 Nissan Pickup 4x4 (plus registration and first insurance installment with enough left over for a case of 12oz Michelob beer) two years ago I made such a purchase

~I suppose the high price for the tickets will help defray the fees for the case of Geritol and the EMT with the defibilator who stands by the ready behind Keith Richards. I'm not saying these guys are old, but they are practically antedeluvian. JFK was President when this band was forming. Boston pitcher Curt Schilling's father was playing baseball before the Stones crossed the Atlantic. It is said that Keith Richards was once mistaken as a member of the California Raisins.

~ While I am a fan of the Rolling Stones' music, I cannot be counted as one who would attend one of their concerts. Let me qualify that by stating I would have gone to see them back in the 60s and 70s, but not now! While some fans might not care that their voices crack and that they can no longer hit all the notes anymore, I do, sorry. I'll just be content listening to the original recordings. It is too bad that they cannot remix and remaster the concerts!

~ $906 for two tickets to see an over-the-hill band? No way! Not this person. I went over Kahn's list again to see what for what I would spend that sum. There is no doubt about it, nothing on the list could tempt or persuade me from taking the Michelin tires. To my buddy blue, (http://bluedillydilly.blogspot.com) no comments please about the 400 doses of Viagara!

~ Whoever it was that said a rolling stone gathers no moss, never took a good look at this crew! Hey, what can I say? They are still touring and still rolling in the money. They must be something right. Whether they gather moss or not, the green they are rolling in, gathers interest!



Friday, May 20, 2005

Watching Paint Dry

While vegging out last weekend, I was grateful for once that it was raining. With rain in the forecast for this coming weekend also, it will be five straight weeks that either Saturday or Sunday, or both will be washouts. It is easy to see why some people are miserable and testy. I must admit that all this rain is a bit much.
~ Last weekend I spent all day Saturday watching paint dry. I was hoping that this weekend I could do something a little more exciting, like maybe parking myself in a lawn chair and watch the cars rust!
~ In any event, there is plenty to do around the house. There is always something to do around a house, inside and out. If you are a home owner you know what I mean. However, there is one phenomenon in life that presents itself to the man of the house. I can walk through the rooms of the house and not see anything that might look amiss. My wife, on the other hand, can follow the same path that I took and add at least a half dozen items to the "Honey-Do" list! How does she do that?
~ How was I to know that a curtain rod bracket was loose? The darn thing was hidden behind the drapes! How was I to know that there was a slight leak in the drain pipe from the garbage disposal? That darn thing is under the kitchen sink! How was I supposed to know that the cats' litter box needed to be cleaned out? I had just cleaned it last Tuesday!
~ If there ever was an example of asexual procreation, it certainly is the dreaded "Honey-Do" list. It sometimes seems to grow expotentially. Ironically, I even made the holder for it! As she would describe it, it as a cute wood cutout of a claw hammer with words "Honey-Do" painted across the handle. Two removable wooden pegs to secure a pad of paper completed the &*#%ing project gone wrong. Little did I know then that she would actually put it use! You don't get to watch much paint dry when the list is not blank.
~ When the weather permits, the certainly are things to do outside also. I must admit the yard looks good after I've mowed the lawn, trimmed the hedges and pulled the weeds. More satisfying is to sit back in a lawn chair with a cold one after a couple of hours of yard work.
~ Like a Quality Control Supervisor, my wife chooses that time to come outside to survey the results. She never fails to amaze me, for as surely that the sky is blue, she spots two or three things that I might have missed. How does she do that?
~ The most insidious Honey-Do list of all is the oral one. Faced with such a list, attention is important, and they have to be done five minutes ago. Once enunciated, any debate over what was and what was not on the list is strictly a moot point.
~ With the yard work finished for a second time, I can still have an afternoon devoted to nothing else but watching the cars rust. You think? Suddenly there is a warning shot fired across the bow! She pulls out all the stops and unveils the "Honey-Ask" list!
~ For some, the milk carton has chosen that moment to become empty. The empty cellophane bag has spoken up to tell her we also need some bread. The trash can, which was empty when I began the yardwork, has somehow managed to fill itself to overflowing. (We really need to do something about those Poltergeist!)
~ This weekend, however, looks promising indeed. The yard is up to snuff, there is plenty of milk and bread, and it is supposed to rain again. Rain or shine, you have to love the weekends! Fortunately time is of no consequence to drying paint and rusting cars! If I am lucky, there might be sun one day and rain the other! I might have the chance to scientifically study paint and rust.
~ Maybe, just maybe, I'll pull out that jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. Then again, I do like to live on the edge; I could always play some solitaire with a deck of 51!

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Hello Reader, Hello Blogger

( With appologies to Allan Sherman)
Hello readah, hello bloggah,
It feels like my brain's a pinata.
Writers' block is very paining
And I still can't think of anything that's entertaining.
I went surfing, I used Ask Jeeves.
Found nothing, now I am peeved.
Wanted something new, a real winner.
Now that I've found it, I think I'll post it after dinner.
All the journalists hate the bloggers,
And the Web is full of us cloggers.
And all you readahs want no sissies,
So I post something that reads a lot like Joyce's Ulysses.
Now, I won't short change ya,
And I surely won't estrange ya.
Read it, I hope you won't pity it,
And hopefully I won't come across as an idiot!
Read my blog, oh readah, bloggah.
Read my blog, don't hit this pinata!
Don't leave my site in a big huff
And I promise I won't post it in the buff!
Read my blog, I promise I won't make it too long
Or spell too many words wrong.
Oh, please don't make me cower.
I've been here ... ONE WHOLE HOUR.
Dearest bloggah, wonderful readah,
Please don't make me into a pleadah.
Read my blog, coz I am at an impasse,
And if you don't like it, then you can kiss my ass!
Wait a minute ... Outside it's storming!
The words are flowing ... Thoughts are forming.
Going to post it and run it up the flagstaff.
Readah, bloggah, kindly ignore the previous paragraph!
The above is sung to the tune of "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah (A Letter From Camp)" by Allan Sherman. I have parodied it with respect for the original song and for Allan Sherman, one of the great Novelty song writers.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005


I suppose I could have just left the title line blank rather than follow form and function. As it stands, by placing "Untitled" there, I have in effect given this posting a title anyway. Regardless of the effort to stay within the confines of writing etiquette, I am confounded by an occasional bump in the road such as this.
~ Does a title merit more importance than the content over which it holds sway? If a subject is untitled, must it follow that the subject matter must therefore be themeless? Perhaps a topic can be so interesting and informative that no title could be justifiably applied. On the other hand, the insignificance of a theme and its banality, might better equate to anonymity.
~ If a piece of writing is titled, then the body of the text should, to a degree reflect that title. The author can ebb and flow without being accused of being quaquaversive. An untitled piece has no such restrictions. Indeed, an untitled article can drift from one theme to another without rhyme or reason. Fragmented thoughts can be committed to screen, whether the meld or not, as long as they flow fluidly.
~ Suppose for a moment, that I had assigned a title and then left the body blank. Is it possible that it would convey as much and make as much sense as what you are now reading? This exercise is leading up to a new concept in blogging. It will be an example of grandiose authoring if ever there was one! This unique form of posting will be tantamount to no other. There will be no title. There will be no body of text. Are you ready for this? There will be no author mentioned either. That's right, not even a URL will be present.
~ The whole blogosphere could be turned upside down!

Take A Deep Breath

You've probably seen and maybe used beer bongs. You have probably witnessed and perhaps have partaken of belly shots. It seems that inevitably, there is a new creative way to ingest alcohol. What ever happened to glasses and mugs? Hasn't anyone lately tried drinking straight from the bottle or the can?
~ Just when you thought it was safe from experimenting with new ways to imbibe, lo and behold someone comes out with AWOL! Now you can try inhaling your spirit of choice. That's right, I said inhaling.!
~ The AWOL (Alcohol Without Liquid) is a machine that vaporizes liquor or beer into a breathable mist. Spirit Partners, Ltd., the company manufacturing it hails it as the "ultimate party toy." Originating in England, leave it to the Limeys, the device looks like a crack pipe attached to a hookah. The company says it delivers a buzz with fewer calories.
~ As health conscious as a lot of Americans are, the AWOL appears to be a potential gold mine. Don't plan your parties yet. So far only a few hundred have been sold on this side of the Big Pond. Lawmakers from New York to Alabama are trying to shut it down. They are considering legislating bills to ban or at least to regulate the machine. A U.S. Representative from Colorado introduced legislation to subject the AWOL to FDA scrutiny.
~ One bar owner, Steve Baskinger of New Jersey, bought one of the devices but quickly returned it. He said that the lawmakers are wasting their time. "It didn't do anything except burn our throats," he said. "The biggest high you get is from hyperventilating...Wouldn't you rather just do shots with your friends?"
~ Perhaps the manufacturer should have left the acronym within the military ranks. Maybe AWAY would have worked better when they decided to export it to the states; Alcohol Without A Yank!
No. 146

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Dangerous Weapon

( I see a Jay Leno joke here, just waiting to be written!)
In an unnamed community north of Boston, the State of Massachusetts Appeals Court upheld an Essex County judge's Feb. 2001 summary in a bizarre case known as "John Doe vs. Mary Moe." In that case, the judge had ruled that a North Shore man who suffered a fractured penis while making love, could not sue his partner for recklessness because they were engaged in consensual sex.
( Here, Leno might say: "Well maybe there should have been at least a "stiff fine.")
From the court's four-page ruling, reporter John Strahinich was able to reconstruct the events of the story. The couple was engaged in sex early on the morning of Sept.14,1994. "John" was lying on his back with "Mary" sitting astride him.
( Leno might say: "She had the best seat in the house.")
Apparently for purposes of penetration and stimulation, the woman unlocked her legs and placed her feet on either side of his stomach. While attempting this maneuver, she landed awkwardly upon him causing a "penile fracture." The injury required emergency surgery followed by a considerable period of recovery.
( Leno could say here: "I'll bet it was a "lengthy" recovery.")
Since, the man has allegedly suffered "sexual dysfunction" that has not responded to medication or counseling. He then filed suit against his partner for "negligent sexual intercourse." Judge Thomas Billings dismissed the case as cited above in Feb. 2001.
( Leno might offer up this: "I guess the judge was up-front with his ruling.")
Yesterday, May16,2005, the appellate court upheld that decision. In its statement the court said, "One cannot as a matter of public policy, consent to becoming a victim of an assault and battery by means of a dangerous weapon in the course of a sexual relationship."
( Leno could close his jokes with: "I think the judge was referring to an "assault with a dead weapon.")
Speaking of jokes, I am reminded of one relevant to the above story that I heard several years ago. It seems that a man was involved in a motorcycle accident. As a result of the accident, the man's penis was severely mangled. After surgery the doctor applied splints to it in order to prevent further injury while it was healing.
~ It so happened that shortly afterwards he was to get married. After the festivities of the wedding, the bride and groom were finally alone in their hotel room. Slowly undressing, his new wife removed her bra and said, "See these breasts. Until tonight they have never been seen or touched by a man." When removing her panties she added, "See this vagina. Until this night it has never been seen or touched by a man."
~ Not to be outdone, the groom promptly removed his briefs and said proudly, "See this penis. Not only has it not been seen or touched by a woman, it is still in the original case!"
( Finis)


Flossed And Found

For years the dentists of America have preached the importance of proper dental care. They have stressed flossing and rinsing subsequent to brushing. They have not reached as many people as they would wish. Recently there was much talk about flossing, indeed the talk exceeded their expectations. What they had failed to accomplish over the years, was brought about by a certain convict in just one night.
~ A prisoner in West Virginia took the subject of floss to a new level. However, it wasn't in the exercising of good dental hygiene that had everyone talking about floss. The toothbrush has long been a prop used in novels and films, but now it is floss that has the center stage.
~ Apparently the prisoner had been saving the floss he had been provided for some time. It seems that he managed twist the floss, an a manner not intended by dentists, fashioning it into a rope. Using that rope, he was able to escape from the facility.
~ Meanwhile, two independent studies found that rinsing for thirty seconds twice a day with an antiseptic mouthwash, such as Listerine, was just as effective as flossing in the reduction of plaque and gingivitis between the teeth. The results of those studies appeared in the recent Journal Of The American Dental Association.
~ Leading dentists countered that while the results may very well be accurate, a combination of brushing, rinsing, and flossing is still the best method to insure healthy teeth. Having said that, they also said that flossing was effective in removing food debris between the teeth often missed by brushing and rinsing.
~ Known by housewives and crafters alike, there are a lot of uses for the waxed string other than as a dentifrice, and of course as escape ropes. A list of alternative uses follow:
  • Stringing beads
  • Stringing popcorn and cranberries for holiday decoration
  • Repairing necklaces
  • Kite flying
  • Training plants
  • Sewing large buttons on coats
  • Hanging light-weight pictures
  • Cutting cheese
  • Slicing cake
  • Cutting rolls of dough
  • Removing photographs from a magnetic photo album

In one form or another, the above list has appeared in many sources such as "Better Homes and Garden" and "Ladys Home Journal. I suspect that hints from Martha Stewarts Better Living magazine or program has provided a similar list. (It is curious that Stewart was also imprisoned in West Virginia.)

~ Thanks to one escapee, there is now another use for floss! It appears that the American Dental Association and the penal system of West Virginia have a new common department to manage - Flossed And Found!



Monday, May 16, 2005

Daily Constitutional

There is that one time that we desire privacy. We crave, no demand uncontested solitude. It is a time for cleansing of the soul, so to speak. Unfettered, free to contemplate, I am better able to solve the world's economical problems. Ah, the solution to thirty-two across finally popped into my head! Who knew that "futhork" is a runic language? Neither escaping me nor inspiring me, was the fact that I still hadn't gotten around to recaulking the bath tub.
Any library, such as mine as an example, needs reading material. Mine is usually well stocked. On most days there will be available such titles as Readers Digest, People, TV Guide, and of course The National Enquirer. One needs to be relaxed when there is, pardon the pun, a load on one's mind. While entertaining and educational, the Enquirer is also practical. Have you ever discovered too late that the roll is empty? Not to worry, the solution is at hand. One page sacrificed is one's dignity preserved!
I wouldn't be surprised if Einstein was in his "fortress of solitude" when E=MC squared was formulated in his brain. Perhaps Adam was deep in contemplation when Eve handed him the apple. I always thought that James Joyce must have been under some duress when he wrote "Ulysses."
Nonetheless, the Daily Constitutional jump starts the populace. One less burden is one less problem to work out. From the confines of that personal "office" today are spawned the solutions of tomorrow! Over burdened? Sit down and think it over, let it out, and take a load off your shoulders. Whether solving the Times' crossword puzzle, reading about Brad and Jennifer, or just relieving the pressure upon and within us, we need to take that daily respite. By discharging any pressure, we can take charge of our minds as well as our bodies.
No matter what you call it, making a bombing run, working out, losing a pound or two, or fertilizing the drains, I know that the end result is rewarding.
Now, if you will excuse me please, it is time for my Daily Constitutional!
(If you like anal retentive writing check out:http://bluedillydilly.blogspot.com)
No. 143

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Don't Feed the Animals


It seems that everyone in the Entertainment Industry, particularly television, is enamored with lists lately. For Mothers Day, TV Land had its list of the top TV moms.* TV Guide had its list of the top TV cars.** Discovery Animal Planet (http://animal.discovery.com) is the latest of the list makers, with its 50 Greatest TV Animals. I was only able to see the second half of the program, and as such can only mention numbers twenty-five counting down to one. I suppose it shouldn't be surprising that dogs dominated the list, being represented by ten stars. The list includes live and animated animals and a mechanical one.

  • 25. Woody Woodpecker
  • 24. the Shaggy Dog (teenager Tommy Kirk changes into a talking dog)
  • 23. Mr. Bigglesworth (From Austin Powers films, Dr. Evil's cat, real name Ted Nugent)
  • 22. Willy (the Orca from Free Willy)
  • 21. Podel & Perdia (adult dogs in the live version of 101 Dalmations)
  • 20. Tyrannosaurus Rex (from Jurassic Park)
  • 19. Puffy (the little dog in Something About Mary)
  • 18. Wilbur (the pig in Charlotte's Web)
  • 17. Donkey (in Shrek - voiced by Eddie Murphy)
  • 16. Scratch (the squirrel like creature in Ice Age)
  • 15. Flipper
  • 14. Rin Tin Tin (the original German Shepherd was a WWII decorated canine)
  • 13. Scooby Doo (the name comes from lyrics of Frank Sinatra's "Strangers in the Night")
  • 12. Stewart Little (CGI mouse, voiced by Michael J. Fox)
  • 11. Kermit T. Frog (the T stands for "the")
  • 10. Beethoven (a St. Bernard)
  • 09. Old Yeller (I'll bet you cried too!)
  • 08. King Kong (60+years and it is still a classic)
  • 07. Benji (was also Mr. Higginson on "Petticoat Junction")
  • 06. Babe (the piglet from the film of the same name)
  • 05. Bruce (the mechanical shark of "Jaws")
  • 04. Lassie
  • 03. Bugs Bunny
  • 02. Mickey Mouse
  • 01. Toto (Dorothy Gale's dog from "The Wizard of Oz" - a Cairn Terrier, its real name was Terry, and also appeared as Rags in the film "Bright Eyes" with Shirley Temple)

You probably won't agree to their rankings, I certainly don't, but their rankings aren't gospel. The program is airing again tonight, Sunday 5/15, at 8PM EST, on the Animal Planet. I'll watch to satisfy my curiosity as to what animals are ranked 50 through 26. There are some obvious animal stars missing from the above list such as Eddie from "Kramer" and a horse of course, Mr. Ed.

*(see blog nbr. 130, "Mama Mia") **(see blog nbr. 91 "Cartography")

No. 142


Saturday, May 14, 2005

A Blog a Day Keeps the Proctor Away

I feel compelled to make at least one posting everyday. By and large I have been successful, with only a few days having passed without a post. Those that have been posted for posting sake are hardly worthy of praise. More times than not, I err on the side of quantity rather than quality. Oh well, so sue me!
Just a Thought!
If it's true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then surely consuming a whole can of prunes must keep the Proctologist away! (Like I said, just a thought.)
Blonde Is As Blonde Does
Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson came up with an answer to "How many blondes does it take to read a menu?" According to Anderson, Miss Hilton threw a temper tantrum the last time the two dined together. She yelled, "I hate reading! Someone tell me what's on the menu!" Pamela refused her request. Apparently if Paris couldn't pronounce it, she wasn't about to eat it.
Movie On Up!
Coming to a theater near you: Those Daisy Duke cut-offs look pretty good on Jessica Simpson in The Dukes of Hazzard movie due out on Aug. 5. But I think General Lee was the best actor on the set.
~ On July 22, Billy Bob Thorton tries to coach a new batch of Bad News Bears. If the language is anything like Bad Santa, the kids will have to wait for the DVD before they can see it.
~ How's this for a catchy film title, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants ? From the book of the same name, it is to be released on June 1.
~ You gotta be kidding me! Cedric the Entertainer as The Honeymooners' Ralph Kramden? Give me a grenade... Pow! Right to the moon!
Remake This!
Seeing the trailer for Monster-in-Law, I was struck with an epiphany! If they are going to continue the trend of remaking movies, why not update Barbarella ? I do believe Jennifer Lopez could also make a blind angel fly.
I just like the words in the Spookie Daly Pride song Personal Ad Song , and here are some of them: I'm not very handsome, I don't like to shower, I'm not into dancing, I won't bring you flowers...My apartment's disgusting, I never clean it, I'm not into dusting, it makes me sneeze, And I hate long walks along the beach, So if you're looking for a romance, Well, I ain't that, So don't answer this personal ad.
~ Hey, if MTV and ESPN likes this band, who I am not to like them also?
Silence of the Clams!
That's enough for now. Litigation pending, I've contracted my lawyer, so sue away! For now I have posted for today, if only to post for posting sake, and now it is time to clam up!