Saturday, August 29, 2009

Ted, We Knew You Too Well

Friends, bloggers and readers, lend me your ears eyes; I come to bury Kennedy, not to praise him.

I'm no native son of New England, or of its hub, Boston, but I've spent two-thirds of my life calling it home. In those forty-odd years I've viewed the region with my own, if not unique, perspective.

I chose to open this prosaic essay by taking literary license in satirizing and borrowing from Shakespearean literature. The line, of course, is from the well known soliloquy of Marc Antony, his eulogy for the slain Julius Caesar.

Senator Edward M. Kennedy (1932-2009) was not an emperor, but he was the surviving patriarchal monarch of New England's pseudo-royalty. He was not slain by assassins, as were his two brothers before him, but he fell to a no less nefarious killer.

From where I sit, I'm compelled to speculate that in no other city or region are politics and political ambitions held with such esteem that they eclipse family, friends, religion and woefully so, even honor. I don't know to whom the adage "there is no honor among thieves" can be correctly attributed, but I think the author was misquoted and must have been referring to politicians.
The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones ...
Had I been born in New England, or if I shared a Yankee sentimentality, I would probably take exception to the above, the next line of Marc Antony's speech being used here. I was not and I do not! Inasmuch, I will take the liberty to amend it to reflect my own sentiments:
The good that Teddy did lives after him; the evil will be interred with his bones.
If you have perceived my amendment above as praise, then you have missed my point altogether. It's like this, in New England a beloved politician, especially a Kennedy can do no wrong. What you might call a wrong or even a sin, from Boston to Cape Cod it will be sugar-coated as an unfortunate and forgivable mistake.

It will be with no stretch of the imagination for me to say that if you or I, or any other less wealthy or less privileged individual for that matter, had driven that car off the bridge at Chappaquiddick, we would have ended up behind bars. If we weren't sill there, we would've surely been incarcerated for a very long time. If not convicted of vehicular homicide, we would have been in the very least sentenced for manslaughter.

He was indicted, but not convicted. In spite of not trying to free a trapped passenger, in spite of leaving the scene of the accident and in spite of not reporting the accident, he was nonetheless reelected to his Senate seat by the people of Massachusetts. His evil, Chappaquiddick, will be interred with his bones.

My four decades in New England have not given me any insight into understanding the blind devotion showered upon its politicians. Most perplexing is the love affair with the Kennedy royalty.

I'll leave this topic with one final thought. Had America's most famous and beloved humorist, Will Rogers, been born and raised in New England, the following may well have been one of his most quoted lines:
I never met a man I didn't step on.
The Lion of the Senate has ceased his mighty roar!


Thursday, August 27, 2009

Pooh Floats

"Reprinted from "Contrary by Popular Belief" by Joey Green (Broadway Books), with permission. Copyright 2005 by Joey Green. For a copy of the book, go to this Amazon link.

"When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school, It's a wonder I can think at all ..."
-Paul Simon (Kodachrome)

A Thursday staple at this site, this feature explores the myriad of untruths and the misinformation we were taught in our history and science classes. It would appear that our teachers were shoveling out a lot of POOH!

I have discovered that there is quite a bit of the POOH floating around ...

{ Quaker Oats Are Not Made by Quakers }

In 1887, Henry D. Seymour, one of the founders of a new American oatmeal milling company, came across an article on the Quakers in an encyclopedia. He was struck by the similarity between the religious group's qualities and the image he desired for oatmeal.

Another story suggests that Seymour's partner, William Heston, a descendant of Quakers, was walking in Cincinnati one day and saw a picture of William Penn. Like his partner, he was struck by the similarities.

In either case, their oatmeal which is packaged in the now-famous cardboard canister has nothing to do with Quakers.

{ The Caspian Sea is Not a Sea }

The Caspian Sea is the largest inland body of water in the world, but it is not a sea. It is in fact, a salt lake.

A sea is a body of water connected to the ocean, like for example, the Mediterranean, the Caribbean and the Arabian seas.

The Caspian Sea, while it is nearly the size of the state of California, is completely surrounded by land, which by definition makes it a lake.

{ No Ocean Water Flows Into the Panama Canal }

The Panama Canal sits approximately 85 feet above sea level.

The water in the Panama Canal is fresh water which flows from streams and lakes into Gatin Lake, formed by a dam on the Chagres River.

Fresh water flows out of the canal into the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans.

The Gatun Locks, a set of water-filled chambers, lift ships entering from the Atlantic. The Miraflores Locks and the Pedro Miguel Locks lift ships that enter from the Pacific.

{ Chop Suey Was Not Invented in China }

Chop suey actually originated in the United States.

One story states that a Chinese cook in a California mining camp made a stew of leftovers and called it 'chop suey.' The term was a phonetic transliteration of the Cantonese phrase tsa sui, which meant "miscellaneous bits."

Another version of the dish's origin maintains that in 1896 in New York City, one of Chinese ambassador Li Hung-chang's three chefs cooked up the dish to appease both the American and Chinese tastes of his guests.

No matter which story is accurate, the fact remains that chop suey is as American as apple pie!

...Oops! Apple pie isn't American! (That's a subject for another Thursday Pooh post.)


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Whatta Ya Think ?

-1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

-2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

-3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

-4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys & apes?

-5. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

-6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman "where's the Self-help section?". She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

-7. What if there were no hypothetical questions.

-8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap.

-9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly with no wings, be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put braille on drive-through bank machines.

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the little mermaid wear an algaebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

28, If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called 'hem-orrhoids' instead of 'assteroids?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Letting the Joke Out of the Poke

Advice For a Pilot

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby ... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."


Show me Your License!

A guy orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits a blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens.

So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts.

She immediately decks him!

He is laying on the floor moaning, "Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?"

"Duh," says the blond, "He has a licker license."


The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her literary class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote, "Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?"


Attention Getter

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

She seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. ""Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to talk to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," said the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across his lips and slyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth, allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say?

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room."


New Math

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.

He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition."

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction."

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.

And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication."

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.

He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"


Disgrace Is A Matter of Perspective

There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."


Getting Older

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.


Thursday, August 20, 2009

Pooh Stinks in a Rose Bed Too

"Reprinted from "Contrary by Popular Belief" by Joey Green (Broadway Books), with permission. Copyright 2005 by Joey Green. For a copy of the book, go to this Amazon link.

As revealed in previous posts in this series, most people would be surprised just how much of our written history is nothing but a bunch of ... well ... POOH!

Some of the facts we've been taught reek so bad, not even a bouquet of roses can provide relief for the olfactory senses.

So be careful where you step and you may want to use some clothes pins because some of these are real stinkers!

{ Dungarees Did Not Originate in America }

Dungaree cloth was developed in Dungri, India, a suburb of then Bombay, as early as the 17th century. Denim, also developed in the 17th century, originated in Nimes, France. Called serge de Nimes in Europe, the name was pronounced as denim in the U.S.

In the 1860s, a Jewish tailor named levi Strauss, who had been making overalls from canvas for miners in California's gold rush, switched to denim, dyeing the fabric indigo blue to hide stains and making the sturdy pants even more popular.

{ Never Never Land is a Real Place }

Never Never Land is Australian slang for the Australian outback. Visitors to those vast, desolate regions vowed "never never" to return.

Depicted in the 1908 book We of the Never never, by Mrs. Aeneas Gunn, the outback southeast of Darwin became known as Never Never Land.

Peter Pan, the play by James M. Barrie, opened in London in 1904 and followed Peter's adventures in Neverland (not Never Never Land). The 1911 book version (originally titled Peter and Wendy) and Walt Disney's 1953 animated movie Peter Pan also refer to Neverland.

People have come to incorrectly use the names "Neverland" and "Never Never Land" interchangeably.

(Any reference to a certain ranch owned by a certain low-life scumbag child molester has been omitted to respectively honor his passing.)

{ Camels Do Not Store Water in Their Humps }

Camels, known by the nomadic desert dwelling bedoins as the ship of the desert, do not have a reservoir for liquids in their hump. The hump is a food reserve made up primarily of fat.

By storing most of its body fat in the hump, the camel can lose heat freely from the rest of its body without having to perspire much, thus conserving water.

A camel can go for days or even months without water because they retain ureaa and do not start sweating until their body temperatures reach 115 degrees Farenheit.

{ The Statue of Liberty is Not in New York City }

The Statue of Liberty actually stands in New Jersey on Bedloe's Island, which was renamed Liberty Island in 1956.

Although the island sits in New York Harbor, it is within Jersey City's waters. An 1834 compact with the State of New Jersey gives the State of New York control over the island.

Sales tax charged on the island and state income taxes paid by the families who live there go to the State of New York. A Jersey City power company provides the power to the island.

(The above POOH was "borrowed" from the Random House publication "Contrary to Popular Belief" by Joey Green.)


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

E = MC ²

Cletis Clyde on Quantum Physics

I wuz jest a-watchin' one of dem educatory shows what s'posed to be fer learnin' folks 'bout thangs what theys don't know a lick 'bout. I figgered it cain't hurt none too much to be a-learnin' new stuff.

Aw shucks, wait a sec! Before the man upstairs be a-fixin' to throw lightnin' down at ol' Cletis, I reckon I might as well fess up and be tru'ful and all. Fact is I was a-flippin' through them channels lookin' fer the Hooters Beauty Contest what I heared 'bout from my cuzzin Clem. Dang iffin I could find it, but I kept on a-lookin' fer a spell.

That wuz when I landed on the Learnin' Sta'shun what I wuz jest a-watchin'. There on the pitcher tube I saw big letters what said Supernovas. Hot dawg, I hollered when I seen it. Well sir, I done got so excited I darned near pissed my drawers!

Y'all prolly cain't figger what I got so excited 'bout. Well, it jest so happens I knows all 'bout Supernovas! Next thing, y'all be askin' hows I knows so much 'bout Supernovas, ain't that right? Well, it's like this - I done seen me lots of them up close and personal like.

The best one I ever seen wuz cherry red. It wuz a 1968 Chevy Nova Super Sport. The feller what owned it took out the 396 enjun what come standard with it and dropped in a 427 cubic inch enjun. Well, bust my britches, but with a M20 4-speed stick on the floor, that car could turn 425 horses whilst a-burnin' rubber prac'ly a-standin' still.

So anyways, I went and fetched me a cold 16-ounce can of Pabst Blue Ribbon and settled my self in my recliner snug as a bug in rug so could I see what theys wuz gonna say about Supernovas.

Gawd a'mighty, y'all ain't gonna believe what they wuz a-talkin' 'bout instead. They was a-talkin' about Comets! It wuz s'posed to be a show 'bout Supernovas and they wuz gonna talk 'bout Comets? Well, anybody what knows a lick about cars, knows that them Comets was pieces of crap!

Y'all ain't gonna believe what they wuz a showin' next. God as my judge, theys wuz showin' stuff 'bout stars and such! No, not stars like Molly Ringworm and Tiny Tim! They wuz a showin' stars and meters, y'all knows, the stuff what's up there in space.

I wuz gittin' skepacle thinkin' they wuz gonna try to say that theys done went and launched a Chevy Nova Super Sport out yonder in space. They must think people a watchin' are indignorant or somethin'. Ain't no ways theys gonna launch a car up there. And what fer? So's them asternuts can drive em to that space station? Like that space station is a fillin' station fer gasoline! Ha!

I decided to keep on a-watchin fer a bit. Aw hells bells, truth is I couldn't figger out where I laid down the durn clickin' remote. Anyways, it didn't look like theys wuz gonna talk 'bout Supernovas a-tall, coz they kept on ramblin' on 'bout stuff up yonder in outer space like stars and meters.

They did talk a bit 'bout somethin' that s'prised me to no end. I had to sit up and pay 'tenshun when they started on 'bout black holes. I wuz a thinkin' that a lot a people would be a-callin' in complainin' madder than hell. That sta'shun what I wuz a-watchin' wuz s'posed to be fer family viewin'. Well, I reckon they must a-figgered that out, coz theys made no more mention 'bout the world's oldest way fer women to be makin' money. Good thing too, coz that is adultery stuff and not intended fer the youngens.

Next thing I knows, they wuz a spoutin' off 'bout time travel and iffin it wuz possible iffin one wuz to travel faster than the speed of light. Hells bells! What in tarnation is wrong with the people what put that show on? Anybody wiffin half a brain knows you cain't outrun light!

You don't believe me? Well, iffin you get yer head outta yer butt and pay ten-shun to me, I will proof it so's you can be a-learnin' a bit 'bout quantum fizzics. Jest you try this spearmint at home. First you put yer finger on a light switch on the wall in yer bedroom. You followin' me so far? Then you flip the switch to the off position and try to run like hell and jump into bed before the light goes out! It cain't be done!

Anyways, as I wuz a sayin', they wuz a speck'alatin' that iffin somebody wuz to travel faster than light that theys could travel back in time. Hogwash, right? Then they says that anybody what went back in time would be in danger of causin' paradoxes. I cain't figger why theys worried 'bout two of them. It seems to me one could cause only one dox.

Again I digest. The next thing I knows, they wuz a talkin' bout what would happen if you went back in time and shot and killed yer grandpa before he got a chance to knock up yer grandma. If that wuz to happen, then yer mudder or yer fodder dependin' on which side of the family yer talkin' would'nt be born. Now iffin they wuzn't born, then they couldn't have kids and that would mean you wouldn't be born neither.

I scratched my crotch and then I scratched my head givin' all that kind of thinkin' some time to sink in. Well, I snapped my fingers coz I had a tiffany. Tarnation, it ain't possible. The way I figgers it, iffin I wuzn't born back then, I wouldn't be here now so's I could go back in the first place to prevent me from bein' here now. Of course, iffin I accomplished all that, how in the hell would I get back?

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I have proof what hogwash all that kind of talk is. You see my grandma wuzn't knocked up by my grandpa, coz she was a cheatin' on him wiffin a Fuller Brush salesman what nobody knows the name of.

It's like this, folks, iffin I went back and shot my grandpa there's nothing that would happen with those doxes theys worried 'bout. Grandma would have a baby what grandpa wuz a thinkin' wuz his even if I wuz to shoot him dead.

Y'all need more proof that none of that would mess wiffin the space-time condominium? Now don't go tellin' my mudder that I spilled this, but my fodder ain't the man what got my mudder pregnant wiffin me!

So take it from me, all that science stuff they wuz a-talkin' on 'bout like E=MC² and Supernovas ain't nothin' but a whole lotta crap! Watch South Park and the Simpsons. At least that's stuff I knows ain't made up.


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Sex Times the Fun

Q: Is it wrong to have sex before you're married?
A: Only if it makes you late for the ceremony.

Letter To An Advice Column In the Future:
If some someone has sex with his clone, is it masturbation or incest?

A man told his blonde girlfriend that sex might be more exciting if she got a Brazilian.
Now she's sleeping with a guy named Paulo.

To help weather the international financial crisis, husbands are saving money by having sex with their wives.
□ □ □ □

A new guy in town was chatting with his neighbor when they saw two women walking toward them.

"Shit," the new guy said. "Here comes my wife, and she's with the woman I've just starting screwing on the side. I'd better hide."

"Damn," the neighbor said, "You took the words right out of my mouth."

□ □ □ □

"You used to be the life of the party in the old days," reminisced one buddy to another. "Does your wife still find you entertaining after seven years of marriage?"

"No," answered the other, "She hasn't caught me."

□ □ □ □

A man bought a woman a couple of drinks in a bar and asked if she would like to go to his apartment to continue talking.

"Sure," she replied, "but it won't lead to anything."

When they entered his apartment she reminded him, "Don't waste your time with any fancy moves."

"Hey, what do you think I am?" he said. "I'm not looking for a one-night stand. I want you for my wife."

"Great," she said. "What time will she be home?"

□ □ □ □

A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope! I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."

His wife said, "Thank you."

□ □ □ □

Two business men were sitting in a bar and one was complaining about his new live-in girlfriend.

"I'm telling you," the first said, "I've had it with her. She keeps bring her work home night after night. I'm really considering ending the relationship. I can't take it anymore!"

"Well," the second man said, "I can see how that would be annoying. But having a girl who's interested in her career isn't a reason to break up."

The first man replied, "It is if your girlfriend's a hooker."

□ □ □ □


Sunday, August 16, 2009

And On the Sabbath, We Laughed

Buffy's Western Trip

Prior to her trip to The South West, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip..

1. She wanted to taste some real Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!"

"And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

(Stolen from Miss Cellania )

Market research

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she replied candidly.

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all, my husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Indian head dress

While touring an Indian reservation in North Dakota filming a documentary, Barbara Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the head dresses.

So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his head dress.

His reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave.

This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women. Two women,two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a head dress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.

She asked the Chief,"Why do you have so many feathers in your head dress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, and tall, me sleep with 'em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile!"

The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any sleep with 'em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

(Previous two jokes Stolen from Phils Phun )


Saturday, August 15, 2009

They Think It During Sex

You are in heaven! You are getting laid! At long last, you're having sex! Your limbs are intertwined with those of your partner. Your every thrust is met with equal force by your partner ...

And then ... horrors! You begin wondering what your partner is thinking while you are in the act. Then you begin thinking if they are wondering what you are thinking ...

Soon the two of you are thinking about:

Things They're Thinking While They’re Having Sex With You:

■ I hope she doesn't think I'm staying the night.

■ I hope I don’t cry afterward.

■ When we're done, will it hurt if I chew my arm off?

■ I hope he doesn’t ask me to say his name because I already forgot it.

■ I hope I don’t fart.

■ Did she just fart?!

■ What the f**k is he doing?

■ Is this car still in drive?

■ Why are you choking me?

■ Is that a camera?

■ Why am I f**king you?

■ Did I leave the stove on?

■ What color should I paint my room?

■ I wonder if she notices my titties bouncing as hard as hers?

■ I wonder if he heard me say Mike's name?

■ Why would he think *that* feels good?

■ I wish he’d move his head so I could see the TV.

■ Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

■ Well this is disappointing.

■ Please don’t keep trying to kiss me.

■ Who the f**k is Mike?

■ Stop screaming or you’ll wake my parents up.

■ I hope he doesn't think he's spending the night.

■ I should have just bought new batteries.

■ Hmm…her right one is bigger than the left.

■ If he asks me one more time if its big enough I'm gonna tell him the truth.

■ Does she always cry this much?

■ Why is she listening to her iPod now?

■ It looked better in his gym shorts.

■ It's been a good 20 minutes. Time to fake a small orgasm.

■ Did I push “record”?


■ If another drop of your sweat hits me in my face, it’s over.

■ They need to stop playing all these STD commercials.

■ I can do this all day as long as she just doesn't turn around.

■ Please stop talking to me.

■ My ex was better.

■ His sister was better.

■ His electric toothbrush was better.

■ I could be watching "The Golden Girls" right now.

■ Beautiful. This is really scratching my rash.

■ That’s not me, dude. That’s the pillow.

■ Did I just orgasm or pee? Either way he seemed impressed.

■ I wonder if he takes his socks off to shower.

■ Pretending to be asleep didn't get him off of me.

■ I could play connect the dots with the pimples on his ass!

■ Betty said he was good, I only assumed she meant in bed.

■ Wait! Did she ...? Yes, she actually moved!

■ I wish he'd waited until I removed my pantie hose.

■ Did he ask me if was good for me too ... already?


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Smokin' Pooh

"Reprinted from "Contrary by Popular Belief" by Joey Green (Broadway Books), with permission. Copyright 2005 by Joey Green. For a copy of the book, go to this Amazon link.

"Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching." - Oscar Wilde

It's Thursday and that means it's time to take another look at some of the pooh we have been taught and led to believe over the years.

This feature explores the myriad of untruths and the misinformation we were taught in our history and science classes. It would appear that our teachers were shoveling out a lot of POOH!

{ Eggs Benedict Not Named After Benedict Arnold }

Eggs Benedict was named after socialite Samuel Benedict. Suffering from a hangover one morning in 1894, he asked the maitre d' in NYC's Waldorf-Astoria Hotel for bacon and poached eggs on toast with Hollandiase sauce.

The maitre d' substituted ham for the bacon and an English muffin for the toast, thus creating a new breakfast sensation.

Benedict Arnold, the most famous traitor in American history, never ate Eggs Benedict. He died in 1801, ninety-three years before the dish was invented.

{ Big Ben Is Not London's Clock Tower }

Big Ben is the name of the largest bell in the clock tower in the building occupied by the Houses of Parliament in London.

The thirteen-ton bell, installed in 1859, was named after Sir Benjamin Hall, the commissioner of works at the time.

He was a tall, stout man and his nickname was Big Ben.

The official name of the clock tower is the "Clock Tower."

{ Eating Carrots Does Not Improve Your Eyesight }

Carrots contain carotene which is good source of Vitamin A. A deficiency of vitamin A can damage the body's epithelial tissues.

Such deficiencies inhibit the manufacture of the retinal pigment rhodopsin and decreases the ability to see in dim light. The human body can use only a limited amount of Vitamin A and flushes the excess from the system.

Eating carrots will not improve your eyesight, but doing so can help prevent damage to your epithelial tissues.

{ Panama Hats Don't Come From Panama }

Panama hats originated in the town of Jipijapa in Ecuador. They were woven from the leaves of the Carludovica palmata tree.

Few Panamanians wear Panama hats.

The hats received their name during the 1800s, when Panama became a hub for shipping the hats from Ecuador to other countries. So hats off to Ecuador!

(The above POOH was "borrowed" from the Random House publication "Contrary to Popular Belief" by Joey Green.)


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Spare Me !

Bowling's Dark Beginnings

Few people could ever imagine the historic link between the Guillotine and the popular sport of bowling.

Get prepared for a "heads up" (pardon the pun) on bowling's dark beginnings.

This Blogger got curious about the sport of bowling. This curiosity, you might say, got stuck in my head.

To be honest, it was the cartoon at the left (by George Booth) that planted an epiphany that there just might be a connection between the Guillotine and the earliest known forms of a sport that evolved into today's bowling.

Many references cite the English game of Skittles as an early form of bowling. I'm skeptical of that link, because I fail to see how modern bowling could have possibly been derived from a candy resembling "m&ms" without the "m's." (As you see, I've used my head while putting this post together.

That English game shares it ancestry with an outdoor lawn game known as "bowls," which in turn dates back to other forms of bowling as far back as ca. 3300 BCE in ancient Egypt.

What's That on the Ground ... a Head?

Popularized by Heads of State during the French Revolution, the guillotine was used as a "humane" way of executing criminals and enemies of the French government and the monarchy. The condemned became known as head cases.

Initially, in order to make a statement, French officials forced the families and friends of those to be executed to gather to watch the heads roll. Probably out of morbid curiosity, people began to voluntarily show up for the executions.

These public executions would become beneficial for the economy and were a source of employment for some of the peasants. Carpenters were needed to build the frames of the guillotines. Blacksmiths were in demand for their skills of forging the blades for the devices. Then there was the position of the executioner himself! Although plying their trade in anonymity with hoods over their heads, these men came to be known as headbangers.

In time huge crowds were known to show up for these public executions. Ironically, watching people lose their heads had become a spectator sport. Not passing up on a chance to make a buck franc, high ranking French officials began to charge admission for the events. Tickets not having been yet invented, there arose a need to keep track of the gate receipts. This was solved by hiring individuals to record the number of attendees by a method known as the head count.

At times there would be multiple executions and families would gather to spend an afternoon at the beheadings, which in time would come to be known as headers. (The first time two people were executed on the same day was important because it was the first known instance of a double header.)

Soon lists of the condemned were being published several days before the scheduled executions. Ranked by the severity of their crimes, those at the top of the lists became known as headliners.

In later years the fear of this form of capital punishment would result in fewer and fewer crimes against the state. Eventually the people began to lose interest in these public executions by the guillotine. Seeing a decline in attendance officials began to sentence people for lesser crimes. Even innocent people were being arrested just so the officials could get ahead.

In order to hold public interest and to keep gate receipts at profitable levels, new variations of the executions had to be developed. One heady idea was to use a basket, but this was scrapped until many centuries later when a man named Naismith would use the basket as a target for a thrown ball.

Then someone got the idea to elevate the guillotine above a sloped ramp called a headway. The head would then be allowed to roll down the ramp until it struck a vertical wooden wall called the headboard. It wasn't long before it came evident that the crowds would find this version to be boring. One solution was to dig a large hole in the ground somewhere beyond the end of the ramp, the object being for the head to fall into the cup. (The Scotch found this interesting and would one day incorporate a hole in the ground to a game that would one day be known as golf.)

One fateful day, just for laughs, someone placed ten wooden pins at the end of the headway, which would later be known as an alley. The crowds loved watching the heads strike the pins! They began to wager amongst themselves as to how many pins would be felled. Of course in time they front pin became known as the headpin.

Centuries later the guillotine would be phased out and no longer used and several games inspired by the beheadings survived and evolved into the sports and games that we know today - in particular bowling!

One further thought: The Scots while perfecting their game of golf benefitted from their government using miniature guillotines. These devices were used as a form of punishment for male adulterers. The severed objects were for a while used as pink balls to driven by makeshift clubs known as ballbusters. In time the golfers would use the term to refer to their wives who objected to their love of the game of golf.

After reading this post, you readers are probably thinking, "Oh please, spare me!" - ...Or ... - "Off with his head!"

№ 1764

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Missile-aneous Bombs

Casting the First Stone

Before going for a few days to her mother's, the jealous wife took her ten-year old son aside, gave him chocolate and told him, "Keep an eye on your father and the maid and let me know what they do."

On her return, she asked her son if there was anything to report. The son nodded.

She dragged the boy before her husband and said, " You cheat. I got you this time. Son, now tell us what you saw dad do with the maid."

"The same as you do with the milkman when dad is away," replied the innocent son.

Woman Attacked by Killer Guitar


Animated Gifs

Boobs Come In Twos


She Thought She Was the Star

Animated Gifs


Sleeping Blog

It was a long hot humid and tiring day ...

I'm diving into bed early tonight!

Good Night All!

(Cartoon by George Booth)


Saturday, August 08, 2009

Obama Mia !

I find it interesting, although not surprising, that most comedians have taken the low road when it comes to using our President as subject matter of their jokes. It's almost as if he's been declared "persona non jokis". (Don't believe me? Just try Googling to find to find some good funny jokes rendered at the expense of our present Commander-in-Chief!)

Even good "stand-alone" caricatures are at a premium! Are the cartoonists afraid to poke some fun at the current tenant at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave?

Fortunately, the editorial cartoonists have not sold out! Just like Presidents of the past, these guys know that anyone who sits in the Oval Office is fair game.

Then ... lastly and not to be forgotten or overlooked ... there are the BLOGGERS! Bloggers pull no punches. Bloggers are not afraid to tell it like it is. Bloggers are not afraid to express their opinions.

Some members of the press stopped shaking in their boots long enough to label Obama's recent meeting with Sgt. Crowley and Prof. Gates as a "Beer Summit." Other members of the press chose to suggest what brand of beer, befitting each man's personality, was going to be served.

This Blogger is prepared to go where other Bloggers did not venture. I'll report on some of the events that occurred before, during and after that beer fest on the White House lawn that they chose to ignore. They had their reasons. I have mine. :O}

Before I start - Here's an editorial cartoon that's also a joke! (Good stuff!)

It took the group (Obama, Gates, Crowley and Biden) only 45 minutes to sing all of the stanzas of "99 Bottles of Beer".

Crowley and Gates got into a fist fight: each shouting respectively, "Tastes Great!" and "Less Filling!"

Although not in the best of health, Senator Ted Kennedy said he wouldn't come to the party unless he was named the designated driver.

Congress members have refused to meet with the President in the future unless he makes it a kegger!

Bill Clinton refused to attend because there was not going to be a wet tee-shirt contest for entertainment.
Meanwhile, Bill Clinton was busy raising the bar for the Mile High Club membership qualifications on a recent flight from North Korea.
It was discovered halfway through their beers that the President's first name sounds just like a loud beer belch. ( Ba-raaaack!)

Somewhat buzzed on his non-alcoholic beer, Vice President Biden modified the genre of well known insult jokes by inventing "Your Obama" jokes.
His best one: "Your Obama is so dumb he thinks peanuts come from castrated peacocks." (I'm still laughing over that one.) ;O}
The beer summit got off to a rocky start when Professor Gates cited his favorite line from the movie "Blazing Saddles," by shouting, "Where the white women at?"

That overweight truck driver for the Miller Brewing Company showed up to confiscate all the Miller Lite Beer by announcing, "You can't have a common-sense beer in a place where there's no common sense."

After the beer summit reporters gathered to ask the President about some of his apparently lesser important issues, such as his Health Care bill, the war in Iraq and North Korea's nuclear weapons.

One reporter asked about his appointment of Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court.
He claimed that she was not the choice he wanted and that they didn't understand what he said.

"I was eating a hot dog at the time, and I like to sing that jingle when I eat wieners. I'd like to be an Oscar Meyer wiener ... that's what I'd like to be."

The reporter looked stumped and said, "What?"

Said the President, "With my mouth full it must have sounded like, 'I'd like it to be Sotomayor ...I seen her ... that's who I'd like it to be.' "
There you have it! This is one Blogger who's not afraid it lay it on the line!


Thursday, August 06, 2009

More Pooh We've Been Taught

"Reprinted from "Contrary by Popular Belief" by Joey Green (Broadway Books), with permission. Copyright 2005 by Joey Green. For a copy of the book, go to this Amazon link.

"When I think back on all the crap I learned in high school, It's a wonder I can think at all ..."
-Paul Simon (Kodachrome)

This feature explores the myriad of untruths and the misinformation we were taught in our history and science classes. It would appear that our teachers were shoveling out a lot of POOH!

Maybe we should give our teachers a break because they were only passing on what had been taught them ...

{ Humphrey Bogart Was Not Model For Gerber Baby }

Although Humphrey Bogart's mother was a commercial artist, Gerber baby foods were introduced in 1928, twenty-nine years after Bogey's birth.

In 1928, the Gerber company invited a number of artists to submit illustrations for its first advertising campaign. Artist Dorothy Hope Smith submitted a small, unfinished charcoal sketch of Ann Turner, the baby of a neighbor. That sketch was adopted as Gerber's official trademark in 1931.

The original charcoal sketch of the Gerber Baby is kept under glass in the company vault.

{ Washington Never Threw Silver Dollar Across the Potomac }

As a boy, born in 1732, George Washington lived at Ferry Farm, Virginia, on the Rappahannock River (not the Potomac). At that time the U.S. dollar did not exist and the American colonists used British currency.

The dollar did not become the basic unit of money in the United States until 1792, and the first U.S. silver coin was minted two years later, five years before his death in 1799.

He may well have thrown a Spanish silver dollar across the Rappahannock River, which was only about three hundred feet wide. Had Washington actually attempted to throw a U.S. silver dollar across the Potomac River from his home at Mount Vernon, his toss would have come up short. At Mount Vernon, the Potomac River is more than a mile wide.

{ Nero Did Not Fiddle As Rome Burned }

The violin was not developed in Italy until 1,500 years after Nero's death.

When the fire started in Rome in 64 B.C., Nero was thirty-five miles away in his villa at Antium. Nero may have played the lyre, but he definitely did not fiddle.

{ Maine Not Easternmost State }

Alaska is not only the westernmost of the U.S. states, but it is also the easternmost.

Some of Alaska's Aleutian Islands (the Rat Islands and the New Islands) lie west of the 180th meridian. The 180th meridian is the recognized dividing line between the Eastern and Western Hemispheres.

(The above POOH was "borrowed" from the Random House publication "Contrary to Popular Belief" by Joey Green.)

№ 1758

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Something Borrowed Stolen

I "borrowed" this from John. Of course, I took some liberty and I changed his home state Texas references to those of the state of West Virginia from where I originally hailed.

Balance, Sayeth the Lord

God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, “and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, pointed to a land area and said, "What's that?"

"That's the State of West Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful rivers, mountains, streams, lakes, forests, and hills. The people from the State of West Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about Balance, God? You said there would be Balance."

God smiled, "There's Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"

I "borrowed" this one from Mushy.

Gennaro's New Shoes

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'

Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'

Gennaro gasps, ‘Thanka God...I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

I "borrowed" the cartoon from Mushy too. :o}

Obama's Dictionary

Word of the Day - Summit

Can I have summit?