Monday, February 21, 2005

I Didn't Mean To Say What I Meant

~ Have you ever said something and wish you hadn't? Did you mean one thing, but it came out wrong? Of course you have! We all have. There is the classic Catch-22 question that a wife or girl friend will eventually ask a man. All things being equal, there is no safe answer to: "Does this make me look fat?" It is impossible to get a pass on this epitaph hidden in a question, "No dear, it looks good on you." On the surface this answer appears safe enough. That is until you hear her response: "Oh? That means all my other clothes make me look fat?"
~ You are now between the proverbial rock and a hard place. You are face with tiptoeing through a mine field. You are about to run the gauntlet. You first defense, of course is to answer, "No. None of your clothes make you look fat!" Whew! You escaped unscathed. "Oh, so I look fat with no clothes on?"
~ The ice is thin and the cracks are spreading in all directions. You have painted yourself into a corner. You are thinking furiously now, the gears are grinding. Brilliantly you come up with perfect defense, indeed a sack in the backfield. "Would you rather I had said, yes it does make you look fat?"
~ Thinking you are home free, it is you who is tackled for a loss. "So that's the way it is, isn't it? You do think I'm fat!" You are dazed, helpless as she storms out of the room.
~ You are now in no man's land. You have one foot in your mouth and chewing vigorously. What in the world just happened? There is definitely a need for some damage control. Do you let time do the healing? Not if you want supper! Or is time for some reconstructive surgery?
~ Is it time for the secret weapon? Or should you settle for the heavy artillery? The secret weapon of course, is the bribe disguised as a peace offering. You must weigh the options. Flowers? Candy? A movie? Offer to take her out to that new restaurant? You decide however, that the secret weapon will be used only as a last resort.
~ It is decided then that you will deploy the heavy artillery. So, in the heat of the battle, you charge right through the heavily barricaded portal to the bed room where she has been entrenched since the hostilities began.
~ Keeping her pinned down, you fire a couple of salvos across the bow. "Honey, you do not look fat in any of your clothes! You do not look fat naked!" So far so good. She is listening. "In fact, when you have clothes on, I just want to rip them off of you! And when you are naked, I just want to rip off my own clothes!"
~ "Well, maybe I overacted," she says.
~ You are on a roll now. "In fact I feel like ripping your clothes of right now!" you proudly announce. To accent the positive, you hurriedly remove your clothing. Like Teddy Roosevelt at San Juan you charge in her direction.
~ BANG! There is an explosion! "Is that all you ever think of? You think that's the answer to everything?" She barges past you, making good a hasty retreat, leaving you at half-mast.
~ You played your trump, but she held the Ace! Oh, there will be an eventual truce. The skirmish will be forgotten. You'll have to get dressed and unleash the secret weapon. Which one do use first? The flowers? The candy? The movie? Or the dinner? You can only hope that you don't have to use them all!
~ (Sigh!) I didn't mean to say what I meant. What I meant to say, wasn't said. I meant to say that I didn't mean it. I'm so confused at what I did say meant. Did I say something mean? If so, it's not what I meant. I'm not sure now what I said meant.
~ And I mean it!
~No. 46
The master of saying the right thing at the right time, blue offers the secret weapon before they start a conversation. See for yourself at:

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