Briefs In The News

*
Michael Jackson showed up late for court again. If that wasn't enough to further rile the judge, he was wearing the Scarecrow costume from "The Wiz." As he sashayed to his seat singing "Ease on Down The Road," the judge began banging his gavel furiously and shouted, "That performance is almost as bad as the one in the movie." This may have been the final straw to test the judge's patience.
*
It was announced earlier today that Terry Shaivo's mother was granted custodianship of the Pope's feeding tube. She was quoted as saying, "I am experienced in this type of case, and I promise he will live a long and productive life. Even a vegetable has rights."
*
In still another attempt to be reinstated into baseball, Pete Rose was again denied by the Hall of Fame committee. He was confident that he would be successful this time around. When asked how the committee could be certain his gambling problems were over, Rose calmly said, "I'll give you 2 to 1 that I am clean."
*
It was learned today that Vatican officials have decided to release the prepared notes that the Pontiff was to use on Easter morning mass. Since he was unable to hold the service, his prepared notes had been tossed in a trash can.
It was noticed that several pages were missing. Fearing they that may be printed by some member of the press, the Pope's secretary decided to make the notes available. The bulk of the notes was comprised of Polish jokes.
*
Appearing as a guest of Regis and Kelly, Kirstie Allie made quite a splash. The chair she was sitting in collapsed as all four legs snapped from the sudden weight. Both hosts began lamenting about the damage to the set. A rope and pulley finally righted the former Cheers actress. Suspended by the rope, Kirstie announced that she had just signed a major contract with Tasty Kreme donuts. She will be the official spokesperson as well as the senior taster.
*
Okay, you guessed it! APRIL FOOLS!
*
NO.92