Say It Ain't So, Scooby Doo

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Earlier today, the world of animation was thrown into wide spread turmoil. Not since the infamous scandal involving Mr. Magoo and Porky Pig, has the cartoon industry been subjected to such close scrutiny. The controversy involving those two individuals also embroiled the artists and animators. On the heels of that came the sweeping changes that targeted violence and subject material of children's entertainment ever since.
~ To this day, Mr. Magoo has maintained it was all a big mistake. Because of his myopic vision, he had entered the wrong dressing room. He was supposed to have met a certain toon starlet, the identity of whom has never been revealed. As for Porky, he too said he was waiting for a certain unnamed character. Not wishing to draw attention to themselves, the two of them thinking they were with their expected date, soon found themselves in a most compromising pickle.
~ The uproar today, however, has nothing to do with trysts or relationships. As is often the case, this story has broken on the eve of the release of a tell-all-book. Rumors of its publication had been whispered about for several months. Not unlike the Jose Canseco book which threatened to confirm the suspected use of steroids in baseball, this novel too would cast a shadow. There was a rumor that afterwards, Pepi le Pew was seen outside the dressing room door holding a rather large bouquet of flowers.
~ Long suspected as a user of banned substances, Bluto has come clean on his use of performance enhancers. Like Canseco, he too has decided to name names and take others down with him. In the book he claims to have administered steroids to his long-time screen nemesis, Popeye the Sailor! In fact, he claims they were injecting each other in the bathroom stalls at the studio.
~ Popeye vehemently denied the allegations of Bluto, claiming that he has at no time ever used performance enhancing chemicals. In his signature pose, he squeezed open a can of spinach and declared that the source of his strength came only from naturally grown greens. His pipe twirling angrily in his mouth, he said to the gathered press, "I yam what I yam! I'm Popeye the Sailor Man!" A toot-toot and puffs of smoke escaped from his pipe.
~ Sources in the lucrative cartoon business stood firm that they were not aware of any cartoon characters using illegal substances. They went on to say that a full scale investigation of their own had already been launched.
~ It was learned also that several other toons named in Bluto's book had retained legal counsel. Among those hiring attorneys were Foghorn Leghorn, Underdog and Mighty Mouse. Once the pall of suspicion had befallen Popeye, those with powers and brawn were cast immediately under the microscope. Besides the strong men, curious eyes also turned to the toons known for quickness. This group included Speedy Gonzalez, the Roadrunner and Sheriff Ricochet Rabbit.
~ Tennessee Tuxedo has volunteered to represent any toon free that might be unable to afford an attorney. Mr. Peabody with his boy Sherman, has offered to use the Way-Back Machine to return to any alleged dates of abuses. Tudor Turtle has also offered assistance, because with the aid of Mr. Wizard, he too could visit any date in the past.
~ There was also another breaking story with possible damaging consequences to the world of cartoons, though not as scandalous. There are rumors flying among the female characters also. It was not covered in his book, but Bluto was overheard saying that many of the girls had had plastic surgery and liposuction. Also several of them had been fitted with both buttocks and breast implants. They were not named specifically, but both Betty Boop and Jessica Rabbit have been long suspected of body enhancements. There have even been whispers about Tinker Bell!
~ Sheesh, isn't anything sacred anymore? If our American cartoons are going to be subjected to such controversy, one can only wonder when disparaging attacks are aimed at the characters of Japanese Anime. After all, those powers are not acquired naturally!
~ Perhaps like baseball, most of the troubles in Cartoon Land will be swept under the rug and soon forgotten. Say it ain't so, Scooby Doo!
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No.115