To: My family, My Physician, My Lawyer, My Friends, And All Others To Whom It May Concern
I, _______________________, being of sound mind and disposing mind and memory, do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my LIVING WILL. If the time comes when I can no longer take part in decisions of my own future, let this statement stand as an expression of my wishes and directions while I am of sound mind.
If I suddenly begin to take an unexplained turn for the worse, before any drastic or irreversible decisions are made, it is my desire that someone first make sure my attending physician is not Dr. Jack Kevorkian.
Should my attending medical personnel determine that an organ transplant is necessary, it is my expressed wish that, if at all possible, the baboon be of the same faith as myself.
If a kind soul takes it upon themselves to read aloud to me, it is my fervent wish, as it was during my non-incapacitated life, that they skip directly to the dirty parts of the book, and then read those passages over and over again.
It is my expressed want that no family member, friend or acquaintance shall enter my hospital room bearing one of those tacky "Get Well Soon" helium balloons. Likewise, any get well card sporting Garfield the cat shall immediately be returned to its sender.
I wish my TV set off whenever any "Reality" show is on.
If at all possible, I prefer "Depends" over "Serenity."
I would prefer that my visitors leave their small children home, if all the kids are going to do is stare at me and play with my toes.
At no time, even on the occasion of my birthday, do I yen to have a party hat placed on my head.
I wish to have at least once a week, even if it necessary to ingest by intravenous measures, a Steak Bomb.
While I am not morally or ethically opposed to to so-called "life sustaining equipment," I am vehemently opposed to the concept of hooking up such machinery to "The Clapper."
I agree to sponge baths only if given by a member of the opposite sex. Several members of the opposite sex at once is acceptable and, in fact, preferred. Ditto any therapeutic jacuzzis that may be prescribed.
It is my strong desire that in any and all elections that may take place, my absentee ballot will be marked for the individual running opposite Dan Quayle.
If in the unfortunate event, the time comes to donate my vital organs, it is my wish that in all donations a receipt be obtained, for tax purposes.
This statement is made after careful consideration and is in accordance with my strong convictions and beliefs. I want the wishes and directions here expressed carried out to the extent permitted by law.
In Witness Whereof, I have hereunto set my hand and seal to this instrument that is my BLOGGER'S LIVING WILL on this the_____ day of _____________ 20____.
(This "Living Will" originally appeared in an issue of Mad Magazine a few years ago and was reprinted in MAD XL #34 of July 2005. So I "borrowed" it and adapted it a tad for this posting.)