Monday, September 05, 2005
I was sitting in my chair and I was getting rather bored with the television. It was Labor Day and I had been watching Jerry Lewis' annual Telethon. While it is certainly a worthy cause, it is not always highly entertaining. To make matters worse they had switched from the national telecast to the local yokels. This year the proceeds from the pledges of the last three hours will be directed to victims of Hurricane Katrina. I applaud them for that generous offer.
....Anyway, so I began to click my remote. It's ironic, over 200 channels and yet I can usually find not a thing that interests me. Then I remembered that new channel - The Old Hoss Channel! While I don't begrudge Old Hoss from making a little scratch for his pile, I must say that he is producing some quality programming. Luckily I had just landed on the channel while they were announcing the new Fall schedule.
....At 6PM - The Secret of Crop Circles: Caught in the act, the perpetrators of a recent complex design in a Nebraska wheat field agree to be interviewed by Old Hoss himself. Prepare yourself for a surprise as the two step forward out of the shadows of mystery for this unique talk with Glorp and his twin sibling Gloph. For the first time the world will meet these little men from Alpha Centauri Prime.
....At 6:30 - Where Are They Now?: The 7 Dwarfs: Since Snow White married her Prince Charming, little is known about those she left behind. Old Hoss has learned that they had changed their names and are none other than the current Golf Pros who have been winning virtually every tournament on the PGA tour.
....Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful, Doc, Sleepy and Grumpy are now known as Slicey, Trappy, Bogey, Toppy, Mulligan, Hooky and ThreePutty respectively. Tune in as they explain why they turned to golf and gave up their lucrative mining business.
....Also, the Seven Dwarfs will talk about their life with Snow White and reveal what went on behind closed doors. In spite of a pending lawsuit by Snow White to block its publication, they will discuss their forthcoming book, The Cherry With Seven Dents. A spokesperson for Snow White said that the Princess has refused to be interviewed on the same program with those Seven Perverts.
....At 7PM - Lost Episodes - Bonanza: Only Hoss with his connections could come up with this obscure and thought to be lost episode of that classic Western program.
....In this story a wagon load of women gypsy nudists are rescued from the clutches of some lonely cattleman. The gratitude they bestow upon the Cartwrights leads to jealousy and rage among the residents of Virginia City. When the naked women are kidnapped from the Ponderosa, Ben and his sons head into town to save the ladies' virtues. The town folk and the viewers learn why Hoss and Little Joe were given those names. Old Hoss won't say if he is related in any way.
....At 8PM - The Women of the Catalog Casanova: Even the Pointmeister who discovered them was scooped by Old Hoss in this shocking look at the sex lives of women at the age of 80 and older. The ladies, when asked about Casanova's absence, said that they wore him out the night before the interview and he was unable to make it out of bed.
....The ladies slipped into nothing for their visit from Hoss and were quite charming said the host later. "Just because we are in our 80s," said Tillie using her breasts to hold her plate in place on the table, "Doesn't mean we aren't capable of wanting and enjoying sex." The host would not comment when she asked him if he had ever had Boobs A la Mode.
...."I must admit I was tempted to sample some when she spilled some right between them," he said after the interview. He said that Mary was a little shy but had a great body for her age. It was Tillie though who was bubbly and kept trying to hit on him.
....At 9PM - Dolls: Barbie Faces Reality: The makers of girls' dolls such as Barbie, have finally opened their eyes to the real world. Barbie has gotten a make over to reflect the times. Girls want their dolls to look like their mothers and sisters. They want them to be realistic even beyond anatomy. Due to hit the stores for the up-coming Christmas season "Trailer Park Trash Barbie" will make her debut along with "Crack Whore Barbie" and "Paris Hilton Barbie." Trailer Park Trash Barbie pictured here, comes knocked up with three infants, a cigarette in her mouth and a six pack of Budweiser.
....The action figures for boys will feature at least one 'real' figure when "G.I. Junkie Joe" is introduced also in time for the holidays.
....And at 10PM - Madonna's Accident - What Really Happened: The Material Girl's recent horse-riding accident had the Old Hoss Channel's crew trying to uncover just who was riding! It appears that camera film dropped off at a local pharmacy brings to question just who was saddled, and who was pulling Trigger.
....In an exclusive one on one with TOHC reporters, a ranch hand was quoted as saying, "It isn't her we are worried about. Trigger has been sufering from depression. Sometimes he just mutters over and over, 'She doesn't call ... She doesn't write." The ranchers say they are concerned because several of the stable mares are in season, but Trigger has been ignoring them. "He seems to have only one mare on his mind," said the foreman.
....Though unconfirmed, a nurse is said to have heard the famous entertainer muttering to herself, "He doesn't call ... He doesn't write."
....Stay tuned to The Old Hoss Channel for further developments.
Curmudgeon responsible for this post: Hale McKay at 7:18 PM