Thursday, September 29, 2005

Posterior Motives


A controversy is being revisited over at Hoss' Place! Does the toilet paper get configured so that is pulled over the top or from the bottom? Yes, dear reader, we do go high-brow at Blogspot.
We do wade into those waters where scholars fear to tread.

Before delving into such an ostentatious debate, let us consider Tess Smith's "over the top" use of toilet tissue at the recent Emmy Awards. Don't you just hate it when people use too much toilet paper? Where is a sudden gust of wind when you need it? Do you suppose she is using single or two-ply? What would happen if it were to rain? How many trees had to die for her wardrobe? Desperate Housewives; even they gotta go when they gotta go!

Perhaps a controversy in and of itself, I personally don't like the term toilet paper or it being abbreviated as TP. My preference is AW, which is short for Ass Wipe. We are talking semantics here, so I won't pursue pet names. You say TP, and I say AW.

Way to go, Hoss! Your posting was wrought with controversy! This debate is an old one. It ranks right up there with the old "egg or the chicken" arguments. Well, The Pointmeister has decided to take on both of these issues head on. I will resolve both of them.

First, I'll tackle the easy one. The answer has been right under the noses of all of you. It's a matter of physiology. Why, it is elementary, my dear bloggers. Which came first? Why the chicken of course! The chicken is fully developed, and as such has a fully developed reproductive system. The egg is and embryo, growing and developing. The egg can not come. The chicken can and obviously did. I rest my case.

The matter of the ass wipe (toilet paper) actually has a quite simple solution when you apply The Pointmeister's logic to the problem. You've heard of gravity, have you not? That once mysterious force referred to as gravity was also the subject of debate at one time. The Pointmeister set the scientific world straight on that one too. I had to break the news that there is no such thing as gravity, the world sucks! In any event, the configuration of the roll is determined by the planet's suction, or gravity if you insist on using that term. If you happen to live north of the equator, the paper follows the gravitational attraction and therefore must be pulled from the top. On the other hand, if you are south of the equator you must pull the paper up from the bottom. Why do you think they call Australia "the Land down under?" Because they pull the paper from under the roll.

One visitor to chime in on Hoss' posting, poopie may have inadvertently stirred up some more controversy. It seems that she has her AW sitting on a window ledge. While this does avoid the "top or bottom" issue, it raises another. What is the proper way to pull paper from the roll when it sits in a vertical position, to the left or the right? It would be easy to accept the obvious course and base it upon whether the user is left-handed or right-handed. Using the infallible logic of The Pointmeister, this solution seems too obvious and too trite. For now, this will be relegated to the study files.

The problem of right or left on vertical AW will be added to the growing list of mysteries to be solved. It will join such topics as: "Why does a steam iron have a permanent-press setting?" - "Why does Hawaii have an Interstate Highway?" - "What was the next best thing before sliced bread?" - "What if either or both Adam and Eve had been gay?" As you can see, The Pointmeister is indefatigable in his efforts to make blogging enjoyable and educational for everyone.

No.358

4 comments:

schnoodlepooh said...

So are you agreeing with me that the toilet paper should come from "down under" and when vertically placed, from the left side? That's my vote and I can sleep quite nicely at night knowing that my TP or AW will be properly aligned in the morning!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Far more worthy of study is this:

"What if God ISN'T willing, and the creeks DO rise"?

It bloggles the mind....

Timmy said...

Now thats somthing to ponder when on the can.

Karyn Lyndon said...

Why do they call them "apart"ments when they're all stuck together?