This here letter iz frum yer cuzin Bubba back in Copperhead Crick, Wes Viginnie. I thot I wud set out by tellin' yew who wuz a writin' now, so's ya wudn't haf ta wait fer the end of the letter down thar. I membered that chew cudn't never read none too fast, so's I took to writin' this real slow. That way yew can be keepin' up. S'cuse me, cuz fer takin' so long to commence to writin' again, but I had to haul ass out to the outhouse real quick-like, coz Maw done cooked up sum of those beans an' malasses, and damn ifin they ain't tryin' to vacate the primisses. She always said her beans wuz her stick-to-yer-bones victuals. Well cuz, now they's a stickin' to the sides of the bucket out back yonder.
....Since yer readin' this, I reckon ya dun cot up. Anyway I wuz a fixin' to run out back again, but I s'pose I can wait. There wuz no paper, so's I got my underwear flap open back there to let it air dry out. I wuzn't sure where to send this, coz I didn't know fer sure where you wuz at. So's I told ol' man Jackson the mailman to tell them fellers up Nawth to give it to the first ugly Hillbilly what done moved up yonder and iz tryin' to go foolin' people hez a Yank too. 'Magine you up there in yer Sunday bes' overalls all decked out with shoes and a necktie tryin' to be specificated.
....How wuz yer New Years, cuz? I reckon you ain't too fur nawth that it ain't still last year yet. I heared 'bout those time zones from readin' one of them picture books at the Liberry. "Sides I knowed about that sort of stuff already, ya know. I done went all the way to the fifth grade and part of the seventh - and it darn near took me nine years. So ya see, alls that book learnin' comes in right handy sumtimes.
....Well suh, sumbody up and invited me to a party on New years Eve. Guess what, cuz? I knows ya didn't guess right, so's I will tell ya right now. I put on my bes' overalls and I sure surprised Maw when I even scraped the clay mud off my clod hoppers. She wanted to know ifin I took a bath too. Well, I straighted her out on that one and said the invite tweren't fer a gol'dern weddin', it wuz jus' a New Year party. I knows she knowed that ya don't waste soap and water unless its a weddin' yer dressin' up fer. Darned if that party wuzn't at one of them one-star fancy hotels! I figgered them that wuz givin' this party musta been high falootin folks that spent all that money, coz they musta waited too long to make preservations at the hotels with no stars, or else the cheap places done let themselves run out of vagrancies.
....Well, one way or the udder, I shows up a lookin' spiffier than any redneck what's not 'tendin' a weddin' has a right to be. Yew shuda been seein' how everyone done stopped and stared when I cum walkin' in the lobby of the place. I paid 'em no mind and showed a man the piece of paper with my invite on it. He didn't seem too imprest with my Sunday bes', but seein' as I wuz wearin' a tie, he told me to "walk this way." I swear cuz, I'll be darned ifin he didn't look like he done crapped in his britches a judgin' by the way he walked all stiff-legged. I tried to stimulate the way he wuz a walkin' but my three tins of snuff in my one back pocket and my Bowie knife in the udder one made it right difficult to walk like him. But I managed to keep up with him, coz he wuz easier to track than a 'possum back up in the hollers.
....Bye an' bye I wuz a sittin' at a fancy table with a curtain or somethin' draped over it. They had all the forks and spoons on the wrong side of the plate, but I made no fuss coz they probly didn't know I wuz left handed. Next thing I know this skinny woman wuz standin' nex to me. Cuz, somebody must a made a mistake when they done dressed her. The neck of her dress was down so low I don't how her titties didn't fall out. Well, I watched fer a bit, but somehow they stayed in there. Other than that she was right kind and asked if I needed anything before the meal was to be brought to the tables.
....So I told her I would like a piece of ahs. Well, she sure looked mad at first, but calmed down right quick and said that she wasn't like that and neither was he hotel that kind of place. I knew my rights and told her that every decent place I ever ventured into always gave out a piece of ahs. Then she said that she would make a 'ception jus' fer me and asked me to follow her. I found it a little strange that she felt it took two people to get some ahs. I thot to myself that they sure kept the ahs a long ways frum the dining room, coz we took the elevator all the way up to the sixth floor. I guest it must a been colder up yonder. Then she took me into one of them hotel rooms. I ain't never been a hotel room before then and I wuz a lookin' all around and I'll be darned ifin I cud see nary any ahs.
....Cuz, you ain't gonna believe this, but she commenced to takin' off all her clothes until she wuz plum nekkid and then she told me to take off my clothes and get nekkid too. Well, what happened next, you ain't gonna find in any of them picture books back in the Liberry. Cuz, because I knows you been in a church at least one time, I won't tell you 'bout what happens when a body's parts get to mixing with anudder's body parts 'ceptin' to say we wuz ten toes up and nine toes down. (You mus' recall that my big toe wuz cut off under the lawn mower last summer.) And lawd, there sure wuz a lot of gruntin' and moanin' goin' on. "Tweren't her that wuz a gruntin' neither.
....I don't want to make you get all hot and a playin' with yerself in case you be in public somewhere whilst you read this, so I won't mention how many times she wanted to get all religious and missionary-like. Funny thing happened now I recall when I was gruntin', she kept sayin' "Bubba come. Bubba come." She said that over and over, and I said to her, "Lawd woman, I already did three times." Come to find out she wuz a chokin' on some bubbble gum she was chewin' on. "Magine, all the time she was sayin' "Bubble gum."
....After a fashion we came back downstairs and then we went back to the table where I wuz sittin' before. Then she asked me, "Will there be anything else, sir?" Well, I looked at her and said, "Well that was mighty nice. But where I come from they usually give us a piece of ahs in our drinks." I'm purty sure she musta been mad, coz she she just walked away in a huff. I swear till the day I be breathin' my last, I ain't no way gonna figger out women. In particular this woman I knowed there wuz no figgerin' out, coz when I wuz a leavin' I learned she cud turn bein' mad on and off. You see, she done followed me out the front door and then pinched me where I keep my tins of snuff. Well, I thot some ol' boy was tryin' to take my snuff.
....So I hauled off and hit him square on the nose. 'Ceptin' it wasn't a him. Damned it wuzn't her a playing grab ass with me. Bein' a gentleman I squatted down to see if she was okay. She was okay, it wuz jus' a broken nose. She asked why I hauled off and hit her. After I told her why, she said she wuz just gonna ask me if I wanted another piece of ahs. I helped her up and said it wuz mighty nice of her to offer, but I didn't need it coz I wasn't plannin' on havin' anudder drink. Well, like I said, this woman could turn being mad on and off. I wuz thinkin' 'bout askin' her if she wanted to go back up to that room for some more mixin' of body parts, but it sure seemed like all she wanted to do was to get me drunk.
....Well cuz, there ya have it. That is how my New Years transpired. I'm sure that bein' up there in the big city you musta had a hell of a lot better time than us back here in Copperhead Crick.
I'm not sure yew might not know which cuzin this is, that is why I wrote Bubba at the start of this letter. I will write it one more time so you can't forget.
(Readers, you want to see Spell Check go bonkers? Just try writing a piece using a vernacular.)