Saturday, January 14, 2006

You've Lost That Swinging Feeling

There must be fifty ways to leave your lover, fifty ways to leave your lover.. (Paul Simon)

Maybe we should be looking for 50 ways to please our lovers. (If not for Jane, Tarzan would have never learned his trademark yell while swinging through the jungle trees.) That's gotta hurt!

Jane and Tarzan were the original swingers. It is a little known fact that Tarzan was actually a Hillbilly during his informative years. He met Jane at a 4-H fair one summer. Jane was running a charity kissing booth. When our hero approached the booth he was instantly smitten. Jane was not impressed by the young man until he plopped down a $50 bill. Then it was love at first flick!

They worked hard over the years to keep their relationship successful. Jane knew that the way to Tarzan's heart was through his stomach, as well as through his "grape vine." She learned the fine art of redneck cooking and was able to take advantage of the abundant road kill that could be found in the elephant trails in the jungle. She even bought him one of those state-of-the-art redneck grills .


Whenever Jane would get into nasty moods, especially when he was out all night with his gorilla friends, Tarzan would buy her a gift certificate for one of those specialty gourmet diners.

She usually felt a lot better after getting pampered at the fancy restaurants, which would put her in the mood for some music at some hopping night club.

Then he would treat her to a concert featuring their favorite group. He would sing along to the song, "Easy To be Hard," and it would be all she could do to keep her hands away from his loin cloth.

In their later years, they eventually succumbed to modern conveniences. A cell phone made life easier for the apeman when he would call home if he was going to be out late with the ape guys. The addition of laptop computers made communication between the two a lot easier.

To enhance their sex life, Tarzan and Jane often came up with clever and inventive ways to keep their bedroom activities interesting and exciting. Because of his superior athletic abilities, Tarzan found that "Kiss My Nose" usually got the best responses from his wife.

Because of the openness of their jungle lifestyle, Jane and Tarzan had little difficulty teaching their kids about the mynah birds and the killer bees. Most of you are familiar with Boy, but few know of their daughter, Girl.

With their parent's open mating habits, the two kids grew up and had very healthy sexual relationships with their future partners.

If your relationship isn't as hot as it used to be, you couldn't go wrong taking notes from Tarzan the Apeman and his wife Jane.

There must be fifty ways to please your lover, fifty ways to please your lover...

(The images in this post all came from Coops Jokes an exellent site with lots of funny material.)



jules said...

I always learn so much from you, Mikey. I had no idea Jane and Tarzan were the ORIGINAL swingers. ;)

schnoodlepooh said...

Fifty ways for real? No wonder I'm better at relationships with dogs than with men! All I know is rub their belly, and scratch behind the ears!

Peter said...

When I swing past you grab the vine Jane............Augaaaah.... The vine Jane, The vine...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Kiss my nose??!! What a gymnast!

Windfall Woman said...

Sorry I haven't been to visit in awhile. I always ALWAYS leave your blog with at least ONE smile.

Shann said...

I've always wondered who the original swingers were. ;) Good to know... lol!