The Shootist

Elmer "Cheney" Fudd Missed The Wabbit Again!

Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters today that he thought the man he shot was a terrorist. "The resemblance of the man to Ayman al-Zawahiri was uncanny," said Cheney. "It all happened because of faulty intelligence," he added.

President George W. Bush defended the Vice President by noting that the incident would send a strong message to terrorists every where. "The message is this," said Bush. "If Dick Cheney is willing to shoot an innocent American citizen at point-blank range, just imagine what he'll do to you."

Bush went on to say that he forsees no charges being filed against Cheney. "After all, the victim Harry Whittington, is a lawyer," Bush said ending his comments to reporters.

Cheney Must Go!

Despite his defense of the Vice President, Bush and his advisors gathered to discuss the Cheney problem behind closed doors in the Oval Office. Because of his long-standing friendship with "Shotgun Cheney," the President will discuss the possibility of giving him a new job.

One possible reassignment would be the obvious move to head up Homeland Security. On the surface, it sounds like a good idea, as one idiot is interchangeable with another. Bush said he would have to sleep on that decision while watching late night TV to see what his advisors Jay leno and David Letterman had to say on the subject. The whole incident for Dubya was eerie, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7pm instead of 7:30.

He remembered that Cheney was quick tempered and liked to tell the press to f**k off. He chuckled to himself when he remembered trying to explain the budget items for the twelve computers purchased for Cheney's office over a three month period. Cheney had his own way to secure his personal files. Bush suspected that maybe his Veep was visiting some questionable sites. There was no other explanation as to where the steamy sex video of him and Tilly his sheep may have originated.

George had his own suspicions about the incident, thanks in no small part to a phone conversation to his mother, Barbara. They decided that her tip would remain on a need-to-know basis only. While America would think that Cheney was hunting quail, only the Presidential family would be privvy to the fact that he thought the man he shot was Dan Quayle.

Dubya began to draft up a list of other possible jobs that he could find for Cheney. The Keebler company was out, they were satisfied with Ernie. Ronald McDonald had a life time contract. It seemed that Cheney was a clown without a circus. The adage of the pot calling the kettle black was completely lost on George W.

Suddenly he had an epiphany! He could make Cheney the head of security during press conferences. Surely any reporter who looked upon him standing next to the dias with an autmatic rifle, would think twice before asking any questions that would be deemed out of line. It was already established that he was a crack shot. If he would take out a lawyer, then reporters would be fair game.

Secure in his Sponge Bob Square Pants jammies, his teddy bear tucked under his arm, and his thumb in his mouth, George fell into a contented deep sleep. All was well in the White House - to hell with the rest of the country.

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