Friday, February 24, 2006

Two Thumbs Up

I have developed an Olympian thumb. The thumb on my right hand has been bulked up considerably over he past week or so. That Herculean appendage can easily overpower the other digits. The middle finger, once the supreme ruler of my hand has had to bow before my mighty thumb. It seems that the constant channel surfing with my remote aimed at the TV set, has proven to be a extensive, if not accidental, training regimen.
....I have come to the realization that I need to transfer the remote to my left hand. Perhaps during the remaining time that the Winter Olympics are running, I can also build up that hand's thumb.
....Of course, I will have to worry about public perception. I mean, how many people who happen to glance at my hands, will immediately become suspicious. I can almost hear the accusations now! There will be all those whispers behind my back. Asp
ersions will be cast regarding the sudden muscularity of my thumb. Yes, there will no doubt be insinuations about steroids. .... No one will believe that their marked growth was the direct result of an extensive program of exercise. No one will buy my claims that the growth was due to many hours of reps comprised of changing channels to and from one of the most boring Olympics in recent memory. (At least in my memory.)

I defy anyone to convince me that a sport! Watching prima donnas skate around in skimpy outfits isn't interesting, and while it is ascetically pleasing, it isn't what the Olympics are about. Who likes figure skating besides women? Well, it does give Scott Hamilton and Dick Button something to do, otherwise nobody would even know or care who they are.

The original Olympians were just a bunch of naked Greek men. Don't think for one minute they would have competed in the winter time! They would've froze them off! Back then women weren't allowed to watch the games, let alone participate in them.
....There is where the Athenians and the Spatans got it all wrong! Just think of the sold out stadiums they never got to see. They could have made a pile,
Hoss! Just think of the ratings the addition of naked female contestants would have rendered. Well, they missed the boat on all those Drachmas. I can picture Socrates in his Sunday best whites, sandals and laurel wreath opening the Olympics with the proclamation, "The thrill of victory ... The agony of defeat ... spanning all of Greece ..." What happened? They didn't realize the money, the pile that could be made. The Greek OLympics went belly up!

Over the centuries the Olympics were dumbed down. The athletes had to wear clothes to the extent that their privates were covered. More and more events were added so that we the viewers could not see all of them. Fact of the matter, they didn't want us to know just how stupid some of the events actually are. The purpose of so many events was to insure that auto companies, oil conglomerates and Wheaties made their piles.
....For a while we only had the Summer Olympics and all was right from Mount Olympus. Zeus and Athena ran the office pools and made their piles. When Synchronized swimming was being held, the two head honchos slipped down to earth and took the form of humans and sought out some strange.
....Then one day, some guy freezing his ass off in his kitchen somewhere in Iceland, decided it was a good idea to start up some Olympic games in the winter months. He didn't have a clue about geography or meteorology, and as such didn't realize that other places didn't have winter almost all year round like his country. As stupid as the idea was, there are always stupid people who will listen to lame ideas, especially if there is a chance to make a pile.
....This same guy took his family out in that era's version of a convertible for a sleigh ride down to the local drive-in diner. As he watched the Sleigh Hop skate out to his sleigh, he marveled at how she was able to maneuver around the other waitresses, trash recepticles, and sleigh teams. He then had an epiphany. He imagined the Sleigh Hops in competition in front of a paying audience. Yes, he realized there was a pile to be made. One of the waitresses could even write her name in the ice with her skate blades. Her name, when written out in English was loosely translated as "8."
....When the events began, she always won since the other girls couldn't spell their names with lifting their skates from the ice. So eventually they all wrote the name of the first girl. To maintain integrity of the name he'd coined, he had the girls wear skimpy tight costumes to show off their shapely and lithe bodies - hence, Figure Skating.
....A neighbor, jealous of the other man's accumulating riches, decided to invent his own winter competition. He took some old oil lamps he used for ice fishing at night, and copied from the game of Shuffleboard. Because of complaints and pressure from Cunard Lines, who were introducing shuffleboard on their latest liner, The Titanic, he was forcedto drop the name Shuffleboard On Ice. He finally chose a name one night during a match of his new game when nearly all of the players showed up sick. The players claimed it was because of eating too much elk for supper. In time, it has been suspected that their nausea was brought on from eating "yellow" snow. As he watched them up-chucking, he realized that hurling wouldn't work, but curling would. So chosen because it rhymed with hurling, the name Curling soon caught on.
....The "sport" survives to this day. It is remembered because no one can figure out where the name came from and why anyone is stupid enough to play it, or watch it for that matter. The biggest and most perplexing question, of course, is WTF is it doing in the Olympics? Through it all, it is also remembered because many people end up "hurling" every time they try to watch Curling. It has been suggested that most of the "sports" participants and fans are actually practicing bulimics.

....What has all this have to do with my thumbs, you ask? Well, if they insist on retaining the Winter Olympics, I am going to create my own event, Sphincter Racing. You see, I'll take these two enlarged thumbs, stick them up my ass, and then slide on my fists down the luge tracks. Upon establishing both Olympic and World records, Wheaties will want me on the front of their box! I'll win so many Gold Medals that the Winter Olympics will go bankrupt and shut down forever. As a result, never again will we be subjected to Sphincter Racing and Curling, and as a bonus, we won't have to listen to Scott and Dick.



Anonymous said...

Very funny post. I agree Scott Hamilton and Dick Button would gag a maggot if it had to listen to their lame rhetoric for more than a minute.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

God, I hope no TV moguls are reading this. If they do, you know what will happen, don't you?

Celebrity Sphincter Racing.

Somebody will make a pile.

Karen said...

Haven't been paying much attention to the Olympics 'cept for the skaters... What i wanta know is, why are so many skaters falling!?!

Yep, the curling had me hurling!

As always... Rachael said...

Agreed...curling is a game, not a sport. Just like shuffleboard and marbles are games, not sports.

I'm sure it's fun as hell to play while drinking beer with some friends, but not too exhilerating to watch on tv...