Tuesday, March 07, 2006

I See Stupid People

I Tot I Taw Tupid People!
Oh, what a banner day! I was dishing out awards left and right! In the space of one hour at the start of my day, I was obligated to issue four such awards. This award must be sorely coveted as of late, so numerous the nominees. Unlike most awards, I have taken the liberty to dole out an infinite amount of number ones. After all, I have an infinite supply of them.

The most deserving of the prize winners today was the young woman taking her kids to school in a grey PT Cruiser. She earned it by suddenly stopping for a red light which was still at least 50 yards ahead of her. This act got her nominated by the driver of the car behind her. Inexplicably, she put on her blinker and took a left turn over the median strip and attempted a U-turn into oncoming traffic coming from the other direction.

Myself and the drivers of four other vehicles who were on the selection committee, came to a screeching halt inches from the rear bumper in front of us. The driver of the fifth vehicle managed to swerve onto a sidewalk, narrowly avoiding a collision. It was a unanimous decision. All five of us, without hesitation, declared her number one! Since there was no damage, except for five sets of frayed nerves, we left the award winner with the kind police officer who had arrived to congratulate her.

I don't know if she got the kids to school on time, but I couldn't help but think that maybe they should petition for someone else to drive them to school in the future. In the meantime she can admire her awards while she ponders how she is going to explain the ticket to her husband.

The other awards and their recipients, in hind sight, were insignificant compared to that lady. They were awarded their Number Ones for stupid acts nonetheless. One belonged to a member of that elite club of those who open their car doors on narrow streets without checking to see if a vehicle is coming. Fortunately for her I was in no need of a hood ornament shaped like the drivers side door of a Chevy Impala. She didn't appreciate the award I gave her. In fact, she tried to give it back! Then there was man who decided to take a right turn the wrong way on a one-way street, even though his left turn indicator light was flashing. I was far enough behind him that when I began to veer to the right around him I was able to brake without our vehicles side-swiping. I don't know if he was preparing a thank you speech or not, and he didn't acknowledge the award. He just continued on his way the wrong way. The next awardee earned hers for cutting off a car in a parking lot of a supermarket for a space. The car she cut off had Handi-capped plates and the space was for Handi-capped parking only. To make matters worse, she ignored the old woman's complaints and went into the store in a nasty show of defiance. I happened to see a patrolling security car and flagged him down. He promptly parked behind her car, effectively blocking her escape. He then called the police department. Not only did this lady earn her award, she was going to be surprised with another when she returned to her car.

The preceding events were all true and happened between 8:15 and 9:15 am on Monday the 6th of March, 2006. The names of the award recipients have been omitted, not to protect the assholes, but to thank them for giving me another chance in this forum to tell them that they are number one in my book! If perchance they surf the net and just happen to read this blog, here is another one of the coveted You're Number One awards. This one you can print and it is suitable for framing.



Duke_of_Earle said...


I'm still laughing. The only people who can't relate to that post have never driven in any traffic.


Sar said...

Number One Awards! That's just perfect, Mike. What a funny post and cartoon.

Canadian Dude said...

You are so kind... dubbing these blunders "awards." May your day go much better tomorrow.

Shann said...

LOL!!!!!!! Love this post Mike. You keep me laughing. There are plenty of people I can hand that award out to every freakin' day!!

Karen said...

The one finger salute gets 'em every time!

Lisa said...

I am still cracking up! Some people just can't drive!

aka_monty said...

I want an award.
I feel so left out. ;)