Thursday, April 06, 2006

Do Your Dentures Lose Their Flavor On The Night Stand Overnight?

I like it when you put a smile on my face.
I remember this George Carlin piece from an HBO special years ago. It's one of he few "clean" monologues of his you'll ever hear (or read).

George Carlin: A View On Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30... Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on thebrakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92." A strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

"May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!"

Coming soon: TV Programs For the Elderly

The Great American Walker Race - The rules are, there are no rules - when these seniors start their walkers.

The Silver Girls - The Golden Girls are now in a Nursing Home, but little has changed with their antics..

Caps - Senior Citizens attempt to open Child-Proof lids on Prescription Medicine without help from the Grand Children.

Sponge Bob Depends Pants - Sponge Bob and friends have retired to Davy Jones' Nursing Home.

2.4 - Jack Bauer and his cohorts return in this thriller in which the entire season takes place in 2.4 hours. This innovative program will allow seniors to watch an entire show each week without falling asleep.

What's My Ailment? - The old game show 'What's My Line?' is given new life as seniors try to stump the panel who try to guess what maladies they have.

Victoria's Revelations - One-time Victoria's Secret models now seniors, display the latest in flannel pajamas, robes, slippers, etc.

Senior Olympics - Senior citizens from around the globe vie in such events as: Cane Fencing, a 2.6 mile walker marathon, etc.

Discount Shop Til You Drop - Seniors fill up shopping carts with Depends, Ensure, Stool Softeners and other sundries to try to be the first through the '10 Items or Less' register line using coupons and senior discounts to save the most money.

It's going to be an exciting season of must-see and must-hear TV, that is if you can find your eye glasses and hearing aids.



schnoodlepooh said...

Do they have those shows on cable? I'm definitely signing up to watch them. Will George Carlin have his own elderly TV also?

Miss Cellania said...

Sorta makes me glad I gave up TV!

Kat said...

Love the title, but now that old chewing gum song is going to be in my head all day!

Peter said...

That walker race sounds wheelie good Mike.

blue said...

LOL point, gotta love Carlin! I know you requested a Saturday or Sunday, but I'm in Spelldown the most on Friday, its my only day off from work, because thats the day my classes are on lol. If it has to be on Sat. or Sun. I am usually there between 8 and 10 (those 4 am wake ups for work are a real killer, so I'm usually off by 10, 11 at the latest) Have a good one!