Friday, June 30, 2006
Introducing a Blogdom first! Your favorite blonde jokes woven into one exciting story. Not since "Candy" has such passion and naivete' been collected in one source.
....(Okay, maybe it's not the first in all of Blogdom, but it's certainly a first in this Blog.)
Tiffany, a pretty blonde, was tired of hearing all those dumb blonde jokes. She had been the brunt of some them herself. So she decided to start a petition to outlaw the demeaning jokes. She realized that she would need a lot of money to get started, so she flew to Las Vegas to win some.
....When she arrived at the casino she walked up to soda machine just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
....Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
....She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
....As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Miss, but are you done yet?"
....She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh! I'm still winning!"
Feeling a little hungry and mindful of her shapely figure, Tiffany buys a banana and sits down on a park bench to eat it. The men in Vegas were no different than those back home in California she thought. She didn't understand why they were always so fascinated watching her eat a banana. Several guys came up to her and asked her out on a date. One of them said he had a large banana at his apartment and that she was welcome to go there with him to see it.
....She turned him down saying, "My doctor says I should eat one banana a day. I am having it right now." The man started to walk away and she called to him, "How about tomorrow? I'll need one again then."
....She accepted his address and telephone number and agreed to call him the next day. She was pleased that she would save money thanks to the man's free lunch offer.
Not having much luck in her attempts to win money at the casinos, Tiffany saw an ad in the local paper that a ranch nearby was looking for experienced men and women to conduct horseback tours. She hadn't been on a horse since she was a little girl, and felt she needed to practice before applying for the job. She found a place where she could ride a horse for a reasonable fee.
....She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Tiffany begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
Her body aching from the ordeal, Tiffany decides to go see a doctor. Not wanting to be taken advantage of, she purchased a red wig so the doctor wouldn't know she was blonde. Having played doctor as a child, she knew the routine and removed all of her clothes and waited for the doctor to come into the room. The doctor, surprised to see a naked woman in the waiting room, motioned for her to go to the examination room.
....Inside she tells the doctor that her body hurts whenever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
....She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams. For good measure she pushes her finger against her breast and screams in pain.
....The doctor looks at her and says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
...."No," she replies. "I'm actually a blonde."
...."I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
Tiffany keeps her date the next day. While she was not impressed with the banana he showed her, she was appreciative of his hospitality. Before long, their articles of clothing were spread all over his living room floor.
....They settled in front of a large fireplace onto a huge bearskin rug. She proudly demonstrated her banana eating skills much to the man's delight. By then she was ready and she asked him to take her. He was more than ready and thrust his hips forward ... into the gaping mouth of the bear head.
....She was startled by his scream. She was stunned as she watched him hopping around in pain, his hands clamped tightly on his privates.
...."You poor, dear," she said passionately. "You must have broken your finger."
Tiffany had not forgotten her reason for coming to Las Vegas in the first place. She needed money. In the paper she found an ad for an opening at a local law firm. They were looking for an intelligent person to train as a paralegal, no experience required.
....At the law firm she was given an application and a questionnaire to complete. Shortly after completing the forms she was sitting in front of the director of Human Resources. The man behind the desk said, "I have just a couple more questions. I need your answers orally."
....Tiffany smiled and said, "Oh, you have a banana for me too?"
....The man eyed her for a moment, cleared his throat and said, "Describe to me "Roe vs. Wade."
....She thought for a moment before answering, "Well. duh. That's the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the river to fight the British!"
....The man shook her hand and told her not to call him. He would call her if she had the job.
....The next day, on her return flight to California, Tiffany was sitting in the first class section when she was approached by the flight attendant. She informed Tiffany that she had to move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
....She replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to California and I'm not moving."
....Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to California and I'm not moving."
....The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde. I know how to handle this."
....He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
....Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
....He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to California."
Curmudgeon responsible for this post: Hale McKay at 10:43 PM