Saturday, July 15, 2006
Golf is a good walk, ruined. - Mark Twain
Not being a golfer myself, I can only pay tribute to the sport with a few jokes and cartoons.
I am reminded of a Johnny Carson interview with his guest, Mrs. Arnold Palmer.
....Carson: "Is there anything you do for your husband for good luck when he's going to be playing in a PGA event?"
....Palmer: "Yes, I kiss his balls."
....Carson: (After pausing to look at audience) "That must straighten out his putter."
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
-9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
-8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
-7. Look at the size of his putter.
-6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
-5. Mind if I join your threesome?
-4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
-3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
-2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
....And the number one thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
-1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!
A young student studying to become a priest was sent out on an assignment to save a soul. While looking for someone in need of saving, he happens to walk by a golf course. An elderly man is teeing up for a drive as the student approaches. The golfer takes a mighty swing but misses completely the ball on the tee.
...."God damn! I missed it," said the man.
...."Mister," the lad calls out, "You should not be taking the name of the Lord in vain."
....The golfer eyes the young man suspiciously, but nods in acknowledgement to the man's request.
....The student decides to follow the golfer around the course. It isn't long before the golfer slices a shot into a stand of trees. "God damn! I f**kin' sliced it!"
....The student spoke up again, "Sir, kindly do not take the name of our Lord in vain." Once again the golfer nods.
....Over the course of the next 17 holes, the golfer several times lost control of his language. Each time he swore, the student pleaded with him to cease. Finally after a nice tee shot, and an accurate approach shot from the fairway, the golfer found himself less than a foot from the cup. He was two shots away from breaking 100 for the first time. The glared at the student to remain silent as he lined up his putt.
....The ball rimmed the hole and spun to the left. "God damn it to hell!" he screamed.
....The student priest became very animated, "I beg you, sir. Do not take the Lord's name in vain, for surely he will open up the sky and strike you down with lightning!"
...."Go away," the golfer shouted at the student. He lined up his putt, took a deep breath, and gently tapped the ball to the cup. Once it again it rimmed the hole and rolled away.
....He looked directly at the young man and roared defiantly, "God f**king damn! God damn it, I missed that putt!"
....Suddenly, dark clouds rolled in. There was a boom of thunder and a brilliant bolt of lightning hurtled earthward, striking and incinerating the would-be priest.
....Next a thunderous voice rang down from above, "Human damn! I missed again!"
A newly wed woman took a ride to the golf club where her husband was a member. She went to the local pro and explained that she wanted to learn to play golf, so she could spend more time with her husband on the weekends.
....The pro soon had her at the driving range and said to her, "Let me see you hit the ball from a tee, Mrs. Davis."
....After about a dozen swings which rendered only one ball traveling more than ten feet, the pro stopped her. "I think I see your problem. It's your grip. You've got it all wrong."
...."I've never held a golf club before," she replied. "What's the best way?"
....The pro thought for a moment and had an idea. "Mrs. Davis, I want you hold that golf club just like you hold your husband's penis when you are making love."
....The woman promptly addressed the ball, swung, and sent the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.
....The pro said, "That was a great drive, Mrs. Davis. Now I want you to take the golf club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."
Curmudgeon responsible for this post: Hale McKay at 10:30 PM