Reigning Cats and Dogs

Do you talk to the animals? Well, if you're a pet owner you do! I'm sure you have some cutesy smarmy names for them also. If you have a neighbor with a noisy barking dog, I'll bet you have some choice names for them and the dog.

There's a little Dr. Doolittle in most of us. We swear the animals understand us. They know exactly what we are saying to them, don't they? After all, we love our pets. They are part of the family. Some pets get a lot more attention that some of us homo sapiens!

For what other reason, other than love, would we watch a dog lick its privates and then allow it it to lick our faces? Rather than attempt to answer that question, let's look at it from "poochie's" point of view. Maybe the dog doesn't particularly like the taste of our faces. Perhaps he first "seasons" his tongue to kill the taste. (Don't we season things to improve the taste?)

Animals have a much more developed olfactory system than that of us humans. They very much depend upon their sense of smell to survive. Their keen sense of smell allows them to find food. It helps them to determine if another of its kind is friend or foe. They can recognize their young because of unique aromas. The propagation of the species can be attributed to their sense of smell. Unlike humans, canines don't have the luxury of buying the female another drink. They don't need to show up with flowers. Have nose will travel! If a female is receptive, the male simply follows the scent.

Ah, but the animals have been talking to us for a long time. I think sometimes we have grown oblivious and have forgotten the almost daily conversations they have with us.

Think about it, they are selling us insurance on TV. We've taken it for granted, however, as if it were subliminal. A duck is touting injury insurance. A gecko is piching auto insurance. A talking toucan and a wacky cuckoo are telling us what sugared cereals to buy. A tiger is pushing another cereal by yelling, "Great!"

I am sure that I am as convinced as you that a tuna wearing a fedora would really want to be caught and canned for human consumption! On the other hand, I suppose it is believable that a finicky cat would want us to know which cat food to buy.

The late Gilda Radner of Saturday Night Live fame left as part of her legacy the following musical tribute on the subject of talking to animals.

LET'S TALK DIRTY TO THE ANIMALS

A rooster says Good Morning
With a "Cock-a-doodle-doo" - Good Morning!
A horse's neigh is just his way
Of saying "How are you".
A lion growls "Hello"
And owls ask "Why" and "Where" and "Who".
May I suggest you get undressed
And show them your wazoo - Oh,

The animals, the animals,
Let's talk dirty to the animals
Fuck you, Mister Bunny
Eat Shit, Mister Bear.
If they don't love it, they can shove it
Frankly, I don't care - Oh,

The animals, the animals,
Let's talk dirty to the animals
Up yours, Mister Hippo
Piss off, Mister Fox.
Go tell a chicken "Suck my dick" an'
Give him Chicken Pox - Oh,

The animals, the animals,
Let's talk dirty to the animals
From birds in the treetops
To snakes in the grass - But,
Never tell an alligator "Bite my..." No!
Never tell an alligator "Bite my..." Yes!
Never tell an alligator "Bite my... snatch.

Thanks to that mother bear and her cub, I can take solace in the fact that I know which toilet paper to use to wipe my ass!

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