Ask Any Mermaid...

(I officially started a week of vacation today. It'll be mostly a "honey-do" week off as I tackle a few projects around the domicile. Today was an errand day to stock up on the necessary supplies for those chores. Today's post is some jokes and pictures to entertain you.)

The Mermaid
A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas, but his head was the size of a thimble.
....The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring, but I can't help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?"
....The man said, "Buy me a drink and I’ll tell you."
....The drink was ordered and the story began. "I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there alone for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat, looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes.
....'Great,' I said. 'I’d like to be rescued.'"
....."She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island. Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is. Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her.
....She said no and that it just wouldn't work her being half fish and all.
....So I said, 'Well, how about a little head then?'"

Vaseline
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
.... Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
....Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word.
....So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table, hikes up her skirt, rips off her panties and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
....A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
....All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
....Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

The Love Dress
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked except for a pair of fish net stockings by the door.
...."What are you doing?" she asked.
...."I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
...."But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
...."This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
...."Love dress? But you're naked!"
...."My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
....The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, put on her own pair of fish net stockings and waited by the front door.
....Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing, all but naked in the stockings, by the door.
...."What are you doing?" he asked.
...."This is my love dress" she replied.
...."Needs ironing." he said.

No.710