I think I've been in the Fitness Protection Program far too long. Man, am I ever out of shape! The coffee mug arm curls just aren't getting it done. I'm going to have to reconsider that brisk morning walk from the back porch to my truck. I have a regular regimen of Glad bag hauling, but what good is all that weight lifting doing me?
Oh, I've even tried jogging too. Every morning, I spend at least a half an hour trying to remember my schedule for the day. Sometimes I even increase the reps by trying to recall the previous day. It doesn't even work up a sweat.
Have you ever noticed the similarity between "exercise" and "exorcise?" They have the same amount of letters. They sound the same. Oddly, their definitions are practically the same. One is simply the product of the other. It's true!
Remember that scene from The Exorcist when the priest watched as Linda Blair's head was spinning around on her neck? There was no act of exorcism happening. It was exercism! You see, the priest was in reality her personal trainer. He was coaching her as she performed a head and neck exercise. Several reps of that routine exorcises stiff and sore muscles.
Today I had a new client, an elderly 73-year-old woman, on my schedule. Much to my chagrin, she lived on the third floor of an apartment building with no elevator. (As this is only the year 2006, there was no teleportation system either.) This meant that I had to traverse three flights of stairs. A workout empty-handed to be sure, but lugging a vacuum cleaner, a mop, and a bucket of cleaning supplies, it proved to be a daunting climb.
I have always been a firm believer of moderation. So I stopped at each half flight landing to preserve my energy. When I arrived at her door, I was sweating and panting. No wonder, I had just scaled the Matterhorn!
....And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
....And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."
....And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.
....And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
....And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
....And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
....And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
....And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
....And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
....And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
....And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
....And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
....And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
....And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
....And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
....And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
....And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
....And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. ....And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
....And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
....Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
....And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.
....And God created the life-giving tofu.
....And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
....And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
....And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.
So it came to pass that we have reached the state of physical fitness and happiness in which we find ourselves today. You might say it is of Biblical proportions that we have survived at all.
As I hang my cap on the handle of the exercise/exorcise bike and neatly drape my jacket on the handles of the tread mill, I can see that I really should try to get myself in shape. An over-sized mug of coffee is good for a dozen arm curls with the left hand and six glazed donuts should work for the right side.