Saturday, September 02, 2006

Weekly Reader

- n. (past tense of Siturday, variant of 'Sitter Day;) Seventh day of a typical week; sometimes considered start of a weekend. From The Pointmeister's Dictionary of Fractured Entymology - literally "your day that you sat on your ass."

While on most calendars Saturday is placed at the end of a week, many consider the day following, Sunday to be the seventh day. This is due to the differing interpretations of passages found in the Holy Bible.
....After putting in six days of creation, God rested on the seventh day. He sat, hence Saturday! It appears that those who translated the scriptures were card carrying Union members. Thus, citing union bylaws from time immemorial, they determined that God would have been laboring at a pay rate of time and a half had He been on the clock on a Saturday.

....Knowing that no Outfit would have been willing to pay double time, there would have been a normal work stoppage on Sunday. If He rested on the seventh day, Saturday and also took off Sunday, He must have in actuality put in only five days on the project, and yet took home a check for six days!
....Many believe this is the model for many of the labor practices still in use today. This would explain such arrangements as police details, tee times for physicians, and the no-show jobs of politicians. Eons upon eons later, His massive public-works creation hints at shoddy workmanship and cost over runs.

If the Omnipotent Construction Company had undertaken such a project in the present, such pestilences as mosquitoes, roaches and the entire Bush family would have been would have been disallowed on the project. One must suspect that this was the first major job He had ever held. There probably were no instruction manuals in the beginning.

That brings us to Sonday, now called Sunday. The name of the day serves to prove that in the beginning, there was nepotism. While He was out overseeing the project He left things in the hands of His Son. From the scriptures, the translators decided that Sunday would be deemed a day of cleanliness. From then on all mothers would remind their husbands and children "it's a bath day" whether they needed it or not. To this day, we call it the Sabbath.

The next day, it was time to return to work. Because of the rest on Saturday, and the bath on Sunday, being back on the job was found to be rather boring. It was a mundane day. Monday was readily coined as a name for the day. It was on such days that He invented walking on water.

Though the scholars disagree on the origin of 'Tuesday,' it has been suggested that it would have been the day that He would take a walk through the tall grasses of the plains. The walk would have been routine so that he could dry his feet and toes after walking on the oceans the day before. Some nerd of a translator may have forgotten to close a letter "O" while transcribing from the ancient scrolls and it was mistaken as a "U" by subsequent scribes. Only from an error do we not call it Toesday.

Even The Almighty had to eat sometime. Our creator, it seems was very fond of Tex-Mex. After downing generous amounts of burritos, tacos and enchiladas He often felt a little distressed. It was on this day that the solar winds and the breezes upon earth were invented. In time, Windy Days became Windsday until the British misspelled it to its present form of Wednesday.

Of course it would only be natural that after eating spicy hot foods that One would need a drink to wash the stuff down. Thus on Thirst Day He invented wine. He had been wondering what to do with that particular little fruit. Through the centuries the peoples of the earth decided that they liked the "fruit of the vine" so much that they would drink it any day of the week, not just on Thursday.

It wasn't long before he gave them fire to help them make their wines. The people were smarter than he realized, and soon found that with fire they also cook meats. It wasn't long after that they were eating fish and chips and fried chicken, both of which went well with the wine. Friday became a tradition still honored and celebrated today.

With a week passed, we return to Saturday. We need that day to recover from the hard week of the mundane, sore toes, strong winds, the fine wines and the fried foods. It's the day you can say that you "sat on your ass" and relaxed.

The calendar would be modified over the years until it is in the form we use today. Because of events through many milleniae, whether joyous or tragic, special days and holidays were added.

Unfortunately, one of those days was Election Day. Every now and then certain elected officials try to place themselves in a postion that is above us and think they are appointed by and answer to a higher power.



Peter said...

So that makes September 2 Codswallop Day hey Mike??

jules said...

Me loves me some Siturday. You are so twisted, kiddo. I like that in a man.

Christina said...

LOL at election day. The whole thing was pretty good!