Monday, November 20, 2006

Dead Turkeys Walking

"Happy Thanksgiving, Mr. President," said the Secretary of State.
...."Bah drumstick!" replied George W. Bush.
....He just didn't get it. Why did everyone want to embrace a day of feasting? What was so happy about it anyway?
....How could the American people possibly find anything to be thankful for? Hadn't he done enough to make their lives miserable? Was he going to have to step up the troop deployment in that litter box of a country, Iraq? Maybe he should really piss everyone off by sending a few battalions to kick some Irani ass too.
....The ungrateful bastards, didn't they know he was helping the economy? So what if the price of crude oil was at an all-time high! It was doing a job at filling the Bush coffers, it wasn't like the profits were going to waste. Let them get second and third jobs or put their kids and parents to work! Everyone's got to pull their own weight.
...."You're a real Scrooge today, Mr. President," said the Secretary.
...."Scrooge? You mean like Energizer Scrooge?"
...."Energizer?" replied the Secretary. "That's a battery."
...."Oh yeah, heh heh. I always get the names mixed up. I was thinking of the Ebenezer Bunny."
...."Uh .. It is late, Mr. President. Maybe you should turn in."
...."Yeah, you're right, Condi," he said. He walked a piece down the corridor and turned back to her, "Oh! I get it! You meant Ebenezer Scrooge! That miser guy in that book by Charles Darwin."
....There was only a blank stare as a response from Rice.
...."I really like that story. I almost felt sorry for that Bob Crotchet fellow .. walking around with that cane and not knowing he was going to die."
...."Uh, Mr. President," she managed to say, "I think you mean Tiny Tim."
...."Now there was a cool song. Ahem ... Tiptoe through the tulips.. .. ahem .. my falsetto is improving. Don't you think?"
...."Yes, yes it is," she said dumbfounded. "..And Mr. President, I wasn't referring to that Scrooge."
...."Oh? Who then?"
....As she was walking away she said over her shoulder, "$crooge McDuck!"

As he lay on his pillow staring at the ceiling, he thought how curious it was that Condi would compare him to Uncle $crooge. He'd heard that before from others. Perhaps there was a family resemblance? Nah, they were all jealous because he had a few bucks - okay a few kazillion bucks!
....He drifted off to sleep and began to dream. He dreamt he was in a vast vault overflowing with money. He was diving from atop a filing cabinet into a mound of hundred dollar bills. Swimming in money, it just didn't get any better than that!
...."George ... George ... George..."
....The voice seemed to be a hundred miles away.
...."George Walker Bush !"
....The voice was there in his bedroom. He bolted upright and cried, "Mommy, I don't wanna go to school."
....He looked around but no one was there. There was a rustling sound next to his bed. He looked around and suddenly turned pale. There before him was what appeared to be a ghost ... of a ... turkey! The spectre was pacing, strutting back and forth on the floor next to the bed.
...."I gotta stop having those midnight turkey sandwiches!" he said aloud.
...."You are what you eat, George", the gossamer bird said.
...."This must be some kind of terrorist plot," said the President pulling the sheets over his head. "That's it! That's where the WMD are! It's a sign! The WMD are in Turkey! We gotta get our troops to invade Turkey!"
...."No, George. You're wrong as usual," said the turkey vision. "My presence here tonight is more important than nonexistent WMD."
...."More important than the WMD?" said Bush growing calm. "I know! You're here to tell me that there is a loophole that will allow me to run for a third term?"
...."Get real, George," said the ghostly figure. "I am the ghost of Thanksgiving turkeys past."
...."Eh? You mean like in that Charles Darwin book?"
...."Dickens, dumdum."
...."Ooh. Ooh. 'I'm Dickens, He's Fenster,' that used to be my favorite TV program."
...."Why does that not surprise me?"
...."Wait. You mean to tell me that you are the first of three turkey ghosts who'll be paying me a visit tonight?" asked Bush.
...."Does that disturb you, George?"
...."Hell no! I gotta run to the kitchen and grab a loaf of bread and some mayonnaise. All this talk of turkeys has given me a powerful appetite!"

The President awoke the next morning to the sound of a voice telling him that it was time to get out of bed. "...And just who do you think you are calling me a turkey?" Laura said angrily.
....As he was sitting up he watched her pick up the empty bread wrapper and mayonnaise jar. "Honestly, George," she chided, "Must you eat in bed? ...And what's with all these feathers?"

It seems that a good story, especially a classic, is lost on some people. Some people have been known to change their ways after spectral visitations. Alas, this was not that Scrooge!

No.806

4 comments:

Serena Joy said...

Mike, you have to stop this stuff. I'm getting bellyaches from laughing so hard. I'm lying -- keep 'em coming! LOL.

lime said...

LMAO. so judging by the last line this is a tragedy, NOT a comedy.

NMOTB said...

I just love the way you say it!!! Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!

Steve G said...

Great stuffing, for a turkey. Grin.