Tuesday, December 05, 2006

12 Daze of Christmas

Is it me, or is there something screwy about the lyrics of that Twelve Days of Christmas song?
....For starters, is the "true love" mentioned, a keeper? Next, I have to bring to question the quality of the gift selection here. I'll give him his propers when it comes to those five gold rings, for that must have cost him quite a few dead Presidents.
....But the rest of those gifts? I suppose he needed twelve days. Imagine the logistics and infrastructure it must have involved to have all that stuff delivered, not to mention the expense!
....I trust this woman must have had an affinity for birds. If so, where is she going to keep a partridge, two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds, six geese, and seven swans ? Don't forget, the geese are laying -eggs? She's going to need a nesting area. The swans are swimming, thus she'll need a lot of room for a pond! Remember the pear tree? Where's she going to plant it, in the bedroom?
....While on the subject of birds, can you say guano? Who's going to clean up after all those feathered gifts? Ah, fertilizer for the pear tree? I hope the stupid bastard at least included a gift certificate for bird feed.

Now those were just the first seven of his generous gifts. Between you and I, if he'd stuck to the five gold rings, he might have gotten laid. As it is, he'll be lucky is she lets him sleep in the new aviary!
....Our heroine is about to need an even bigger house! Picture the look on her face when eight maids come through the front door carrying a stool and a bucket, and leading a cow by a leash! Feel her horror as they commence to milking the cows right in the middle of the living room! With all those bovines blocking her access to his throat, she stifles the urge to kill him.
....She answers the doorbell and in come nine ladies dancing. To make matters worse, they are Las Vegas showgirls! Too late, she realizes that the door is still open, allowing ten lords leaping into her hallway. After leaping about knocking over lamps and furniture, they begin to leap all over the dancing ladies. It wasn't a very to mix nine semi-nude dancing Vegas ladies with ten horny lords leaping about. One could only hope that their shenanigans wouldn't spook the eight cows being milked!
....She doesn't notice at first that eleven pipers have joined the fray, closely followed by twelve drummers! The poor girl must have thought an entire drum and fife corps had just dropped in.
....If our boy, the said true love, is in enough hot water as it is, just wait until the cops arrive when the neighbors begin to call in with their complaints.

Now that we have explored the folly of his gift giving finesse, it is time to reflect. I think we all will agree that the man's amorous intentions will probably result in his having to play his own pipe.
....Next, let's consider the enormity of the situation. He presented our girl with twelve gifts, right? Wrong! Note that on the first day there was one gift, on the second day two, three on the third, etc. Using a simple equation, 1+2+3+4, thru to 12 yields a total of 78 gifts! (That's not counting the pear tree or the milking cows.)
....Wait! That isn't right, is it? What am I missing? Ah, yes. Do you see my error? The correct answer lies in the verses of the song itself. Note the repetitious structure of verses. With the exception of the twelth gift, every gift is repeated! Thus by multiplying the day of Christmas every time it is repeated by the number of gift items, the woman received a staggering amount of gifts from her soon-to-be-ex-lover.
....So while he is home playing pocket pool, our heroine has a daunting task ahead of her. She has to find a way to return 364 gifts! (Again, that's not counting the pear trees or the milking cows. Also, we will ignore the stools and buckets, as well as the pipes and drums.)

Anyone want to buy 12 drummers drumming, 22 pipers piping, 30 lords a leaping, 36 ladies dancing, 40 maids a milking, 42 swans a swimming, 42 geese a laying, 40 gold rings, 36 calling birds, 30 French hens, 22 turtle doves, and 12 partridges in pear trees ?

Hmm ... After applying a little more math, it wouldn't be a stretch to say that anyone with a house large enough to hold all those gifts, must be ... well to do! ...And she's available! Maybe I should go calling on her. Of course, I know enough to show up with only ... five gold rings.



Rebecca said...

Hey - just popping in to say hi!!! Beta Blogger is very finicky and I don't always get my comments published. :(

Hope all is well - have a great Christmas season! :)

Jack K. said...

You might want to go back to the calculator. I do believe you calculated 40 gold rings.

Good luck on your search for the menagerie. lol

Serena Joy said...

I think that showing up at the door with a menagerie -- and showgirls -- leading the way to endless guano to clean up just might be grounds for shooting the messenger. LOL!

Fred said...

Every year, our school morning show does the Twelve Days. This year, it's "two crazy teachers." As they sing it, we're dancing with the school mascot.

Guess who was one of those two teachers?

Karen said...

never did figure it out 'bout the twelve days of Christmas... not like any i've ever known.

now santa claus is comin' to town and rudolph make sense! :+)