Sunday, December 24, 2006
'Tis better to give than it is to receive.
Try selling that crock to someone who got a crappy gift! Why not convince Frosty the Snowman that a Vidal Sassoon hair drier is more practical than a snow blower. (Okay, so Frosty's a dirty old snowman.)
....Try to convince a kid that a pair of pink bunny slippers from Auntie Grace is a better gift than a Sony Play Station.
....There is a commercial that beat me to the punch, but I think there's a Rolling Stones song that should become a regular Christmas carol. It would be the perfect anthem for bad gifts and those who receive them. The song? You Can't Always Get What You Want.
So, to the backdrop of that song, here's some suggested gifts for some celebrities:
For Rosie O'Donnell -Since she never seems to know when to keep her big mouth shut: some organic food, delivered by carrier pigeon.
For Norm and Steve -a fix up job at the famous Chicken Ranch.
If you are a parent, you are no doubt experienced in the third shift at the factory. Of course, I am referring to the late night chore of wrapping the Christmas gifts that Santa left on Christmas Eve. (Hey, if he's so great, then why doesn't the "tubby one" deliver the gifts already wrapped?)
....And if that crack team of elves is so proficient, then why aren't all the toys put together? Some assembly required? Indeed! The reverberations of my expletives deleted the night I struggled to assemble that Barbie Recreation Vehicle, can still sometimes be heard in my house.
....The stage is set for another version of Moore's Night Before Christmas:
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
In the kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no pieces be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes down in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if there were failure, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the floor they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, where the metal is bare!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
"We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfectest Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland, at last sweet repose
I gratefully went, although I suppose
There's something to say for those self-deluded
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
(*I'd love to claim this as my own, but alas it's the work of that tireless author, Anonymous.)
Now that my gift wrapping is finally all done, I can return my attention to my shrink - my keyboard. Here's a couple of funny quickies for you:
Did you hear about the successful female stock broker who had a blind date with a Redneck? It didn't work out. She was NASDAQ and he was NASCAR.
Remember ladies you'll always have an hourglass figure. It just that the older you get everything on the top falls to the bottom.
After all the gifting today, I need to give myself a gift. I'll pamper myself with a cup of hot coffee, with a healthy uplifting shot of Bailey's substituting for the milk.