1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
33. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
38. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
39. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
40. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
41. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
42. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin Strikes Again
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. . Does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
__A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
__B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
__C. Baptists do not recognize each Other in the liquor store or at Hooters
6. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
7. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
8. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
9. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
10. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
11. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
12. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in. . . What happens to the other penny?
13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
15. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
16. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?
17. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
18. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
19. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
20. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
21. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed.
22. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge. Would they call it Fed UP?
23. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
24. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
25. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me. . They're cramming for their final exam.
26. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
27. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
28. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
29. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
30. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
31. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
32. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
33. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
(Today was a long week! Tired! Please excuse the "borrowed" material.)