Saturday, January 13, 2007

Coming To A Conclusion

Have you ever noticed how some terms seemed to have sexual overtones whether actual or perceived? A case in point is the title chosen for this post.
....Is there really a sexual connotation there? Putting it in perspective, why not break it down to its component parts?
....Coming: adj- 1. approaching; next in line, 2. showing promise. n- arrival; advent.
....Conclusion: n - 1. an ending or finality; 2. the act of ending.

....We hold our breaths waiting for our conjugal partner to say amorous things like: "..Almost there, honey. I'm coming to a conclusion!"
....I don't know about you, but it doesn't evoke passion to me.

On the other hand, if the title were to be used as a caption for the cartoon featured here, it does take on a sexual slant.

....In fact, the title has little to do with sex. It is intended as an announcement, albeit a cryptic one, that the current running short story, "Perchance To Dream" is indeed coming to a conclusion.
....If you've been following the story, you no doubt noticed that chapter six was wrapping up several loose ends and answered a few questions. That is usually a sure sign that a story is approaching a climax before finally coming to a conclusion.
....It is also a sign that author has become frantic because he has let the story run away from him. His story has reached such a frenetic pace he realized that he'd forgotten to include some key elements. He has suddenly had to switch gears and apply the brakes.
....In a typical whodunnit story, we know what it is that the who has dun, but we should also learn why the who whodunnit to those to whom he's dunnit to was doing it, before we find out who the dunnit is.
....If you haven't read the story yet, what in the hell are you waiting for? Seriously, to read the story from the beginning, simply move that over active cursor of yours to here and start reading! The story will continue with a posting on Sunday 1/14/07.

Since this post opened with sexual connotations, who am I to disappoint?

Spartacus Sperm*

In the Kingdom of Scrotumeria, there lived a peaceful village of poor Spermatozoans. Now every Spermatozoa aspired to be The One. Their literature was rich in the lore of those who had come before them. The elders often warned them that they should want to be like those who had gone before them.
....The old stories told of such gallant heroes as Hercules Sperm, Goliath Sperm, and the great Ulysses Sperm. Those legendary forefathers had become one of The Ones.
....There were also some disturbing stories that told of those who had failed. These urban legends were popular with the youth of the village. That explained why so many of them had become listless and lackadaisical, if not just plain lazy.
....Because of the ghost stories told around campfires, the children feared that they might become a mere pool in some navel. They could end up suffering the indignity of dripping harmlessly from a hand. Even more terrifying was the prospect of being launched into space only to be splattered against a wall.
....However, there was one story that was sure to cause nightmares. It was the telling of a Jonah-like story. It told of a hungry beast with a cavernous orifice, some times referred to as a mouth. The orifice was said to be lined with pearly white stalagmites and stalactites. Many a Sperm had died striking them. Most horrifying of all was the belief that some of their descendants had been swallowed alive.
....Now there lived among them a large powerful member of the tribe. The elders had watched him with interest. They felt that he just might be The One. His name was Spartacus. He laughed at the ghost stories and was proud of their heritage and purpose for living.
....While the other youth sat around, he could be seen running, doing calisthenics, and lifting weights. He spent many hours training and practicing aerobic breathing. He had come to think that might be The One. It was that driving force that soon turned him into one of most athletic and strongest Spermatozoa that even the eldest of the elders had ever seen.
....He studied the history books and read the biographies of those legendary heroes. He wanted to be ready when the day came that the great subway tube would reopen. He wanted nothing more than to be the first through the tunnel. He wanted nothing more than to be the first to see the tunnel's egress. Out there was the glorious afterlife and the mythical egg of progeny.
....One day there was an occurrence of a rare afternoon delight. Their domed world began to warm considerably. The dome surrounding them began to shrink from some outside stimulation. Lo, the subway began to elevate, its walls hardening. Suddenly, as if by magic the tunnel opened.
....Spartacus stood at the opening awaiting the surge that would allow them to pass through the tunnel. He noticed a quivering in the walls as they continued to expand.
....It happened! There was a gush of power to his back and he was off and running ahead of the pack. Because of his stamina and intense training, he soon left his fellow villagers far behind. Before long he was completely out of their sight. Even though some were struggling to stay behind, the pressure was pushing them along at a frightening pace. Some could be seen praying while still others were saying their rosaries.
....All of a sudden they could see Spartacus. They thought they might be overtaking him. But he was running in their direction. He was terrified and was shouting to them.
...."Go back! Go back! It's a hand job!"

Bada-bing, bada-boom!

* This is an old joke. You've probably seen or heard it in one of many different and certainly much shorter forms. I decided to update it in story format.

....Next, we shall tackle another term that has perceived sexual overtones: Coming to a head.



kenju said...


Scary Monster said...

Hello there Hale. Me has refrained from commenting on the story because me wanted to wait until it be finished.
Me likes the way things is heading and is amazed that you are just knocking this off ad lib. Good stuff.

Serena Joy said...

What can I say except that I am LMAO? :)

jules said...

Tee hee hee. I'm wondering what Spartacus would have said about MY afternoon? Several options were available to him.....

Peter said...

There once was a sperm called Spartacus
He was blown back wards by a Fartacus
Why the hell are we here?
Use front entry not the rear
As the smell overcame poor Spartacus

Well why should you be the only one with a perverted mind?

Windfall Woman said...

You are a STITCH!

Brian G Ross said...

Yeah, everythin' has a sexual connotation if you really want it to. And now, of course, I will just have to go out and find a release for... all this...