Thursday, May 10, 2007

I Know Jack Schitt, Do You?


WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Just who is Jack Schitt anyway? The geneology has finally been traced. When you read the following, you too can proudly say, "Yes, I know Jack Schitt!"

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a High School drop out.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as, Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and, subsequently married the Happens Brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement headline in the newspaper read: "The Schitt-Happens Wedding." The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them and say, "Oh yes I do!"

(Family History Recorded By Crock O.Schitt)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

This family history was brought to you by the new product iTit, from the manufacturers of iPod.

Ladies, are you tired of men staring at your chest and not hearing a word you say? With this safe implant, not only will maintain a shapely bustline, but you will also be able to download your favorite songs.

With the sounds of Michael Bolton for example, emanating from your breast, he'll have no recourse but to look you in the eyes when you are talking. Since you will be in control, you can reward his good manners by maybe letting him make a song selection or two.

FINDING INNER PEACE

I was once told that if I wanted to find inner peace, all I had to do was to finish the things I have started.

Today I finished two bag of chips, an apple pie, a fifth of Jack Daniels, and box of chocolate candy.

I feel better already.


No.981

5 comments:

Peter said...

O Schitt I had that earmarked for posting just shows ya gotta be Quick Schitt.
Can I get a trade in on my old iPod on an iTit??

jules said...

So if I get two iTits can I have two men?????

aka_Monty said...

I think I'll load up on John Tesh songs and Liberace.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Holey moley! That's a lot of Schitts.

Top cat said...

LMAO..love the Jack Schitt story.
tc