Wednesday, June 13, 2007
(This is day three of a week-long series of posts about that great pass time - drinking! If you missed "Monday and Tuesday Libations," just keep scrolling after you read this one to catch up. The drinking humor and jokes are on the house!)
DOE RE MI BEER
by Homer J. Simpson
DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to... [Looks into an empty glass]
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties," he said.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
BUSINESS IS SLOW
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar one afternoon. One of the car salesmen complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my f***ing ass!"
Too late, the man noticed a gorgeous blonde woman, sitting just two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
That's okay, I understand," the blonde replied. "I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my f***ing car!"
THE BEST BAR
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. The Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there is a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK
* Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
* You fall off the floor.
* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
* You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
* Job interfering with your drinking.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case-coincidence?? You think not!
* You can focus better with one eye closed.
* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed ... hmmm?
* Roseanne looks good.
* That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
* Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
* You think the four basic food groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and the opposite sex.
* Don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
* The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
* You wake up screaming, "TORO TORO TORO!", in the middle of the night.
* Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!
* You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping - with your Oldsmobile.
* Friends armed with fire extinguishers stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
* Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
* Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Vodka.
* For some reason, there's salt on the rim of you basketball goal.
* Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
* For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.
* You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
* Absolute wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
* Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
* The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
* Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
* Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
* You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
* You are lying in bed and it feels like you're on a merry-go-round.
* You sound like you're speaking a different language and get irritated when others don't understand you.
* You walk up to a real big dude and ask, "Is it true big guys have real small peckers?"
* You fart and then feel a lump in your back pocket.
Curmudgeon responsible for this post: Hale McKay at 9:04 PM