Weapons of Math Instruction

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales spoke of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'. "

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence."

The President continued, saying, "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

Condoleeza Rice said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though the Al-Gebrists continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."


MATHEMATICS FROM THE BIBLE

When Noah's ark had finally come to a rest on top of mount Ararat, and when the waters had receded, Noah and his family - along with all the animals - left the ark, and God told them to be fruitful and multiply upon the earth.

But after all those months under deck on an overcrowded ark, none of the animals was in the mood for sex anymore. Noah, who knew all too well what God could do in his wrath if his creatures were disobedient, got desperate.

So, he tore down one of the ark's masts, cut it into pieces, and built a table out of the logs. Then he told one of the snakes to perform a lascivious dance on top of the table and made all the other animals gather around it. After a while the snake's seductive moves showed an effect: One animal after the other started rocking in the rhythm of the snake's dance, and one after the other sneaked off with its mate to more private places... Finally, the dancing snake and her mate were all alone, and they too disappeared. And Noah was pleased that God's will would be heeded.

Q: What does this story from the book of Genesis teach us about math?

A: When you have to multiply, all you need are a log table and an adder!

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