Tuesday, July 17, 2007

That 4-Letter word: WORK


Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, the following list should help you get on your way...

JOB SEARCH JARGON

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.

CAREER-MINDED:We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

SELF-MOTIVATED:Management won't answer questions

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend

DUTIES WILL VARY:Anyone in the office can boss you around.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:We have a lot of turnover.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.


Human Resources Review

e-mail one:

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

e-mail two

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines
[1, 3, 5, 7,9,11, and 13] for my true assessment of his ability.

Regards,
Project Leader


Down Sizing

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill...

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."


A BIZARRE INTERVIEW TECHNIQUE

A man walks into a building and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization. The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group."

The man says, "Okay."

He is stripped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join. Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away. The man begs for another chance and is given this chance.

The woman walks by again and again the man's bell rings again. The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization."

As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.

No.1049

6 comments:

Scarlet said...

I should always read your blog before an interview. Thank you for your services. :)

Great post!!

aka_Monty said...

HAHA! The one with the penis bells I'd heard before...only it was a test for entry into the priesthood. ;)

"you'd better jack off because I'm late for my bus" made me laugh and laugh and laugh.

Michael said...

Yes I have the competitive salary and flexible hours, dang.

Serena Joy said...

LOL! I just howled at the "bells.":-)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Great Scott! One great story after another. You run through your whole beeswax?

Cheri said...

Thanks for the hysterical post....right up my alley...
LOL