Saturday, August 11, 2007

A Slice of Life

For laughs I decided to use the Blogger widget for Polls. Since it was in the news recently, I asked "In light of the Minneapolis bridge collapse, are you nervous about using bridges now?"
....There were only 8 responses and of those, 5 (62.5%) said "NO," and 3 (37.5%)said "YES."
....Yesterday I saw the results of an identical poll taken on a local news telecast.
Interestingly, their results were exactly the opposite of mine: (62.5%-Yes/37.5%-No). While it's true that there were thousands who took their poll, I was still able to come up with a relevant conclusion:
....Bloggers are braver, less inclined to overact, and more sensible than the general population!

Pollin', pollin', pollin',
Pollin', pollin', pollin',
All lies!
They pollin', pollin', pollin',
Though their heads are swollen,
Keep them fogies pollin', all lies!

It Occurred To Me when I recently picked up a prescription, that our government is fighting the wrong people in the war against drugs!

I just read a curious item in the latest Reader's Digest. I spent a great deal of my youth on my grandparent's farm, but I never knew this.
....If you are in a cow pasture, make sure the beasties are far off. Yell to get their attention and then immediately drop down to the ground and lie flat. Supposedly the entire herd will come galloping over and form a tight circle around you. They will stare down at you with intense bovine curiosity.
....Has anyone ever tried this to confirm if is true?

The Customer is Always Right?

A manager of an electronics shop ordered a part, specifically part number 669, from the factory. When it arrived, he noticed that they'd sent him part number 699 instead.
....He fired off an angry letter and sent the part back. A few days later he received the replacement. It was the same part, with a note attached to the shipping paperwork. It note had these four words: "Turn the box over."

Sometimes it is hard to tell a joke from real life.

When You Gotta Go...

An Alabama teen was at the doctor's office for a routine checkup to get clearance to play football. The nurse handed him a urine sample container and told him to fill it up in the bathroom.
....He returned a few minutes later and handed the nurse an empty container. "I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."

Medicinal Properties of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it was not so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.
...."If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".
....Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked.
...."They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
....She stopped rubbing and asked, "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
....Without missing a beat he said "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

20-20 Vision

Another woman was standing nude looking in her bedroom mirror.
....She said to her husband, "I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

....He replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Little Johnny's Math

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She begrudgingly calls on Little Johnny.
....He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."
....The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
....Then, Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
...The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

....To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

Life and Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whom ever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
....After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word he made contact, 'Connie....Connie. '
....'Is that you, Joe?'
....'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
....'That's wonderful! What's it like?'
....'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'
....'Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!'

'Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona!'


A Kentucky woman who was three months pregnant fell into a deep coma. Six months later she awoke. She asked the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.
...."You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," replied the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named thenm for you."
...."Oh shit, not my brother!" she exclaimed. "He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"
...."Denise," the doctor answered.
....Thinking that wasn't so bad, she asked, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor said, "Denephew."



Peter said...

I thought you were gonna pull a sixtynine joke out of the box for the customer is always right... I suppose you did in a way.

Jack K. said...

Thanks (I do know how to spell. I just don't always proof read befor posting.) for the great stories.

Peter, I'm wondering which joke reminded you of 69. Oh, I get it, Johnny's math. tee hee, guffaw, snerx.

Jackrabbit on an Arizona golf course. Wow.

Rain said...

I love reading your posts in the early morning, it starts the day with a giggle and a smile ;)

Christina said...


Looking forward to the next installment of "Cups Runneth Over".

Miss Cellania said...

Now, why did that woman have to be from Kentucky? Haha~!

Hale McKay said...

Miss C., I guess Neil Diamond said it best:

Kentucky Woman, she shines with her own kind of light..