Thursday, September 13, 2007

50 Ways to Leaf Your Lover

I found the picture at the left a week or so ago. It is a print of Rembrandt's Adam and Eve.

As I was looking at it I kept thinking something wasn't right. After all, who am I to question the artistic prowess of one of history's great artists? But yet ....

Is this a cleverly photo-shopped reproduction of a Master's work? Could it be that Rembrandt himself was in a devilish mood?

I leave it to you. Is it me? Does something - anything look amiss to you in this image?

Never the background. Never mind Adam for that matter. Look at Eve. Is that what it looks like? Look there at the juncture of her legs.

...Is that a.....?

Where Was Eden?

An American, a Frenchman, and a Russian were trying to determine the nationality of Adam and Eve.

The American said, "Adam and Eve were clearly Americans. They had abundant material wealth all around them. For them, it was paradise."

The Frenchman said, "Adam and Eve were French. They were beautiful and had a passionate, loving relationship."

The Russian said, "Adam and Eve were clearly Russians. They were naked, cold, and had only an apple between them to eat. Only a true Soviet would call this paradise!"

Pass the Excedrin

One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth.

He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied "God, what is a kiss?"

God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?"

God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam says, "Lord what is a caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush.

A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next." God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her."

Adam said "Lord, what is to make love?" God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"

Tickle Your Ribs

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You´re running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you´re being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you´re the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in his side. It was Eve poking him about the torso.

"What do you think you´re doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Greatest Gift of All

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"

On and on he went, like an excited little boy who..., well,...had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturation while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here?"

"Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms..."



Phils Phun said...

G'day Mike
Great post
May have to nick a couple of these
Cheers from down under

Jack K. said...

"What's a headache?"

Great post, as usual.


Peter said...

Hi mike, just spent a pleasant half hour catching up on your posts, thanks.

Hale McKay said...

But of course, Phil!

Headache, Jack? If I'm not mistaken it is the antithesis of foreplay.

Hale McKay said...

Glad to be of service, Peter.

wazza said...

Gidday Mike,

Jeees, you're lucky I'm not religious otherwise I wouldn't of been able to "Piss my Pants" laughing at these bloody awful jokes...hahahaha!!!!