A young farm lad from Tennessee goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program ere at the University of Tennessee that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -
they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked,
'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a b*#@ before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)
Father and son were walking hand in hand when they saw two dogs "doing it" in the middle of the street.
The dad got all flustered and told his son that the big brown dog hurt his paw, and the little white dog was helping him across the street.
The boy thought a minute, then looked up and said, "Isn't that just like life? You try to help someone and get screwed!"
HEAT OF THE MOMENT
A little girl asks her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "The dog is in heat, go ask daddy."
The little girl goes to her father,"Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? Mom said the dog is in heat and that I should ask you."
"Hmm." He answers, takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog's butt with it."OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash."
The little girl goes and returns a few minutes later, but with no dog on the leash.
Dad asks, "Where is Susie?"
The little girl says, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block. But another dog is pushing her home."
A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.
"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.
"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."
"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.
"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."
"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
A dog followed his owner to school one day. His owner was a fourth-grader at a public elementary school. When the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it as far as the child's classroom. When the teacher noticed the animal she shooed it out of the class, down the hallways and finally outside of the building.
The dog sat down at the closed doors whimpering. He could not understand why he was refused entry.
Then - God appeared beside the dog, patted him on the head to comfort him and said, "Don't feel bad fella ... they won't let ME in there either."