Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Amber Lake

Legend has it that Amber Lake is haunted. It is said that every year on the tenth night of the tenth month at precisely ten o'clock, a woman's mournful song can be heard wafting in the wind across the waters of the lake.

Bathed in the golden light of the Harvest Moon, the serene pool reflected mirror-like images of objects at its banks. The surface of the cold waters was disturbed near the edge of a small outcropping of rocks and small ringed wavelets gently rippled outward.
She withdrew her fingers which had grazed the glass-like surface. Her reflection was distorted for a moment by the undulations of the passing ripples that faded only a few feet away.

She gazed without shame upon her image, a painting upon the liquid medium, and inhaled deep the crisp autumn air. Her body, unencumbered by raiment seemed to glow as she basked in the lunar light.

If she was aware of the legend it didn't show in her demeanor. Innocent, and yet seductive, she stood proud and without pause dove headlong into the waters. She and her reflection merged as one. As her body disappeared beneath the surface, so too did her reflection upon it.

Her head emerged after several moments ten feet from the ledge where she had been resting before. She relaxed and allowed herself to drift afloat on her back. To an onlooker her bare form might have appeared as an exotic amber island with peaks and valleys awash in the moonlight.

The songs of crickets and the courtship calls of frogs were disturbed by a distant wail of sirens. The surrounding woods became suddenly still as if lifeless. Somewhere beyond the expanse of conifers fingers of light probed the undergrowth.

She tensed for a moment and then swam cautiously to the shore. Emerging from the water, she pulled herself onto the outcropping and tuned her senses to her surroundings. She shivered not from the cold air upon her wet nakedness, but from a foreboding sense of dread.
His desperation was evident from the perspiration that had soaked the prison-issue shirt. The cry of the sirens at his back only fueled his resolve to keep moving. His only chance was to disappear into the deep forested tract before dawn. He looked up and cursed at the full moon which loomed before him above the treetops.
The sirens meant only one thing. They had discovered his empty cell. He knew it was only a matter of time before the guards unleashed their relentless dogs. He had criss-crossed a small stream several times in an attempt to make his scent difficult to follow. He knew, however, that the ploy would confuse the dogs for only so long.

He paused at the edge of a steep embankment. Below he could make out a break in the trees. He was at first confused by what appeared to be two lunar orbs glowing in the night sky. As he descended toward the glen it became apparent that there was a large body of water beyond the trees and one of the moons was but a reflection of the other upon the water's surface.
She shook her head, her long dark hair flying about her neck and shoulders. The sheen of her wet tresses formed a kaleidoscope of several shades of yellows circling her head under the light of the golden moon.
Once he had reached the end of the grade he paused and looked about. Somehow the place where he stood seemed familiar. He wasn't sure how or when, but he had been to that place before.

He heard something beyond the trees in his path. It seemed to be coming from the clearing ahead. He inched forward. Strange, he thought, the sirens in the distance could no longer be heard. There was no baying of hounds. He brushed back a low hanging branch and peered cautiously at the dark body of water before him.
Her song had become caught in her throat and its flight on the autumn breeze ceased. It was a sad song, a song of love lost. She stood and looked around the lake's banks where the light of the moon was lost in the shadows of the trees. Standing with her legs wide apart and her arms stretched above her head she closed her eyes and smiled. Her provocative pose was one of complete surrender.

He was out there. He was so near. At long last he had come for her. They had vowed to meet there on Amber Lake. At that place they would share the most tender acts of love. Once they had merged their bodies and souls beneath the glow of the Harvest Moon, they would then run away together. She raised her hand and gazed upon the engagement ring he had given her.
Surely he was looking upon a goddess standing there naked in the moonlight. Forgotten for the moment was his plight. He seemed unaware of the cacophonous yelps of the approaching dogs. He moved at a slow and deliberate pace around the lake, maneuvering himself to a point behind the young lithe woman. As he emerged from the stand of trees he was driven by the primal lust burning within his loins.
It seemed so long since they'd made their vow. How long she had been waiting she didn't know. It no longer mattered for he was there. He was coming for her to fulfil their destinies. Soon they would be free.
He was upon her before she could turn to face him. He forced her to the ground. It had been ten years since he last been with a woman. There was no time for tenderness. Each thrust of his body met hers with brutal abandon. Oblivious to her cries and screams he tensed as he neared primal release. For a moment he studied her terrified face. She looked somewhat familiar, older perhaps, but yet familiar.

No emotion showed on his vicious countenance as he placed his hands around her neck. There was no hesitation as he began to press his thumbs against her windpipe. Her struggles were no match for the large man's brute strength. She slowly began to succumb. Her limbs relaxed in the throes of near death.

He looked upon his conquest, an evil sneer of confidence and satisfaction etched upon his haggard face. He had never known fear in his life, but he was not prepared for the deathly gaze that looked back at him. The angelic features of the woman were gone. The fair skin of her face was melting away to reveal a skeletal visage. Red embers seemed to be glowing in the empty sockets where the woman's blue eyes had been. Suddenly skinless hands and fingers were clutching at his throat. He screamed in utter terror.
The sheriff entered the clearing to see the escaped convict writhing on his back upon a rock outcropping at the edge of the lake. He had gone ahead when the dogs had lost the trail. He had heard the melancholy song that was said to be heard in those woods. He'd always thought it to be just an urban legend. He hurried to the lake when he'd heard the screams of the man.
He had avoided Amber Lake for all of the ten years since he'd last set foot there. The memories of the tragedy that had occurred there had been too much for him to forget. In many ways, he'd felt responsible. It was the burden of guilt within his heart that had kept him away.

Without warning as he edged closer, the man rolled from the rock into the waters of the lake. For a moment the man had disappeared beneath the surface. He had just reached the spot where the man had fallen when his head and arms erupted from the depths. His face was contorted in great fear. He screamed for help. It sounded like he'd cried out that "she" was holding onto his legs and pulling him under. He screamed once more before sinking below the surface. There was a churning of bubbles, probably the last of the air from his lungs escaping from the depths below.

Later the two men who had volunteered to enter the water in attempt to retrieve the body resurfaced with it in tow. They informed the sheriff that the man's boot laces had become entangled on a sunken tree limb. After the body had been taken away one the men approached the sheriff and dropped something into his hand. They'd found it on one of the small branches of the submerged limb.

The sheriff choked back a sob. It was an engagement ring. It was the ring he himself had given her ten years ago to the day. He had no tears to shed. He'd shed them long ago. The clouded memories cleared before his mind's eye and he was surrounded by some friends at the bar. He wanted to say goodbye to them before he met his sweetheart. They were going to elope that night. He had gotten drunk, too drunk and had passed out.

It was two hours before he'd finally made it to Amber Lake. Still drunk, it was he who had found her floating naked, face down in the lake. She had been raped and strangled. The monster who had committed the act had then tossed her body into the lake. The ring was not found, presumably it had sunk to the murky bottom of the lake.

The man had been captured the next day. He'd seemed only too proud to admit to the girl's rape and murder. Eventually he had been found guilty and sent to the penitentiary on a life sentence with no parole.

With a heavy heart the sheriff was aware of the irony that the man had escaped from prison on the tenth anniversary of the crime. It was even more ironic that he would die at the very rocky outcropping where he had killed the young woman. He wasn't a superstitious man and he had never believed in ghosts before that day.

He stooped near the water's edge and picked a single wild flower. He lowered his head in silent prayer and dropped the flower into the water. He was about to turn away when something caught his eye in the water. For a brief moment he could have sworn he'd seen her face. Her lips seem to stretch into a smile before the image disappeared as the ripples from the flower passed. He smiled in return and looked at the ring clasped in his hand. He nodded and tossed it into the water next to where the flower drifted.
She emerged from the cold waters and climbed onto the rock ourcropping. In the brilliance of the moon light she resumed her vigil. He'd found her lost ring. Sad no longer, a happy song passed through her lips and was borne on the wind into the night. He would come for her as he had promised.
Legend has it that the mournful songs of Amber Lake were heard no more after that night. There is one, however, who claims that a moon-lit woman now sings a cheerful melody. He goes there to listen every year on the tenth night of the tenth month at precisely ten o'clock.

No.1154

Monday, October 29, 2007

The Taxman Cometh and Cometh and ...

I received the following from my brother-in-law, Donald. It would make a good post for April 15. Thanks, Donald.

What in the world happened?

This is so accurate it's not funny. Read to the end.

Tax his land, tax his bed, tax the table at which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,tax his mule, teach him taxes are the rule.

Tax his work, tax his pay, he works for peanuts anyway.

Tax his cow, tax his goat,tax his pants,tax his coat.

Tax his ties,tax his shirt,tax his work,tax his dirt

Tax his tobacco,tax his drink,tax him if he tries to think.

Tax his cigars, tax his beers, if he cries,then tax his tears.

Tax his car,tax his gas,f ind other ways to tax his ass.

Tax all he has then let him know that you won't be done till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers,then tax him some more,tax him till he's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,tax his grave,tax the sod in which he's laid.

Put these words upon his tomb,"Taxes drove me to my doom..."

When he's gone, do not relax, it's time to apply the inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Livestock Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal,State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Nonrecurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nationwas the most prosperous in the world.We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middleclass in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the world happened? Can you spell "politicians!"And I still have to "press 1" for English? I hope this goes around THE USA at least 100 times!!!!! YOU can help it get there! GO AHEAD - - - BE AN AMERICAN !

No.1153

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Merry Thanksgivoween

This is going to be a brief post for the sake of posting. It has been a hustle-bustle kind of day.

A. ~A pizza party at my son-in-law and daughter's house.

B. ~A big football game. The (8-0)Patriots spank the Redskins 52-7.

C. ~The Red Sox complete a World Series Sweep of the Colorado Rockies.

D. ~It is after 1 AM in the morning. Tired - much tired.

E. ~ Goodnight!

No.1152

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Twisted Tricks and Treats

It's almost that time of the year again. Yes, Halloween is just four days away. Don't forget to cull through your candy and separate your favorites. You wouldn't want those Trick-or-Treat brats to get any of the good stuff!
TWICK OR TWEET

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!"

CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

1. You can GET Chocolate.
2. “If you Love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with Chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when It has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate Even in front of you Mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called names.
9. The word ‘Commitment’ doesn’t scare off your chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your work-mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
14. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.
15. Good chocolate is easy to find.
16. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
17. You are never too young or too old to have chocolate.
18. When you have chocolate it doesn’t keep the neighbors awake.
19. With chocolate, size doesn’t matter, it’s always good.
20. You don’t have to beg to get chocolate.
21. You can have chocolate with little kids without being sent to jail.
22. Chocolate doesn’t keep you awake yapping after you’ve had it.
23. You can have chocolate all weekend and still walk ok on Monday morning.
24. It’s easy to find 9 inches of chocolate.
25. When chocolate melts all over your hands its nice to lick it off

BEETHOVEN SYMPHONIES

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
Seven Dwarfs Meet The Pope

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"

Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him!"

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.

Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the Last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey f**ked a penguin, Dopey f**ked a penguin!"


No.1151

Friday, October 26, 2007

Her Cups Runneth Over (13)

This is the thirteenth installment of a short story which began HERE.

A torrid sun; a tropical paradise; a frustrated writer; a cheating wife; a mysterious sultry woman ... the ingredients for a forbidden affair? Or the recipe for murder and the perfect crime?

XXXVII

THE END?

I pushed myself back from the desk and clasped my fingers behind my head staring at the seven characters I had just centered on the screen. It had been one difficult novel to write, but it was finally finished. My publisher and those who will read Her Cups Runneth Over won't know where truth and fiction begin and end. No, only the two of us will know that.

I turned and gazed for a moment at the object on the dresser. It was a grim reminder of the dear departed Eve Earle. Out of respect and in her memory I had written a brief note to the publisher to be placed at the beginning of the book: "Dedicated to my loving wife, Eve, who did not live to see its completion."

Some might think it callous of me to have woven my story around her suicide. It was my way of letting her go with dignity by "bringing her back" from the dead. How else could I have written it without introducing her evil twin sister into the plot? Why not throw the mysterious Nova into the mix?

Ah, yes ... Nova. My heartbeat quickened at just the thought of her. I had been compelled to keep her character mysterious and in the end she and the hero had ridden off together into the sunset. With her help the secret documents had not landed in enemy hands. She had convinced him that he had killed the wrong Eve. She had switched the hypodermic containing the toxin that would have killed him with another filled with nothing but harmless water.

It would be obvious to those who purchased my novel that the evil Eve's escape was but a prelude to another novel - a sequel. Of course, John and Nova retrieved the documents from his computer. The files that he had been unable to open had been planted there by Nova. They had been stunned in disbelief as the cryptic files gave up their secrets. Anyone wishing to cause harm to our country would have paid untold amounts of money for the contents of those files.

How much would someone pay to know the real truth behind the JFK assassination? What would it be worth to learn that there actually was a crashed UFO hidden away in Area 51? Would National Enquirer shell out big bucks to learn that a certain President's children were actually fathered by a very high ranking official of the Roman Catholic Church?

In the end, however, John and Nova had decided that the world did not need to know the contents of those files. They had decided without guilt or hesitation that there was only thing to do with the information. They agreed that the disc had to be destroyed and the files on his computer deleted.

XXXVIII
I walked slowly through the gate door onto the tarmac. The plane was boarding twenty yards from the terminal. As I had done since I'd left my hotel suite, I looked around for just a glimpse of her. I'd peeked inside the lounge. I had checked out drivers and passengers of the vehicles we passed and those that followed the cab. I must have made eye contact with practically every living person I passed inside the terminal.

If Nova knew I was leaving, she made no attempt to contact me. I stopped short of the boarding ladder and scanned the terminal windows and the airport grounds to no avail.
She stood motionless in the shadows of the fuel truck watching him as he boarded the plane. She winced in pain as she shifted her arm in the crude sling. She needed to have the bullet removed soon, but she had to make sure that John boarded that plane. She couldn't rest until the plane had disappeared in the northern sky.
...."Being married to you is giving me a lot of pain, John," she said under her breath. "Lucky for me, you shot the wrong one."

From a different area of shadows, another watched the man, noting that he was alone. She grimaced as the burning pain in her chest reminded her of the mayhem that had taken place in the man's hotel suite. The other bullet wound in her shoulder was almost negligible by comparison.
...."Goodbye, my dear husband," she whispered. "You might as well think I'm dead - for now! "

XXXIX
The first leg of the flight to New York was uneventful but restful and I nearly slept through its entirety. At about one hour before touchdown I awoke and retrieved my laptop from the overhead compartment to review my work. I came across a file I didn't remember. When I tried to open it, I was stymied by a password request.

After several unsuccessful attempts entering possible passwords it dawned upon me that someone else had created the file. Who and why? How had they gained access to my computer?

I reached into my carry on for a pen and a pad of paper. I froze momentarily. There was something in there, something soft and somewhat familiar. I lifted the blue bikini bra from the bag. I held it there for a moment until I noticed a woman in the seat across the aisle from me watching me. I dropped the bra into the bag and winked at her. Red faced she returned her attention to a magazine she had been reading.

"Could it be?" I thought to myself. I typed in the words "blue bikini bra" in the password field and hit the enter key. Mesmerized I watched as the screen came to life. In only a matter of seconds huge chunks of text began scrolling down the screen at high speed.

XL
A month has passed since Her Cups Runneth Over was released and it was sitting atop most of the country's Best Seller lists. I was invited to the offices of my publisher to celebrate my novel's success. They were putting on a big party in my honor.

I had gorged myself on the many selections from the buffet tables that had been set up in a large conference room when a young lady asked if I would like some coffee. I looked up at her and paused speechless. She was stunning, absolutely gorgeous!

Jim Sanders the head of publishing and sales said to me, "You must remember Neva. She's the young woman you sent to us for an interview. You gave her a glowing reference."

I looked at him and back to her and uttered, "Neva?"

She handed me a blue napkin and smiled, "How can I ever thank you enough for helping me get this job?" She turned and said, "I'll be right back with your coffee, Mr. Earle."

I watched her as she disappeared into the next room. The hair was different, but no ... it couldn't be I thought. I started to unfold the napkin to place it in my lap. My face must have turned pale as I shoved it into my lap in one abrupt motion. I turned it over in my lap to make sure my imagination wasn't running wild. My heart skipped a beat as I stared down at the blue bikini bottom!

There was a sudden crash from the next room. I tucked the material into my jacket pocket and strode to the doorway to see the woman trying to soak up the coffee that had spilled from a row of cups. She looked up and said, "Oh dear, it looks like my cups runneth over."

As she bent over the table I couldn't help but notice her ample cleavage and nodded. "Indeed," I said. She knelt down to clean up some of the hot liquid that had begun to drip onto the floor. Her knees parted ever so slightly and I was rewarded with a slight glimpse of her charms, charms conveniently uncovered.

In one silent exchange of pleasantries she accepted my offer to join me for a drink or two after the party. We exchanged discreet glances during the rest of party. There was one moment when she walked by that she looked back at me over her shoulder.

(She was before me on the beach wearing only a blue bikini bottom, the top in her hand at her side and she winked in my direction.)

Tall and tan and young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema goes walking,
And when she passes, each one she passes goes ahh.
I was confident that later that evening I would see first hand ... her cups runneth over!

THE END?

No.1150

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Some Interesting Trivial Facts

When one can't think of anything decent and/or intelligent to write, there are a few choices one can make:

1) - steal something from the Web and give the source credit; 2) - steal something and claim it as one's orginal work; 3) - post a bunch of jokes; 4) - copy and paste something from one's archives; 5) - post tomorrow and post-date it; 6) - have sex; 7) - go to bed; or 8) find some interesting trivial facts and post them to make oneself look smart.

...And the winner is: 8) - I'll post some interesting (?) trivial facts! (The other seven fell through.)

SOME INTERESTING TRIVIAL FACTS

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong

State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33

Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts-Charlemagne, and
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.

No.1149

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

A Woman of Wonder

I experienced a horrible nightmare!

I dreamt that I was a man about to be captured by Wonder Woman! Her golden lasso was twirling above her tiara-ed head.

I knew that any man caught in her rope would have to do her bidding. I would be helpless and would have to obey her every wish. She wanted to capture me. She wanted to make me succumb to her. She wanted me!
Hey! It was MY dream.

I watched her change from her secret identity of Diana Prince into her Wonder Woman duds. She changed inside of her Invisible Robot plane! (Her plane might be invisible, but not so the contents.) I could clearly see her changing inside her Invisible Robot plane!

I watched as she squeezed herself into those tight pants. I watched as she tucked herself into that tight bodice.

Then suddenly she spotted me - the bad voyeur! She bounded out of the plane and gave chase. That's when my dream turned into a nightmare!

It wasn't Diana Prince who had struggled to get into that skimpy super costume! It wasn't the naked body of a voluptuous Amazon that I had been watching.

It wasn't Wonder Woman who was pursuing me. It was Thunder Woman !
She had broken into Wonder Woman's Invisible Robot plane and had stolen Wonder Woman's costume.

It was Rosie O'Donnell!

I only had one chance to survive. I had to change into
Green Lantern
I charged my power ring and recited my oath ...
"In brightest day, in darkest night,
No evil shall escape my sight.
Let those who worship evil's might,
Beware my power - Green lantern's light."
I flew into action and turned my power ring upon the charging behemoth.

"Great Scott!" I cried before expounding several expletives deleted. Her lasso it is golden - it's yellow! My ring , due to a necessary impurity added during its creation, is powerless against anything colored yellow.

I cringed in terror. Suddenly her costume began splitting at its seams. It literally was disintegrating from her body. The terror was gone, replaced with nausea. I was sickened at the sight of her bare skin cascading, influenced no doubt by gravity itself.

Before my eyes her form began to transmute, morphing into a large mass of flesh. Towering above me now loomed the slug-like Jabba the Hut! I was sick, so sick that I was about to hurl ....

I awoke in a pool of sweat! I had been having a bad dream. Bad dream, hell! It was a freaking nightmare! My stomach was on fire. I really did feel like I was going to throw up.

I managed to keep it down, but I had that horrible taste in my mouth. I had never experienced a dream, or a nightmare for that matter, that had actually caused me physical discomfort when I awakened.

Then I realized that it might not have been the dream that had sickened me. You don't suppose that bowl of chili and nachos on the nightstand next to the bed had anything to with it, do you?

Nah. I didn't think so either.

(The drawing above of a hefty Wonder Woman, drawn by Bobby Timony, was lifted from a very funny and original site: BBWW: The Big Beautiful Wonder Woman Blog. Check out the site, I think you'll enjoy it as much as I did.)

No.1148

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Hillary, Happy Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
HILLARY DIANE RODHAM CLINTON (October 26, 1947)

Dear former President Clinton,
I would be honored to sing “Happy Birthday Mrs. President” to your wife.
Marilyn Manson

Dear Mrs. Clinton,
How appropriate, year of the dog.
Happy Birthday anyway,
Monica Lewinsky

Happy B’Day, Hill!
Hef
P.S. I for one like the cleavage.

Happy Birthday Mrs. future President
You know if I was there I would throw the most extravagant party ever for you.
Number one Bundler,
Norman Hsu
Messa County Correctional Facility

Birthady feliz mi bonito.Las rosas rojas estan para ti y los cigarros estan para el “muchacho del amante”.
Tu admirerer scret,
Fidel

Happy Birthday Hillary,
Thanks for your support and taking the time to have dinner with me in the Senate dinning room the other night. I understand that yet again my words got confused. When the waiter asked me how I like my lamb, I did not say, “pushing back,” I said “less fat.”
Your stalwart friend from Idaho ,
Larry Craig

A very Happy Birthday Senator Clinton.
You know you can count on me and my white Bronco to knife my way through Miami traffic when you’re campaigning in Florida .
Orenthal James Simpson

Happy Birthday, there, Hillary,
If you ever get a proclivity to Greek love, I’ll be there for ya.
Gamma Alpha Upsilon,
Rosie O’Donnell

Happy Birthday/Bonne fete
Sincerely,
Stephen J. Harper
The Loonie Prime Minister of Canada ,

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
476 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington , DC 20510

Dear Senator Clinton,
We endorse your 60th birthday.

Arthur Sulzberger Jr, Publisher
New York Times
Joan Blades & Wes Boyd
MoveOn .org

Dear Senator Clinton,
Best wishes on your 60th.I hope you enjoy my Thighmaster Gold, to keep you tone and fit, just place it between your legs and squeeze.
Suzanne Somers

Happy Birthday,Hillary
hope you and Bill enjoy this vintage (spring ’07) bottle of Blue Nun.
Ted
The Betty Ford Clinic

Dear Senator Clinton,
Many happy returns of the day,
Please, enjoy these flip flops next time you’re walking the sands of Iraq .
Respectively,
General David Petraus

Happy Birthday Hillary,
Where, have the years gone? Gosh, it only seems like yesterday when you were on CBS’ 60 Minutes and said: “I’m not sitting here like some little woman ‘standing by my man’ like Tammy Wynette.”
Love,
Michelle Obama

Happy 62nd Birthday,
That’s right, we know, you were born in 1945 to a Walloon mother and a Flemish father while they were attending the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow . They disappeared in 1959 during the Leopoldville riots in the Belgian Congo . You were flown on Trans Canada Airlines flight 1618 to Gander , Newfoundland in the spring of 1960 and came to the US at the small border crossing of Coburn Gore, Maine , disguised as a member of The Girls Choir of Harlem. The complete story will be in next month’s issue of Redbook, available on newstands November 8th.
Better living through truth,
The vast right-wing conspiracy

I received the above birthday wishes to Hillary Clinton from John (JAB) - THANKS A BUNCH, JOHN. Well I liked them so much, I decided to try to come up with a few of my own!

Happy Birthday Hill Honey,
I saw the one from Fidel. If you don't want the cigars, I'll put them to good use.
Love, Bubba.

Happy Birthday Hilly,
60 candles eh? Have you ever had hot candle wax dripped onto your body? I would be happy to demonstrate my technique to you sometime.
Ellen Degeneres

Happy Birthday Senator Hillary Clinton,
I would like you to consider appearing on my TV program. Before a live studio audience and millions of viewers at home we can discuss your character flaws. There is probably some latent memory from your childhood that has caused you to develop this "I'm better than everyone else" attitude. With my help, maybe we can make you more likable and who knows, maybe even electable.
Dr. Phil

Happy Birthday Senator BITCH,
Even though you abandoned me and pawned me off onto someone else, I harbor no ill feelings. I am better fed and treated much better than when I lived with you and that jerk of a husband and his stupid dog. I scooped up a present from my box especially for you.
Former White House pet,
Socks

Dear former President Clinton,
I commend your choice of the daring lingerie items you have ordered for your wife's 60th birthday. But a size three? Are these items for your wife or someone else? You should consider sizes more like sevens or eights. Unfortunately, the items you ordered don't come that large. Perhaps you should consider placing your order with the Cedar Rapids Burlap Company.
Sales Manager,
Victoria's Secret

No.1147

Monday, October 22, 2007

Spook When You're Spookin' To

SCARY



Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.

8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else, you already are.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.

4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.

1. If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!

SCARIER



Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

3. One usually makes a better pie.

4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.


No.1146

Sunday, October 21, 2007

A Sporting Guy Am I

What a satisfying day for a Boston sports fan, in which numbers I can be counted!

The undefeated (7-0) New England Patriots squished the Fish (Miami Dolphins) 49-28! After trailing 3 games to 1, the Red Sox won 3 in a row and knocked off the Cleveland Indians to win the American League Championship Series for the right to go their second Word Series since 2004.

The Boston College Eagles are undefeated and ranked number two in the country. We are excited about next month's start of the Boston Celtics' season. The addition of Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett to hit the floor with Paul Pierce has given us thoughts of going far into the NBA's post season.

None of this excitement has been lost on my wife. Another World Series? Another possible Super Bowl appearance? Now you're telling the Celtics are going to be good again? The next thing - you're going to tell me the Bruins are going be good too!

I tried to make her feel a "little" better when I answered, "Bruins Hockey? Don't worry. I don't watch any so-called sport that's played on a Figure Skating rink!

A friend said to me,"My wife thinks I put football before marriage, even though we just celebrated our third season together."

I'm tired, it's late and I have to work tomorrow. So here's a few sports-related jokes:

Football Wedding

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"


Football Math Test

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Baseball in Heaven

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."

No.1145

Saturday, October 20, 2007

This Looks Like a Good Place For a Pick-up

Having trouble getting dates? Tired of going home alone? As a public service, here are some pick-up lines guaranteed to get results!*

Are you a gardener? 'Cos I want to put your tulips and my 2 lips together.

Are you a surgeon? Cause you just took my heart away.

Are your pants from outer space? Cause your butt is out of this world.

Are your parents retarded? 'cause you sure are special.

Be unique, say yes.

Can I borrow your phone number? I seemed to have lost mine.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

Did you fart? Cause you just blew me away.

Do you have a library card? 'Cause I'd like to check you out.

Do you work for UPS? 'Cause I swear I saw you checking out my package!

Excuse me but I think I dropped something...My jaw!

Girl are you tired? Coz you've been running through my mind all day.

Hey baby, you must be a sweater, 'cos you got me feeling warm all over.

Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'Cos you're really good at raising cocks.

I lost my teddy bear will you sleep with me?

If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as this one?

If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

If you were a booger I would pick you first.

I'm new in town could I have directions to your house?

Is that dress felt ? Would you like it to be?

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

Is your dad a terrorist? Coz you da bomb!

Its not my fault I fell in love. You tripped me.

Lets play battleship. I'll show you my destroyer.

Lets play house, you be the screen door and I'll bang you all night long.

Lets play Pearl Harbor, I lay down and you blow me to heaven.

Mind if I stand here until its safe where I farted?

My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.

Nice legs, what time do they open?

Sex is like Pringles: Once you pop you just can't stop.

The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my crib and spread the word.

We better get you out of those wet clothes.

Would you like to Austrailian kiss. Its like French Kissing but Down Under.

You know, Im not wearing any pants.

You remind me of my Grandma except I haven't slept with you yet.

You're last name should be Campbells, cus your mmmm... GOOD

You're like a prize large-mouth bass... I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.

You've been naughty. Go to my room.

You're like milk. I want to make you part of my complete breakfast.



*Hey, I didn't say they would have "positive" results!

No.1144

Friday, October 19, 2007

Her Cups Runneth Over (12)


This is the twelfth installment of a short story which began HERE.

A torrid sun; a tropical paradise; a frustrated writer; a cheating wife; a mysterious sultry woman ... the ingredients for a forbidden affair? Or the recipe for murder and the perfect crime?

XXXV

I could hear their voices. Eve was telling me what had been happening for the last two days. Then Nova's seductive voice filled me in on some other details. It was dark and I could see nothing. I couldn't move, for I seemed to be bound to a chair. I couldn't speak. I could only listen. I could never have imagined such skulduggery. The story they told me was so fantastic that it had to be true.
~~~Eve: John, I'm so sorry you got caught up in all of this. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. It was supposed to be a simple exchange - a lot of cash for some top secret documents. I'm afraid I cannot divulge the nature of those documents, not even to you, my ... husband. That's where Nova came in.
~~~Nova: It was my job to...ah...to keep you occupied. First, I had to get your attention. You did notice me on the beach, didn't you? Once the exchange had been set up, I had to make sure you that you did not cross paths with your...wife. That meant I had to 'pick you up' in the lounge that night.
~~~Eve: Dear husband, even though it was unscripted, you played your part perfectly. What frustrated husband, knowing his wife was out 'picking up' bed partners, wouldn't have jumped at the advancements of a gorgeous woman wanting to jump his bones?
~~~Nova: Why thank you, Eve. Coming from such a voluptuous gal as you, I consider that a compliment.
I managed a long moan. Was I so transparent? This frustrated husband had been set up. They had played and preyed upon my sense of betrayal. My weakness, the primal sexual libido and drive of the human male had made me an easy target for their scheme. I had been nothing but a pawn in their game. What was their game?
~~~Eve: John, forgive me...forgive us, but it became necessary when she showed up out of nowhere. I know you want to know and need to know who she is and why we look so much alike. For now I'll tell you this, she was your wife...and I am your wife! I'm the one you met ten years ago. She's the one you married the next day and the one who flew home with you. I'm the one with whom you renewed the wedding vows five years later. She's the one who accompanied you on this vacation. You see you have been intimate, in love with and married to twin sisters!
XXXVI

I strained at the bonds holding me in place. The rage was welling within me! I wanted at that moment to do nothing short of smashing my fists into their beautiful faces. I had wanted answers, but this was a question I had not asked. That knowledge was something I didn't need then, although I doubted that I would ever want to hear it. When was the right time to find that one, even without his own knowledge, was a bigamist?

My head was filled with a firestorm of images from the past. Which one was I with for our first Thanksgiving together? Our first Christmas? Which one gave me oral sex from underneath a table in that fancy restaurant? Which one of them was it with whom I had made love to on the hood of our car while rush hour traffic had been speeding by?

All the while those thoughts were coursing through my brain, the two women continued their incredible story of espionage and deceit. To keep from going stark raving mad, I designated the two Eves as A and B. The one who came with me to this island resort was Eve A, and the one holding me prisoner with her accomplice Nova was Eve B. The designations did in no way reveal which was which, but at least it afforded me a point of reference.

I hesitated to consider one as the Evil Eve and the other as the Good Eve, simply because I had no way of knowing one way or the other. It was certain however, that what ever the game was, they were both playing from opposite sides of the fence. The burning question tormented me; which one had I shot and killed?

Apparently both Eves were after those secret documents. The appearance of a second Eve had thrown a monkey wrench into the words jeopardizing the exchange. A coded message had been drawn up by Nova to warn Eve B about Eve A. Nova's cover as a maid employed by the hotel had given her access to my suite. She hid the note and the blue bra of her bikini in the drawer containing Eve's underwear.

Intrigued, I listened as Nova explained that the 'wrong' Eve had found the note. She then moved the bra to my dresser. Her intentions had been all too clear to Nova. Eve A had decided that her sister was expendable. The bra in my drawer was intended to implicate me as her killer.

An apologetic tone came over Nova's voice when she stated that, unnoticed she had slipped a 'mickey' into my drink while we were sitting at the table in the lounge. My ego took another blow when she said that I had passed out in the bed from the effects of the combination of alcohol and the drug. Of what may or may not have happened, she didn't elaborate.

With me indisposed she then had hurried to the site of the exchange knowing that Eve B was in danger. Once she had found her, they had changed clothes in the event that Eve A showed up for the exchange. They couldn't let the man see two identical looking women. The documents dealer was expecting a woman dressed in a white blouse and leather mini-skirt. As a final arrangement to know that she was no undercover stand-in, the man had insisted that she not wear any underpants. Nova had removed her blue bikini bottom and given it to Eve to complete the disguise.

Eve B crossed the street and hid in the shadows of an alley while Nova proceeded to the designated door to complete the exchange. To their horror when the door opened there stood Eve A dressed in a white blouse, leather mini-skirt and no doubt sans underwear.

Eve A reached for a pistol that had been previously hidden behind the wheel of a trash dumpster. The gun was gone! In the next moment Naismith emerged from the shadows with the gun pressed against the small of her back. He pushed her across the street to where Eve A was holding a gun to Nova's forhead. Behind her, his face hidden beneath the shadow of the brim of a fedora, stood the dealer in obvious distress.

Naismith stunned Eve B by striking the back of her head with the butt of the pistol. He carried her upstairs to a balcony overlooking the street where he and the dealer then removed her blue underpants. As she lay there barely conscious Naismith tied on the pants to a wrought iron railing of the balcony. Then the two men lifted her and forced her head into the leg of the pants. Without further thought they lifted her and dropped her motionless form over the balcony.

Before they had a chance to take any action against Nova, a siren was heard fast approaching. The police car screeched to halt beneath Nova's dangling feet. In a matter of seconds the trio scrambled into the night through a back door.

I heard a shuffling of feet and knew that Eve was approaching. "John my dear, that pretty much brings you up to date," she said. "As you no doubt have guessed by now, my death was faked. Nova went into hiding. The local police have been working with the agency. We had it make it look real to them. You see, my dear sweet sister pulled a fast one on them and stole the document from under their noses. And she has our money."

It was Nova who spoke next, "They are after me too. They know about me and you. We were seen together. That John, is the reason that you too are in danger."

Eve spoke again, "That is why you must be taken out of the picture. You won't remember any of this after today. In fact, you won't be around to see this thing played out to its end."

There was a sudden sharp sting in my arm as the needle pierced the vein. I cried out as she yanked the duct tape from my mouth. She leaned forth and placed her lips upon mine. She then tugged gently the material that had been covering my eyes. Partially blinded by the sudden presence of bright light from an overhead fixture, I struggled to keep my eyes open. I felt sleep coming rapidly. The last thing I saw, dangling in her hand inches above my face, was the material that had covered my eyes ... a blue bikini bra.

To be continued.... HERE.

No.1143

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Rarefied Air of Humility

In the rarefied air of humility this Blogger will today shelve the humor to pay his respects to those who have passed from these earthly bonds.


Deborah Kerr, 86 (1921-2007)
Kerr, pictured above starred as Anna opposite Yul Brynner in a scene from "The King and I."

Deborah Kerr is best remembered for her famous beach scene with Burt Lancaster in the film "From Here To Eternity." Though tame buy today's standards, the sight of the couple lip-locked while lying in the sand as the ocean tide swirled about them, shocked movie-goers at the time.

She also starred in "An Affair To Remember" with Cary Grant. Its theme copied many time over the years, the film is considered to be the greatest tear-jerker 'chick flick' of all time. It not only inspired but was used in the plot of the Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan movie "Sleepless In Seattle."

Joey Bishop, 89 (1918-2007)
The last surviving member of The Rat Pack has passed away.

Pictured at the far right, Bishop poses with fellow Rat Packers in front of the marquis sign of The Sands in a picture probably taken as publicity for the original "Ocean's Eleven" film.

Pictured from the left: Frank Sinatra died in 1998; Dean Martin, 1995; Sammy Davis, Jr. in 1990; Peter Lawford, 1984; and Bishop.

Known by the sobriquet of "The Frown Prince," Bishop wrote most of the jokes featured in the Rat Pack's ad libbed routines at The Sands in Las Vegas.

He was the "regular" substitute on The Tonight Show after jack paar left the job and before NBC hired Johnny Carson.

Teresa Brewer, 76 (1931-2007)
Teresa Brewer was a popular songstress of the 50s. During her career she performed with many giants of the music world, including band leaders Count Basie, Duke Ellington and Dizzie Gillespie.

Her many hit records included Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall, Bell Bottom Blues, Music! Music! Music! (her signature song), Till I Waltz Again (her biggest hit), Baby, Baby, Baby, and Dancin' With Someone. She recorded nearly 600 songs and has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Carol Bruce, 87 (1919-2007)

I have to admit that I did not recognize the name of this actress when I saw the death notice in the newspaper. From the picture her face seemed familiar but I couldn't place her.

The article named her as the actress who portrayed Mama Carlton on the TV program WKRP, Cincinnati. That was from where I remembered her. I realized that I knew virtually nothing else about her. I learned that she appeared in 1979's American Gigolo and the 1987 film, Planes, Trains & Automobiles. She made her screen debut in 1941 in the Abbott & Costello vehicle, Keep 'Em Flying. She preferred acting live and as such most of her work was done on stage in plays and musicals, such as Show Boat and Annie Get Your Gun.

In that rarefied air of humility, I have observed a moment of silence and wish well the surviving friends and families of these fallen stars.

No.1142

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Piece of Mind

Union Rules & Hookers----


A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.


"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."



One Day at the Cat House...

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house.
When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her ladies on these two old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she jumped up and flew out the window!"


FORE Play?

A wealthy man fell in love with a prostitute and he asked her to marry him. Knowing that the man was rich and she'd never have to work in a brothel again, she readily accepted.

The couple had just arrived at the hotel to begin their honeymoon, when the bride said to him, "I have something to do. I have to meet someone. It was arranged for this exact date before you proposed to me. Would you mind waiting for me in our suite and I'll meet you there shortly?"

He agreed reluctantly. He wasn't pleased, but he didn't want to fight on their honeymoon. So he retired to the honeymoon suite and awaited her return. Finally after nearly two hours had passed she arrived at the door to the suite.

Finally after they had both prepared themselves they were lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make ... I had to meet with a man."

The husband replieds, "That's okay. An old friend?"

The wife continues, "No, an old customer. He paid me six months ago for this day when he was next going to be in town. This will never happen again. Please forgive me, but I turned a trick with the guy. "

The man was not happy but reminded himself that his new bride had been a 'professional' woman. "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The husband then slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"NO! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!


No.1141

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Two More Hollywood Heroes

Back on 10/1 of this month I posted an article I had received from my brother-in-law, Donald, about Hollywood WWII Heroes. (Click on the link to read the post if you missed it.)

Donald has sent me another e-mail on the same subject. I found this one even more interesting than the one linked above. Not only is it interesting, but surprising also.

You Would Never Have Guessed

Captain Kangaroo passed away on January 23, 2004 as age 76 , which is odd, because he always looked to be 76. (DOB: 6/27/27 ) His death reminded me of the following story.

Some people have been a bit offended that the actor, Lee Marvin, is buried in a grave alongside 3- and 4-star generals at Arlington National Cemetery . His marker gives his name, rank (PVT) and service (USMC). Nothing else. Here's a guy who was only a famous movie star who served his time, why the heck does he rate burial with these guys? Well, following is the amazing answer:

I always liked Lee Marvin, but didn't know the extent of his Corps experiences.

In a time when many Hollywood stars served their country in the armed forces often in rear echelon posts where they were carefully protected, only to be trotted out to perform for the cameras in war bond promotions, Lee Marvin was a genuine hero. He won the Navy Cross at Iwo Jima . There is only one higher Naval award... the Medal Of Honor!

If that is a surprising comment on the true character of the man, he credits his sergeant with an even greater show of bravery.

Dialog from 'The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson': His guest was Lee Marvin. Johnny said, 'Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware that you were a Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima ...and that during the course of that action you earned the Navy Cross and were severely wounded.'

'Yeah, yeah... I got shot square in the bottom and they gave me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up Suribachi. Bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain is guys getting' shot hauling you down. But,Johnny, at Iwo I served under the bravest man I ever knew... We both got the Cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison. That dumb guy actually stood up on Red beach and directed his troops to move forward and get the hell off the beach. Bullets flying by, with mortar rounds landing everywhere and he stood there as the main target of gunfire so that he could get his men to safety. He did this on more than one occasion because his men's safety was more important than his own life.

That Sergeant and I have been lifelong friends. When they brought me off Suribachi we passed the Sergeant and he lit a smoke and passed it to me, lying on my belly on the litter and said, 'Where'd they get you Lee?' 'Well Bob... if you make it home before me, tell Mom to sell the outhouse!'Johnny, I'm not lying, Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest man I ever knew.
The Sergeant's name is Bob Keeshan. You and the world know him as Captain Kangaroo.'

On another note, there was this wimpy little man (who just passed away) on PBS, gentle and quiet. Mr. Rogers is another of those you would least suspect of being anything but what he now portrays to our youth. But Mr. Rogers was a U.S. Navy Seal, combat-proven in Vietnam with over twenty-five confirmed kills to his name. He wore a long-sleeved sweater on TV, to cover the many tattoos on his forearm and biceps. He was a master in small arms and hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm or kill in a heartbeat.

After the war Mr. Rogers became an ordained Presbyterian minister and therefore a pacifist. Vowing to never harm another human and also dedicating the rest of his life to trying to help lead children on the right path in life. He hid away the tattoos and his past life and won our hearts with his quiet wit and charm.

America's real heroes don't flaunt what they did; they quietly go about their day-to-day lives, doing what they do best. They earned our respect and the freedoms that we all enjoy.

Look around and see if you can find one of those heroes in your midst.
Often, they are the ones you'd least suspect, but would most like to have on your side if anything ever happened.

Take the time to thank anyone that has fought for our freedom. With encouragement they could be the next Captain Kangaroo or Mr.Rogers.

I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did, and that you learned something new.

No.1140

Monday, October 15, 2007

Some More of Earl's Pearls

FOR MEN ONLY

I found this really neat game for men only. Fellas it is probably the greatest game ever designed to improve your concentration. You gotta give it a shot!

Ladies, DO NOT click on the link - it is for MEN ONLY!

GUYS ONLY click on CONCENTRATION for a one-of-a-kind mind exercise. Men, make sure your Significant Other doesn't see this.

AHA! I see that some of you gals went ahead and clicked on the link, didn't you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These Boots Are Made For Gawking

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, were vacationing in California. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope," she replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Getting Things Straight

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

School Lesson

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother about her day.

"Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(A tip of the hat to my buddy Earl for this collection of humor.)

No.1139

Sunday, October 14, 2007

...And Now A Word From Our Sponsors

Commercials! You either love them or hate them - but mostly hate them. Because of their redundancy and frequency, commercials have left indelible images in our collective minds.

Over time I might forget Mr. Whipple, but not the Charmin he was touting. Some of you might be too young to remember him, but I'll bet that more than once you've heard the catchphrase, "Please don't squeeze the Charmin."

I could write a lengthy and nostalgic piece about the hundreds of products and the memorable characters featured in the commercials of the past, but I'm not going there. This post has more to do with contemporary advertisements, and the fault I find with them.

I would be remiss if I didn't begin with those prescription drug ads. You've seen them! They are the ones where the featured 'medicine' has more side effects than the applications for which they are designed.
....(It is reassuring that a product sprayed into my nostrils for a stuffy head may cause dizziness, nose bleed, or even death in some cases. I'm told to ask my doctor if the stuff is right for me. Good grief! The doctors are paid by the pharmaceutical companies to pimp the product - of course they're going to say it's safe!)

I cannot ignore those ads about erectile dysfunction either. Don't you just love how they hint at sex with obvious metaphors and innuendos?
....(Spare us, I say. Put some hardcore XXX action in the ads! They'll earn more than enough money for their pockets and to pay for the FCC fines.)

Then there are the ads for similar erectile products that not only promise satisfaction, but also suggest there is a possibility of erections lasting for four hours or more. If this occurs we are told to notify our physician immediately.
....(Ha! Like the average male is going to rush straight away to the doctor! More likely than not, it'll be the wife dragging his sorry ass to the doc because she wants to get some sleep!)

How about those ads for all those patriotic sales on Memorial Day?
....(Yeah, let's honor those who gave their lives for our freedom by flocking to the stores and buying products made in Asian sweatshops.)

Ah yes, those Bowflex products and their ilk! Those men and women with those amazing physiques sure look great.
....(Does anyone with a half a brain really think those people got in that shape from dicking around with flexible graphite rods for only 20 minutes three times a week?)

I see plenty of beer and liquor commercials. I grin when they urge us to drink responsibly.
....(Truth is, they know we won't. If we drank responsibly, they'd lose a ton of sales, wouldn't they?)

According to those Visa commercials, using cash impedes our spending power. They prove it when some jerk produces cash to pay for his purchase and thus causes everything to move in slow motion. Apparently purchases can be processed faster if we use their credit card.
....(It wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that if we paid cash, they would be unable to charge us an additional 21.875%, would it?)

Have you seen those Doritos ads, especially those aired during the Super Bowl, which feature all those stacked well-toned hotties in those skimpy bikinis chomping away on the product?
....(Curiously, none of the women I've ever seen chowing down on Doritos look anything like that!)

Auto manufacturers love to boast of how well their cars, trucks and SUVs perform. It's a great marketing angle to show potential buyers all the cool things they can do with the vehicles.
....(Now isn't it interesting that a disclaimer appears at the bottom of your TV screen: "Professional drivers on a controlled course." In other words, don't try this.)

Huge oil companies spend 'mucho dineros' on TV spots telling us how much they care about the environment.
....(Why not spend some of that money towards cleaning up the pollution their products create?)

Some commercials are redundant, like those that air during NASCAR races.
....(Why not show the entire races without interruption? After all, the damned cars are plastered with product logos.)

I have noticed that Geico has featured a gecko (with two different voices), socially dysfunctional cavemen, high-fiving squirrels, celebrities and most recently, the Flintstones and Jed Clampett in their frequently airing commercials.
....(Should I be instilled with confidence in an insurance company that can't commit to one ad campaign? How can I be sure their rates are fair and will remain so?)

There you have it, my dirty dozen examples of some contemporary advertisements. Of course they wouldn't be running these commercials if no one were buying their products or using their services.

....And now a word from my sponsor. This Blog was brought to you by the fine people at Blogger.

No.1138

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Gore the Bore & and a Nobel Score

What a joke!

This has got to be the most laughable award presentation since Liza Minnelli (Cabaret) was given the Oscar over a more-deserving Diana Ross (Lady Sings the Blues). It's the biggest fix since the Florida vote-tampering scandal. Hmmm ... Payback?

The scary part is the possible opportunity that has been opened for Gore the Bore. With just a word of commitment, overnight he would become the front-runner for the Democratic nomination to run for the White House. Sorry, Hillary! Time to get back in the kitchen and rattle those pots and pans!

Why do I think there was a fix regarding this year's Nobel Prize? All one has to is to take a gander at the competition. Who was he up against? A stellar lineup this one was (save for your laughter until the end of the list): Tony Blair, Oprah Winfrey, Rush Limbaugh, Bono of U2, a couple of insignificant world leaders, and our dear President, Dubya himself ! Why didn't they just Fed-Ex it to him and not bother with an asinine award ceremony? By the way, I understand Dubya is demanding a recount!
Except in satires or parodies I don't usually post about politics, but sometimes certain things just stick in my craw! Not only was it sad that the Hollywood butt-kissers nominated his film, they even gave it to him!

That Oscar (An Inconvenient Truth) is still churning behind my belt! Based loosely on fact, scarcely none of which was used in the film, Gore's movie was riddled with mistakes and half-truths.
Gore: Expect 20-foot sea-level rises in this century.
Qualified Scientists: Expect 1.5-foot sea-level rises in this century.

Gore: There will be a significant rise in the number of heat-related deaths due to global warming.
Qualified Scientists: There will 400,000 heat-related deaths by 2050. In the same period there will be 1.8 million fewer winter-related deaths due to the warmer temperatures.

Gore: World leaders must get together and spend billions of dollars to cut carbon dioxide emissions. (So what if he drives SUVs?)
Qualified Scientists: World leaders must get together to feed the population. Policies like supplying nutrients to the malnourished are 5,000 times more effective than spending billions on reducing carbon emissions.

Gore: Carbon emissions are the cause of global warming.
Qualified Scientists: Wrong, moose breath! Global warming is cyclic, occurring every 20 to 50 thousand years.

Gore: I invented the Internet!
Qualified Scientists: Bull shit!

Gore: I won a Nobel Prize.
Qualified Scientists: We know, you're sharing it with us.
On a less serious and more positive note:

A big-shot politician and slum lord named Al Gore had to spent a few days in the hospital due to campaign stress. Al Gore was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his campaign staff. None of the hospital workers wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into Al's room and announced, "Mr. Gore I have to take your temperature."
....After complaining for several minutes, Al finally settled down, and crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No Mr. Gore, I'm sorry", the nurse said, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but Al finally rolled over and bared his fat behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, Al heard her announce, "I have to get something, now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
....She leaves the door to Al's room open on her way out. Al curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, Al Gore's doctor comes into the room.
...."What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
....Angrily, Al Gore answers. "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
....After a pause, the doctor replies. "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

Not too sure if it's true, but it's good for politicking around ... Maybe Snopes knows (Thanks, Earl)
Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars,cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me,and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!
You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.
Have you seen the latest campaign button? (Thanks again, Earl)


No.1137