Spook When You're Spookin' To

SCARY

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.

8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else, you already are.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.

4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.

1. If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!

SCARIER



Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

3. One usually makes a better pie.

4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

No.1146

Halloween Carols

It Occurred to me ... (Now where have I heard that before?) ... Ahem, anyway, it occurred to me that Halloween has become as popular as Christmas when it comes to decorations and yard displays.

Christmas, however, has one thing that Halloween does not - carols. Far be it for me not to try to remedy that oversight. Not being in the slightest musically inclined, I had to resort to "borrowing" the tunes from some well known Christmas carols.

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Halloween

It's beginning to look a lot like like Halloween

Everywhere you go;

Take a look in the five-and-ten flowing once again

With candy corn and spooky skulls aglow.

It's beginning to look a lot like Halloween,

Candy in every store;

But the scariest sight to see are the kids who will be

Knocking on your front door.

Hmmm ... not bad. I think I can do better. I just had a thought. Don't worry, it's like lightning - never twice in the same place. Seeing that Halloween and the elections are so close together and that both can be quite scary, I feel a Halloween-Election song coming on ...

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Said the mummy to the little gnome,
Do you see what I see?
Way up the street, little gnome,
Do you see what I see?
A ghost, a ghost, dancing in the street
With its eyes cut in a sheet,
With its eyes cut in a sheet.

Said the little gnome to Snow White,
Do you hear what I hear?
Crying up the street, Snow White,
Do you hear what I hear?
A scream, a scream, carried in the breeze
With a voice as scary as can be,
With a voice as scary as can be.

Said little Snow White to King Bush,
Do you know what I know?
In that house over there, King Bush,
Do you know what I know?
Candy, candy, awaits us in that house,
Let us go and ring the bell,
Let us go and ring the bell.

Said King Bush to the people everywhere,
Listen to what I say.
There will be peace, people everywhere,
Listen to what I say,
Over there in Iraq, cross your fingers tight,
I will bring us peace and end the war,
I will bring us peace and end the war.

Said the people to mighty King Bush,
You listen to what we say!
We'll put Democrats in, mighty King Bush,
So, listen to what we say.
A change, a change, with no more tricks,
He'll bring us candy and treats,
He'll bring us candy and treats.

Don't forget to turn your clocks back tonight, folks! Of course, you can do like I do - wait until I get up and do it tomorrow.

No.783

Only If You Dare...

Cumin Soon

I'd like to take this time to announce that I have ventured into the realm of suspense once again. With Halloween not far off, I thought it would be appropriate to spin a yarn about that special night that occurs on the 31st of every October.

The tale will be published in three parts, the first of which will appear on Tuesday, October 17. Part two will be posted the following Tuesday, the 24th. Finally, the third and final installment will be available for your reading pleasure on Tuesday, October the 31st, which just happens to be Halloween.
The name of this tale? Helloween

To lighten the suspense, how about a little Halloween humor?

So two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.
...."I'll jave a glass of blood," said the first one.
...."And I'll have a glass of plasma," said the other.
...."Okay," replied the bartender. "That'll be one blood and one blood lite."
(It's okay to laugh!)

So, this skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop."
(I can see that you are laughing in the aisles!)

Top Ten Reasons Trick-or-Treating Is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
-9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
-8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
-7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
-6. The person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
-5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
-4. If you wear a Batman mask and cape, no one thinks you're kinky.
-3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
-2. There is less guilt the next morning.
.......And the # 1 reason Trick-or-Treating is better than sex:
-1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

Madam, I'm Adam

A guy goes to a costume shop and says to the girl behind the counter, "I'm going to a costume party as Adam and I need a fig leaf."
....The girl goes out back and comes back with a fig leaf.
....He says, "That's not big enough!"
....She returns with a bigger fig leaf.
....He says, "Still not big enough!"
....Finally she returns with a huge fig leaf.
....Once again he says, "Still not big enough!"
....She says to the guy, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

Peter, you will notice that I saved the best one for last!

No.772

Friday 13 blog joke day

Peter came up with this idea for a joke meme. Now for the record, it isn't really a meme - because Peter doesn't do memes. The idea of this meme, which isn't a meme, is for all those who participate to copy his starter joke and then add one of their own on their Friday the 13th post.

...The starter joke follows:

A blind man and his guide elephant enter a bar and find their way to a stool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the man yells to the bartender, “Hey , you wanna hear a blond joke?”
....The bar falls quiet. In a deep husky voice, the woman next to him says; “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 1.82 tall, 90kg blonde with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and she’s a weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and she’s a pro-wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”
....The man says; “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Remember, don't call this a meme. Peter doesn't do memes. In fact, if I thought it was a meme I wouldn't participate either.

....Following is the joke I have decided to add to post for this meme. (I know, it isn't a meme.) Since Halloween is approaching, I decided to use a joke with that theme. I took it one step further and added an appropriate cartoon.

Halloween Party

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
....She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
...."He says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have anal sex with a nun."
....She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.
...."The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
....The nun says, "Okay, pull into the next alley."
....He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
...."My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
...."Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
....The nun says, "That's Okay. My name is Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

Okay, there's my contribution to the blog joke meme, which is not a meme by the way. (LIke Peter, I chose not to use a blond(e) joke.) Now I'm going on over to Peter's site to check out his comments and in turn go read other Blogger's memes posts on this idea. YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED IF YOU DO THE SAME.

No.771

Laura Microsoft Womb Tomb Raider

In a post not long ago, Karla asked for help from her readers for ideas for a Halloween costume she could wear this year. I thought I could suggest Laura Croft to her.
....After thinking about it, maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea. Her Laura would most assuredly be a sexy one, and as such there will be plenty of men wanting to raid her womb tomb.

Of course, I am making an assumption that she wants a costume that exudes sexiness. So that will probably rule out standing on a fan grating dressed as Betty Boop.
....I am remiss in that I don't know if she is going to a party for adults, or if she is simply going to dress up to give out candy to the trick or treaters that come to her door.

....My next suggestion is for Jules. It's an updated version of the Bride of Frankenstein. It would not be appropriate for the kiddies, but she would draw more than a few glances in the company of adults. Chances are she could garner a few date requests because only the mask would be fake.

Of course, I would don a costume of some kind (the doctor) if she were giving out candy at her door in this outfit. I'm afraid however, that I'd be saying trick or trick! (Of course I'm kidding, Jules. I'd be at the back door. Wouldn't want the neighbors to get the wrong idea!)

Now what costume would I suggest for that other sexy Okie, Monty ? From the melodious voice I've heard on her radio show, I say she shoud be decked out in something that looks cuddly and huggable. She would be svelte and demure.
....I'm partial to leather, so for me it would be a no-brainer to come up with anything other than a cat woman.
....Purr-fect!
If a person shows up at your door trick or treating dressed like a fish and wearing Eau De Tuna cologne - guess who?

I think I'll cease with the Halloween costume ideas now! If I'm not in trouble already with Karla, Jules and Monty, I'm sure to anger someone one who takes the suggestions too seriously.

Good luck to any and all who will be dressing up for Halloween. I hope you find a costume befitting you. Don't listen to me, I'm lucky if I can dress myself for work everyday.

For the record, I have my costume already picked out. I'm going to wear nothing but a smile and pair of roller skates. I'm going to be a pull toy!

No.767