Friday, February 29, 2008

Disorder in the Court


The following excerpts are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


(A tip of the hat to my truck-driving benefactor, Earl for these gems.)

No.1275

12 comments:

Skunkfeathers said...

uh yawp...the Three Stooges as judge, prosecutor and defense attorney ;)

NYD said...

I'll come back after I check out some othe recent posts then I'll tell you just how goddamn funny you are!

Jack K. said...

I think I just saw these at StumbleUpon.com.

Funny, regardless where you find them.

snerx.

jules said...

I'm sure I'll be sending you some from the upcoming trial I'll be attending. His lawyer is stupid.

Hale McKay said...

Jules, honey!

It is always a pleasure to hear from you. Thanks for honoring me with a visit.

Hale McKay said...

Skunk,

That would be the law firm of Howard,Howard & Fine - correct? Cointenly!

Hale McKay said...

NYD,

Good to hear from you. How are things in the Land of the Rising Sun? Hmmm, I'll pay you a visit and find out for myself.

What? Me funny?

Hale McKay said...

Jack,

I never seem to remember to check out out "StumbleUpon."

I'm sure this piece, if not already, will be popping up on blogs all over the place soon.

Duke_of_Earle said...

Mike,

Earl deserves more than a tip of the hat! Carol and I laughed HARD at most of these! Great stuff!

John

Serena Joy said...

I am sitting here LMAO. As a lawyer's employee, I can attest that stuff like this really happens. All the time.:D

Hale McKay said...

John,

I'm glad you and Carol enjoyed them.

Hale McKay said...

Serena,

I knew you would enjoy these. You going to copy them to take to work?