Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Rip Van's Wrinkles

(This post was being prepared for publication last night. Around 9:30 I lost my Internet connection, probably because of an ice storm in our area last night.)


Scared Sleeping

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever

come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"


Insomniac's Cure

Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra strong, sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to the boss. "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."

"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday & Tuesday?"


Sleeping Problems

An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"


The Real Thing

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They entered the village to find all the inhabitants asleep. From the still-warm pots the natives must have been sleeping off a large meal.

They walked up to where the sleeping Chief of the tribe slept. They woke him up and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, “You betcha!”

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, “We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi.”

The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, “Did you eat their legs?”

The chief replied, “We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi.”

Another rescuer asked, “Did you eat their arms?”

The Chief replied, “We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi.”

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, “Did you…you know…eat, their…’things’?”

The chief says, “No.”

“No?” asked the rescuer.

“No,” replied the Chief, “THINGS go better with Coke.”

No.1252

3 comments:

Serena Joy said...

Who knew insomnia could be so funny! And that last line just cracked me up.:-)

Blue said...

ROTFL @ things go better with Coke.
Great post.

Hale McKay said...

Serena,

I have to admit that punch line got me too!

Blue,

(See comment to Serena)