Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Auditioning For "America's Stupidest Criminals"

Today I had the necessary pleasure of crossing the threshold of the Registry of Motor Vehicles. It was time to fork over $41 to renew my driver's registration.

Why is it that one of the last places that a stupid person should cast their shadows upon, in fact becomes one of the first they visit? I can only assume that they are mislead by the name of the name of the place, and they go there to register as card-carrying stupid people.

If Forest Gump's mother had worked at a Registry of Motor Vehicles, her advice to her dim-witted son might have been slightly different than that quoted in the movie. It would have probably been: "Life is like a line at the registry, you never know what you're going to get."

While I was waiting for my number to be called, I overheard part of a discussion between a curiously patient registry clerk and an equally impatient man who spoke in broken English.
Woman: "I need to see the bill of sale before I can issue you plates for this vehicle."
-Stupid: "I don't have one."
Woman: "I need proof that you bought this car and how much you paid for it."
-Stupid: "I paid a man cash for the car. You can give me plates, yes?"
Woman: "I can give you plates, no! I need to see a bill of sale and it must be signed by the man who sold you the car!"
-Stupid: "I tell you what, ma'am. You give me plates and I will drive over there and get the bill of sale and bring back to you. Yes?"
Woman: "You're not listening to me, sir. I cannot, I will not issue you plates until I see a bill of sale."
-Stupid: "But the man no give me one. I give him $1200 cash and he hand me keys."
Woman: "What's the man's name? How do I do know you bought the car from him? I need to see proof that he sold you the car!"
-Stupid: "You are not very nice. I am in a hurry. You give me plates now?"
Woman:: "Sir wait right there. I'll call my supervisor to talk to you."
The woman made eye contact with me over the man's shoulder. I was smirking and shook my head for her benefit. The next thing I knew two Registry cops came over and took up positions on either side of the man.
Cop-#1: "Sir, we seem to have a problem. We just checked VIN for the vehicle you are trying to register."
Stupid: "You can tell her give me plates, yes?"
Cop-#2: "It's not going to happen. Not today."
Stupid: "Why not?"
Cop-#2: "That car is a stolen vehicle."
Cop-#1: "How did you get here? The bus? Get a ride?"
Stupid: "No, I drive here in other car."
Cop-#2: "What model is the 'other' car?"
Stupid: "It is red Miata."
Cop #1 headed out the door to the parking lot. It was about the same time that my number was called. I was two windows away from the action. The woman who was going to wait on me was also distracted by the drama unfolding. So there she and I were listening to the spectacle. Cop#1 returned and produced a pair of handcuffs while Cop#2 held the man's arm.
Stupid: "What are you doing? You can not arrest me. I am in hurry."
Cop-#1: "You have got a lot of explaining to do. One, you have trying to register a stolen vehicle. Two, that Miata is a stolen vehicle too. And three, the plates on it - they are a registered to a 2007 Lexus which was reported stolen yesterday!"
As the cops led the man away, the clerk assigned to me said, "That will be $41 please."

A few minutes later as I was trying to pull out of my parking place one of the cops signaled for me wait. At the end of the driveway entrance a flatbed tow truck pulled onto the lot. The truck driver positioned his bed in front of the Miata.

Finally as the tow truck drove off with the man's red Miata secured on its bed, I was able to leave the premises.

I couldn't help but to think how stupid that man had been. I mean, who in their right mind would drive to a Registry of Motor Vehicles in a stolen car bearing the plates of another stolen car in order to try to register still another stolen car?

I can only conjecture that the man was auditioning for a television program, namely "America's Stupidest Criminals."



Skunkfeathers said...

If I apply logical inflection to the conversation you overheard, I will venture to guess that your criminal was an illegal alien, possibly from a terrorist sleeper cell, and voted for Hillary or Obama. And will again, once the ACLU gets him sprung because the Registry violated his right to being in a hurry to steal more cars to support Al Qaida. In fact, Rob Reiner, Moron.org, and Robert Kennedy Jr. are probably setting up a charity dinner for this guy as I type, to help him out...

Fred said...

I hope you got popcorn with that $41...it sounds like it was a good movie.

Liquid said...


Hale McKay said...


Yeah. That Registry woman should be watching her back. He'll probably stalk her looking for revenge.

Hale McKay said...


No popcorn, but I did have a pepperoni and onion slice from "Piggy's Pizza" next door to the registry.

Hale McKay said...


Thanks for the smile of approval.

74WIXYgrad said...

And I know that stupid is as stupid does.

And from the problems I have had at the license bureau here in Ohio trying to legitimately register a vehicle, I can safely say that that was only his first hurdle. Only I didn't leave telling them they weren't nice. I believe the word I used was morons. gotta love the inconveniences caused by homeland security. It's great when it does what it's designed to do.

Good to see that a non law abiding person was caught by protocol.

kenju said...

I am not one bit surprised. I see it happening nearly every day (stupidity, I mean).

Hale McKay said...


Some advocate "giving" illegals their licenses, it's good to see they cannot skirt the registration process.

Hale McKay said...


Stupidity - do you suppose it is communicable? Airborne maybe?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You never know. On some days you might find the Stupidest Clerk waiting on you.

Then again, maybe not.

Hale McKay said...


You're right. Hmmm...Is the customer always right?

Ginger said...

This gave me quite a chuckle. Interesting things like that NEVER happen when I'm at the DMV.

Hale McKay said...


This was unusual. Most visits to the DMV are usually spent in exercises of wall staring.