a POODLE DOODLES Halloween

a POODLE DOODLES Halloween



A Perfect Costume
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days.

So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.

He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.

When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle."

Aarrggh!
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel.

Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Candy Apple!"


Halloweenies
Ladies Pick the Costume That Describes Your Man
(Click each image to embiggen)


(Images Left to right: Cock Out; Hung Like Horse; Snake Charmer; A Prick)

№ 1511

Trick Me - Treat Me

♥ When this witch tricks — it's a treat! ♥

Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat...☺

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose
your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing
a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with
a walker.

1. You ♂ avoid going to ⌂ houses where your ♀ ex-wife lives.


ℑ pulled this from my archives of October 31, 2005. On that Halloween night I was having computer problems. To record those problems for posterity, I wrote up a parody of Bobby "Boris" Picket's The Monster Mash.


The Microsoft Crash
I was working on my blog late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight,
For my monitor on the desk begin to flash
And suddenly my PC began to crash;
....(It did the crash.) It was the Microsoft crash.
....(It did the crash.) It was a grave hard smash.
....(It did the crash.) It shutdown in a flash.
....(It did the crash.) It did the Microsoft crash.

From my blogatory in the castle west
To the plaster rooms where everyone slept,
The gals all came from their humble blanket
To see if I would hit the PC or if I'd spank it.
....(Chorus)....

The techies were having fun,
The system crash had begun;
Outside it was storming,
The servors went down with no warning!

The scene was rocking hearing the friggin sounds
Of all my yelling backed by our barking hounds:
The wall bangers were mad and they said
"Enough with the vocals, get up - go to bed!"
....(chorus)....

Above all my coughin' the PC began to worsen
Seems it was troubled by just one person.
It then opened a window and said to click restart
I stretched and yawned, loosed a belch and a fart.
....(chorus)....

Now everything's cool, Pointmeister's back on line
And my Microsoft Crash is gone till another time.
For you, the sleeping , this blog was meant too
When you get to my blog, tell them Boris sent you.
....(chorus)....

☺ Remember, separate your favorite candy - you wouldn't want to be handing out the good stuff, would you?

Happy Halloween
№ 1510

Inf-Obama-Mercial

Sometime after midnight last night, a visitor tripped the site meter to hit number 200,000! A gracious thanks to everyone who visit here.

....And on Mount Sinus He gave to him two tablets and said, "Take two and call me in the morning."

"That was possibly the biggest waste of television air time since that low-speed car chase of a certain white Bronco!" - the Pointmeister

"It used to be that only rain or some other act of God would delay the World Series, but I guess network execs figured an Obama infomercial was close enough." - John McCain


Depending on what polls you read, Republican candidate John McCain has narrowed the gap between himself and Democrat Barack Obama by 3 to 6 percentage points. It would appear that Obama's ill-advised choice to run a 30 minute, $3-$4 million dollar infomercial on the major networks and several smaller cable networks may have cost him.

It's all a matter of timing. In this case, it was bad timing. Ask those who are struggling to survive in this recessionary economy. Ask those who are facing foreclosures, losing their pension plans, and seeing their futures go down the toilet, what they could do with $3 or $4 million dollars!

After sitting through that rhetoric filled half hour I went outside to put out the trash for tomorrow morning pickup. A nearby neighbor, a 75-year-old widower, was doing the same thing. He called out to me and asked what I thought of Obama's air time.

He didn't really give me the opportunity to answer. "If I'd only had 1% of that money six months ago, I wouldn't have had to sell my house and move in with my son and his wife and their four kids and those two mangy dogs." He was shaking his fist. I said to him that he was lucky to have found a buyer for the house. I guess he didn't see it that way.

He said, "Can anyone answer me this question? Is that man running for office because he wants to the President or because he wants to be the first black President? And don't tell me there is no difference!"

He went in his house mumbling about taking all those damn pills he couldn't afford and that it was too damn cold and he was going to bed. (I'd be remiss not to mention that he is himself, a black man.)

By the way, I understand there were plenty of people in both Philadelphia and the Tampa area who were quite upset that Obama chose to preempt the pregame introductions to the World Series game.

Congratulations to the Philadelphia Phillies, the 2008 World Series Champions.

A tip of the hat to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays for an outstanding "worst-to-first" season.

The following was received in an e-mail from John, a sometime contributor of material I use here from time to time.

To show his impartiality, University of Tennessee student David Kernell, who hacked into Governor Sarah Palin’s private e-mail, did likewise to Senator Obama’s, herewith,


-----Original Message-----
From: Barack Obama [mailto:boarmpits@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, October 21, 2008 3:58 PM
To: bshollywoodhills.com
Subject: RE: Cabinet Maker


Hey Babs,

Thanks for the kind words. The notion that, ‘people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world’, could not be truer, and by the way, one of my favorites, of all your songs.

Appreciate the offer of looking after the girls if Michelle and I decide to have a quiet evening, once I become POTUS.To tell you the truth, I’m going to add a few things to the Vice President’s job description. I think Joe “The Babysitter” would be a great job for my VP. My eldest daughter is about the same age I was, when Joe was first elected to the Senate. You know Joe, he can tell some whoppers, which will be good entertainment for the girls.

Let me think about your request of being Ambassador to the Vatican. Hillary sorta hinted that she might like it, figuring Bill wouldn’t be likely to get into old habits (no pun intended) if he was surrounded by all those religious types, if you know what I mean. I think Jeremiah Wright was also talking about that post but I’ve got to admit, after listening to him for some 20 odd years I still don’t always hear or understand him.

Thanks for the suggestion of Jack Bauer for Secretary of Homeland Security but I think he’s still under contract to shoot more episodes of 24.Don’t forget that’s FOX, I don’t have a lot of time for that network, as you know.

I’ve got some ideas for my cabinet and other positions in my administration which I’d like to share FOR YOUR EYES AND NOSE ONLY:


Attorney General: Judge Mathis or Judge Judy

Secretary of Agriculture: A. Corn

Secretary of Commerce: Tony Rezko

Secretary of Defense: William ‘Refrigerator’ Perry – Da Bears

Secretary of Education: William Ayers

Secretary of Energy: Mayor Daley –he died in 1976 but he’s still on the voter registration

Secretary of Health & Human Services: Smokey Robinson

Secretary of Homeland Security: The New York Times

Secretary of Housing & Urban Development: Tina Fey – just to stir McCain’s ‘plumbing’

Secretary of Interior: Martha Stewart

Secretary of Labor: Fannie May

Secretary of State: Sean Penn – the only one to go mano-a-mano with Hugo Chavez

Secretary of Transportation: Ralph Kramden

Secretary of Treasury: Freddie Mac

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Gov. James E. McGreevey

Chief of Staff: Jay Silverheels – “That right, Kemo Obama”

Environmental Protection Agency: Al Gore – who else could fill that carbon footprint

National Drug Control: Dennis Rodman


Let me know what you think.

Barack

Thanks John. (I still think you should consider doing a blog of your own.)

No.1509

These Won't Make You Mensa Eligible

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana)
paper.

3. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and
down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was
albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother an d sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces
will kill a small sized dog

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's
stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear
pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because
in the time when all original print had to be set in individual
letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the
case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other
at the same time. (Hence,multi-tasking was invented.)

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II
were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never
a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange,
purple, and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to
paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad
and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a
Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being
able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink
in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old Engl ish law,
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than
your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player
for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was
the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece
of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with
apples.

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher..

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most
often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER
THIS.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. 'Boy, I feel a
lot safer now that she' s behind bars.. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant
are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE
woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they
haul her off to jail.'


35. The National Forestry's mascot is named Smokey Bear and NOT Smokey the Bear.

No.1508

It's Looking A Lot Like ...

It has gotten to the point that if we didn't have calendars hanging on our walls or sitting on our desks, we would have no idea if we should be shopping for Halloween candy, picking up a turkey, buying Christmas gifts, or selecting that perfect card for our Valentine sweethearts!

Heaven forbid if we also happen to have friends and loved ones celebrating birthdays and anniversaries during this time of the year.

A Haunted White House

If it isn't bad enough that we are confused about the holidays, now we have to rethink what is and isn't a racial statement.

The "Trick-or-Treating" game has been in play ever since Hillary was swept under the rug after her failed dirt war with Obama. Whether intended or perceived, the Obama camp has decried nearly every word spoken by McCain as racially insensitive.

It seems that the Obama supporters are scared out of their wits by Republican remarks, and they aren't wearing scary costumes.

Elizabeth Edwards of the Democratic Underground website suggested that Sarah Palin's white suit jacket evokes images of the Ku Klux Klan! Said an unnamed Obama-cite, "She might as well wear a white hood and set a cross on fire." A poster to the site referred to her as the Grand Princess of the KKK.

Let me see if I have this right ... If she's wearing white stockings, drinking vanilla milkshakes and is referring to budgetary black holes, these are racially charged incitements? Perhaps she should drink more coffee — without cream — to avoid blinding us with her bright white teeth.

So where does that leave me? For starters, I don't know which holiday to celebrate. Secondly, it is apparent that I can see the difference between black and white. Why can't Obama and his supporters?

Thirdly, which costume should I wear on the 31st?

No.1507

A Stone's Throw

Sunday POODLE DOODLES

Cold Shower

One Giant Step For Dogkind


I liked the following joke I found over at Mushy's, and I liked it enough to "harvest" it for today's post.

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose
given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and
asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked
and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and
said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest

where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until

A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin,

was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he
made love to her all day, made love to her all night,
made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why???

OH, come on...take a guess!!!

Think about it!!!

You're going to love this!!!

Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds

with OneStone!No.1506

Discography

Saturday POODLE DOODLES

What's Up, Dock?

Pier Pressure


My sore throat is better and I pretty much have regained my voice. So far so good for my weekend of convalescence!

I was able to adhere to most of the schedule I'd set forth in yesterday's post.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was all I'd heard it would be. Great movie. It ranks right up there with the first two films in the series.

I really enjoyed The Incredible Hulk. It was much better than Ang Lee's version in which the monster appeared as an obvious computer generated image. The new film used superior graphics and the Hulk character looked real enough. Like the Marvel comic book, this Hulk was angrier and more destructive than the previous incarnation.

10,000 BC was another good movie. I especially liked the Æ sopean touch wherein the hero rescues a vicious saber toothed tiger from drowning, and later in the film the beast returns the favor and saves him.

From the three titles mentioned above, you've probably guessed that I'm into action and special effect laden films, and you'd be correct.

The only deviation from original plans for the day was that I opted for more sleep vs watching the remake of King Kong.

After this post, I'll watch the Ohio St. - Penn St. football game and probably take in some of the World Series. I'm sure it won't be long after that before I fall asleep for the rest of the night.

Good night.

No.1505

At Home - At the Movies

It's going to be a stay-in-the-house-stay-bundled-up-stay-on-the-drugs kind of a weekend for me.

I woke up this past Monday with a slight sore throat. I ignored it, figuring it would pass. During the day and by the time I got home after work, it had not passed. It had worsened.

I toughed it out and went to work Tuesday through this Friday afternoon. What ever it was ailing me, it wasn't going away. On Thursday, I lost my voice for most of the day. Today I went through hot and cold spells. It was beginning to look like I might have a touch of the flu.

I immediately started a scavenger hunt for the medicines I could find in the medicine cabinet and other places around the house. I found some packets of TheraFlu, a bottle of Ny-Quil nightime cough medicine, a bottle of Vicks Formula 44 and all kinds of pills and tablets for colds.

Then I found a couple of nips of Seagram's Crown Royal! What they were doing in the medicine cabinet I don't know, but I'm sure I can put them to good use - for medicinal purpose only, mind you.

Having secured some treatments to supplement the planned rest and sleep, I prepared my Lazy Boy and the end table next to it.

Blanket and pillow - check!
Tissues - check!
Some magazines - check!
Crossword and Sudoku books, one of each - check!
A book to read - check!
Some movies on DVD to watch - check!
Cell phone close at hand - check!

Ah, all set to settle in like a snow bird in its nest! No wait! Something's not right. Something is missing ...

Of Course! The TV remote! How was I expecting to survive without it?
-Check and double check!

-I picked up Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull on Tuesday.

The Tuesday before I bought The Incredible Hulk.

Those two movies should take me up the late morning or early afternoon in time for me scrounge up something to eat since my wife will be out of the house working until 4 pm.

-After lunch, I'll take advantage of the time to watch a movie I never got around to watching.

10,000 BC - What a cute kitty cat!

I'll watch King Kong again. The last time I watched it in interrupted intervals. Even though it's over 3 hours long, I'll watch it straight through. This version of the 1939 classic is the best by far of the King Kong remakes.

If I throw in a nap or two and a post to the Blog, I should still have time to clean up any mess I might make before the missus gets home.

The entertainment schedule for Sunday will begin with some time spent reading my favorite book by my favorite author.

Sunday, of course, means NFL football - three games in the afternoon and one at night.

I imagine my wife will find some reasons for my Sunday schedule to be altered. Alas, it always seems that I never really get to enjoy those times when I am sick! If you can't slack off when you're well, and you can't slack off when you're ill - just when I can I?

No.1504

Corporal Punishment

When I was growing up in the fifties, the subject was not a contentious one. You were the child, they were the adults - and what they said was the law! If you were inclined to break their laws, you were punished.

I don't recall ever hearing the term 'Corporal Punishment' back then; the term is probably a precursor to the sentiments that led to today's notions of "political correctness."

Inasmuch, those of us known as "Baby Boomers" grew up having learned one very important rule and that was to respect one's elders. If we didn't - we got a whoopin'. Depending on your interpretation, doesn't it say in the Bible: Spare the rod and spoil the children?

I can't honestly say that I subscribe to the form of punishment my parents exacted upon my gluteus maximus for my transgressions, but by golly I was well educated in the differences between right and wrong!

My friends and I knew that there were only two ways to avoid punishment:

1) Stay out of trouble
2) Don't get caught

Inevitably there would be times that those two rules were ignored. We might not have seen the analogy at the time, but at an early age we were experiencing the elementary workings of our Judicial System.

(a) The crime: broken window, property posted 'No Trespassing'
(b) The charges: The owner calls your home.
(c) Indictment: "You're in trouble now."
(d) Adjudication: "Wait till your father gets home!"
(e) Sentence: Grounded until executioner arrives.
(f) Execution: To be determined (see (d) and (e) )

Nothing filled me with dread and fear more than that long wait until my father would arrive home from work. My father may not have been wearing a black hood like the stereotypical executioners in the movies, but his punishments were doled out swiftly and painfully.

There were no racks, broad axes or guillotines in his arsenal of penal devices, but those he used were effective nonetheless. Looking back, I realize that his choices of instruments were not randomly determined but were brought into play based upon his perceptions of the severity of the crimes.

The wooden paddle was brought to bear for the minor infractions.

When he removed his belt my misdeed was deemed a felony.

For capital transgressions, he would hand me his pocket knife. I knew that meant I was to go outside to cut off a switch from the saplings growing around the base of a large hickory tree next to our house.

Fast forwarding the clocks ahead to the present, those forms of Corporal Punishment would land a parent in jail charged with child abuse. The children living under the same roof of a parent who uses physical punishment would invariably be removed from the home.

No, I never subscribed to that form of punishment, especially for my own daughter. We instilled in her the knowledge of what is right and what is wrong. We taught her to respect her elders, inside and outside of our home. You know, she turned out all right.

I found the image above on the net and it "hauntingly" reminded me of an incident I observed in a supermarket a couple of summers ago. A woman dressed very much like the one in the picture was shopping with her daughter who was probably about six or seven years old.

Her appearance was that of a "trailer park queen" wearing a sun dress with a generous amount of cleavage visible, layers of makeup befitting Tammy Faye Baker, fishnet stockings and spiked heels. A trail of cheap perfume wafted behind her as she made her way through the store.

They stopped to look at a display of patriotic items on sale for the up-coming 4th of July holiday weekend. The woman picked up a couple of items, turned them over to check the price tag and then placed them back on the shelf. (I assumed that maybe the items were pricey enough that the expenditure might cut into her fashion budget.)

The little girl picked a small teddy bear clad in a red, white and blue shirt. She held it up for her mother to see, maybe to implore if she would buy it for her. Without warning the mother snatched it from her hand and began to go off into a verbal tirade.

Then, apparently oblivious to the fact that she was in public place in full view of several witnesses, she slapped the girl across her face. Not satisfied that her daughter had gotten the message, she produced a large hair brush from an over-sized bag hanging from her shoulder. There was a chorus of gasps from those observing the scene as she literally yanked the poor girl's underpants down to her knees. Six times she struck the screaming child's bare bottom with the brush.

Moments later she was again pushing a shopping cart, the girl sobbing in tow, and she continued her shopping chore as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. One of the witnesses had only moments before notified a policeman who was on duty in the store.

When I left the store with my purchases, I noticed the officer was talking to her near the other entrance to the store. She was animated, obviously agitated, and the little girl was standing close to her with an arm wrapped around her mother's legs.

I don't know what happened after that; whether she was cited or let go with a warning. I do remember at the time fearing for that little girl's well being. Stumbling across the image, I had to wonder how he is today.

Could it be that finding that picture, was a sign for me to author this post today to atone for not writing about it two summers ago? Perhaps, it gives me another opportunity to bring to light that there is punishment and there is abuse. There is no fine line separating the two.

I cannot condone the actions of parents who practice the same form of Corporal Punishment my father employed on my siblings and me, but on the same token I would never try to tell them how to keep their children in line. I would not admonish someone punishing their child in a public place. There are more than enough people out there who would report a parent for simply smacking the hand of their kid for touching items on a shelf.

Yes, many of us Baby Boomers had to endure physical punishment, not only at home, but at school as well. The Board of Education had a double meaning back then. Guess what. By and large most of us turned out to be fine upstanding folks. We learned it the old fashioned way - we earned it!

You might say we were also the Timex Generation. We took a lickin' and kept on tickin'.

No.1503

Oh, Deer Me!

How would you like to wake up and see these guys in your front yard!!








This is what happens when YOU

move into THEIR YARD!!!

The location and addresses of this neighborhood have been withheld in order to prevent the current Vice President, Dick Cheney, and the Republican Vice Presidential hopeful, Sarah Palin from organizing a hunting expedition.

We wouldn't want Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen to miss their December 24 appointment at the North Pole, would we?

No.1502

Dumb Questions For Dubya

The following "dumb" questions have been kicked around all over the blogosphere in one form or another. I was thinking they would serve as as a good set question to be asked of our Commander-In-Chief. (Also, I couldn't come up with anything fresh for this post.)

Do fish think they're wet and we're dry, or do they think that we're wet and they're dry?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the frying pan?

If superman is so clever, why does he wear his underwear on the outside?

Why are there floatation devices under plane seats, instead of parachutes?

Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called a cargo?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume of the radio? Is it gonna make you see better?

When a crash-test-dummy hits his head, and no engineers record the results, does he make a sound?

Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?

If a fire fighter fights fire, and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of it's nose?

If 7-11 is open 24 hrs. a day, 7 days a week, and open on holidays, why do they have locks on the doors?

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

If an unstoppable force meets up with an immovable force, what happens?

Why do they sell cigarettes at gas stations when you cant smoke there?

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

If a piece of toast always falls butter side down and a cat always lands on its feet then what would happen if you dropped a cat with a piece of buttered toast strapped on its back?

If you are driving the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?

Why does a record player play at the same speed when the revolutions get faster when the needle goes further to the inside of the record?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If there is no God, who pops the next Kleenex out of the box?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns 'cause they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf what color does it turn?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Why do doctors call what they do practice?

No.1501

14 Schlepping Days

This is the 1500th post here at It Occurred To Me, since it opened on Jan. 20, 2005. In about ten days, The 200,000th hit will be registered.

Those posts and hits do not reflect the 203 entries at Verbicidal Tendencies, the 47 entries at Suppository For the Soul* and the 70 at Footloose and Fantasy Free**.

*Suppository For the Soul - contains material of a strong adult nature that I wouldn't put on this site, and as such has been flagged accordingly.

**Footloose and Fantasy Free - is a 360 Yahoo blog which contains mostly some jokes that are duplicates found on the other sites.

To all who come hear, those who comment and those who don't, thank you for your patronage. I hope to make the next 1500 posts even more enjoyable with more original short stories and original cartoons, as well as the usual smattering of jokes, satire and parodies.

To quote the Bartles & James spokesmen, "Thank you for your support."

14 Schlepping Days
There are only 14 schlepping days left before the election.

A record number of the deceased have registered to vote thanks to the diligence of ACORN. Tourist mecca Disneyland was well represented at one registration office.

It's true, the nut doesn't fall far from the tree.


Rocket J. Squirrel flew on over to the Obummer camp. He was joined by his friend, Bullwinkle a long-time Republican.

Said the moose, "I switched parties because I was afraid that Palin woman would shoot me."

The number of young voters being registered has also increased. When one young new voter was asked for whom he would his cast his vote, his answer was unintelligible because he didn't bother to remove his pacifier from his mouth.

With his "15 minutes of fame" slipping away, Joe the Plumber is considering throwing his hat in the ring as a late third-party candidate for the Presidency. He would be running on a "Butt Cracks Are Beautiful" platform. He said he was tired of seeing John McCain adopting his persona.

Scary Halloween Costumes, 2008
Mario and Man In Black, J

Storm Troopers
...And the Scariest of All:

No.1500

Dogs, Life and Nuts

Sunday POODLE DOODLES

Wet Dog


Lunch Brakes


If Life Were Like a Computer:


You could add/remove someone in your life, using the control panel.

You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it.

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on 'Find' to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

To get your daily exercise, just click on 'run'.

If you mess up your life, you could always press 'Ctrl, Alt, Delete' and start all over.

(I seem to remember that software used to be silk pajamas.)


Obama's Nuts

No.1499