Monday, November 17, 2008

Pilgrim Phil and the Sauna

(PSST!) Over Here!

Say, aren't you Tom Turkey?

(Shhh!) Not so loud.

Say, aren't you Tom Turkey?

I changed my name. I'm Pilgrim Phil.

You look like a turkey!

Of course I do. I am a turkey.

I meant, you look like a turkey in that outfit... Uh, no offense intended.

None taken. I'm incognito.

How come? You didn't fool me.

Of course not. You're writing this Blog, numb nuts. Uh, no offense intended.

Yeah, sure. But why as a pilgrim?

When in Plymouth you don't drive a Ford.

(???) O-o-okay! Let me see if I got this straight. If you dress like a pilgrim you'll blend in with everyone and no one will recognize that you're a turkey.

I am blinded by the brilliance before me.

(Ahem!) So what's the point? Are you ashamed to be a turkey?

Aren't you ashamed to be a blogger? Don't you have a life?

Hey! I'm the interviewer here. You're the interviewee.

Look, it's like this ... Next week is Thanksgiving! If you'd spend less time on your computer and more time in the real world, you'd have known that.

But I do know Thanksgiving is coming up. So?

I'll tell you. Read my lips ...

Turkeys don't have lips!

(Groan!) No, but I do have a big pecker. Can you say the same?

Yeah, but at least I don't go sticking it where it doesn't belong.


I don't think I'd be talking about anatomy if I were you.

What's anatomy?

You know ... legs, wings, breast ... dark meat and white meat. Yum yum!

(Gasp!) You cannibalistic barbarian! That's what I'm talking about!

Just look at those gorgeous drumsticks ... er legs and that full breast ... That tight outfit makes you look ... fat ...fatter!

(Gulp!) You are a nasty axe murderer.

Relax, Tom. You're too uptight. You know what's good for that? A nice hot soothing sauna!

(Whew!) You had me worried there for a moment. I take back everything I said about bloggers. A hot sauna, eh? You'd do that for me?

*(With apologies to The Kingston Trio)

Spoken Intro:
Throughout history there have been many songs about the Human Appetite. This next one tells the story of a husband, a beautiful wife, and a condemned bird named Tom Turkey. When the sun rises tomorrow, Tom Turkey must cook.

Hang down your head, Tom Turkey
Hang down your head and cry.
Hang down your head, Tom Turkey
Poor bird, you're going to die.

I met them at the farm stand, there they fed me bread.
Met them at the farm stand, looks like I'll lose my head.


This time tomorrow, reckon where I'll be;
Hadn't been for Thanksgiving, I'd a been still free.


Chorus Repeat - (Everybody sing along!)

This time tomorrow, reckon where I'll be led,
Down in some broilin' oven, stuffed with bread.


Chorus finale
Hang down your head (your head!), Tom Turkey
Hang down your head and cry.
Hang down your head (your head!), Tom Turkey
Poor bird you're going to ... die.
The previous parody of "Tom Dooley" is from my Nov.'06 archives.

The image above of "Pilgrim Phil" was scanned from a wood cutout I made several years ago. It was hand drawn and hand painted onto a 10"x7" piece of 3/4 pine which I cut on a scroll saw to its shape.
Anyone interested in slightly used Pilgrim suit?

№ 1528


Phils Phun said...

G'day Mate
Very funny
We don't celebrate Thanksgiving down under, but we know all about it.
Don't eat too much of Tom

Skunkfeathers said...

A Tommy Smothers (like) variation:

Hang down your head Tom Turkey,
Hang down your head and fly..ha-ha-ha (you can't)
Hung down your hang Tom Turkey,
poor're hung

Oh, there on the mountain...
there I took her...several times..hahaha
(I always waited for Dickie to hit him with the cello, but I digress)

Hale McKay said...


You don't really need a holiday to have a feast and few Fosters, do you?

Hale McKay said...


The Smothers Brothers were a great act.

Phils Phun said...

G'day Hale
Will have to educate you
Hardly anyone down under drinks Fosters.
Except perhaps a few of those up themselves Victorians.
There is a huge range of beers available here, lots of micro breweries and many imported beers.My drink of the month is Crown lager [Crownies]
Come on down and we'll slap a few steaks on the Barbie and drink ourselves under the table
Are you up to it??

Hale McKay said...


Oh yeah, I'm up to it.

Watching commercials on our TV, we are given the impression that Fosters is the beer of choice in Oz.